Dear Dawn,

We are so very sorry for your tremendous loss. Nothing in life prepares us to bury a child or grandchild and few people, unless they have experienced it, can understad the depth of pain that goes with it. Our hearts go out to you and to Andrew’s parents.

We encourage you to see if there is a Compassionate Friends group in your area. This is a group of bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings who come together so they can be with people who understand and can give and receive comfort and support. You can find them at http://www.compassionatefriends.org.  Perhaps you and his mother could go to the first few meetings together to see if it is helpful for you both.  It is so important that you have someone to talk to and express your feelings with. If groups are not for you we urge you to find someone in your family or group of friends that you can share with. We have found  that the burden of grief is lighter if it is not carried alone.

This is a time  to be gentle with yourself. Grief is not easy.  We each go  through our grief  in our own time and our own way and it requires that you take care of yourself. You may need more rest than usual, You may need to cry more than you ever have before. Do what you need to do for you.

You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/.  We often read letters that we have received on The Grief Blog, we encourage you  to listen next Thursday.

 

We will post your letter and our response on http://www.thegriefblog.com. You may want to check back frequently to see comments that are left for you by our very loving and compassionate readers. There usually just aren’t any answsers to questions of why such tragedys happen but, if any of our readers have information for you they can send it directly to you or post it on the blog in case there  are others who can be helped by it.

 

Again, our sincere condolences.

 

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Carla,

We are so very sorry for your loss. Losing a child or a grandchild is such a huge loss and sometimes people don’t understand why you don’t “get over it” quickly. Please know that there is no time limit on grief and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. The grieving grandparent is often overlooked in our efforts to console the grieving parent. And you and other grandparents have the difficult job of consoling and comforting your child while you bear your own heavy load of grief.

Sometimes talking about it helps and we encourage you to get involved with a grief group so you can talk about it freely with those who understand. One group we recommend highly is The Compassionate Friends. (http://www.compassionatefriends.org ) If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact  your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation or visit a counselor for a few sessions. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. 

You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/  Specifically, you might like to listen to the show aired on May 17, 2007: Thoughts on Being a Bereaved Parent and Grandparent with Polly Moore.

 

We will post your letter to The Grief Blog because there are many grieving grandparents who can be helped by knowing they are not alone.

 

Again, our sincere condolences,

 

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

Wanted to email you and let you know that we will be hosting The Second Annual Mother’s Day Bereavement Ceremony Saturday, May 12th, 2007 at 11am. This will include an uplifting service, a balloon launch and a free luncheon. The whole service is free but we do ask that you register!

It is Saturday, May 12, at 11am at the Vandalia Christian Tabernacle in Vandalia, Ohio (located just off I-75)
The service is to honor both our children and the Mother’s on this special day. There is a video tribute during the service, a balloon launch and then immediately following a free luncheon.  For more information or for free registration visit www.vctchurch.com and click on the Mother’s Day Bereavement Ceremony link. (When the website comes up, click anywhere on the screen and it will take you to the church’s page.  Scroll down until you see 2nd Annual Mother’s Day Bereavement Ceremony.)

Holly Mutlu
Director Women’s Ministries, VCT
and proud mom to Mia

I will put all of this information on the website.

Love from a fellow traveler,
Dinah
http://www.ucumberlands.edu/lamentations/

BEREAVEMENT STAGES

Bereavement has also been a serious issue of psychological study. Bereavement is anticipatory in nature and it follows a regular pattern. The kith and kin of the dead also experience the stages of acceptance and denial. Bereavement has two stages. Bereavement commences before a dying person dies. At the same time, such an anticipatory psychological stage also diffuses subsequent distress. The second stage of bereavement lasts longer. This stage can be more severe if the death is unexpected. The mourners exhibit some common symptoms during the second stage. They lose sleep and appetite. They also cry immensely. At times, the mourners can also have problems in crying. At such stages, attempts are made to make them cry forcefully. There can also be feelings of alarm, anger and/or grief at being deserted. The grief can subsequently transform into depression. Such depression can also be precipitated if there is no conventional support, solace or help. This may again lead to loneliness. With time, the survivor or the person regains strength, feels assured and restores ties with the society.

CARE OF TERMINALLY ILL PATIENTS

First and foremost, the terminally ill patients are taken care of in special clinics called hospices. The psychologists and physicians involved in these typical hospitals must themselves be well equipped psychologically to deal with this abnormally serious situation. These experts must first conquer any fear of death. It is only then that they would be able to offer comfort to the patients.

SHOULD PATIENTS BE TOLD THEY ARE DYING?

Nowadays, there is conformity among the experts that the dying patients must be told of their typical stage. But, this is not an easy task and it has to be done with caring and tact. Once such openness is initiated, there is no pretense. The informed dying person can also embrace death with serenity and dignity. Clergy and therapists or clergy can also lend a helping hand in this regard. Their communication can aid the patient to express the inner feelings, thoughts, and memories. These intermediaries can also substitute the anxious family members and help in normalizing the situation as the dying patient starts speaking of death.

