If You Had One More Day

By Randah R. Hamadeh -

Daughter, if you had one more day
And the Lord allowed you to stay

I would have kept you in my arms
And kissed you more than a thousand times

I would have told you how you make me proud
And shouted” I LOVE YOU” out loud

I would have thanked you for every little thing
And the abundant joy, you used to bring

I would have told you how thoughtful you are
Watching over everyone from heaven, like a star

I would have apologized for causing you any dismay
While disciplining or during fun and play

I would have hugged you one more hug
And made your special tea in your favorite mug

I would have asked you to say “Mama” again and again
So that your voice gets embossed in my brain

I would have gone with you for one more ride
And bought you a special dress, that of a bride

I would have accompanied you to the places you’ll miss
Places you loved which witnessed your bliss

I would have gathered all your friends
To embrace you with happiness till the day ends

I would have baked your favorite apple pie
And pleaded to God to spare you and instead, I die

If only you had one more day
We could have said goodbye in a proper way

Randah R. Hamadeh, 2008, Copyright©
Written in loving memory of my daughter
Samar Ahmed Al Ansari (4/4/1988-4/9/2006)
(www.samaralansari.com)

Yesterday

By Lana Golembeski -

Yesterday you walked the links
Yesterday you smiled
Yesterday you laughed and loved
And now yesterday is gone

Yesterday you loved the world
Yesterday you loved me
Yesterday you lit up my life
And now yesterday is gone

Yesterday you slept in your bed
Yesterday you held your kitties
Yesterday you lived your life
And today now, you are gone

Today is nothing more than misery
Today my heart is broken wide
Today the tears stream down my cheeks
Today, you are nothing more than a memory

Today the sun refuses to shine
Today I find myself so lost
Today all I can do is think of the memories; of the yesterdays
Tomorrow will be a new day

Tomorrow brings new hope
Tomorrow brings the promises of joy
Tomorrow reminds me of my losses
Tomorrow brings me closer to you.

Yesterday is nothing more than a memory
A memory of happier times
A memory of you

How I long for yesterday.

Pink is The Color

By Shelli  Stuart -

Written for Haylee Mazzella who drowned at the tender age of 4…

Pink was the color God chose for His brush
when he lovingly painted Haylee’s sweet blush.
Pink was the color she always dressed in
Pink were her lips turned up in a grin
Pink were the ribbons tied in her hair
Pink was the color she so loved to wear
Pink was the color she loved very best
“The pink one!” she’d say
for every new dress
Head-to-toe pink wore this little girl
when her sweet little form would turn in a twirl
Pink was her heart with each little beat
Pink were ten toes upon her small feet
Pink was the color until that dark day
When dear little Haylee was taken away
The landscape has changed & the color is gone
Pink went away with Haylee’s last song
Pink is the color of presents and flowers
Placed on her grave in these lonely hours
But pink, without Haylee, just doesn’t look right
It’s missing what made it so lovely a sight
Instead of the pink, our eyes now see tears
Relentlessly falling for years upon years
Now pink is the color of longing and sorrow
We long to see Haylee on each new tomorrow
Pink is the color beheld with a sigh
As we cry “Dear Jesus, why’d she have to die??”
But wait, you might say; I see pink all the time
Your eyes are just different, so different from mine
Your eyes haven’t wept til the pink was erased
as they searched each new moment
for Haylee’s sweet face
One day the rainbow that shines from the sky
will bathe me in pink and open my eyes
For it will be time for my life here to end
And I know which Angel to greet me He’ll send
She’ll have wings of pink, all sparkling with glitter
Around me she’ll dance; around me she’ll flitter
The darkness then will leave my soul
Haylee’s pink will make me whole
But ’til I meet Haylee in Heaven one day
the color of life will always be gray.

