Grief | Grieving | Death of a Child

Death is nothing at all….
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we are to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way you always used.
Put no difference in your tone;wear no forced solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be forever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should i be out of mind because i am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.
All is well.

It has been three years since the death of my daughter. Here is my personal story.

It was April 12, 2004 that I went into my daughter’s bedroom to wake her up for school and found her not breathing. My daughter was in the hospital for 10 days, on life support. The doctors were not sure why this seemingly healthy, 14 year old girl, would just stop breathing during the night. After a few days of running tests, a cardiologist was finally able to give us a diagnosis, Long QT syndrome.

What, what is Long QT Syndrome? What were the warning signs my daughter would have had? Why didn’t her pediatrician detect this problem at birth? Why, when I took her to the doctor for headaches, dizziness, feeling as though she were going to faint, why didn’t they request an EKG, or why didn’t I request it? Why, because I was unaware of this silent killer known as Long QT Syndrome. Read the rest of this entry »

Hi,

I lost a sister 30 years ago to cancer. I am now graduate student of social work helping children in clinical setting deal with trauma, grief, and developmental delays. I am writing a paper on “survival guilt” based on the movie “Ordinary People” which is about a teen male who loses a brother to a boating accident. B/C the teen witnessed the death he feels responsible and suffers from “survival guilt”. Would you happen to have any past radio shows on this topic? Please let me know. This info would help myself and my paper but the children I work with will truely benefit!

Thank You for this website and the amazing work that you do! I have friends who have taken Heidi’s class at Columbia and highly recommend her work!
Rachel

Dr. Heidi’s Response 

Dear Rachel:
I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your sister to cancer.  Our siblings remain forever in our hearts and in our memories.  We are the people we are today because we had our siblings in our lives, even if only for a short time.  Read the rest of this entry »

HEALING THE GRIEVING HEART
“Arson and the Death of a Twin Son”
Hosts:  Dr. Gloria Horsley and Dr. Heidi Horsley
With guest:  Gail Minger
November 29, 2007
G: Hello, I’m Dr. Gloria Horsley with my co-host
H: Dr. Heidi Horsley.
G: Each week, Heidi and I welcome you to Healing the Grieving Heart, a show of hope and conversation with those who’ve suffered the loss of a loved one and for healthcare professionals who work in this most difficult field.  And always the message is others have been there before you and made it, you can, too.  You do not need to walk alone.  If you’re listening to our Thursday live Internet show, please join Heidi and me on the show by calling our toll-free number, 1-866-472-5792, with questions or comments regarding the losses in your life.  These shows are archived on our blog, www.thegriefblog.com, as well as www.thecompassionatefriends.org websites.  All shows can be downloaded on iTunes and the transcripts can be accessed through our blog, www.thegriefblog.com.  Well, good morning, Heidi. Read the rest of this entry »

NOVEMBER 29, 2007 – ARSON AND THE DEATH OF A TWIN SON:  DR. GAIL MINGER.  Gail’s son, 19-year-old Michael, was killed in a fire at Murray State University in Kentucky in 1998.  One year later Gail met with the Governor of Kentucky and asked why universities were not required to comply with safety codes.  Finding his answers to be unacceptable, Gail decided to take action.  She felt that Michael’s death had been preventable and helped with legislation that changed the reporting of fire incidents and other crimes on college campuses.  It became landmark legislation known as the Michael Minger Act.  Gail does her work in Michael’s name as she can hear him say without hesitation, “Mom you need to do something to keep this from happening to others.” Read the rest of this entry »

I lost my grandson Braxton Tyler to SIDS when he was 7 weeks old. He passed on 12/21/03 and I still grieve to this day. I miss him just as much today and when he died. I wonder when will it get easier ?!? I dont talk about him much because people dont know how to handle a conversation such as a child who has passed. Most of the time I will just go to the cemetary and talk to him and cry - that seems to help me the most.

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Carla, Read the rest of this entry »

Thank you for hosting your radio show. It has helped my wife and I after the loss of our 19 year-old youngest son was killed in a traffic accident on 29 September 2007. We listen to past and present radio shows each evening. I never imagined there could be so much pain and suffering in the World until this tragedy struck our family. Why, is the unanswered question. Why did this happen? I can´t believe we lost this precious treasure, he was such a talented and loving son. He lost his future, his girlfriend and his best friend are so very traumatized.    Read the rest of this entry »

Anticipatory grief - a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event occurs - is a hard journey. Holidays make it even harder. At a time when you’re supposed to feel happy and joyful, you feel sad and anxious. You’re on pins and needles and wonder what will happen next.

Remember, your grief stems from love, and you may find comfort in that. Holidays don’t erase your reasons for feeling sad and lonely, according to the National Mental Health Association, and “there is room for these feelings to be present.” So accept your feelings and, if you feel like crying, go ahead and do it. Read the rest of this entry »

Have you forgotten all about your physical needs since the death of your loved one? Perhaps you have lost all interest in life. Are you afraid to focus your attention on anything other than the deceased, because you believe to do so means you are being disrespectful?

Forgetting the self and thinking that any form of enjoyment when grieving is wrong, causes millions of mourners unnecessary suffering. The beliefs that fuel these behaviors exist and are reinforced based on a lack of information about the nature of the grief process. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear friends of the blog,
Heidi and I want to wish you a thoughtful Thanksgiving.  For some of you it will be a more happy event than for others.  We want you to take care of yourself.  Don’t overdue.  Arrive a little later and give yourself permission to leave a little early.  Take a nap or a walk.  See a funny movie.  Listen to some special music.  Take a bubble bath.  Of course light a candle or put out a rose for your lost loved one.  Listen to Healing The Grieving Heart’s archived show.  Write an e-mail to an understanding friend or send a note and picture of your loved one to our blog.   The following is a picture and a note were sent to us from our friend Kim who is getting through another Thanksgiving without little Joseph.  We admire all of you and know it takes courage and faith.  Gloria & Heidi 

“TREE OF THANKS” - NOVEMBER 2004…..Leaves of Gratitude BY JOEY PERLMUTTER Age 3 ½  2001 – 2005)

We have to only look to our son to learn what we do have to be grateful for….blessings for us and perhaps an opportunity to have arts and crafts for mommy and make a tree of my own of what there is to be thankful for?
that smiley boy then
that smiley cloud now…???

This Thanksgiving feels more raw and sad than I remember last year.    It just seems like being in the cooking mode, anticipating Thanksgiving and trying to function more and cry less. The real world right now is constantly full of holiday cheer.  Music, aisles of displays and hustle bustle. If memory serves me, last year was still raw from the unveiling and reality of it feeling so hard another holiday was here.  Yesterday, I found this sweetest tree after remembering that my 3 old son Joey and I sat down one random afternoon  at the kitchen table and glued these foam leaves on one by one.  He made it with just a little help from me writing the words he told me to write.   Family, toys, friends, food, sun, bike, swing, and TV.
…Simplistic, yet not just innocence of youth.  The basics of how he was able to grasp what we were blessed with, utterly profound… Making me smile and cry all at once.
Kim Perlmutter, Joseph’s Mommy