Loss an Death are facts of life. Being protected or sheltered from these experiences is not necessarily a good thing, as disappointments, hurt and emotional pain are all part of the necessary emotional range in human life.

Children can experience hurt and loss early in life, from a significant broken toy, to the loss of a family pet. The death of elderly grandparents can seem a little abstract to young children, but children are resilient and can learn to cope, depending on their spiritual beliefs, family closeness and how parents and close adults handle the situation and communicate with them. Showing respect to the deceased, telling affectionate, positive stories, looking at photographs together can all help with the child’s understanding and adjustment. Some children can feel uneasy or confused if they are excluded from being told what has happened. They can end up wondering what is going on feel unsettled or insecure. It is important to be firm, reassuring and supportive and tell them as much as they can understand.

Similarly, divorce and the breakdown of the family home can affect children in different ways. They will frequently take their lead from the important adult figures in their lives. Having someone they trust to talk through concerns and fears with can help enormously in coping and healing the sense of loss and trauma, especially if a home or school move has also been necessary. Being respectful of the absent partner and remembering that there are two parents who loved each other once and who are not wanting to split up from the children are key elements in trying to keep a balance where the children are concerned.

People can also grieve for the loss of a lifestyle, especially if there does not appear to be a ready alternative available. The loss of a career, job, business is especially difficult in later life as it can signify the end of a viable, dynamic phase and the movement into a retired or lesser stage of usefulness. Finding other outlets, in hobbies, charity work, retraining can be important in recovering self esteem and stimulus.

Some people may grieve for their lost health and lifestyle, after a sudden unexpected illness or after an attack or a crime has been committed against them. Readjustment after this type of experience can bring its own frustrations as it can be hard to come to terms with why it has happened.

The death of a significant other is something that features more and more in our thoughts as we get older. However friends, colleagues and, sometimes, young people die. Having to cope with these situations is a very difficult lesson, and sometimes people never recover from it fully.

Several stages have been identified in the grief and loss transition process. These stages can be gone through in any order, last as long as they need to and may well be repeated, until the person is feeling better again. How long this process takes can be dependant on how sudden the death or change was. Having some warning or notice can give a person time to prepare themselves for what is to come. This cycle can be applied to other areas of loss, like a relationship split or other key breakup.

- Shock is the initial reaction, comprising of pain, disbelief and even numbness or no feeling at all.
- Denial is where there is a refusal to accept the loss. ‘It’s not true, I don’t believe it’ are typical reactions here.
- Bargaining can include negotiation. ‘If I promise this, will you do that’ , eg I’ll be good if you make it right. This may be said to God/ a Higher Power or whoever is felt to be responsible.
- Anger is the stage of frustration, fury – ‘how could this happen’,’ after all I’ve done’,’ why has this happened to me’,’ I don’t deserve it’,’ it’s not fair’, and so on. This is the stage where some sense is trying to be made of it all, but where there no ready answers.
- Depression or Grieving is where the terrible sense of loss is pervasive. Not wanting to carry on, everything feeling pointless, is typical of this stage. Understanding that this is a key part of the recovery process can be difficult to come to terms with. Being gentle with oneself at this stage is important.
- Acceptance is when one is coming through the process. Appreciating the value that the person or relationship brought into our life, the shared experiences, new opportunities, and how that person lives on through us, and maybe our children, even if that person or relationship is no longer around.

Understanding and working through all these stages can help in recovering and coming to a better quality of life. We may never know the answer to the ‘why me ?’ question, but we can move on and recover a new, hopefully calmer quality of life .

Susan Leigh is a long established Counselor and Hypnotherapist who helps clients to cope and recover from the trauma and readjustment of loss and death. Lifestyle changes from the death of a partner or close relative, to sudden career changes or health issues can all require sensitive treatment. Ways of moving on and accommodating these changes can be treated, using a combination of counselling and hypnotherapy, tailored to each clients’ individual needs. For more information, visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