THEORIES OF DEATH

The common concept is that death happens when the body?s vital functions including breathing and circulation (perceptible through the beating of the heart) ceases. However, the ?Brain death theory? challenges this conception of death. The new theory maintains that breakthroughs in medical sciences have evolved artificial means to sustain respiration and even the functions of the heart. The protagonists of this new school of thought state that death takes place when there is an irreversible loss of brain activity. This stand gained worldwide acceptance. After the 1980s, most of the US States also accepted brain death as one of the inevitable symptoms of death.
But now, even this concept of brain death has been challenged, because a person can lose all capacity for higher mental functioning while the lower portion of the brain keeps on functioning. Mention may be made of spontaneous respiration which keeps on functioning. For this reason, some authorities now argue that death should be deemed the loss of the capacity for consciousness or social interaction. This sign of death, they opine, is the absence of activity in the higher centers of the brain, primarily the neo-cortex region.
The West has been viewing death as the departure of the soul from the body. According to the Western philosophy, death takes place the moment breathing ceases. This interpretation also states that the soul does not possess any corporeal form. So, one can?t determine or objectively witness the soul departing from the body. Moreover, the West keeps the concept of ?human? free from the physical properties.

HOW DIFFERENT CULTURES VIEW DEATH?

Different cultures have been viewing death from different angles. As a result, there have been interesting and fascinating interpretations. Academic interpretations have also influenced the society?s concept of death. Besides, moral issues have also added a new dimension to the debate on willful precipitation of death. Moreover, fast advancing medical advances and legal pursuits have opened up a new dimension in the definition of death.
Here?s a list of the new debatable issues concerning death. The questions that they elicit have assumed urgency against the possibility of human tissue transplantation. There is also the issue of the need for organs to be weighed against the rights of the dying donor. Nonetheless the issues are as follows:
Who will decide the criteria for death? Will it be the physician, or the legislature, or will it be each person for himself or herself?
Is it morally and legally permissible to advance the moment of death by severing the artificial support?
Do people possess the right to demand that the extraordinary or artificial means or measures be curtailed so that they can ?die in peace??
Can a legal guardian or the next of kin act for the comatose (dying) person under such situations?
Taking into perspective such pressing issues, many people as well as several groups have moved to set up an individual?s ?right to die?. This is again sought to be done via the legal means of ?living wills?. Through the ?Living Will?, an individual confers the right to withdraw the life-sustaining treatment upon family members or legal figures. In the USA, as many as 40 states recognized the validity of some form of living-will arrangement by 1991. However, complex ancillary questions still remain to be settled.

Nilutpal Gogoi is a writer and a freelance journalist having more than 18 years of service in several audio-visual and print media reputed organizations in North East India. He has published one popular adventure book for children and has published more than 1000 articles for various sites, as such
http://www.wellnesscareplan.com/ http://www.healthylivingabout.com/
http://www.wellnesscareplan.com/

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nilutpal_Gogoi

First of all what helps:
1. I’m sorry. This simple sentence conveys so much. It means you care, you acknowledge the loss and you understand the person you care about is in pain.

2. What can I do to support you? Asking this question allows the grieving parent to ask specifically for what they need. They may need help making phone calls, or funeral arrangements. They may need help with childcare for other children. They may want you to remember their child’s birthday with them. By asking this question you offer your friendship and caring for the grieving parents specific needs.

3. Listen. Grieving parents need to talk about their feelings, their lost hopes and dreams. They need to express feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, and devastation. Being available to listen to those feelings and not trying to make the situation better or offering solutions is a true gift.

4. Send a sympathy gift. Receiving a sympathy gift that specifically honors the miscarriage or infant loss provides enfolding comfort to grieving parents. Knowing that someone cared enough to honor their grief with a gift validates this tragic loss and provides comfort in a time when comfort is difficult to find.
What not to say:

Sometimes in an effort to try and make someone feel better we may say things or want to say things that in this situation don’t help. If you read this and find you have already said some of these things call or write your friend and apologize. Let your friend know your intention was to offer sympathy and support and if some of your comments were offensive you are sorry. This apology will go a long way in letting your grieving friend know you care.
1. I know how you feel or offer comparison stories. The death of a child is a unique experience for everyone and grieving people often bristle when someone utters this statement. The child this parent is grieving had unique hopes and dreams and characteristics and this parent was in their own unique circumstance. Each person’s grief is different.

2. At least. Any statements that have at least in them; at least she didn’t suffer, at least you didn’t have to go through labor… What these statements imply is look on the bright side. To the grieving parent there is not a bright side of this situation. Only death and loss.

