Grief | Grieving | Death of a Child

Grief and grieving is inevitable because we choose to love. And it can be argued that it lingers on and on because we refuse to learn to love in separation and complete a primary task: acceptance of the loss and the many changes demanded.

However, there are a number of old beliefs that we have learned about grief from the authority figures in our lives that have a major impact on the length of time we grieve and the amount of unnecessary suffering we endure. For example, some people believe you must grieve for a year, grieve for the most part in silence after a couple of weeks, and eventually find closure (often interpreted as meaning forget about the deceased) and get on with your life.

Still there are several things in addition to questionable beliefs that tend to prolong and exacerbate the grief process that you can immediately change. Read the rest of this entry »

“May I help you?”
The answer is always “no, thank you”
And then I say I am fine
When in reality my words are nothing more than lies.My heart is so weary
Of trying to pretend I am feeling cheery.
Behind those laughing eyes
Lies pain on the face in whose falsehood lies.Broken heart and broken dreams
A false façade hides in those unheard screams.
Pain no one could ever imagine
Fights a fight that no one can ever win.

We all use our minds to try to understand why our children died. I am no different; when our son Keith died, I continued to ask that endless question—Why?

Throughout my pursuit for answers, my niece Juli and her son Cody helped me realize that maybe I was not looking at all possibilities—just maybe I would have to go beyond my own realm of understanding.

As Juli shared some of Cody’s spiritual experiences with me, I found it would take a child to help me break through the spiritual barriers that I, as an adult, had created.

Cody was only three years old when we had to deal with the first Christmas after Keith died. I knew I couldn’t cope with this normally festive holiday, and I wanted nothing more than to retreat into my bedroom—alone with my grief.  However, my daughters would be coming home for the holidays, and I had to make their Christmas filled with love—not tainted with my sadness.  How would I accomplish that?  I didn’t have a clue, but my answer would come through Cody. 

Cody knew I was very sad during the holidays, but he didn’t understand why.  His mother explained to him that I could not see Keith and I missed him. Cody said that maybe if he drew a picture of Keith, I could look at his drawing, and then I wouldn’t be so sad. Read the rest of this entry »

So as it often does, once again, how we manage our grief becomes a matter of choice. I remember Rich Edler once said, “We cannot change what happened, but we do have a choice what we do about it. Grief is inevitable. Misery is optional.”

So here are some of our choices.

We can choose whether that videotape plays tragic memories…
or a remembrance of all the good things in a life that was too short. Read the rest of this entry »

As many of you have been or are currently, I was consumed with the question WHY? I needed to make some sense out of these tragedies.

Why was Scott, a normal full term baby, only to experience difficulties during labor and expire after only 16 hours of life?

Why was Erin miscarried?

Why did the truck turn in front of Lance?

Why was Lance going too fast to stop?

Why wasn’t he going a little faster so he could have avoided the accident?

Why did this happen to us?

Why were we being punished? Read the rest of this entry »

I believe that early on, I reached an intellectual understanding that my wife and I were dealing with grief differently. When I was up, she was down. When I was down, she was up. When she needed company, I needed to be alone and vice-versa. I sort of knew that but it didn’t really sink in until a number of months down this road.

Most Friday nights we try to have dinner out. So on this particular Friday evening we’re in the middle of dinner and Kathy tells me that I don’t seem to talk about Lance as much as I did early on. It’s as if I am forgetting him and that is of considerable concern. Read the rest of this entry »

I went back to work a couple of weeks after Lance’s death.

I was very fortunate to have a caring and compassionate work environment. My partners and associates covered for me while I was off. When I returned they asked me how Kathy was doing. They spoke Lance’s name. They asked how his brothers, Bryan and Sean, were holding up. They talked about the accident. They offered any assistance my family needed.

I was back to work for a couple of months when one of my partners came into my office, closed the door and said, “We are very sad that Lance was killed and we expect that it is devastating for your family. However, we did not cause his death. You are very angry and you are taking that anger out on all of us. We would like for it to stop.” Read the rest of this entry »

NOTE: This is  the second in a series of six postings.

Three or four weeks after Lance’s funeral we received an information packet from The Compassionate Friends (TCF). When I came home Kathy told me about the information and how it was a support group for bereaved parents and how she wanted to go to a meeting.

I’m listening but honestly I’m thinking that this is the last thing I need. I don’t do support groups. Heck I don’t ask for directions when I driving, what makes you think I’m going to a support group meeting.

However, I know Kathy is in no shape to go alone so reluctantly I go. Read the rest of this entry »