Thursday, October 2, 2008 Serving Others in Honor of Our Daughters: Marrianne Dietzel and Linda Bergh and Writing to Heal the Loss of a Husband and Child: Dianne Rooks

Thursday, October 2, 2008 Serving Others in Honor of Our Daughters: Marrianne Dietzel and Linda Bergh and Writing to Heal the Loss of a Husband and Child: Dianne Rooks
Marianne Dietzel and Linda Bergh lost their teenage daughters, Nina and Kirsten, in a car accident in 1996.  Their mutual losses brought them through grief and gave them the desire to be of service to others suffering loss. Linda is the publisher of  She Would Draw Flowers\ a book of poetry by Kirsten Bergh. (See Grief Poems for  one of Kirsten’s poems, “For You, Papa.)

As a master storyteller, Diane Rooks found healing after the death of her husband and son in the stories that she heard and told. On this show Diane reveals how we can use our stories to repair even the most shattered lives. She is the author of Spinning Gold out of Straw: How Stories Heal.

What Does It Mean?

By Kristen Spexarth

Why do we say
committed suicide?
I mean, why not say she committed love
or he committed laughter?
Words uttered from mouths removed
having never tasted it
wreck a curious kind of havoc
in the heart of many survivors.

And the breach that causes such offense
along with the need to stigmatize
is it not more insult to our vanity,
more reminder of our frailty
than offense to humanity?

To die of affliction
like any ailing body
tattered, torn, on the brink
beyond finding any link
so wracked with pain
no option remains but we
in horror that life could so test
and terrified of who might be next
shrink away, heaping judgments
on all who’ve left
crossing a border, taboo.

And I ask you
when does one commit the act?
Just how do we read the walking dead
turning away from the fullness of longing
that signifies a life?
And how to view the random stuffing,
heady diversions, walls
we build around our hearts,
these various numbings we engage
hoping to soften the edge of pain
that is the human condition.

Kristen Spexarth © 2003

It has been a journey of discovery for me, these eight years since my son Colby’s death by suicide.  Part of this journey is documented in my book, Passing Reflections, a collection of poems in journal form written during the first nine months after he died.  The book also contains Colby’s writing as he struggled with severe and unremitting physical pain.  More about this book can be found at www.passingreflections.com , and the book will soon be available on-line at www.cafepress.com/spexarth .

It is my intention to reach out to people suffering loss, as well as to those who would serve them.  Too often in the aftermath of loss, especially suicide, other’s attempts to be helpful are actually hurtful.  By sharing my experience I hope those who grieve will feel less alone.  And hopefully, my sharing will assist those who don’t know how to help—giving them a vehicle for gaining an understanding of what it is to grieve traumatic loss.

My poem, What Does It Mean?, was written three years after Colby died.  Weary from hearing the phrase ‘committed suicide’ with all its implied judgment I wanted desperately to help people realize the pain they inflict on many survivors when it is uttered.  Some seem unaware of the power of their casually spoken remarks and so, it is my aspiration that we all awaken to greater understanding and thereby, compassion.

May it be of benefit.

kristen spexarth
August 18, 2008
Seattle

For You, Papa

By Kirsten Bergh

I thought I heard your footsteps
Running toward me,
Disturbing the stones.
But when I opened my eyes,
I saw it was only the waves,
Pulling and swirling like hands.

I thought I felt your smile
Warm and loving upon my face,
But when I opened my eyes
I saw it was only the sun
Beaming at me from across the water.

I thought I heard you whisper my name,
But when I opened my eyes,
I realized it was only the wind
Playing in my hair.

I thought I felt you
Softly kiss my cheek,
But when I opened my eyes,
I saw it was only a leaf
Caressing  me with gentle strokes.

And then I felt your love
In and around me.
Powerful, yet gentle like the waves.
Warm and shining like the sun,
Soft yet strong like the wind,
Tender and alive like the leaves,
And I didn’t even have to
Open my eyes
To know you were there.