Article Source:  Understanding the Various Stages of Healing After a Loss

Scott,
I also lost my twenty-six year old son, Nickolas, after a fiftteen month battle with leukemia. I too watched my son try to heal and suffer through many complications and hospitalizations. Unfortunately, Nick was in the hospital for the last two months of his life and our family had to make a decision to take him off life support as well. My grief overwhelms me every day. I still cry every day. Your son sounds like a wonderful young man and I wish I could follow his advice! My son would want me to do the same, but, it is so hard. That anchor gets very heavy and no one sees that anchor which makes it even harder to find people who understand the how much this loss hurts. I have so been trying to find people who have had similar experiences. We have in common the fight against cancer and all that comes along with that long and difficult journey. To have it end this way…well, it is just unbearable. I kept a blog to update people on my son’s condition and how things were going, now it is a grief blog. I agree with your advice. It is good to feel whatever you are feeling. I have found much solace in reading, music, sites like the Open To Hope Foundation, and The Compassionate Friends. I feel that there is a hole in my heart that will never be fully healed. Thank you Scott for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I wish there was a way we could all get together and share our stories.

oh,dear “not the same person i was”, i feel your pain, and when i say that i mean it ….i lost my 23 year old son, my firstborn, on Jan 17th 2010. It was the worst day of my life. Josh was healthy, viital, and strong-willed and the absolute love of my life. In Oct 2009, he was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma, a very aggressive cancer of the stomach, usually diagnosed in people average age of 70 yrs, i still cant believe im writing this and i am shaking as im typing, and the tears don’t stop. I only got 3 months!!! I still dont know what happened, he was preparing for another intense round of chemo, our only option hopefully to proceed with surgery, he had seizures, ended up on life-support and cardiac arrest literally overnight. I left hospital Thurs night and by fri early morning everything had turned upside down. My mind is still spinning. I knew he was so strong, he would beat it. the doctor’s were even optomistic, what the heck hapened? i am barely breathing, heart barely beating, i feel like a shell i feel the loss so deeply that i don’t see the future without him in my world, i try to have faith and get through each day, i hav e other children. My view of this world has changed, i will never be the same the world will never be the same. It should have been me! its not supposed to happen this way, it’s impossible to understand. I am a nurse and thanked god every day for my healthy children and i feel so “cheated” . I can’t see through the tears anymore. I had to wittness my beautiful baby boy suffer and slip away from me. I, too have rambled, but just to let you all know, you are not alone.

I’m only a few steps behind you on this horrible journey, my son, also 23 passed away jan. 17th of adenocarcinoma. I only got 3 months!!! i was so full of hope and prayers, went unanswered. what good would ever come out of this? what is left to hope for? I had to watch my beautiful baby boy suffer and slip away! Did he hear me tell him how much i love him and how much he meant to me ? could he hear me through the morphine and chemo? does he know how proud he made me eeven when he drove me crazy? i dont know how to live in this world without him. i cnat breathe, i forgotten, he was my rock.

Hello Beth,
My daughter is also 23. She is terminal with osteosarcoma on her sacrum and lower vertebrae.
We do not know how long she has as it is slow-moving in her case, a small mercy.
I am glad your faith is sustaining you. There are a number of books out there about near death experiences which i have found helpful but of course I haven’t faced the trial you are going through yet.
Remember all the good times you had on Feb 8th over the past twenty-three years and remember too that he is missing you today also.
Sorry I can’t sort this for you.
John

My son died January 18, 2010 fo a heart attack. He had his first heart attack at age 29, 14 years ago. This was his 4th attack. We all knew he probably wouldn’t live to old age but he had been healthy for the past 3 years and I guess we were all lulled into complacency. He had outlived all the docs estimates. He was a great athlete, living every moment as i it were his last.

I will attend my first grief counseling group the end of the month sponsored by the hospice at the hospital where Jordan died. I have lost 2 husbands, my dad, several friends but nothing has been as horrible as this. The first day I was very suicidal. The pain was so intense that I just couldn’t bear it. If it wasn’t for my daughter and not wanting to add to her pain I would have taken myself out. The pain was that bad.

If anyone out there in Blog Land has any tips or guidelines for this journey I would really appreciate it.

