Grief | Grieving | Death of a Child

my 21 year old son, my only child, my buddy, died last friday night in a car accident. i dont know what to do i want to scream tear my teeth out my heart is breaking. he was such a good kid. everyone liked him. always helping friends. kind, funny. the pain is so intense overwhelming black empty. this wasnt supposed to happen.
Mike

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Mike,

 We are so very sorry for your loss of your son and truly understand how you feel. The hardest thing a parent can ever experience is the loss of a child and when it is your only child it is even more devastating. Your wounds are extremely fresh and very raw and it is a time to let your emotions out, talk about it, rage if you need to, and at the same time be gentle with yourself. Grieving is a hard path and no one grieves in the same way or in the same time frame. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Fellow Travelers,

Thought you might like a “sneak preview” of “Space Between Breaths.”  It is truly a documentary of hope after great losses.  Luther and Rosemary Smith have produced a documentary that explains grief from all aspects and then shows us how, like the phoenix, have come out of the ashes of loss to a place called “hope.”   That space between breaths is where we all are now.  Where do we go from here?  The documentary will show where other parents have been and are “going.”

There are still tickets available for the premiere.  You may order tickets for the premiere of the documentary “Space Between Breaths” which will be held on May 31, 2007 at the Kentucky Theatre in Lexington , KY. , by emailing Childrenofdome@cs.com or calling (606) 464-3901 for reservations.

You can download the trailer for the documentary “Space Between Breaths” here.

Don’t forget that J.I.M.’s conference will be June 1st.

 Love from a fellow traveler,

Dinah

http://www.ucumberlands.edu/lamentations/
 

On September 14, 2005 Nick Wilson died in a fire at his mother’s home. While his mother escaped unharmed, this child’s life ended prematurely. His mother never attempted to wake her son, or thought of staying with her child. Her selfish act saved her own life, but cost Nick his. Only days before Nick’s death his father desperately tried to get local law enforcement to check on Nick because of his mother’s abusive nature towards him. Instead he was verbally harassed and threatened by an off duty officer and Nick was never checked on. Nick’s mother has a documented record of child abuse and should not have been allowed to keep Nick away from his father on HIS weekend for visitation. Instead Nick’s dad was turned away and told to leave and no one even attempted to check on the welfare of this child. In result, Nick was killed in a fire that consumed the home where he was sleeping. How does a parent leave a house and go to safety and not worry about the life of her child? Please take the time to sign this petition DEMANDING answers and the truth of WHY everyone except Nick’s father stood by and let this innocent and young life but put out like the fire that claimed him.

To sign the petition go to:

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/564945874?ltl=1173203650

To learn more about Nick, please visit.
http://nickwilson2005.org
and
http://nick-wilson.memory-of.com/About.aspx

Dear Dr. Prigerson,

I just wanted to share with you the response to Ronald Kotulak’s article that we will be putting on our blog.  We have been receiving angry e-mails regarding his generalizing your study to bereaved parents.  If you or the other authors have any comments please send them off to us and we will add them to the blog.  We will also be talking about the article on our internet radio show next Thursday.  Thanks, Gloria Horsley
 
This is a response to the article From the Chicago Tribune Scientists measure 5 stages of Grief by Ronald Kotulak, February 20, 2007
 
As a bereaved parent, psychotherapist and Clinical Nurse Specialist, I am distressed with Mr. Kotulak’s article taken from, “An Empirical Examination of the Stage Theory of Grief”, Jama, Vol. 297, February 21, 2007.  This was an important study done by Maciejewski, Zhang, Block, and Prigerson on the Stage Theory of Grief.  It is unfortunate that Mr. Kotulak has led the reader to believe that this study could be generalized to bereaved parents.  While there has been a great deal of research regarding widow’s responses to death there has been little regarding bereaved parents.  Since the majority of the sample (83%) of 233 bereaved individuals with a mean age of (62) were spouses of the deceased and the other (16%) who were called “remaining participants” and said to be adult children, parents, or siblings of the deceased.  We have a missing piece of information here.  Just exactly how many parents were there in the study, couldn’t have been many? 
 
