November 6, 2008 Remembering Our Siblings

Remembering our siblings -

1st Guest: Ruby Rose Fox was a bone marrow donor to her sister Dalia who died of Leukemia in 1992.  She is a Boston based actor, trained solo-performer, of “Little Legacy” a solo performance about a family’s journey through bereavement.

rubyfx@yahoo.com

2nd Guest:  Frank R. Lewis
Dr. Frank R. Lewis lost his brother  Dean, in an automobile accident in 1983. He led a sibling support group of The Compassionate Friends for 10 years and was a keynote speaker at Compassionate Friends National Conference in Nashville Tenesee where he is a Senior Pastor of the First Baptist Church.

To the Moon and Back

By Kim Perlmutter - (Note: this is a follow up to ” Topiaries and Teddy Bear Tea & Story Time” posted previously.)

Today’s Teddy Bear Tea Party was a memorable experience, that is worth sharing and writing about now. The day provided the first place for my precious Halloween memories after 3 harder years without my child here, to have a day to land somewhere new. Even if for just an hour, this was a gift in spite of the loss that the death of Joey who embodied Halloweens every month of October of his entire short, full life. It is still something that I can never fully comprehend he was a lion at age 6 mos., fire man & Big Bird age 2, Red Power Ranger age 3 and Buzz Light Year age 4 - for his respective years dressing up. His costumes remain here most of them are boxed up like the decorations not coming out again – yet he is not here to be choosing to be anything else ever again. And even if it is not denial that keeps me from reality that Joseph is gone forever, the pain is excruciating and easier to numb, dull or avoid most of the rest of the year.

In the present reality, the gift came from the new day waking up and being happy and excited to help throw this party today because of my dear friendship with Laura. Here at school, the decorations that magically fit in to the Reading Garden effortlessly, in record speed and time allotted. Somehow like I’d done this more than just today here in this area I am rarely even in now, let alone decorating it with pieces of my past that adorned our front or inside of home.

The pumpkin garland that usually is in the pillars in the dining room and living room was strung on the magnolia trees trunks. It’s looking like it had always been here not just an hour placement for the party. Then, adding the ghost garland across a couple of branches so the Dracula could dangle from here tempting any girl not to be scared of him and.the Black kitty on the wooden bench in front of trash can just like at the front of our house. The stuffed Halloween animals: brown squirrel holding the pumpkin, black kitty with stars and moon bandana, teddy bear holding a pumpkin wearing the Halloween t-shirt, and the purple bear holding the ghost reminding me of the tiny hands that loved to clutch and cuddle these exact toys. Each were sweetly propped on both tables at either ends looking quite adorable and cute reminding me of the 4 Halloweens Joseph was here for and loved to cuddle his Beanie Babies from Grandma Rosalie or me his mommy. The platters from Halloweens of yesteryears, using the funny spoons with pumpkins handles to serve the fruits, the plastic trays that had many snack time associations for sure and were useful and sentimental.

The cookie cutters made for great shapes of ghosts and pumpkins for cheese and turkey sandwiches. The scraps were Laura’s and my lunch as we make these for the party. We both giggled that we usually don’t eat white bread or processed cheese or turkey and how good kids food tastes. Pretty hilarious we both are picky grown up eaters!! When the kids came time to dig in, these were gobbled up first with the blueberry muffins before the store bought snacks of goldfish and grapes or strawberries and Mother’s tea cookies. I overheard Annabelle ask Laura if Kim made the muffins!  She recognized these immediately. Oh, the tea cups were a huge hit! The candy cups were a huge hit for using as tea cups - with no arguing and issues that anyone wanting another cup like their neighbor had.  No one was fighting, or requiring extra attention. Pretty remarkable actually.  And they loved getting to take them home after the party as a fun thing to keep and use again.