Transplant Waiting List Nears 100,000

By Reg Green Very soon, the number of Americans waiting for a transplanted organ will reach 100,000. Every day, 18 of them die. These people — who need a heart or liver, kidney, lungs or pancreas — live perpetually on the edge, always aware of a winner-take-all race between their wasting disease and a cure over which they have no control. Normally, the cure can come from some other family’s willingness to donate an organ after that family’s loved one has just died. Twenty years ago, there were only 20,000 on the waiting list. In the most obvious sense, the ever-lengthening lines represent a failure to solve the problem. But in another sense, the growing list indicates how much transplantation techniques have improved in a few decades, causing a skyrocketing demand that has moved the procedure from science fiction to common therapy. Close to half a million people in the United States have had an organ transplant. Millions more have had a tissue transplant: skin, bone, corneas, heart valves, tendons. The sobering fact is that any one of us could need a new organ or tissue — and virtually every one of us could be a donor. Some recipients are people whose lives, though not threatened, are miserably constricted. Recipients may be in chronic pain, blind, suffering from severe burns and bent spines, unable to walk or pick up their children. Into their world comes transplantation like a lifeline. It is not simply the best cure. For most of them, it is the only cure. But it is not a cure-all in every case. As with any surgery, complications are possible; the powerful medications that recipients have to take so the body will not reject the new organ can have serious side effects. Even so, success rates have generally advanced year by year, and dramatically over the longer term. Results vary widely by organ but, for example, about 90 percent of heart patients are alive after one year, 75 percent after five years, and 55 percent after ten. Given that all these people were terminally ill, that many were close to death at the time of their operation, and that over the years, some proportion of them would have died from causes unrelated to their organ disease, the value of transplantation is readily apparent. Saying yes to donation produces on average three or four organs, saving three or four families from devastation. In many cases, one person donating tissue can help up to 50 other people. Most of us in our whole lives will never again have as great an opportunity to change the world for the better. To learn more about organ donation, and how you can help, visit the website set up in honor of our 7-year-old son, Nicholas, whose donated organs have meant life for so many others. The web address is http://www.nicholasgreen.org/.

Man Will Prevail

Editor’s Note: this is the poem read on Healing the Grieving Heart on 9/25/2008 by our guest, Sue Gilbert. It was written by her daughter who was killed in a van rollover.

Man Will Prevail
By Amanda Gilbert

Hear the tales of others
Take sorrow in their pain
Help them with their lives
Until they find their feet again

Lend them a shoulder to cry on
Hold them in their grief
Offer your love when needed
Give the world relief

Realize you don’t need everything
Give up something every day
Find some strength in pain
As you give yourself away

Nothing is so all important
That you can never live without
Others need it more than you
Make yourself  devout

Close you eyes and endure the terror
Realize it all will pass
Hold on to your hidden dreams
And see the future in the glass

Close your eyes to the darkness
The patience is within your soul
Its presence you can mark
For on the inside you are whole

Missing Or Missing Out

By Linda Morneau

It is at special times, a birthday, anniversary, or just the holiday season when the changes in our lives become like elephants in the room. We can’t seem to stop thinking about the loved ones who are missing from our lives. We are constantly dealing with how our lives have changed and how we are forced to live with the way things are. There is no magic wand to make things how we wish they would be. Read more

How Do We Get Through all the Holidays Coming Up?

My son just died suddenly on September 4, 2008. The family is talking about what we will do for the holidays, and I do not respond. I just cannot think of doing anything. I always loved this time of year, especially Halloween. But I cannot bring myself to go up into the attic for the many boxes of Halloween decorations. When I went to a fruit market yesterday, there were all kinds of fall decorations, but I could only glance at them and walk on by.

Perhaps it would help me to know how other people coped with the holidays so shortly after losing a child.

Peace and love,
Joanne

A Family’s Approach to The Etiquette of Being Thoughtful

The etiquette of being thoughtful
Last month my sister loss a baby; we were all very sad specially my mom, as we had dinner next day, we were discussing on how to help Lisa during this difficult times, we came up we many ideas but at the end the resolution was to Google our way out. We search and search is found too much information, now the question was: What was the proper family etiquette to be thoughtful without causing more harm?
You see; my sister had been trying to have a baby for over 4 years, so it was devastating; nevertheless, the first advice we took it from: the American pregnancy Org ( http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/ ) and we called the march of dimes to find emotional support 1-800-367-6630, They gave us a number for a local support group and advised us on making some type of memori al.
The second step we search for some type of memorial and found it on this blog: Trees Instead ( http://www.treesinstead.com/Miscarriage_Gift.html ), we had an acre of trees planted in memory of the infant, then we went to the Ocala National Forest where the trees where planted, we had a great day we prayed and had a a nice family hike in the woods (all 21 of us). Lisa was moved and I am sure she felt all our support.
Last step we got her and Michael (husband) a weekend stay in the Breakers hotel in Palm Beach, they went there last week and loved it. The grief is still there but with a family like ours everything will be ok. Know lets hope for a sign from God on what is the next step

Carol

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Carol,

What a wonderful family. Lisa is fortunate to have such love and support and, while there is such deep pain associated with the loss of a child, it is love and understanding such as  yours that will help bring her through it. Do remember that there is no time frame on grief and she will need a listening ear, an arm around her shoulders, and your loving support for some time to come.

