Grief | Grieving | Death of a Child

 

A Response to “Sudden Death of My Mother” that Speaks to Us All

March 12th, 2008 . by The Grief Blog

I understand that empty whole that’s left. I have a similar experience… My Mom was about to turn 60, and as healthy and happy as anybody.

My mom, she was the center of this universe, really - even if YOU didn’t know it, the world did revolve around MY mom! She was my best friend. She was a really neat lady, full of spunk and love.

My dad found her dead on the living room floor in the morning. We don’t know what happened, didn’t even know she wasn’t feeling well. She had gotten up some time in the wee hours, walked downstairs and died of a sudden heart attack - she just died. Read the rest of this entry »

How Do You Lose Your Brother?

February 1st, 2008 . by The Grief Blog

What at? Did you say he shot himself? When did this…my head just started to spin. It was like I was having a very bad nightmare that I just needed to wake up from. February 7, 2006 was a day that I will not forget. My older brother took his gun and shot and killed himself in his bed that morning. The call had come from a niece of Sonny’s wife…and I couldn’t believe her words. On the way to his house my mind kept screaming that if I would just wake up this nightmare would end. If I could just wake up. But I was awake and this was true. Read the rest of this entry »

I Lost my Brother and Mother

January 16th, 2008 . by The Grief Blog

My mother had a 3 story house that is broken into one studio apartment with a bathroom in the basement, a 2-bedroom duplex on the first and second floor. I lived in the studio apartment, my mother and sister shared the first floor and my brother had the second floor duplex. We all lived there like one happy family. It’s hard to believe that 4 adults could live together and get alone but we did.

On June 23rd my sister and I were awaken by a knock on the door. My sister is a chaplain at one of the local hospital in our city. So when she say a police officer and a chaplain at our door she knew someone was dead. She called me from downstairs. The officer told me that my brother had fallen from a second story balcony and broke his neck which led to his death. He has just turned 53 years old 11 days before that. Read the rest of this entry »

Survival Guilt

November 29th, 2007 . by The Grief Blog

Hi,

I lost a sister 30 years ago to cancer. I am now graduate student of social work helping children in clinical setting deal with trauma, grief, and developmental delays. I am writing a paper on “survival guilt” based on the movie “Ordinary People” which is about a teen male who loses a brother to a boating accident. B/C the teen witnessed the death he feels responsible and suffers from “survival guilt”. Would you happen to have any past radio shows on this topic? Please let me know. This info would help myself and my paper but the children I work with will truely benefit!

Thank You for this website and the amazing work that you do! I have friends who have taken Heidi’s class at Columbia and highly recommend her work!
Rachel

Dr. Heidi’s Response 

Dear Rachel:
I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your sister to cancer.  Our siblings remain forever in our hearts and in our memories.  We are the people we are today because we had our siblings in our lives, even if only for a short time.  Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes I Don’t Know How to Feel

October 12th, 2007 . by The Grief Blog

Sometimes I don’t know how to feel.
I lost my sister and my brother on December 27, 2006. She was brutally murdered by our brother.

I definitely feel great loss for my sister, but I haven’t gotten to the anger part to our brother for taking her life.
Right now he is in prison, but I feel I’ve lost him too.
Is it normal not to be angry with my brother or in not hating him for taking her away from me? Read the rest of this entry »

I Have Lost 2 Sons, a Brother and My Mother. What Do I Do Now?

September 27th, 2007 . by The Grief Blog

My youngest son, Chad 17 died in and auto wreck on 1-1-04 at age 17, his older brother was all that held me together. Chuck turned 20 that year, we just hung on to each other. I made him leave me and go to college one week after the funeral. We take everyday. Then 2-12-2006 I got the next horrible phone call telling me Chuck was dead. Now I just don’t know what to do. I CAN’T get over it. I was getting a little better and then on July 6th my brother died and on july 7 my mom died. I want to quit. But you know NOTHERING EVERY WILL HURT ME LIKE THE DEATH OF MY BOYS.  What do I do now? They were my future and that’s all gone.
Donna

Dear Donna,

Our hearts go out to you. The loss you have sustained with the death of your two sons, your brother and your mother is vast and we understand how empty your life must feel right now. Read the rest of this entry »

I Lost My Brother on August 14

September 3rd, 2007 . by The Grief Blog

On August 14, 2007 I lost my younger brother on a car accident. I cried up o the day of his funeral 3 days later but has since not been able to cry when it comes to him. I see how much pain the lost of my brother has caused my mother and father. I hear them talked and lend a ear when they want to talk but I feel detached.I feel guilty that I am not suffering or that perhaps I have moved on to fast. The only thing I know is that whatever I am feeling or bottling up is nothing compared to what my mother is feeling.
So I was wondering, as mother who have lost a child, does pain lessen over time? How can I help my mother before the grief overcomes her?