3. Should statements. You should go on a vacation, you should focus on the healthy children you have, you should move on … The grieving parent will need to decide how to manage the grief process and it at this time it is likely theyare in survival mode and just trying to get through the day, the hour, the month. Thinking about what should be done only adds to the misery.

4. You can have another baby. Hopefully these grieving parents will have this opportunity when they are ready. However, right now they need to focus on their grief, their loss and no child will replace this child who died.
Thanks for supporting a grieving friend. Caring friends are an essential part of the healing process and make a difficult time a little easier. If you have additional questions please feel free to write dearchellie@acknowledgements.net. We appreciate your business and the support you offer to those who are grieving.

www.acknowledgements.net

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Chellie_Bonebrake

G: Hello. I’m Dr. Gloria Horsley. Welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart. Today’s topic is Grandparents Dealing with Grief. I’ll have to admit that I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching regarding this topic. When I think back 22 years, I’ll have to say in the depths of my grief, my parents were not a priority for me. Our 17-year-old son, Scott, had died and my father had had a stroke and my mother was exhausted from taking care of him. You know, in fact, I didn’t call my mother and tell her immediately when my son was killed, and a doctor who was a shirt-tail relative called her and said I guess you heard that your grandson was killed. When she expressed shock and dismay, the doctor hung up. I knew I should have called my parents but, you know, calling my parents or my siblings made it just all too real for me and too close to home. The other factor was that for more than 30 years, we’d lived in the eastern United States and my parents had lived in the western United States. We saw each other once or twice a year, got together for Christmas, birthday presents, but, you know, they weren’t close to us as my other siblings that lived by them. But truly I will have to say that my four children really felt their love from afar and also, our family was a stiff-upper-lip family. Years before, my brother’s son had died at age 2 from a congenital heart defect. My parents and I went to the funeral but nobody ever talked about the death and my brother was a bit bitter because our parents didn’t talk about it and they didn’t offer him any financial support while his in-laws were very supportive in every way. Years later, my aunt, knowing I was a therapist and also knowing my son had been killed, wrote to me about the death of her granddaughter. I must admit, I was of no help to her. Rather than being sympathetic to her loss as a grandmother, I wrote to her about how to support her son and daughter-in-law. I totally left her lost, unacknowledged, and thus invalidated her as a bereaved grandmother. I now understand getting ready for this show how clueless I’ve been. Another factor is that there are many grandparents who are primary caregivers and who have played a major role in caring for grandchildren and in illness and in health. In fact, many working parents are lucky enough to have a grandmother or a grandfather who take on the full-time role of raising the children. When I first addressed this topic, I didn’t know if I would have enough material to do a show on grandparents and loss, and now I think I could do a whole year. I have truly come to appreciate how painful and unacknowledged the loss of a grandchild can be. Healing the Grieving Heart is about nourishing the heart and removing the blocks that slow the miracle of renewal. I know you hurt. I’ve been there. Have faith. The heart always heals. The sun will shine. Even after a devastating death of a grandchild, all is possible. You can love, open your heart, and be happy again. Please join our show today, Grandparents Dealing with Grief, by calling our toll-free number 1-866-369-3742 with questions or comments regarding the losses in your life or email me at gchorsley@aol.com. Today, I am very honored to have as my special guest, Barbara Weitzberg, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, mom of Stacy, mother-in-law of Steve, and bereaved grandparent of Alyssa, who died in 1997 at age 2. Good morning, Barbara, and welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart.
B: Good morning, Gloria, and thanks for doing these shows and including a segment on grandparenting.
G: It’s great to have you on. We were talking before the show about how tough it is to go back to these experiences. It’s very hard. Could you tell our audience your story about Alyssa and the journey that your family went through?
B: Alyssa was our first grandchild, and I remember the excitement really well of my daughter, Stacy, calling and saying, “Guess what, I’m pregnant,” and that sense of “Oh, my gosh, I’m going to be a grandparent for the first time,” and just the anticipation and the excitement and then also the “Oh, my gosh, could I possibly be old enough to be a grandmother?” Her pregnancy was very easy. Her sonogram was normal. She called when she was in labor and, at that time, she was in California and I was in Maryland, but I had a ticket ready to go and I said I’ll be on the next flight out of here. During the night she called back to say that Alyssa had been born and we had a baby girl. When I got to the hospital, which was sometime mid-morning, we went to the nursery to see her and there were a lot of staff around her crib and a portable x-ray machine was there. From that moment, Stacy really moved into a proactive mode, and I was thinking about it earlier how that was the stance that she actually took right from the beginning. It’s, “What are you doing? That’s my baby. Why isn’t someone telling me what’s going on?” The next 24 hours were really a nightmare as they tried to figure out what was happening. She was in distress and they didn’t know what it was.