Annabelle and Charlotte were the first to arrive and hugged me innocently and warmly as if I was often at school now or the familiar connection is understood in context when no one else is near by wondering how we know each other as across the street neighbors. Laura knew I brought a few books and the one I did read aloud is the silly Halloween riddles. I probably cracked up more than they did but it was fascinating to witness the age group understand the actual puny message to the jokes.  This was profound knowing my 4 year old only understood a few of them.  They are more mature at ages 6 and 7 and 8 – especially the outgoing kids.

The party also included 2 moms that wanted to stay for the party and asked Laura if it was ok.  They did not know me and it was a powerful experience when they found out who I am after witnessing me with the 12 children here today. They asked me if I knew the reading garden was going to be on HGTV!  I giggled.  I said I did.  Eventually it made more sense to just go there. One mom came up and told me she was in awe at how amazing I am and many things after her realizing my son is dead.  The words poured from her heart the way no one can predict when a stranger does show up now and let a stranger begin to process what is gone for me, for us forever and what a gift this school has received from the devastating pain of my only son dying and not here where her child goes every day to school.  The genuine moist eyes were convincing, the heart felt words of comfort and validation how this garden is gorgeous and the love from a mother that is evident in each flower growing now here.  She got it.  When the party was over she also walked her daughter up to me and had her thank me personally.  Her eyes were still glossy from her own damp tears wept on our behalf. This was after she saw me putting one foot in front of the next creating precious memories with Laura at this tea party.

Another mom came to pick up her darling little 2nd grader and shared she knew who I am and wanted personally to say hello and hug me. She had much to say and share with me that she would love to get together sometime and share how much she had thought of my loss and held me in her thoughts.  Again, another not small moment that the universe was letting me hear how this audience is being a part of this loss in a not so subtle way anymore. The woman shared her feelings and thoughts openly in how she thought this garden is magical and an energy that carries us for all who come here. She had heard about Joey from Anne Marie.  Her older son is the age of her oldest daughters Francesca and Amy.  She has known about all of this and more from Justin and the library.  Another reminder to let me know that there are many mothers here that can imagine or have imagined and keep me in their prayers.

I loved the experience for sure even if it is certainly bittersweet. How can it not be?  The present Kim was happy to be here and choose this way to honor my life and this space now. The mommy Kim was aware how surreal this day felt around other young kids my sons age and his neighbors we know well and miss him often. How strange that no doubt a Tea Party is too girly, Mommy, if he was here! Yet the messages were loud and clear from these parents signing their children up and sharing a moment together when it is what it is now not then.

When this was over I went directly to Walgreens to pick up the hour photos I had dropped off earlier today.  This roll of topiaries now and Halloweens then mixed in one roll as if it was all present day….As I was about to leave, I had this urge. I dashed back to the aisle where the Beanie Babies are displayed with a powerful surge to search for a new one right now.  I saw a few that were ok, I almost got Scooby Doo, but it did not seem just right, so I kept looking.  Then - it was right. it is a white Ghost - his name is Vanish. His plush is covered in moons and stars….

GOD - I miss you sweet boy. I love you to the moon and back.

Forever your mommy

You WILL Survive the Holidays

By Kay Bevington –

Those first few holiday seasons after the death of child can cause the parents great pain. That was certainly the case for my husband and me after we lost our daughter Rhonda when she was 16. Here are some things that we did (and some that we didn’t) that helped us gain some pleasure from the holidays. It will never be the same without your child/children but you will learn to cope and reinvest in others and have a life again.

PLAN AHEAD

Think about and plan for these next few weeks.  Decide what you want to do and let those who are close to you know what you need.

CHANGE

Sometimes changing where and when holidays are celebrated helps. Perhaps your family would agree to have one gathering this year between the two holidays. Just because you’ve always hosted the gatherings at your house in the past does not mean it has to be the same. Inform your family that you’re unable to do this and tell them you will be having it at a restaurant this year or ask another family member to do it for you.  Often, we have found, the intensity of the pain lessens in a different environment.

HELP OTHERS

Some people decide to work in local food kitchens on these special days.  Many who have done this say it helped them focus on what they have and see that life is often more painful and difficult for others.  It also makes us feel so much better when we give of ourselves to others.