I lost my 23 year old son Matthew on June 12, 2009 due to cancer. It was Osteosarcoma, a very aggressive bone tumor that had spread into his lungs and other part of his body. He only lasted 10 months. His birthday is coming up this Monday, February 8, 2010 and I have no idea how I am going to get through this day. This is the most devastating thing a person can go through; losing a child. I miss my son and I think of him constantly. He suffered so much with this horrible disease and I feel so guilty that he was taken and not me. I understand what you are saying–that your life changes forever. I am not the same person I was prior to his disease and death. My faith is sustaining me, but it is extremely difficult. Matthew was the light of our lives, and he is deeply loved and missed everyday by all who knew him.

I happened upon this website by accident. My husband died 4 years ago. Crazy, but today has been a day where I have really missed him. I have cried like he died last week! It has been good to read everyone’s comments and I do want you to know that you will have good days ahead. Of course, you will have some bad days too as this is a sad day for me. I still do not date and still do not have the desire to meet someone new. I am busy raising our 3 children. Having the kids is good. THey keep me so busy, and sometimes I think that is why it has taken me so long to grieve. I, too, do not know what I would have done without my parents. God gave me the right set of parents. I do get a smile watching the kids and seeing some of my husband’s attributes in each of their lives. I have rambled, but it feels good to get my feelings out.

Carolyn:

I understand what you are going through. I lost my 23 year old son James on July 31st, 2009 after a 26 month battle against leukemia. He was doing so well, when he came down with pneumonia and some other lung issues during the last two weeks of his life.

I watched him suffer for 26 months and had to be the one to make the decision to remove him from life support.

It’s been six months now and not a day goes by that I don’t feel like I’m pulling a huge anchor behind me. The anchor is a bit lighter now than when he first passed, but an anchor none the less. I’m currently sitting on the shore of the Atlantic, where I released James’ ashes back in August. I’m longing and waiting for some kind of sign that he is ok and happy wherever he is. But the ocean just mocks me, splashing across the rocks and taunting me with it’s whispers.

I think the most important advice I would have for someone like you, is to give yourself permission to grieve. Allow the steps to happen, guilt, fear, denial, anger….whatever feelings come forward, allow them. Don’t try to push them away or stifle them, it only makes you feel worse.

I used to cry several times a day. I’m getting better now, just a few times a week.

At first, I was so busy, making arrangements, dealing with legal issues, keeping up with family and friends calling with condolences, etc. As time went on, family and friends seemed to wane away. I found myself feeling very alone and became very reclusive.

After happening upon this site and learning how to allow my feelings to flow and listening to the stories of so very many heart-broken parents, I started to feel less alone and in the company of those who could only know what I was feeling.

There will never, ever be any pain in my life so excrutiating. There will also never, ever be the opportunity to look back and understand what I have learned from my son’s suffering. A few weeks before he passed he (almost knowing his end was near) sat me down to tell me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. He needed to make sure I was going to be ok, that I would continue living on. I told him, “James, I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.” He said, “Dad, LIVE!”

And so every day, I wake up, go to his picture, give him a kiss and tell him how much I love him and what I am going to do today, to LIVE.

My heart and soul grieve for and with you.

All of my best,

Scott

I’m so sorry Marienne. It is good that you can leave your true thoughts here. It is strange to go day after day being silent about the pain. I am sure that it has been said to you before but I will write to help you remember. You need to live as Spencer would want you to. He would not want his mom to live in pain for the rest of her life, just as if it were the other way around, you would not have wanted him to live in pain his whole life. It is not your duty as a mother to live in terrible terrible grief for always
.
Your daughter needs you more than ever now. Remember that you are changed forever because of the life you shared with your son. We are who we are because of who we love. This never goes away. He is in every inch of your soul and mind and just as he was born to you, well, he affected you just as much as you nurtured him. This love we get from our children, this never goes away. You can live with the joy of him in your heart. I know it doesn’t work like that on a daily basis. I know that the pain of losing someone is beyond what we know what to do with. How I deal with my loss is to try and be a person that she would be proud of. I try and live in a way that she would say, your doing well, I’m proud of you, this is how I want things to be for you.
Nothing will take away your pain. But it is possible to let some joy in, especially because you have him in your heart. Our children make our hearts bigger.
There is nothing like the loss of a child. No one will be able to truly help you. Only your duty to Spencer to not let yourself crumble away, can help you.
Good luck Marienne. I cried through your post and all through my reply. I hope that maybe it helped a tiny little bit.
Shena