G: She was having breathing problems?
B: No, she actually was having bowel problems, and how they could tell that, I have no idea. But they did end up transferring her to a major hospital in Los Angeles. It took probably about five days before they were able to diagnose the fact that she had a rare liver disorder. It’s called Alagille named after a French doctor who discovered this syndrome. What we weren’t able to know until quite a bit afterwards with genetic testing is that from everything that we can figure out, it was a genetic mutation and not something that was hereditary. So, of course, some of our first thoughts were, “Okay, let’s think about family members. Let’s figure out what’s going on here.” And just trying to sort out the impact of having a baby that something was wrong. She lived two years and almost two months and was just incredible. I think she gave us a really beautiful gift of her living. And what actually happened, the syndrome consists of liver problems, kidney, heart, and the doctors were very supportive in promising that they could transplant this and transplant that and everything would be fine. I think my husband, though, who is Stacy’s stepfather since she was 6 years old, I think he had more of a sense that they were really trying to do a lot to take care of her and he wasn’t as hopeful about it, and I had really mixed feelings but it was more a profound sadness that I had not only for myself but for Stacy and Steve who were struggling with the fact that this was their first child.
G: How did you feel as a mother with Stacy?
B: I don’t remember our exchanging a lot of words. I think it was more a lot of hugs, a lot of walks. It was one of those times where we didn’t know what we could say to each other and it was such a profound feeling of not only sadness but helplessness, but I couldn’t kiss it and make her feel better.
G: Like you always had been. And how about you? Who was supporting you?
B: I was trying to remember some of that. I have several really good friends and I think that they were the ones, in addition to my husband, that I could call at any time and just say, “I’ve just got to unload,” or “I’ve just got to talk,” or “Here’s what’s happening now.”
G: Were you staying out there? Were you in California a lot then?
B: Yes. Actually, I stayed. Alyssa was in the neonatal intensive care for a month, and I stayed there and then I stayed beyond after she came home to help Stacy and then what I did is I would go back to California every four to six weeks to help because she had liver problems that caused itching and so she didn’t sleep very much. So Stacy was up almost every hour.
G: Did she bond with you or were you just supporting Stacy or were you holding the baby and taking care of her?
B: Actually, I felt at times as though I was her mom as well. What Stace and I did is that she did the late evening feedings and taking care of her, and Stacy would wake me around 2:00 in the morning and then I would take the rest of the night and into the morning so Stacy could get sleep. And so I was helping with the feedings and the medications and walking her and just really bonded very, very much with her. I felt at times like she was my child, rather than my grandchild.
G: It’s time for us to take a break. When we come back, let’s move on to her passing away and how that affected you as a grandma and what kind of support you got then and what you needed. You’re listening to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m Dr. Gloria and my guest today is Barbara Weitzberg, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, mom of Stacy, mother-in-law of Steve, and bereaved grandparent of Alyssa. If you would like to join our show with comments for me or Barbara, please call our toll-free number at 1-866-369-3742 or email me at gchorsley@aol.com. All of the shows for Healing the Grieving Heart are archived on the Compassionate Friends website. This is Dr. Gloria. Stay tuned.
Welcome back to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m Dr. Gloria Horsley and my guest today is Barbara Weitzberg, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, mom of Stacy, mother-in-law of Steve, and bereaved grandparent of Alyssa. As we were going to break, we were talking about, Barbara, that we would talk about Alyssa’s death and how that impacted you, and while we talk about that, we’re very fortunate today to have Steve’s father, Alyssa’s grandfather, the paternal grandfather, and Barbara is the maternal grandmother, and so we are going to have them both on the show right now and I think it would be great if we could Harvey on when we talk about Alyssa’s death. Oh, Harvey dropped. Okay, let’s go on Barbara and talk about it and then Harvey will probably come back on.
B: Okay. Alyssa had gone into the hospital for what they thought was an ear infection and because her kidneys were not doing well, they felt they couldn’t give her an antibiotic and so what they did instead is they took her into surgery to drain what they thought was an infection.
G: Now, you were there?
B: Oh, I was actually in Maryland.
G: So you were in Maryland. Were the other family members there?
B: Yes, the other family members were in California with them where they all lived.
G: How did you hear about it? So they took her in and she died in the operating room?
B: She evidently died right after the surgery was completed. Stacy called us.
G: So it was really a surprise?
B: Yes. It was very much a surprise and the call came in around midnight, woke us up, my husband answered the phone and I heard cardiac arrest. It was just a time where we were both pacing the floor and, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, and again flew back out to California.
G: Your husband flew with you, then?
B: No, actually we went separately.
G: So you were by yourself. How was that as a grandmother flying by yourself? I remember thinking the world was normal and I felt like it shouldn’t be normal and I wanted to tell all these people, but of course you don’t do that.
B: I remember that same feeling of almost wanting to scream “stop laughing, stop talking, stop living, my grandchild has just died.”