DECORATING

If you feel your home needs to be decorated for the holidays but you can not muster the courage or energy to do it, then ask a friend or family member to assist or do it for you.  You may want to consider decorating the gravesite instead or in addition to what you do at home.

ATTENDING SPECIAL EVENTS

Go to special events if you’d like to but inform your host or hostess that you may need to “escape” inconspicuously if you can not handle it.  Think about and look for others who are having a difficult time during the holidays and plan to attend or sit with them.  It helps to have someone nearby who truly understands.

ATTENDING WORSHP SERVICES

Often bereaved parents will say that music and worship services are the most difficult to attend after a child’s death.  We may be angry at God, and we most definitely feel cheated when other families seem to be intact and ours is not.  Loneliness and unfairness are our feelings and often cause despair.  If you are able to attend the annual services of your place of worship, you may want to sit near the aisle or at the back so you can have an easy escape route and not be “hemmed into the middle.”

REMEMBERING YOUR CHILD

You might want to purchase a special candle in memory of your child.  Light the candle daily from Thanksgiving through Christmas.  You also may want to take an item of your child’s clothing and have them cut and designed for a doll or bear.  Jewelry can be melted, redesigned and sized for others to wear.  Be creative and think of ways that you can use the belongings of your child to create something new that will help others to remember him or her.

Whether this is your first year of bereavement or if it has been several years since your child died you will find that you WILL survive the holidays  You can gain some small pleasures if you plan to include the memories of your child in your holidays.

Reach Kay Bevington at www.alivealone.org.

Topiaries and Teddy Bear Tea & Story Time

By Kim Perlmutter -

It’s the week of Halloween. Recalling last year vs. this year is huge shift. A gift to realize this is what time has provided as healing a lost identity and shattered hopes for even finding purpose in the present that was very lasting or meaningful. Last year in mid October - Morgan, my muralist friend had left the back house after using it for just a few weeks as her artist studio for a huge ceiling project she was hired to do. It was the most action our house or backyard had in almost 2 years at that point. To prepare for her needs, she emptied it completely to make room for her paints and panels. The light was ideal, the space just perfect for her to use for a small job for a short period of time. When she was completed 4 weeks later, she asked me what to bring back in and what to leave in the garage to get rid of.  This was huge in facing the memories up close.  When she moved out, the room was better than the way she had found it.  Now tidy, orderly, clear of clutter and sparkling clean. Our last conversation we had was she said her hope for me is to have this space be mine for something really special.  To use if for something wonderful and creative and to be open to what that will become over time.  It is a beautiful room, full of natural light and really a special space with definitely inviting positive energy.  Everyone comments when they come in to this space something out loud almost as soon as they enter. As I sit here and realize here it is a year later and it has become a studio again - now for Inviting Spaces by Kim’s topiaries designing and making my business life happen.  It is a wowser that Morgan opened this door up for my own growth by showing up. If she could see it now what would she say?

In between all the topiary designing, gathering of goodies for making  these incredible, one of a kind, unique living planters the cottage got cluttered unexpectedly. Today I organized and dusted, vacuumed and admired the room in its bounty and decorations laying around waiting to be adorned somewhere in the coming weeks. I’m so far only trying to make 4 or 5 at a time so not to have too many to worry about who will buy them. Yet the tangibles are important when the time to make more is prudent not to have to go round up all for only a few more. But as soon as people see them, almost everyone is buying and they want more than one! My wholesale supplier is now buying more topiaries because I purchased all of them!

It is amazing, mostly, almost everyone is thinking one to keep and one to give to someone else.  Just like I had expected!!! Each is time consuming and mind consuming in designing and making straight and all the spots filled in nicely and proportioned and not just basic. I am using my entire brain for creativity. Also the back and front yard, both of the wagons, and the actual back house for the production after the pot is planted. It feels really great to be immersed in the process and finalizing in the cottage and focused on this creative outlet for others to enjoy. Constructing these and putting my finishing touches on before ready for selling not always knowing who’s home it will be for at that point while making it. Fun either way!

