Grief | Grieving | Death of a Child

I LOST MY SON AUG. 8 2006. HE WAS MY ONLY CHILD. WE WERE VERY CLOSE. HE HAD JUST TURNED 38 WHEN HE DIED. I WAS PREPARING TO COMMITE SUICIDE BEFORE HE DIED BECAUSE I KNEW I COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM. BUT HE KNEW ME SO WELL THAT WHILE WE WERE STILL AT HOME HE MADE ME PROMISE I WOULD NOT KILL MYSELF. HE MADE ME PROMISE 4 TIMES.SO I WILL NEVER EVER BREAK MY PROMISE TO HIM. HE DIED OF CANCER AND I HAD TO PULL THE LIFE SUPPORT. HIS SOUL WAS ALREADY GONE BECAUSE WHEN I KISSED HIS FACE IT WAS COLD AND I COU LD NOT SHUT HIS EYES. THEY WERE HALF OPEN. I AM ALWAYS DEPRESSED AND CRY A LOT. I AM DEVESTATED.

CATHY

Dear Cathy,

We are so very sorry for your loss. We have posted your response on the blog, so it can help others who also experience such pain and loss by helping them know that they are not alone.
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/
Help and support can also be found through a Compassionate Friends Group in Your Area. For more information go to http://www.compassionatefriends.org/  You can find a local group as well as many valuable resources to help you along the way. Each member has experienced the death of a child and each has survived and grieved in his or her own way. With this group you do not have to walk this path alone. We encourage you to attend and we encourage you to seek help from a professional grief counselor to help you through the depression.
Blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
 

So as it often does, once again, how we manage our grief becomes a matter of choice. I remember Rich Edler once said, “We cannot change what happened, but we do have a choice what we do about it. Grief is inevitable. Misery is optional.”

So here are some of our choices.

We can choose whether that videotape plays tragic memories…
or a remembrance of all the good things in a life that was too short. Read the rest of this entry »

As many of you have been or are currently, I was consumed with the question WHY? I needed to make some sense out of these tragedies.

Why was Scott, a normal full term baby, only to experience difficulties during labor and expire after only 16 hours of life?

Why was Erin miscarried?

Why did the truck turn in front of Lance?

Why was Lance going too fast to stop?

Why wasn’t he going a little faster so he could have avoided the accident?

Why did this happen to us?

Why were we being punished? Read the rest of this entry »

I believe that early on, I reached an intellectual understanding that my wife and I were dealing with grief differently. When I was up, she was down. When I was down, she was up. When she needed company, I needed to be alone and vice-versa. I sort of knew that but it didn’t really sink in until a number of months down this road.

Most Friday nights we try to have dinner out. So on this particular Friday evening we’re in the middle of dinner and Kathy tells me that I don’t seem to talk about Lance as much as I did early on. It’s as if I am forgetting him and that is of considerable concern. Read the rest of this entry »

I went back to work a couple of weeks after Lance’s death.

I was very fortunate to have a caring and compassionate work environment. My partners and associates covered for me while I was off. When I returned they asked me how Kathy was doing. They spoke Lance’s name. They asked how his brothers, Bryan and Sean, were holding up. They talked about the accident. They offered any assistance my family needed.

I was back to work for a couple of months when one of my partners came into my office, closed the door and said, “We are very sad that Lance was killed and we expect that it is devastating for your family. However, we did not cause his death. You are very angry and you are taking that anger out on all of us. We would like for it to stop.” Read the rest of this entry »

NOTE: This is  the second in a series of six postings.

Three or four weeks after Lance’s funeral we received an information packet from The Compassionate Friends (TCF). When I came home Kathy told me about the information and how it was a support group for bereaved parents and how she wanted to go to a meeting.

I’m listening but honestly I’m thinking that this is the last thing I need. I don’t do support groups. Heck I don’t ask for directions when I driving, what makes you think I’m going to a support group meeting.

