HEALING THE GRIEVING HEART
Pregnancy Loss and Death of a Child in Early Infancy
Host: Dr. Gloria Horsley
With guest: Susan Hawkes
September 1, 2005
G: Hello. I’m your host, Dr. Gloria Horsley. Welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart, the show that reminds you that there are no simple or quick solutions to dealing with the loss of a child. The topic of our show today is Pregnancy Loss and Death of a Child in Early Infancy. From the moment we discover we’ve conceived, the hopes and dreams and plans for that child begin to form in our minds and our hearts. We plan, we scheme, we worry, and we dream of what a new life growing inside us or our partner will bring. Some of us are crushed with disappointment early on with an ectopic pregnancy or a miscarriage, while others must deal with a stillbirth or an early infant death. When this happens, the nest is empty. Our dreams crushed. Some of us disenfranchise ourselves with the belief that we don’t have the right to grieve our loss. We hear society measuring our loss by saying they were young, she could have died, or it was a miscarriage. Those who have lost children in pregnancies want you to know that each of your losses are unique. They are not to be compared or measured. Your loss is your own and your journey of recovery is on your own time. We are here today to support you on that journey, to say we have made it and so can you. Somehow we must and will go on. Have faith, trust, and the belief that you will again find meaning, love and joy in your life. The heart will heal. It’s a matter of letting it happen. Healing the Grieving Heart is about nourishing the heart and removing the blocks that slow the miracle of renewal. You can love, open your heart again, and be happy. Please join us on this show, Pregnancy Loss and Death of a Child in Early Infancy, by calling our toll-free number 1-866-369-3742 with questions or comments regarding the losses in your life, or you can email me at gchorsley@aol.com. Well, today, I am very honored to have as my special guest Susan Hawkes, registered nurse, bereavement specialist who deals with parents who have suffered miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, and early infant death. Susan is a bereaved parent of Nicholas, a twin who died of congenital heart disease. Susan has also had multiple pregnancy losses. She comes to us from Los Angeles, California. Welcome, Susan.
S: Thank you, Gloria, it’s a pleasure to be here.
G: It’s great to have you on Healing the Grieving Heart. Could you share with our audience the story of some of your losses.
S: Sure. About nine years ago, we were expecting twins, our fourth and fifth children, and we were thoroughly excited and anticipating these little babies coming into our lives, and although they were a little early — they were born at 36 weeks — we were all home and doing well within a couple of days of their delivery. They were seen several times during the first two weeks just because they were a little small, and at the two-week well-baby check up, Nicholas, one of our babies, presented with a heart murmur. We found ourselves the next day at a cardiologist’s office and the following day at the neonatal intensive care unit where they had determined that Nicholas had a very complex congenital heart defect that was going to require surgery. We were then sent to Children’s Hospital in Los Angeles and he underwent surgery when he was 22 days old and everything seemed to have gone fine. We were sent home late that night. We needed to come home to our older children and our little twin, Ryan, who is our survivor. We got the phone call at about 1:00 in the morning saying that Nicholas had taken a turn for the worst and they were asking us to get there as soon as possible. By the time we had gotten there, he had had a massive heart attack and they had attempted CPR but they were not able to revive him and so we lost him at 23 days and we had the complex task of coming home and telling our children.
G: How old were your other children at that time?
S: At that time, they were 12, 8, 4, and our newborn, Ryan. So that was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was to tell those little kids who had had him home for two weeks that he was not going to be coming home with us. And then in addition, with a twin, you have this complex task of trying to maintain your happiness about this new little life that you have yet you have just left a baby who may have identically looked like this little baby in the hospital and you are going to bury him, and so Ryan’s infancy was interesting, to say the least.
G: Now, were you breastfeeding at the time?
S: I was.
G: I would imagine that would be really tough.
S: I had been breastfeeding every 2 to 3 hours for 2 weeks, two babies. As we talked to our pediatrician in the following weeks, just at regular well-baby check ups for Ryan, I asked them, “What do you find that people who successfully cope with a loss of a child do?” because we were just beside ourselves. She said, “Hands down, the people who cope the best are the people who attend support groups or get really quality grief counseling.” So I attended three different support groups, just one time each, and two of them were really pretty bad experiences.
G: Now how far out were you at this time?
S: Oh, let’s see, maybe four or five months before I actually attended a support group. But having a surviving baby, people just assumed that I had everything that I wanted. You have a baby. But they didn’t realize that we’d lost just the same thing they did. It was just that we had a surviving twin and so sometimes it’s a little isolating to have that surviving multiple if you’ve lost one of them because it’s the same thing when people say, “Well, you have surviving children. This must not be as bad for you.” Read the rest of this entry »