Simultaneously this week, the school auction with one topiary and one container also had this idea of Laura’s.  It is the first item in the auction book titled Great Gatherings Great Auctions.  The first thing on the calendar since the auction was just last Saturday. “Join Laura Losier & Kim Perlmutter in the reading garden for story time, and an after school tea. Bring your teddy bear of favorite stuffed animal and gather with your school friends in the beautiful new garden. Hope you enjoy the very special story! Hostesses: Librarian Laura and Kim Perlmutter -October 29, 1:30 - 3 pm. It’s in the Reading Garden and it’s this Halloween week…a harder week to block out the loss and sadder me in spite of the fun I am having with the Inviting Spaces by Kim part of my  new daily living my own life now.

I planned to get and gather the items I was in charge of handling. Yesterday I went to Walgreens and discovered 50% off sale of all Halloween and Harvest.  It was perfect combination. I loaded up on paper napkins, table cloths, other funny things and the best is the cutest candy cups that will be perfect for using as the tiny tea cups. They are in adorable styles.  Ghost, Cat, Candy corn, Pumpkin and Bat.

Together Laura & I planned out the menu. Amazingly, Sunday afternoon it got me excited to think about what we can use for making this cute and fun and what I have around here from before when Joseph was alive or longer before when the girls were into Halloween. I perused the cupboards for cookie cutters to use for making the sandwiches. Ghost, cat, bat and pumpkin shapes will work perfectly well to cut Wonder bread and American cheese and turkey for them! We will make these on the library counter together. Time will tell how well this cuts out! I think just fine.

This afternoon I opened the Sterilite containers to peek and see what was a good decoration or book or toy to use for the Reading Garden.  I gathered together the stuffed animals that were my son’s from all his Halloween years.  There is many with history from a lot of friends or me or Grandma. The story books from long ago now, still can be dusted off and shared with this audience.  The decorations will be fabulous in the spaces to fill the area with cheerful voices and smiling children. I know 2 of the children are my neighbors, Charlotte and Annabelle. and their dad asked me if I can bring them home after the tea party. While making dinner, I quickly put together the blueberry muffins in haunted house mini papers and tried to imagine really hard my son alive helping me do this.  It has been a long time since we did this together.  It is harder to recall his helping me and him doing this almost all by himself except for my opening the can of blueberries.  He had mastered this recipe.  It has been a long time since I baked these. I called Laura to share the memories briefly out loud.  She is such a gift to me. She understands this better than I myself could of imagined.  She comforted me and then asked if there could be a couple topiaries for decorating the picnic tables for centerpieces.  I laughed! While wewere talking, Daddy came home from the gym and instantly knew what was baking in the oven.  He is happy and already asking how many can he have for breakfast.

The party has not even started and it has been one occasion that is providing a way to feel like noting I am honoring my life, my little boys life and all the children that we still touch in our own special ways.

Tonight is the night before this event.  I can hope for a magical tomorrow. It feels like it will be more than just another normal day. What will today bring Wednesday….and Truck 202 Kirk comes in the morning!
Kim Perlmutter

Lost in the Masquerade

By Lana Golembeski -

Every day I put on my mask.
I smile and laugh.
I act like nothing is wrong;
Like nothing happened.
You can’t see the hole in my heart
The brokenness of my soul.
It is hidden behind the mask.
I am lost in a masquerade.

I play the game
No one knows the pain
I endure each and every day
With a smile plastered on my face.
The mask hides it all.
I am lost in a masquerade.

I listen to stories of
Children
Grandchildren
Dreams I will never have.
Smiling, laughing
Oohing and aahing at the beautiful pictures
Of their family
With a heart that will always be broken.
It will never heal.
As I continue to be
Lost in a masquerade.