COPING WITHOUT JOHN HERE

By Carol Kiparisus -

As I think back to the year 2003
So much pain, tears and missing
What emotions my heart, my life is experiencing

Never did I want to live my life out this way
If it was then I wanted to die
So many times I did ask God to take me

But he didn’t, I’m still here and he has been with me each day
Loving me, holding me, comforting me, strengthening me
Showing me step by step my new life now

My faith, trust and love for Jesus is stronger than ever
And without him I would have been gone
To my death by my hand

I was so broken and Jesus loved me like no other
He gave me his strength to move forward slowly
He gave me the words to write from my heart and the courage to reach out to
others

Jesus and his word is all that I need
Through him anything is possible
Working through many emotions is very difficult

The power of Jesus is truly amazing
He is my anchor, my rock and is always with me
I’ve lifted it all to him

A day doesn’t go by that I’m not thinking of John and thanking God
Everything about him I miss
Everything about him I love

Jesus will continue sending me what I need as I need it
He has given and shown me purpose in my life again
But it’s definitely not the same as before

Life does and has gone on and I will always speak his name
Every memory of John with me
He’s no longer in my sight, he’s still with me

I go to his resting place for quiet time
To be by the body that I once held and nurtured
It gives me comfort, Gods comfort

I had no idea what grief was all about until my son’s death
Very difficult work, very draining
But it’s all good, as John would say to me

I take one day at a time
My walk with Jesus has been amazing, still in awe
Sweeter than the day before

I believe I will always have my down days
I believe Jesus will get me through them
There is no other way

I give the praise and glory all to Jesus
Because without him
I am Nothing

copyright 2008 Carol Kiparisus

November 8 was #3

By Kim Perlmutter -

November 1st is today
The skies must know
why else are they gray?

November two is counting off 2 more days
More remembering our Toronto trip
Your last living days until we flew home in a zip

Yet to bring you closer home to CA with your dad
I shudder to think if this what would of been worse than sad -

You left us too soon and not sure yet why us
It will never make sense and it makes me just cuss

I go along my ways now better because I must
To honor myself and your life I entrust
It is my time to live now more than be sad
Happier Mommy of old bygone days is not to be had

Yet these gardens to create are now my place
Creating and designing an Inviting Space
For others we never even knew but now seem to hear
You’re really still close to me and watching me quite near

I Mother the Earth now, because it is just my way
And to remain in the fresh air and outside all day

Still finding signs where I least expect them to be
I might be distracted but they wake me up to see

We went away for the night and sat by the sea
Mommy & Daddy needed to try to just be
We wander about where you used to frolic all day
Chasing the Pacific surf and build sand castles and happily use to just play

We watched the waves crashing out loud
The seagulls were flying and making big sound
And sunsets full of colors and gasping in awe and amazement
Still so much glory to behold in spite of the horror and statement

November 8 is Anniversary #3….
How can it really even truly be?
You have been gone almost as long as you were here…

I love you to the moon and back -
Forever your mommy

Losing a child

By Lana Golembeski -

People cannot understand
The hell in which I live,
Each and every day.
In one moment, I had a child.
In the blink of an eye
She was gone.
I cannot comprehend death.
I try and try to understand,
But I cannot.
My heart is torn apart
Like a bomb has exploded inside,
The pain is more than I could have ever imagined.
We think we can protect our children.
And when we can’t
We blame ourselves.
The tears well up in my eyes,
Every moment of
Every day.
Alicia, where did you go?
Why did you leave?
Why couldn’t you have stayed
At least a little while longer?
Why did you leave me behind?
I search each and every day,
To find hope,
And to find joy again.
How can I when you are gone?
Someone please tell me how to do that!

Lost in the Masquerade

By Lana Golembeski -

Every day I put on my mask.
I smile and laugh.
I act like nothing is wrong;
Like nothing happened.
You can’t see the hole in my heart
The brokenness of my soul.
It is hidden behind the mask.
I am lost in a masquerade.

I play the game
No one knows the pain
I endure each and every day
With a smile plastered on my face.
The mask hides it all.
I am lost in a masquerade.

I listen to stories of
Children
Grandchildren
Dreams I will never have.
Smiling, laughing
Oohing and aahing at the beautiful pictures
Of their family
With a heart that will always be broken.
It will never heal.
As I continue to be
Lost in a masquerade.

My mask is growing old
And I am so tired of putting on that fake face.
But no one wants to truly be present in my life.
To do that requires that they
Go on beyond my mask and they join in my masquerade.
They will feel the pain of a loss beyond words;
A loss that no one should ever have.
They will feel the daggers in my heart and
The whispers in my ears of all my failures.
Their eyes will shed the tears that I shed every day.
And they will feel their heart shattered into thousands of pieces;
Knowing it will never be put back together like it was.
They will feel the emptiness and loneliness of
Being lost in a masquerade.