Nothing in the JAMA article is given on the, “remaining participants”. Yet, Mr. Kotulak uses as his prime example Christine Reilly, 39, of Whitman, Mass whose son Michael died in 1999.  As a bereaved parent I would like to say that by generalizing this study to bereaved parents Mr.  Kotulak has done huge disservice to all those who have lost children.  As a clinician it concerns me that Mr.  Kotulak would use a bereaved mother as his example and then quote Paul Maciejewski, as saying, “Acceptance is the norm in the case of natural deaths, even soon after the loss”, and then Ms Prigerson as saying “This would suggest that people who have extreme levels of depression, anger or yearning beyond six months would be those who might benefit from a better mental health evaluation and possible referral for treatment”.  Would anyone in their right mind really say these things to a bereaved parent?
 
 
Gloria C. Horsley Ph.D
National Board Member of The Compassionate Friends
www.thegriefblog.com
Host of Healing The Grieving Heart
188 Minna Street, 38D
San Francisco, Ca 94105
415-994-8263

Chances are that you grew up in a two-parent family, a mom and a dad. Went to a local school, away to college, married, had children of your own. And then, tragedy struck and your mother passed away, leaving your father a widower. He has mourned his loss and, in time, while still embracing the memories of your mother, met someone new and fallen in love, ready once again to enjoy a full life, perhaps to even re-marry, and you find yourself exchanging parenting roles as you concerns are not unlike that of your parents when you dated, fell in love and Read the rest of this entry »

My project putting up a new twin website www.twinlesstwins.org feels like it finally has some completion. It was a year long project for me and I am finally getting back into the groove of my regular work schedule. We are seeing results and new twins in need of support are contacting our organization. I met many wonderful people while doing research to obtain articles on giref, sibling and twin loss.
 
Please visit: http://twinlesstwins.org
 
There are additional resource articles which are not visible without a membership to TTSGI, along with other pages for members only. The web store is now open, and I have put a few affiliate stores. We sell twin t-shirts, jewelry, scrapbooks, books, pins and conference speaker cds. Chat groups on a variety of topics are forming.

As always- if you know a twin who has lost their twin- pass this info on: We just purchased the twinlesstwins.com name also.
 
Thanks for taking a moment to look at the site - it means a lot to me…a labor of love for sure.
 
Linda

Dealing with Professionals: Death of a Troubled Child - French Smith
November 25th, 2006 . by The Grief Blog
HEALING THE GRIEVING HEART
Dealing with Professionals: Death of a Troubled Child
Host: Dr. Gloria Horsley
With guest: French Smith
January 26, 2006

G: Hello. I?m Dr. Gloria Horsley. Welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart. Before we start our show today, I?d like to deal with several emails that I?ve received. One of them is from a chapter leader in Houston, Texas, and he has bought my ten CDs of my first ten shows and he says that they?re excellent but one of the issues is that they?re long so he has trouble playing them in a chapter meeting. I just wanted to mention that if you do buy the CDs through The Compassionate Friends or looking at my website, www.healingthegrievingheart.org, that there are three stops in them so you can go into the CD in three different spots so you might consider that. He also wanted to know what?s the simplest way to have people download the program on suicide or teens. The best thing you can do right now is probably go to my website, www.healingthegrievingheart.org. I have the shows on the front of the first page and you can click on archives and then you?ll have to scan through the names of all the shows and I?ve tried to say what the show is about in the name of the show.
The next email we?ve received is from Sherry and she says her 20-year-old son died five months ago and she?s been trying to declutter her life and reading books on meditation and she would like to have a dream about him and I believe she went to a psychic and the psychic told her that he?s trying to get in touch with her son and what I basically say to you, Sherry, is five months is not a long time and I would challenge any of us to declutter our mind or to be able to meditate in that time because it?s been my experience and others that I?ve worked with that we?ve got a really racing mind going on so give yourself a break and give yourself time. I always say to everyone that you do hold that child in your heart. They?re really with you all the time. On January 5, I did the show with Carla Blowey and we talked about dreams and I would suggest that, Sherry, you might want to go to the website, click under the archives, go to the January 5 show and listen to the show where we talk about dreams. Thanks so much for your email, Sherry, and good luck to you. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Friend of GriefWorks,

As the New Year gets underway, I want to remind you that GriefWorks is offering a six-week “Family Night Series” from 6:15-8:15 p.m., beginning January 18. Families will begin the evening together with a light dinner (which is provided) and a brief introduction. Then we will divide into groups for parents, teens, and children. In a supportive environment and using age-appropriate activities, family members will have the opportunity to share and work through their grief. Then we will conclude the evening by bringing all the family members back together for a brief summary of the evening. (link to Winter Schedule)

The cost for the entire six-week series is $90 per family, which helps cover a portion of our expenses. (Reduced fees and time payments are available if needed.)