My mask is growing old
And I am so tired of putting on that fake face.
But no one wants to truly be present in my life.
To do that requires that they
Go on beyond my mask and they join in my masquerade.
They will feel the pain of a loss beyond words;
A loss that no one should ever have.
They will feel the daggers in my heart and
The whispers in my ears of all my failures.
Their eyes will shed the tears that I shed every day.
And they will feel their heart shattered into thousands of pieces;
Knowing it will never be put back together like it was.
They will feel the emptiness and loneliness of
Being lost in a masquerade.

So tomorrow comes
And I put on my mask once again
And I pretend that everything is finally ok.
But is not ok.
It never will be ok.
I will forever be lost in my masquerade.

Grief is Pure Emotion - Acceptance is the Path to Joy

By Patti Tillotson, Ph.D. -

A well-intentioned friend recently told me that life is what you make it when I shared I had been feeling down the past several weeks. I can appreciate this comment from an intellectual perspective, but something about the statement stuck in my throat. It was hard for me swallow the view that life is what we make it when grief had me in the grips of its stronghold.

Grief is pure emotion …raw, chaotic, agonizing, confusing, complex and downright piercing to the darkest depths of our soul. We can rationalize intellectually that we have the ability to make life what we want it to be, happy and joyful. However, when you are caught in the clutches of grief this is not possible.

Our emotions must be dealt with, to understand, accept and work through. This imparts meaning to the life of our loved one. To push on into the “good life” without processing our loss would be disrespectful to the person we lost. It dismisses their value. The terrible longing, yearning, hunger to have our loved one back with us keeps their memory alive and gives substance to their life. It means they were loved and connected to us through a common connection, an unbreakable bond.   Isn’t this what gives meaning to any life?

Emotions have their own incomprehensible logic. We cannot dismiss them. To do so would hurt the authenticity of our grief and the person who left us behind. So even though we may yearn for joy, we must accept our painful experiences of grief even when they are inconvenient for us and the life we want to live. Acceptance is the path to joy.

Patti Tillotson is a survivor! A survivor of her teenage daughter’s death by suicide. A survivor of breast cancer and a survivor of her own lifelong depression. She is a Ph.D. scientist by training and is currently dedicated to preventing suicide in teens. To raise money, she’s established a non-profit organization called StepsForSteph in honor of her daughter Stephanie. Visit her at http://StepsForSteph.com to learn more.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Patti_Tillotson,_Ph.D.

Going to the School Fair

By Kim Perlmutter -

In my new 2 month old business of Inviting Spaces by Kim, it was offered by Laura, the librarian and the wonderful 2nd grade and 4th grade teachers suggested that I could donate a few items to the elementary schools fund raiser; thru the annual Fall silent auction. This is an annual event and one that 3 years ago when Joey, my little 4 year old boy was alive, we went together as a family to be a part of the activities and carnival fun. Our neighbor friends across the street and other play mates in our play groups were all going to this annual neighborhood event. We knew lots of people that were around the school 3 years ago and chatted with familiar teachers that had Ken’s daughters and were so excited to see our son that would be starting school in the next year. He also looked like he was in 1st grade and fit right in and could pass for any elementary child.

This day 3 years ago was full of a tireless 4 year old - so happy and thrilled to be a part of the school he was going to attend.  The huge blow up slide was one of the many places. Joey was as focused and really as comfortable on as any child 3 or 4 years his senior. He never wanted to quit the slide until showing him to see all around here the other activities he could do besides the 20 foot blow up slide that was in the hot sun and he was sweating and so were we!

Eventually Joseph also tried the rock climbing wall. He was quite frustrated he could not master at his age even trying numerous minutes to get up to the top determined and not willing to quit.  I strongly reassured him (not easily I might add) that he was only 4 and would be able to master this some day, when he got stronger and just older, age appropriate reminding him this was for older boys and girls his senior. We did more of the carnival games deciding which was worth using his tickets Daddy had bought him. Then eventually had lemonade and cookies which he never finished because he had to dash off to another area and finally was ready to ride home on our bikes - he on 2 wheels and so proud of this recent amazing accomplishment. Again, looking like more a 6 year old, not 4.