However, I know Kathy is in no shape to go alone so reluctantly I go. Read the rest of this entry »

NOTE: This is  the first of a six part article that will be posted each day for the next six days. You will find both help and confort here knowing that, indeed, you do not walk alone.

It’s hard for me to believe that March of this year was Lance’s 37 birthday and it will be 12 years this May since he died. It has been even longer for Scott and Erin. As I look back I realize that the passage of time provided some help but other influences in the form of people, events and organizations have had an even greater impact on my journey. So I would like to share some reflections that have helped me with the intent that you might find another piece of the map that may give you hope and help you on this journey of healing. Read the rest of this entry »

Hello,

We came across your website, and being both bereaved siblings, we 
would like to share our project with you. We are writing to tell you 
about Collecting Loss: Weaving Threads of Memory 
(www.collectingloss.com), a community arts project which involves 
collecting clothing that belonged to people who have died and 
collecting the story this clothing evokes from those who loved them. Read the rest of this entry »

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) would like to welcome you to the Survivor e-Network. 

Through the Survivor e-Network, AFSP reaches out to survivors (and interested others) with periodic updates about resources for healing, conferences, educational programs, research developments, and advocacy opportunities.

Too often, survivors feel alone and powerless as they struggle with their sorrow and questions. We hope the Survivor e-Network will provide both reassurance and information.

Heal in your own way. Learn what you need to know. Get involved when you’re ready. Let us help. 

Take good care,

Joanne Harpel, AFSP Director of Survivor Initiatives, and
Ed Dunne, Chair, AFSP National Survivor Council

P.S. Please feel free to forward this message to anyone you think might be interested. And if you received this from a friend, you can  join the e-Network yourself.

Dear Dr. Prigerson,

I just wanted to share with you the response to Ronald Kotulak’s article that we will be putting on our blog.  We have been receiving angry e-mails regarding his generalizing your study to bereaved parents.  If you or the other authors have any comments please send them off to us and we will add them to the blog.  We will also be talking about the article on our internet radio show next Thursday.  Thanks, Gloria Horsley
 
This is a response to the article From the Chicago Tribune Scientists measure 5 stages of Grief by Ronald Kotulak, February 20, 2007
 
As a bereaved parent, psychotherapist and Clinical Nurse Specialist, I am distressed with Mr. Kotulak’s article taken from, “An Empirical Examination of the Stage Theory of Grief”, Jama, Vol. 297, February 21, 2007.  This was an important study done by Maciejewski, Zhang, Block, and Prigerson on the Stage Theory of Grief.  It is unfortunate that Mr. Kotulak has led the reader to believe that this study could be generalized to bereaved parents.  While there has been a great deal of research regarding widow’s responses to death there has been little regarding bereaved parents.  Since the majority of the sample (83%) of 233 bereaved individuals with a mean age of (62) were spouses of the deceased and the other (16%) who were called “remaining participants” and said to be adult children, parents, or siblings of the deceased.  We have a missing piece of information here.  Just exactly how many parents were there in the study, couldn’t have been many? 
 
Nothing in the JAMA article is given on the, “remaining participants”. Yet, Mr. Kotulak uses as his prime example Christine Reilly, 39, of Whitman, Mass whose son Michael died in 1999.  As a bereaved parent I would like to say that by generalizing this study to bereaved parents Mr.  Kotulak has done huge disservice to all those who have lost children.  As a clinician it concerns me that Mr.  Kotulak would use a bereaved mother as his example and then quote Paul Maciejewski, as saying, “Acceptance is the norm in the case of natural deaths, even soon after the loss”, and then Ms Prigerson as saying “This would suggest that people who have extreme levels of depression, anger or yearning beyond six months would be those who might benefit from a better mental health evaluation and possible referral for treatment”.  Would anyone in their right mind really say these things to a bereaved parent?
 
 
Gloria C. Horsley Ph.D
National Board Member of The Compassionate Friends
www.thegriefblog.com
Host of Healing The Grieving Heart
188 Minna Street, 38D
San Francisco, Ca 94105
415-994-8263