Grief | Grieving | Death of a Child

We cannot expect others to understand how we feel after the death of a child, especially if they have never gone through it. Sometimes we get angry at how friends or relatives react and respond to us. They don’t know what to say or how to say it and often they say it wrong, not meaning to be cruel, but not knowing any better.

We have a choice. We can be bitter and resentful to others or we can help them understand and be part of our grief journey. What follows are what I call “10 Grief Lessons for Others.” By sharing these lessons with those close to you, a new level of understanding between you and others can help you down that long difficult road to recovery.

1. BE THERE FOR ME. If you are my friend, reach out, talk to me, hold my hand, hug me. Know that even though we may say we are all right, we will never be all right again.

2. WE ARE DIFFERENT. Understand that what has happened will change us forever and if you are my friend, you will accept me for what I have become, for who I am now, a person with different goals and different priorities. What was once important to me may no longer have any meaning.

3. BE A GOOD LISTENER. We want above all else to talk about our children. To us, they will always be alive in our hearts, and we don’t want others to forget them either. Don’t be afraid to mention their names in our conversations. They were real people at one time, even though they are no longer with us. They had hopes and dreams we’d still like to share with others. Please don’t pretend they never existed.

4. NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW I FEEL. We all grieve differently, even husbands and wives. Please don’t tell me you know how I feel. You don’t. Rather than asking me, “How are you feeling?” ask me “What are you feeling?” I can probably give you a more honest answer.

5. I MAY GRIEVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME. There is no set time limit to my grief. It may take me two years; it may take me five years. I have to do what is comfortable for me. Be patient. I will do the best I can in whatever amount of time it takes.

6. KEEP IN TOUCH. Call me once in a while. I promise to do the same. Invite me to lunch or to a movie. I will eventually go, because I will eventually feel better. Don’t give up on me and don’t forget me. I am trying to do the best I can right now.

7. I MAY CRY AT TIMES IN FRONT OF YOU. Please don’t be embarrassed, and I won’t be either. Besides being a natural emotion, crying is also a cleansing emotion. By crying I can relieve a lot of anger, frustration, guilt and stress. And best of all, I feel much better after a good cry.

8. I PUT A MASK ON FOR THE PUBLIC. Don’t assume just because I am functioning during the day that I am “over it.” I will never get “over it.” I try to function normally because I have no other choice. You should see me when the day is over, and I am in the privacy of my own home and free to let my emotions out. My day mask comes off and I am just a mother, aching for her child.

9. SOME DAYS MAY BE OVERWHELMING. The slightest thing can trigger a bad time. It can be a song, a place I go, a holiday, a wedding or even smells or sounds. If I break down and start crying or seem to be in another world, it is because I am thinking of my child and longing for what I will never have again.

10. LET ME DO WHATEVER MAKES ME HAPPY. Don’t think me strange if I want to go to the cemetery a lot, if I want to buy a brick in honor of my child in every new building in town, or if I want to try to get new laws passed to keep this world safe for our children. I may need to try different things before I find what will be right for me in my new life. Encourage me to reach for the stars.

We will never forget our children. The pain never leaves. It just softens a little with time. We eventually function again, feel hope again, find joy in our lives. It is a long road that we travel, but with the help of friends and relatives who understand a little of how we feel and what we are going through, perhaps that road will lead to new paths to enrich our lives in new ways we never dreamed were possible.

Dr. Coralease Ruff: What I always say to people about those feelings of regret, sometimes if you write a letter to them expressing those feelings of regret, at least sometimes that can help, because they do wish they had gone to the scene of the accident or gone to view the remains. Because just the loss itself, the death itself is stressful and then, of course, having those other regrets and feelings of guilt increases the stress.

Dr. Coralease Ruff: You’ve got that adrenalin flowing so you’re constantly in motion, your body is secreting all these stress hormones. You can’t eat. Some people overeat. Some can’t eat. You can’t sleep. Some can’t sleep. Some won’t want to do anything except sleep. You have chest pains. Your heart really does hurt. You can’t concentrate. You forget things. You’re sensitive to noise. Just all kinds of things do happen to you. I’ve heard all kinds of things that happen to people include premature graying of the hair, premature onset of menopause. All kinds of different issues. And those are all real things that do happen to people that I think is so important for people to understand that that’s all a part of grieving and that you’re not abnormal or unusual if that happens to you, but sleep. It’s very difficult to get to sleep as you said, Gloria. You may need to have some medication to help with the sleep. It is so important for relieving many of those symptoms that you have. Even it helps to elevate your mood. It helps with sleep. It even helps with the appetite problems or the eating problems.

Coralease Ruff: And speaking of stretching, just deep breathing. If you’re just sitting somewhere, and if you just breathe. Get some oxygen into your lungs and throughout your body, that is so important, and we don’t breathe deeply enough anyway under normal circumstances, and when we are overly stressed and doing acute grief, we tend to even hold our breath and we breathe more superficially.

Coralease Ruff: Drinking water, yes, because we forget. We don’t think about any of these things during grief because we’re in such horrible pain that things of this nature don’t even come into our awareness.

Coralease Ruff: The intake of water is so important. Other fluids as well, but certainly eating, trying to eat small meals rather than three regular meals. If we eat our favorite foods but avoid some of those sugary, highly spiced foods and those kinds of things. Usually around the time of a death, everybody brings in cakes and pies.

Coralease Ruff: I think one of the things that I’ve found many people most surprised about is the memory loss and the confusion.

Coralease Ruff: When I said to my son I was taking three months bereavement leave, he said, mom, I think I need some time off, too, and so I said, fine, but it was muddling through the best we could and you’re right. We forget about the children. We forget about the siblings that need the time off as well.

Coralease Ruff: A couple of things that are so important with this lack of concentration and all to be careful with things like driving. I have read someplace that driving during acute grief is as deadly as driving while intoxicated. Things like even household tasks. Preparing meals and all being careful about not leaving the burner on or things of that nature. People have almost set their house on fire. This lack of concentration and memory loss is something that is really, really serious and I think we don’t attribute it even to our grieving. Many parents have said to me, you know, I didn’t realize that as I explained why they are so forgetful. They said, you know, I never thought about that. I said, well you’re grieving. It’s normal during acute grief to have this memory loss, and so be careful with those kinds of things with sharp objects in the kitchen. Sharp knives and all. Be very, very careful with those.