Now fast forward, 3 years later. It made sense at this location to promote and advertise my skills and services to the school audience that mostly knew me as volunteering Kim in the library or a few with the Reading Garden working there or having not met me, but I was the volunteer gardening with 2nd graders and their kids told their parents about me.

In early September, right after school started, I created a large outdoor planter to use for this auction item full of intent this would grow and establish before this late October event.  A living beauty of gorgeous flowers and creativity with an obelisk standing tall in the center that is unique and will add interest as the flowers within are grown in and fill the space’s interior.  It is colors of blue, purple and red, needing full sun to thrive. It is stunning now and hard to part with the day of the silent auction. I did not even take a picture before delivering it with Ken’s help getting to school for its spot at the auction.

Additionally, I was asked by my neighbor across the street to host a class with anyone for a Hand’s On Container making in early December. She would gather her peers, start at my house and then she will host after the class a lunch at her house directly across the street.  I created a darling sample in Halloween for the table to represent a sample for the day of the class.

Pamela, the 2nd grade teacher came by to pick me up on her way to the auction. Ken & I had taken the big container over earlier before it had started.  I was nervous and not sure how I wanted to be if hanging around meeting people and putting a few referrals together. Could not ride my bike like I usually do….. Shaky footing here now as hundreds of children and parents are all over the school. Pamela stays close and introduces me to a mom whose son she’d had last year.  She is instantly promoting my new business and this mom shared her boss could use me and takes my brochure and business cards. I am excited and happy about this and feel grateful and a bit hopeful time will generate more clients.  Be patient.

More kids see my familiar face and we chat, It is great to be recognizing one another and catch up. As I scan the school yard, I recognize many parents that now know who I am and do not come up and say hello.  Their kids do though. One 5th grader walks right up to me and shares he still has and uses the book mark!! I am so speechless but grateful.

I am realizing I am not the person adults know what to say when they find out who I really am.  The reality as this mom who lost her only child. They can’t imagine it.  Seeing me makes them uncomfortable.  These people don’t want to imagine – .they want to be ok in their normal and not see anyone like me in their midst to trigger what would they do if their child died. I wish they could know it is comforting and healing and helps soothe this pain to be connected and have a purpose where I would of been an active parent volunteer and staunch support for the school.

When Pamela introduced me to one parent who has a child I adored and loved to garden with Kim - she spoke to me all about how I could have her son come over anytime.  A few minutes later she found out who I am by saying “oh you helped that mom who lost a child?”  No I replied, I am the mom She teared up, she got nervous and did what almost everyone does, try to squirm out of this moment. Iit was a minute or two when she saw another familiar face and did just that. She walked away.

Soon a few more of the graduated 5th graders were hugging me and buying me lemonade and cookies since I saw the long line for tickets and could not find the strength and patience to stand there alone. They had many tickets not being used and eagerly handed me tickets when offered to buy them off of them.  They fought over who would give me one and said “get a cookie too.”  We sipped lemonade, and cookies - we chatted about 6th grade, they put my phone number in their cells, we hugged goodbye and then I walked home fighting the tears the entire way wondering what I was thinking this was going to be like for me now –  a childless mother going to the school fair?

I am not able to be Kim at school now that is clear. Just where am I supposed to be is to be revealed.

Grief, Crazy Feelings, and the Single Parent

By Jayna Haney -

The grief cycle will make you think you are going crazy as a single parent.

One minute you are fine, and the next, you are so mad at your ex, you could spit.

One minute you feel great about the new beginnings in your life, and the next, you can feel the depression coming on.

As a single parent and in a stepfamily, sometimes my feelings and reactions felt out of control. I really did feel pretty good about how I was doing, and then some small trigger would come out of nowhere, and I would just feel- yes- flooded with feeling.