We are posting your letter on The Grief Blog to share your wonderful ideas, compassionate attitude and family approach with with others who come to The Grief Blog for help.

Thank you and blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

How Do I Help a Grieving Relative?

Dear Grief Blog,

I have a relative who lost her 19 year old son six months ago in a motorcycle accident.

The two were extremely close and loved each other very much.

Some of the family are worried that she is having trouble coping. She seems to be having trouble letting go.

She has covered her entire house with enormous pictures of him in every room, effectively turning the entire house into a shrine.

She used to call his cell phone several times a day just to listen to his voice mail message. She tried to have his phone added to her plan and the phone company disconnected it, and she was in a panic trying to somehow record his message so she could keep listening to it.

She has his picture as her desktop wallpaper and says “Good Morning Sweetheart” to him every morning. She has conversations with his image and even yells at it at times.

She becomes belligerent t if anyone suggests she’s doing anything out of the ordinary or that perhaps she would benefit from some grief counseling.

Her other children are more or less left to cope on their own, but they seem to be doing well.

I know that everyone grieves in their own way and time, but her actions seem to be excessive.

Do we have any reason to worry? Should we try to get her some counseling?

Or should we just let her be. I’d hate to watch her wallow in grief for the remainder of her life, obsessing over her dead son, while her other children grow up right in front of her.

Thanx in advance for any and all help,

Ted.

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Ted,

We appreciate your concern for your relative and we hope we can  help you  find  ways  to assist and support her during this time.  Nothing prepares a mother to lose her son and no words can describe the depth of grief and pain a mother can feel. Six months is a very short time when it comes to such a loss and  those who have not experienced it often have difficulty understanding  it or knowing what to do. We are reminded of the  old Native American saying, “Don’t judge another until you have walked a mile in their moccasins.”

There are no solid rules on how to grieve or how to help someone who is grieving. There is no time frame for grieving and no right or wrong way to go about it - each person grieves in his or her own way and time. Quite honestly, the pain may never go away but a time will come when the suffering stops. Your relative is doing the best she can right now and what she probably needs the most is the support, love and understanding of  the family.

It is always appropriate to ask her what she needs and how you can help her best. Perhaps family members can help with the other children until some healing for her has taken place and she regains  some balance. Maybe she just needs someone to listen, to be there, to let her know you care. She needs some time to be gentle with herself and those around her need to be gentle with her as well.

There is a wonderful group called The Compassionate Friends that may be of help to her. It is composed of those who also have lost children, grandchildren and siblings and they help, support and comfort each other. You can find their chapter locations at http://www.thecompassionatefriends.org. When she is ready, encourage her to attend, and  you or another family member go with her so she doesn’t have to go alone. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact  your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation.  However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.  If groups are not for her we recommend that you reach out to her family, church, and friends for support.  We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.

She might also find help and comfort in our radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart,  that airs each Thursday morning. This Thursday’s show has two guests/topics: Healing the Soul and Living With the Death of a Child. You can get the show by going to the home page of The Grief Blog and clicking the headset in the upper right corner. She might also like to listen to some of our past shows dealing with the death of a child by going to our Radio Show Archives. If she does not know about The Grief Blog or Healing the Grieving Heart, you might let her know about them.

We hope this has answered some of your questions and given you some guidelines on how to help her. We will post your letter and our response on The Grief Blog, because there are many who, like you, want to help a loved one who is grieving. You might want to check back periodically to read the comments left by our readers who often have wonderful advice and support to offer.

We wish you will as you help her walk this path of grief.

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

Overcome Fear of Death For Living and Grieving

By Shelby Evans

Since the beginning of recorded history on this Earth, human beings have had to deal with the heartfelt sadness and grieving experienced with the process of dying and death. Even though as the quote goes, “The only things for certain in life are death and taxes”, many of us, in fact, most of us, have or have had fears or anxieties about death and dying. Read more

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