G: Right, don’t you know that, yeah.
B: And it was something that the body luckily does which is go into a numb mode so that when you’re asking me this question, I’m thinking, “Hm. I wonder what I was thinking about when I was by myself?” I don’t even remember it. It’s all a fog.
G: So you got to the hospital in a fog.
B: We actually met at Stacy’s in-laws’ house where everybody had gathered and then we met outside as we drove up and Stacy and Steve were outside. All I really remember is a lot of crying and a lot of hugging and none of the words. They have a lot of friends there since Steve was born and raised there, and everybody seemed really, really supportive and grounded them.
G: Did you feel like an outsider at all walking into this situation?
B: I didn’t because they had been around us for the two years and the events – the baby naming, the birthday parties – and I was always there and so I felt very supported. It was when I came back to Maryland where I had some difficulty because it went from a situation of so many people, a very supportive atmosphere, to being very, very by myself.
G: How did you deal with that?
B: I think what I did the most was start to call friends and also I had a very good friend here who I could talk to about it and even though she hadn’t had that experience, she just was with me the whole way. Eventually, I went for some short-term counseling.
G: You never joined a grandparents group?
B: I actually tried to start a grandparent’s group and when I had the energy, I sent out letters to a hundred different religious institutions and only heard back from two. Wonderful idea, great idea, definitely need it, but I was only able to get two other sets of grandparents come to a couple of groups, and then one decided they just couldn’t deal with it. So the group did not continue.
G: One of the things the literature shows is that grandparents don’t get a lot of support from parent groups. They almost need it separately because they end up in the hierarchical parenting the bereaved parents rather than meeting their own needs.
B: And I think that they definitely are disenfranchised grievers. There’s really not a place to go with the grief. The questions I would get was, “How’s your daughter doing? How’s your son-in-law doing?” And I remember answering their question and silently walking away thinking, “Gosh, I sure wish they’d ask me how I’m doing.”
G: How about the other grandparents? Were you able to connect up with them? Steve’s parents?
B: Definitely. When we were out there together, we spent a lot of time together. We talked about Alyssa. We wanted to honor her memory by keeping that memory alive and so luckily for our family, it didn’t move into a mode of, “Well, we don’t want to talk about it. It’s over with.” And so I think it really helped everyone to continue mentioning her name, talking about it, sharing stories.
G: Did you have any religious differences or issues?
B: No, not in our particular case. The one thing that kind of is a little bit a side of your question that I found fascinating is that as a clinical social worker I worked in a mental health agency, and it was fascinating for me to find that the clinicians that I worked with actually were afraid to ask me anything about Alyssa because they had that sense that if they asked me, I would suddenly be thinking about her, not able to acknowledge or recognize that I thought about her all the time and that asking about her would have been helpful rather than hurtful, and I think there’s a misconception out in the world of people when they’re not grieving, they don’t realize that the person who is grieving is thinking about that person all the time.
G: Especially maybe with a grandparent where you’ve been separated by many miles, too. The sense I’m getting from you is that your family didn’t have any huge issues before the death.
B: Not that I can think of.
G: Because things seem to have gone pretty smoothly which sometimes they don’t in families and I’m sure you’ve seen that, too, because you will grieve the loss of your grandparent or your child the way you’ve lived your life. I actually wrote a book on in-law issues which you see a lot in therapy, so if you’ve got in-law problems before, it can be pretty dramatic after.
B: That makes sense.
G: There’s a lot of complaints apparently from bereaved parents in group that they do not feel supported enough by their parents at the loss of their child.
B: I think also there’s the issue that the parents don’t know what it’s like to be a grandparent who has lost a child, and the grandparent doesn’t know what it’s like to be a parent who has lost a child, and I think there’s an awkwardness there. Even though Stacy and I are very close, I think it was really difficult. We were both in a different place and it was very difficult to talk about in words. It was more I felt like in doing something like bringing her a special present or spending time with her, or do you want to go sit at the ocean, or do you want to take a walk, or just trying to think of ways to help her with self care.
G: And then how about yourself, helping yourself with health care? Did you get depressed at all?
B: I don’t think I got depressed as much as I was sad. I think there was this profound sadness and searching. I think the searching that I didn’t realize at the time was part of the grieving process and everything seemed so upside down that I questioned everything. Why did it happen? Why did the doctors? Why did? What about religion? Everything that could possibly come up came up. I think I fairly quickly realized that it was a wrong path to go in that it would just give me more unrest and so it wasn’t the “why?” I kind of made a shift to, “okay, how am I going to deal with this and how can I take care of myself?”