So tomorrow comes
And I put on my mask once again
And I pretend that everything is finally ok.
But is not ok.
It never will be ok.
I will forever be lost in my masquerade.

You Tumbled Short of Your Dreams

By Randah R. Hamadeh -

Daughter, you tumbled short of your dreams
Just like Daisy in the Great Gatsby it seems

Did you over dream precious child?
And your dream became unattainable and died?

And thus its attainability became very slim
An illusion replaced by a future that is so dim

I hear the recording of your warm sweet voice
I would play it all day long if I had the choice

You said “If only she would walk through the door!”
Words you had uttered not realizing what was in store

“Hope never dies” you also said
Where is the hope that one day I will see you wed?

And have three children to love and enjoy
The dream that would have filled us all with great joy

Your dream turned out like a castle in the sand
One blow and things went out of hand

And thus your dream did not become a re ality
Just as in the Great Gatsby, except it ended in a fatality

Now it is my turn dear daughter not to over dream
But patiently wait to see your lovely face again beam

As you stand to welcome me at heaven’s door
When my time comes to unite with you, the daughter I adore

Until then, you are alive in my heart loved one
Even though if everyone thinks that you are gone

Randah R. Hamadeh, 2008, Copyright©
Written in loving memory of my daughter
Samar Ahmed Al Ansari (4/4/1988-4/9/2006)
(www.samaralansari.com)

Those Who Know

By Georgia Cockerham, Brookings

The circle forms as each walks in.
First Tuesday of the month is here again.
We’re sorry for the reason each one is here,
But grateful we offer an understanding ear.

We say our name and that of our child.
Talk of circumstances beyond our control.
At first - so hard - to think – and  then - talk.
Don’t want to be here, want to turn back the clock.

In deep grief and raw pain all come seeking “Why?”
We all start off asking why our child had to die?
The answer, we learn, is not to be found.
So simple a question and yet so profound.

Inconceivable loss.  Why did we not know
That our child could be taken before we would go?
Now we sit here together.  We are “Those Who Know.”
Understanding your cry -  “How can it be so?”

Here you’ll find others among “Those Who Know.”
Navigating life broken -  we’re no longer whole.
As the amputee learns to get by without limb,
In this room we will help you start living again.

And you’ll learn that we’re different from others out there.
And far less in this world about which we now care.
Diminished capacity—much memory gone,
But we’re here to help you learn how to go on.

As years go by, Tuesday’s come and go.
From the loss of our child so many more we now know.
Steve, Janet, Michael, Brent, Mark and Ron.
Different ages, different causes, but all are now gone.

Zach, Jeremiah, Sarah, Ocean and Jess.
You all guide us in helping those new to this test.
In your memory each of us gives what we can.
Believing that, someday, we’ll hold you again.

First Tuesday comes round.  Circle forms again.
Newly bereaved parents in a fog, walk in.
We are living proof that you will survive.
We are “Those Who Know”—our children have died.

In memory of my son Zachary Owen Ward (4-21-76 to 5/25/03)
And all of the children remembered at TCF Brookings.
By Georgia Cockerham, Brookings, OR TCF Chapter Leader.

Holiday Decor

By Kim Hodne -

I walked through a shop today not expecting to see holiday décor
I tried to ignore all the Christmas trees and trinkets
But the Nutcrackers caught my eye
They were all lined up on display and seemed to beckon me to stop

The memories swept over me and I thought it best to turn and leave
But something held me there and I stood gazing for a while
I pictured you as a young boy of seven with a certain fascination
Of our one lone Nutcracker at Christmastime

Last year right before Christmas, I packed up your ornaments

and gave them to you in a silver box labeled Trevor’s ornaments
All the ones, which were your favorites
But you were mostly glad to receive the old Nutcracker
Which found a place on your apartment shelf.

I asked if you’d like to start a collection of them
Something we had never done
You smiled at that idea
I made a mental note for n ext year

As I stood in front of these Nutcrackers
This first season without you
I realized- I can still can give you one each year
In honor of you and the season you always loved

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