Johanna

Dear Johanna:
I am so sorry to hear about the recent loss of your brother in a car accident.  It is very difficult to lose a sibling.  You mentioned that you feel detached and are unable to cry; your brother has only been dead a couple of weeks, and you are most likely still in shock.  What you are describing is very common after the death of a brother or sister.  When my younger brother died in a car accident, I put my grief on hold for a time because I was so worried about my parents.  Read the rest of this entry »

A Letter Asking for Sibling Support

May 29th, 2007 . by The Grief Blog

Dear Gloria, I recently heard you speak at the Compassionate Friends group in Monterey. I thoroughly enjoyed your presentation. We lost our 34 year old daughter to colon cancer in November 2006. She has 2 sisters. Jenny, her 29 year old sister lives in Brooklyn–works in Manhatten. I am doing the footwork to find out if your daughter has a sibling support group that she conducts or recommends. Thank you for any information you may be able to provide. Shirley Kiatta

Brother’s suicide drives Bears draft pick Bazuin to succeed

April 30th, 2007 . by The Grief Blog

Published April 30, 2007

Not until 3:15 a.m. Sunday did Dan Bazuin finally say goodbye to the last local to leave the pole barn outside McBain , Mich. , where the Bazuin family held his NFL draft party.

Bazuin estimated about 400 “Baners” showed up to celebrate the Bears taking him in the second round with the 62nd pick Saturday, not a bad turnout for a town of 597 in north central Michigan.

It was the one person who wasn’t there Bazuin noticed most.

“I thought about him the whole day and how much he’d love being at the party,” Bazuin said Sunday on the phone.

Bazuin was referring to younger brother Darin, who committed suicide last June one week after winning a Michigan high school discus title. He was 18.

“We never saw it coming,” said Janell Bazuin, Dan and Darin’s mother. “He was never suspected of doing anything like that.”

Darin Bazuin was a good student and a good athlete headed for Saginaw Valley State who loved his car and his friends like a typical teenager. In his obituary, the Cadillac News described Darin as having “a smile that would melt your heart.”

On his personal Web site, he wrote that his favorite thing was watching his big brother Dan play football. The idea that Darin is still watching him served as Dan’s inspiration his senior year at Central Michigan and will help carry him through any tough times he encounters his rookie year in Chicago . He wore an arm band with the words “Darin Lee” on his uniform last season.

“I think about it every day, but I’ve gotten past it the best I could,” Bazuin said. “All that I’ve gone through has shaped me as a leader. I have the opportunity to live my dreams and my brother won’t. Each day that gets a little easier to accept, but I still miss him.”

The Bears selected five players Sunday to cap a draft in which character factored into the process even more than in most years. It played no small part in why Bazuin, a 6-foot-3-inch, 265-pound overachieving defensive end with 33.5 career sacks against Mid-American Conference competition, jumped out of obscurity into the second round.

“I knew the type of person I was mirrored what they wanted in a player,” Bazuin said. “But I still was a little surprised.”

The perseverance the Bears valued so much was put to the test a month after Darin’s death last summer when Bazuin cut his big right toe. He considered it nothing out of the ordinary until an infection spread so badly that he had to be hospitalized for more than a week with sepsis. His temperature spiked at 105 degrees.

The setback caused Bazuin’s weight to dip 10 pounds below his ideal playing weight and initially jeopardized a senior season expected to provide a platform for the NFL. His sack total dropped from 16 as a junior to 10.5 as a senior, his tackles for lost yardage from 26.5 to 15. But he never offered excuses for tragedy or injury that occasionally made it hard to focus on football.

“He had his moments and we’ve all cried,” Janell Bazuin said. “It has been a tough year for Daniel. But he’s a very positive person whose attitude has changed my life.”

When Bazuin arrives Wednesday for next weekend’s mini-camp, he will bring a work ethic likely to make him an immediate fan favorite in Chicago . He grew up on the dairy farm operated by his parents, Ted and Janell, where the routine included milking cows and baling hay and waking before dawn.

Nicknamed “Buzz” by a college teammate who struggled pronouncing his last name, Bazuin started every game he played at CMU. He developed such lasting bonds that his former coach, Mike DeBoard, was the first person to text him after the selection, and he hadn’t coached Bazuin in three years.

The smile on Bazuin’s face as he accepted congratulations reminded his mom of a day when he was 5.

“Daniel came up to me and said, ‘Mom, is it OK if I don’t play pro baseball because I want to play pro football instead?’ ” Janell recalled. “We laughed at him, but since that day it’s been his dream.”

The Bears quietly made it reality for the lifetime Lions fan.

They didn’t invite Bazuin for a visit to Halas Hall, and defensive tackle appeared to be a bigger need because of the presence of ends Adewale Ogunleye, Mark Anderson, Israel Idonije and Alex Brown, who could be the odd man out. Lovie Smith went out of his way Sunday to point out the Bears’ history of playing rookies, the latest good signal for the guy who models his game after Grant Wistrom.

“If it creates good competition, the best man wins, so to speak,” general manager Jerry Angelo said. “We play a lot of defensive linemen on game day, so that will all sort itself out.”

Back in McBain, they are still sorting through the grief. But joyous days like Saturday help the Bazuins, who arranged the draft party at Bazuin’s uncle’s pole barn that was open to the community.

“We felt like we had to give back to the people for all they’ve done for Daniel,” Janell Bazuin said.

At one point, as the crowd swelled into the hundreds, Dan and his parents came to the same conclusion as their eyes met across the barn.

“Then,” Janell Bazuin said, “we all kind of looked at each other and said, ‘This is what Darin wanted.’ ”

dhaugh@tribune.com

 

Weaving Threads of Memory

April 10th, 2007 . by The Grief Blog

Hello,

We came across your website, and being both bereaved siblings, we 
would like to share our project with you. We are writing to tell you 
about Collecting Loss: Weaving Threads of Memory 
(www.collectingloss.com), a community arts project which involves 
collecting clothing that belonged to people who have died and 
collecting the story this clothing evokes from those who loved them. Read the rest of this entry »

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