G: How can I take care of myself as a bereaved grandparent rather than just trying to take care of other people as a parent? And I think probably some of the depression that older people have, I know I have an aunt who is quite depressed, is maybe related to this and they don’t even connect into it that they have the right to be sad, the right to be bereaved, and that it does take time and even years to deal with the loss of the grandchild. It’s time for us to break now. You’re listening to Healing the Grieving Heart and I’m Dr. Gloria. My guest today is Barbara Weitzberg, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, mom of Stacy, mother-in-law of Steve, and bereaved grandparent of Alyssa. If you’d like to join our show with comments for me or Barbara, please call our toll-free number at 1-866-369-3742. You can email me at gchorsley@aol.com.
Welcome back to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m your host Dr. Gloria and my guest today is Barbara Weitzberg, Clinical Licensed Social Worker, mom of Stacy, mother-in-law of Steve, and bereaved grandparent of Alyssa, who died in 1997 at age 2. Our topic today is Grandparents Dealing with Grief. If you’d like to join our show with comments for me or Barbara, call our toll-free number at 1-866-369-3742. These shows are archived on www.thecompassionatefriends.org and www.Health.VoiceAmerica.com. Now on the phone we have Steve Parker’s father and Stacy Parker’s mother, so we have the maternal grandmother and the paternal grandfather, Barbara and Harvey. Okay, there we go. All right, what I wanted to do now is say that I’m happy to have Harvey on the show. Hi, Harvey.
H: Good morning.
G: He is from Southern California, and we were talking about Alyssa, his granddaughter, and her death before he came on the show with Barbara, and I said to Harvey, I am really pleased to have a male on the show because we don’t get a lot of male grandfathers who are willing to come on and talk about it which is absolutely fantastic. So Barbara and I were talking about the kind of support that grandparents get. Can you tell us what kind of support you got as a grandfather? I know guys are supposed to be strong. Did you feel like you needed it? How were you after Alyssa’s death?
H: Well, in my mind, Alyssa never died and I was there when she did die. She’s in my heart and when I go to work, I have to pass by the cemetery that she now rests in. So, therefore, she’s always with me.
G: And did you feel like, it’s been what, eight years?
H: Yes, ma’am.
G: Did you feel support from people? Did you need it?
H: No, I don’t think I did. Rather a strong character and my biggest worry about my children, Steve, and I consider Stacy one of my children, too. Whether they could handle it. That was my biggest worry. They came through with flying colors.
G: Do you remember any special things that you did or things that happened? Anything pop out in your memory about the events around it?
H: I was there when Alyssa went in for surgery and all I could remember is praying to God, take me, don’t take that little girl, she’s got a long time to live. That’s about it. I handled it fairly well. In fact, I went down to see her after she had died. Stacy was holding her. Men aren’t supposed to cry but I did bawl. We went forward from there, because that’s the way life is. You have to go forward no matter what happens. You hate to see it but you go forward.
G: You’re bringing up some of the points that — I’ve been doing a little bit of reading because I’m not a bereaved grandparent — but some of the points that come up around that, the survival guilt, the survival thought, why wasn’t it me? Things are supposed to happen in this sequence and they’re not happening in this time. So it sounds like you had that thought. I would guess you were probably pretty supportive of your wife, too.
H: Well, I try to be.
G: Then during that time, did you feel like that was part of your job?
H: Yes. My wife needed a little bit of help. She took it a lot harder than I did and I try to back her up. As you know, there are no groups for grandparents so we didn’t join one.
G: Do you think if there had been one, you would have? Barb and I were talking about that a little bit. She tried to start one in the East and she couldn’t get people.
H: Possibly. Possibly. I’m sort of a very strong character. My wife could have probably used it and then I would have backed her up and we would have both gone.
G: Right. So Stacy and Steve, they do Compassionate Friends.
H: Oh, yeah. I think this is one of the things that probably helped them through this whole thing. And now they run a group as you know. So they are still doing it and, of course, Alyssa lives in our hearts as well as the charities we support and so on and so forth in her name.
G: Tell us about those.
H: Steve tried to run a golf tournament, as you know, at least once a year. At UCLA, there’s a house for children
G: Maybe Barbara can tell us about that.
B: I’m trying to remember the name. Before that, though, there is a museum, a children’s museum in, I think, downtown L.A. There is a tree there in her memory. I don’t think it’s a real tree or maybe part of it is, but children come in and they can take different colored paper and pipe cleaners and make flowers and put flowers on the tree, and it’s just a really very sweet sight to me when I go to see it and that other children are able to sit around the tree and also put flowers on the tree.
H: There’s also a picnic area in the museum for the kids to play and set up and so on and so forth, and that’s a permanent project. And now with this children’s hospital at UCLA
G: Now they’re doing a room in her name, aren’t they?
B: I think what it is is a playroom where the families stay of children who are ill who are getting treatment at the hospital. It’s called the Tiverton House.
G: Well, it sounds like you all as grandparents have a nice working relationship around Alyssa. Stacy and Steve have other children?
H: Yes, they have two healthy children, thank God.
G: How do you — and Barb, I would like you to think about this, too, and let me know — how do you keep Alyssa’s memory alive for them? Do you feel like that’s part of your role as a grandparent?
H: Whenever something comes up in respect to Alyssa, we bring her name out and they know that she passed away and that she was the first-born and their sister. That way, we keep it alive and I’m sure it will be kept alive as long as we’re alive and as long as the parents are alive.