It wasn’t until my husband and I were teaching a course for single parents that I had an “ah hah” moment. The program talked about the fact that the grief cycle wasn’t linear. It was cyclical. You didn’t just go from Denial, to Anger to Bargaining to Depression to Acceptance to Hope. You might go through each of the stages but then you would swing back to the one that was giving you the most problem.

You know those people who are still mad umpteen years after their divorce? They probably got stuck in “anger”. Or the one who can’t seem to move forward, they may be in “depression”. Ideally though, as we move back to the feelings that give us the problem, we learn how to get through it. The swing from Acceptance back to something else gets shorter until our grief for the most part has been worked through.

How long does it take? It is different for everyone, but the most important thing is to be conscious of what is really going on with your feelings and understand that those feelings will pass.

I found that regular exercise was a great deterrent to having out of control feelings. When my body was tired, my emotions were tired.

Developing your faith is another part of single parenting, and one we will discuss in the next few weeks. Single parents need to know that there are many good things that will happen to them but they need to have the faith to hang on.

And my personal favorite for dealing with my crazy episodes. Talking to myself. Learning to talk to yourself in a positive manner works.

My stepfather loved to tell the story of the woman he saw in the grocery store with a screaming child in her cart. The woman was saying, “You’ll be fine. It’s okay. It will be over soon”. She just kept repeating these three sentences over and over again quietly to herself. My stepfather came up to her and told her about impressive it was that she kept her cool with her child. And she replied, “Oh, I wasn’t talking to her, I was talking to myself”.

And that is your practice for this week. Like all single parenting skills, it will work if you practice it.

Come up with two or three phrases that you can say to yourself when you recognize a reaction or one of those crazy grief cycles happening to you. Remind yourself how great you are, how strong you are, and that you will get through this time to a better one.

Yes, you are, and yes, you will.

Jayna Haney,

The Bridge Across for Stepfamilies and Single Parent Families

Check out our FREE Family Success Kit and learn more about Jayna and The Bridge Across at http://www.thebridgeacross.com

Jayna Haney works with single parents and stepfamilies to create satisfying lives and healthy families with programs, strategies and tools designed especially for them. Regardless of complicated situations, you can be centered and enjoy life even in the midst of the ups and downs. Single parent and stepfamily member, Jayna and her husband of 7 years, Mike, live in Houston and have a lot of fun with their four kids, ages 12 to 15.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jayna_Haney

Excerpt Judith O’Reilly’s new book Wife in the North

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

All My Sons

I love my children. All four of them: there is one I cannot hold. Not true. I hold him in my heart. I just cannot hold his hand in mine. He would be eight today.

Two days before he was due to be born, he stopped moving. I did the things you do, ate vanilla ice cream for which I had no appetite, climbed awkwardly into a hot bath, dribbled water onto my still belly, fell silent, thought: “Fuck and buggery.” My husband drove me to hospital. I spoke. ”I’m sur e it’s fine, but I can’t feel the baby move.” The midwife took me in, laid me down, wired me up, turned off the light. She cold gelled and swept the veined mound with ultrasound. I thought: “Now’s the time to wave, baby.” No wave. She could not find a pulsing beat in the grainy black and white. I thought: “I shan’t ask for a picture then this time.” She said: “I’m going to get someone else to have a look.” I thought: “That’s not what you’d call a good sign,” as the door shush closed behind her. A brief pause before an older woman came in. Kind. Experienced with bad news. Sweep and look again to find death, tragedy, horror, and desolation. She leant in towards me, said her prayers for the dead: “I am very sorry to have to tell you . . . ” My husband and I clung together as if our world had ended. Our world had ended. I can tell you the exact sound a heart makes when it breaks. It sounds like a wolf. Both of us heard it. < br />
If you have a stillbirth, they do not cut you up, rip out the babe, sew you up, and send you away, almost whole again. Lick Split. Instead, they say, “Don’t swallow this,” and hand you a torpedo; connect you to a drip and “start you off.” They say: “This isn’t going to hurt,” and lie. “We’ll break your waters,” and take up a crochet hook but not to make a table mat. “Let’s give you morphine. Usually, we don’t do this.” The morphine helps but not enough. “Not long now” and “Push” and “Stop” and sixty hours later: “Well done,” and you see how your life could have been.