Also, on January 23, we will start a six-week daytime “Grief Talk” support group for adults. This group will meet at the GriefWorks office from 10-11:30 a.m. The cost is $20 per session (some financial assistance is available if needed).

If you or someone you know could benefit from either of the “Family Night Series” or the “Grief Talk” adult support group, please call our office (253) 334-9420 or (800) 850-9420. For more information, see the attached list of Programs and Services for Winter/Spring 2007. Thank you!

Sincerely,
Gwen Waller
Bereavement Facilitator
Phone: 253-333-9420
E-mail: gwen@griefworks.org

www.griefworks.org

The mission of GriefWorks is to serve as a bereavement resource providing education and support for people grieving a death or seeking to understand the grief process.

We cannot expect others to understand how we feel after the death of a child, especially if they have never gone through it. Sometimes we get angry at how friends or relatives react and respond to us. They don�t know what to say or how to say it and often they say it wrong, not meaning to be cruel, but not knowing any better.

We have a choice. We can be bitter and resentful to others or we can help them understand and be part of our grief journey. What follows are what I call �10 Grief Lessons for Others.� By sharing these lessons with those close to you, a new level of understanding between you and others can help you down that long difficult road to recovery.

1. BE THERE FOR ME. If you are my friend, reach out, talk to me, hold my hand, hug me. Know that even though we may say we are all right, we will never be all right again.

2. WE ARE DIFFERENT. Understand that what has happened will change us forever and if you are my friend, you will accept me for what I have become, for who I am now, a person with different goals and different priorities. What was once important to me may no longer have any meaning.

3. BE A GOOD LISTENER. We want above all else to talk about our children. To us, they will always be alive in our hearts, and we don�t want others to forget them either. Don�t be afraid to mention their names in our conversations. They were real people at one time, even though they are no longer with us. They had hopes and dreams we�d still like to share with others. Please don�t pretend they never existed.

4. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. We all grieve differently, even husbands and wives. Please don�t tell me you know how I feel. You don�t. Rather than asking me, �How are you feeling?� ask me �What are you feeling?� I can probably give you a more honest answer.

5. I MAY GRIEVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. There is no set time limit to my grief. It may take me two years; it may take me five years. I have to do what is comfortable for me. Be patient. I will do the best I can in whatever amount of time it takes.

6. KEEP IN TOUCH. Call me once in a while. I promise to do the same. Invite me to lunch or to a movie. I will eventually go, because I will eventually feel better. Don�t give up on me and don�t forget me. I am trying to do the best I can right now.

7. I MAY CRY AT TIMES IN FRONT OF YOU. Please don�t be embarrassed, and I won�t be either. Besides being a natural emotion, crying is also a cleansing emotion. By crying I can relieve a lot of anger, frustration, guilt and stress. And best of all, I feel much better after a good cry.

8. I PUT A MASK ON FOR THE PUBLIC. Don�t assume just because I am functioning during the day that I am �over it.� I will never get �over it.� I try to function normally because I have no other choice. You should see me when the day is over, and I am in the privacy of my own home and free to let my emotions out. My day mask comes off and I am just a mother, aching for her child.

9. SOME DAYS MAY BE OVERWHELMING. The slightest thing can trigger a bad time. It can be a song, a place I go, a holiday, a wedding or even smells or sounds. If I break down and start crying or seem to be in another world, it is because I am thinking of my child and longing for what I will never have again.

10. LET ME DO WHATEVER MAKES ME HAPPY. Don�t think me strange if I want to go to the cemetery a lot, if I want to buy a brick in honor of my child in every new building in town, or if I want to try to get new laws passed to keep this world safe for our children. I may need to try different things before I find what will be right for me in my new life. Encourage me to reach for the stars.

We will never forget our children. The pain never leaves. It just softens a little with time. We eventually function again, feel hope again, find joy in our lives. It is a long road that we travel, but with the help of friends and relatives who understand a little of how we feel and what we are going through, perhaps that road will lead to new paths to enrich our lives in new ways we never dreamed were possible.

The death of an infant or a miscarriage is so sad. Many times it�s difficult to know what to say, how to say it and of course you may be wondering what not to say. Often those worries keep people from reaching out to support friends and loved ones who are experiencing this loss. Receiving support and condolences is very important to the grief process. This article is written to assist you in supporting a grieving parent . Read the rest of this entry »