G: Wonderful stories that grandparents bring in, Barb?
H: You know, when somebody asks me how many grandchildren I have. I’m fortunate. I have one that has passed away and five that are alive so I tell them I have six grandchildren.
G: That’s great because that is a big question for people at times. Did you always feel comfortable about saying that?
H: Absolutely.
G: How about you, Barb.
B: Actually, I did not, and I weighed who I wanted to say what to so sometimes I would say I have four grandchildren plus one who died. Sometimes I would say I have five grandchildren and not mention that Alyssa died. It really depended on the situation. That was early on. Now I don’t hesitate to say I have one grandchild who died and she was my first.
G: Are you all the same religion? Are there any religious differences or were there any differences in how you wanted to do the funeral or anything around that?
H: We’re all the same religion so that made it a lot easier, too. But the parents, as far as I’m concerned, would have to designate what they want, and we have to back them up. Because they’re going to take it harder than the grandparents in my opinion, anyway.
G: That’s true except I was saying, I do a little prologue before, some grandparents are the primary caregivers.
H: That’s true, but not in this case.
G: But not in this case, right, so you’re feeling that the parents would take it harder. I always think now about primary caregivers who really feel that responsibility for that individual’s everyday life, every moment.
H: I have to keep in mind that Alyssa was a sick little girl on birth, and Stacy and Steve gave their all to taking care of her. So they were extra-extra-special primary caregivers.
B: I think also, Gloria, that we were fortunate in that the family really came together when she died as well and both sets of grandparents and Stacy and Steve went to the mortuary to help Stacy and Steve with setting up all the funeral arrangements. And even though we were along, they basically decided and they chose what they wanted for her.
G: Give me some advice. What advice would you have for grandparents who have had a child die in the family.
B: Do you want to start with that one, Harvey?
H: That’s a good question. I already stated how I feel. I feel that upwards and onwards. You must not let this child out of your memory but you have to go forward and it’s easy to keep a child in your memory when it was a special child. This was a very special child. I must also tell you that Alyssa is buried below her great-grandparents. So they’re looking over her, too. So we feel that this child is not with us in body, but she’s with us in spirit.
G: So you would say to people, do not despair. Try to keep your child with you in your heart. Give this legacy to the other children in the family. It’s wonderful that your family is so close. For some families, this is not quite as easy. In some ways, maybe they could journal. They could write letters to the child, have conversations. I’ve heard grandparents do that where they actually talk to the child and those kinds of responses. Barbara, when we come from break, I would like you to give us some of your ideas on your advice to grandparents. You’re listening to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m your host Dr. Gloria and we will return from break in a moment. Stay tuned.
Welcome back to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m your host Dr. Gloria and my guest today is Barbara Weitzberg, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, mom of Stacy, mother-in-law of Steve, and bereaved grandparent of Alyssa, who died in 1997 at age 2. Our topic today is Grandparents Dealing with Grief. We also have Harvey Parker who is Steve’s dad and we’re talking about being a grandparent to Alyssa. When we went on break, Barbara and Harvey, Harvey was giving us some ideas of what his thoughts were on how grandparents can take care of themselves, and I was asking Barbara about what she thought when we come back from break. Okay. Barbara, do you have some thoughts?
B: Sure, I think that’s where it was an advantage that being a clinician and specializing in bereavement and loss, I knew at least intellectually about some of the things such as self care, and I guess that’s the point that I would like to stress how important it is that each person find a way to care for themselves.
G: How did you do it?
B: I did a lot of communing with nature. I did a lot of walking, a lot of trips to where there was water. Music that I enjoyed. Talking to friends. I think it’s really important that we do our grieving separately as well as together. I’ve worked with clients who are really turning to their children because they’re in such pain and I think it’s really important that they find a way to take care of their grief because certainly their children are dealing with their own grief.
G: Yes. I think they’re not going to get too much if they turn to their children for their grief because as I said early on this show, I think you’re so devastated that it would be pretty hard having your parents turning to you although it would be wonderful if you were in that good a shape to do it. I certainly wasn’t. Harv, I know you’re a golfer, so one of the things I would say, physical exercise. What’s your thought on that?
H: Well, yeah. Physical exercise does it. It takes your mind off of what you’re thinking about and to think about that little white golf ball. Or if you’re in the gym, you have to think about the pain you’re enduring while you’re working out.
G: So that gets you focused. Some other things that I think are staying healthy, drinking water, trying to get sleep. I know older people sometimes and, as grandparents, we are older people, have sleeping issues. You guys have any thoughts on that?