My baby boy was beautiful. These babies often are. My baby boy was dead. Stillbirth can be like that. Lying on a paper blanket, the bones in his skull all pushed around, misshapen. The dead, they do decay. Yet, when I felt his head push out from me, he had felt wet, warm, and wonderful. Don’t look now . The skin, already flayed from his neck, came off at a too tender touch. I do not know the colour of his eyes but his fingers, tips tinted in scarlet, folded to hold my finger. The first and last time I held his hand in mine. My hand splayed on his chest, his, left hand curled round my little finger; my thumb tucked in the other. I felt along the romper for his feet, the curve of his calf, the better to remember his body. We had time with him, but not enough; I kissed his rosebud mouth, but not enough; I showered him in tears, too many.

I know how death smells. We lit candles in tins. One for vitality. It did not work. We took endless photos of a subject who never moved. As my husband slept for an hour through the London night, I sat with my baby, told him about Christmas and birthdays and jungle animals and Northumberland which his father loved and where we holidayed each New Year. I swear he heard me. Then the smell got too much and we buried him. I have the b ill yet. Keepsakes are hard to come by when a baby dies.

Supply of a small white coffin and transport:

• Fee: £150
• Extra mileage: £80
• Gravediggers: £60

They were toothless. The gravediggers, standing too close and anxious to get on with the job, leaning on their spades as we buried our future. In his coffin we put a teddy bear. (Cruel of us to bury a teddy), photo of a kiss, crucifix (I have its mate), tulip, and a letter. Hardly room in there for the baby. We printed the letter on the order of service for the funeral. It said: “We knew you before you were born and we wouldn’t have missed a moment of our time together as a family. Wherever we go in life, you will be with us and part of us. You will always be the little blond-haired boy running alongside us on a Northumberland beach and the sound of your laughter will always fill our home. ”

No reason lor the death. As the hospital report said: “No malformations or obvious infection.” Often the way. His heart weighed 19g. Not a heavy heart. Mine weighed more. No medic in rubbered hands can weigh a mother’s love though. The fact my husband touches me reminds me not to die and he pulls me through the anguish of the days and nights and days. And we whisper a promise to each other that we will not compromise; we will think differently; do what it takes to strive for happiness together.

From the book Wife in the North by Judith O’Reilly. Reprinted by arrangement with PublicAffairs (www.publicaffairsbooks.com), a member of the Perseus Books Group. Copyright © 2008.

The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

The above is an excerpt from the book Wife in the North
by Judith O’Reilly
Publi shed by PublicAffairs; August 2008;$14.95US; 978-1-58648-639-6
Copyright © 2008 Judith O’Reilly

Author Bio
Judith O’Reilly was the education correspondent for The Sunday Times of London, where she also reported on politics and news, and worked undercover on education, social, and criminal justice investigations. She is a former political producer for ITV’s Channel 4 News and BBC2’s Newsnight. A freelance journalist, she started her blog, www.wifeinthenorth.com in 2006. She lives in England.

Take Part in Child Bereavement Research (for Parents)

As you may have heard on “Healing the Grieving Heart”, a new child bereavement study is being conducted by a doctoral student at Seattle Pacific University. This study investigates the positive and negative personal and relationship outcomes of parents who have lost a child based on questions about you, your present relationship with your partner, your social support following your loss, and your personal experiences following your loss. If you have lost a child, you are invited to participate in this 20 minute survey. Participate is confidential, and you may change your mind at any time.

If you think you would like to participate, please go to www.lossresearch.webs.com. Or, if you have any questions or would prefer the questionnaires be sent to you, please contact Hillary Van Horn by phone at 1-530-902-4562 or by email at hvanhorn@coh.org.

Thank you for your time and consideration.”

THANK YOU AGAIN!!

Hillary Van Horn-Gatlin

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