B: My thought is actually more what to avoid and that is I really encourage and I myself also do not drink, but the idea of turning to alcohol or drugs I think is a dangerous way to get through the process of grieving. I think it just covers up the pain which is going to be there once the drinking and the drugs stop. So my suggestion is to be able to recognize that grieving is a process that we need to walk through. That psalm about walking through the valley of the shadow of death is not something that we just do at the funeral or in a day or two days. Everybody takes whatever amount of time they need to get through it and it’s always different than what society suggests that we do.
G: Harv, what religion are you?
H: We’re Jewish.
G: I just want to have you talk about the rituals because I know that the Jewish faith has some wonderful rituals connected to grief.
H: Yes, there are some, and it’s a way of getting your grieving out into the open and getting past it.
G: And do you sit in Shiva for seven days? Is that right?
H: Yes.
G: And could you tell our audience what that is?
H: I don’t know how to put it into words. Maybe Barbara can do it better than I.
B: It can be anywhere from three to five evenings where there are prayers that are said. Friends and family gather to say the prayers and there’s always a lot of food. But I think the part that starts the healing is that you keep telling the story over and over again that as you are amongst your friends, they’ll ask a question or the conversation comes up, it’s a way that the grievers can talk out loud about what happened and share some of their feelings. So, it’s considered part of the beginning of the healing process.
G: So what we know about grief is that telling the story is important and this is a wonderful setting, an ancient setting of a way to tell the stories so one of the things that we could tell our listeners and learn from that is as grandparents, you need to find settings where you can tell your story.
B: And also to be with friends that don’t want to, I like the expression called “happy you up.” Be with somebody who will sit with you and sit with your pain and be able to hear you out.
G: And, Harv, I was thinking for men, this is really wonderful because they don’t get this opportunity as much as women do, I don’t think.
H: That’s true, but I feel more on, not friends, but family support. We have a lot of that in our family which I’m very happy for.
G: And so, being able to tell your story and everyone knows the story together is great. Is there some kind of – I don’t know if this is Jewish, I’d heard about it before – about putting a black cloth over the tombstone and going to the cemetery a year later? Is that part of your family tradition?
H: Actually, what that is is acknowledging the fact of the death and also the tombstone being put in place, in this case, it’s just a plaque. We get together. The Rabbi says a few prayers and you go forward.
G: And this is a year later?
H: Yes.
G: Is it on the exact date?
B: It used to be and now it seems like it’s varying a little bit depending on if you’re in a climate where it’s the dead of winter, then they do it before the winter so there’s some flexibility.
G: I was in Israel last year and I know one of the traditions that they have over there, our guide was telling us, when people visit, they put a stone on the headstone and when the family comes they can see how many people
B: Rather than flowers, right?
G: Yeah.
H: We feel flowers are inane; or, I feel that flowers are inane. Better you should take the money and support some group.
G: And so you have done that for your family and I know some people do a scholarship.
H: Absolutely, there’s a Parker Foundation.
G: And you’ve done a foundation?
H: No, Steve and Stacy have. They have done a foundation in her name and, of course, Barbara and her husband, and myself and my wife, we support it thoroughly.
G: They’re very lucky, Steve and Stacy, to have a family like you who are united in this and as grandparents, it sounds like you’ve done a good job being able to do that together. Some of the issues that we haven’t talked about here that are difficult for grandparents are when they have in-law issues, but also when there are divorces in the family, estranged people are coming in, people who have been angry, they have problems, mother-in-law problems or whatever. One family was telling me that the mother, actually the grandmother was taking care of her granddaughter when her kids were on a cruise and found out that the granddaughter had leukemia and she had to take care of the granddaughter, tell the family, had to do all of those activities, and then went back home after supporting them through this whole thing only to feel isolated, like you were talking about Barbara. So everything isn’t always rosy, but you certainly have given us some wonderful ideas today on what grandparents can do and also on how you’ve dealt with your grief and with the loss of Alyssa. And I want to thank you both so much for being on the show and making us aware about grandparents’ loss and it’s wonderful to talk to you both. We’re coming to the end of the show, and thanks a lot for being on the show today, you guys.
B: Thank you.
H: Our pleasure. Thank you for allowing us to give our thoughts to the other people.
G: That’s great. Thanks. It’s time to close our show now, and again I want to thank Barbara Weitzberg, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and our topic today has been Grandparents Dealing With Grief. Thanks so much to all who called in and this is Healing the Grieving Heart. This show is archived on www.thecompassionatefriends.org and www.Health.VoiceAmerica.com websites. Please tune in next week when Ceil Buonocore will discuss the death of her son, John, who was killed in the Rome Airport on December 27, 1985. Ceil has used her experience to help other innocent victims of terrorism. In 2004 she received the prestigious Jefferson Award, presented to ordinary people who do extraordinary things without expectation of recognition or reward. It’s a show about courage and love not to be missed. This is Dr. Gloria. Please tune in against next Thursday at 9:00 a.m. Pacific, 12:00 Eastern Standard Time, for more of Healing the Grieving Heart, a show of hope, renewal and support. Remember, you need not walk alone.