The Widow’s Guide – Surviving the Loss of a Mate
By Jane Costello
Life after a death. Tools for surviving the loss of a mate. Short and simple steps that help redefine who you are.
W = Was- Life as you knew it, Isn’t anymore. Your job, Like it or not, Is to remake it.
I = Independent – I was independent before but that was because I knew I had backup at home at the end of the day. Now you must be independent on your own and be your own backup. No negative self talk. You can’t afford it!
D = Determination, Details, Do it! Death has nothing to do with your life now. It’s how you got here but “Let it Go”!
O = Ownership of your own life. If you are too into yourself, It is time to give to others. You are what you make yourself to be. Cut yourself some slack. This is probably the hardest job of your life.
W = Winner! “Winners know a goal is only as worthy as the effort that’s required to achieve it. Winners make the world a better place.” (Nancye Sims’ Poem, “Be A Winner”.) Recommended reading.
Here are some more tips that will help you function in survival mode.
Maintain face to face contact with people every day.
Select a support group that has your best interests in mind. There are those who mean well but because of their own issues, drag you down. (Be careful, you are vulnerable)
Listen to your higher power or gut when making decisions.
Succeeding is living each day. Pat yourself on the back until your arm hurts.
Respect your feelings. Get your feelings out so you can look at them. Never ignore or stuff them away. Get them out or they will fester.
I’ve been a widow for eight years and I still have to work at it every day. Know that you are not alone and together we will continue to grow stronger.
Jane Costello is a freelance writer, artist, and Motivator. If you wish to contact Jane, visit her site at http://www.wallsthatspeak.com
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This is a wonderful post. I am a widow of four years and many days I’m great, loving life, and then you get a little bit of oh, something hits again. But we do have to keep living, keep moving forward. elaine
I lost my husband in July 2007 and am slowly getting on with life. It has been a hard rough journey that I would rather not have had to make but I get there one day at a time. Most days now I am ok but every now and then some little thing will trigger the pain again. I can cope with it now and know that I can do this now.
I am stronger that I thought I was.
Jill
I agree this is a beautiful post! any words of building our strength slowly again helps! My husband went to Heaven on May 30,2008 he was 43 I am 41…… even though 5 months have gone by I feel frozen in time I feel it happened just yesterday! My heart is aching even more because it was never this long in seeing the one you love.. your true best friend in life! we were married 20 years and I feel proud to say our wedding vows did say till Death do us part… I love the post because I am trying so hard to be the strong woman I used to be .. yes vulnerable is right of what we become…Our pain takes over our pain makes us live just another day without him and YES the morning hurts alot to know he is no longer here.. I have been blessed to find this blog because believe me no words that any human being has told me comforts me I believe only in the women that have lived this heartache! I have felt comfort in my Faith in GOD talking to him and amazed how I have learned to hold my tears back even though my heart is crying every second of my heartbeats! THANK YOU ALL for sharing your experiences if it was’nt for these stories I was doubting if all this is normal!!
Hi:
I am encouraged to hear your stories and yes, it is a comfort to know there are others among us who feel a “great sadness” over our lives after the death of a loved one….I was introduced to grief group that was wonderful in helping me begin to process my husband’s loss. You can find it onlne griefshare.org it is nationwide a 13 week program with DVD’s for only about $10.00 for the workbook. I was quiet unprepared to hear so many stories of grief but at the same time I found a comfort and healing begin to pour of each of us as we met weekly. This is all I have to give this Christmas season….hope to process.
His Handmaiden,
Voni
One Year.
Tomorrow is the 1st. ann. of my husband ,my best friend’s death.
I made it.
Thank you for this post. Today is exactly one month since my husband, best friend & soul mate has left this physical world. I know the road ahead has been tough… but finding this blog is a huge blessing. Thank you again… May God continue to give us all strength to continue seeing this world for both us and our husbands.
I lost my husband , best friend and father of our 3 yr old son only 2 weeks ago today . I thought I was doing good we talked about his passing how he wanted everything to go . I made sure everything was what he wished. No sad music lots of pictures of his family and us . A celebration of his life.
I was handling everything just fine until I got his death certificate today . I broke down crying shaking I just wanted to run and hide from everything . Until my now 4 yr old took my face and said mommy I love you and we OK now.. That little boys voice and face looked like an angel to me.
Just those few words helped me in ao many ways. I know now we will be just fine.
I am so glad I found this site .
I just found this site and it’s very helpful. I lost the love of my life April 30, 2007. After reading the comments I find I’m not the only one that still feels the pain of loss. Thursday will be 2 years and it still feels like yesterday that I lost him. I have been able to continue alone and find a real comfort in being able to do the things that have to be done knowing his spirit lives on. We always had the his/her jobs around the house and yard, learning to do his chores brings a real feeling of his closeness to me, especially when I don’t know how to do something. I just say “Mike help me do this” and things just seem to come together, that really helps me feel his spirit. If I can do it we all can because we are stronger than we ever thought!
Hi girls,
I actually found this article unhelpful – 2 months after losing mu partner, platitudes like rebuild your life read like a nike advert and appear insensitive.
The 10 things every widow should know article was great though
Thank you to all you strong women. My beloved husband died July 15th, 2008 and after 9months and 20 days I find that the loneliness is at times overwhelming. I still struggle with not only the death but the trauma of the cancer journey for the 16 months of his suffering.
I know intellectually that things will get better and things will someday have joy again but the joy I used to share with him is gone and I have been unable to fill it with anything, not adult children, work,school, friends,or solitude. I know that I am doing somewhat better as I no longer cry everyday but there is not one single day that he is not in my thoughts and heart.
I have great faith in God and know that he has laid before me a new journey and I am hopeful that I can meet the challenge with strength and dignity.
I lost my husband october 20 2009. I feel so lost. We were married 15 yrs. He was my soulmate and friend.I found him in bed, he had a heart attact while sleeping. We worked at the same place. It is a really hard time in my life right now and it feels good to hear some of your stories. It lets me really know Im not alone.
d
It will be one year 5/29/09. I cope for my family and friends. But inside, the pain and despair is often overwhelming. I have pushed myself out of the house and joined some classes and taken some trips. I am truly grateful for what I have, especially beautiful grandchildren. I know my husband would want me to make the most of each day, as he always did. But, forty years of companionship and love cannot be replaced by platitudes. Joy has gone out of my life and I long to find him again so I can feel normal again. I guess I thought if I were a good little widow and did all the right things, the Good Fairy would wave a magic wand and awaken me from this nightmare. But every day, it is still true. He is gone.
I wish you all comfort and some kind of inner peace. Only we who walk this path can really understand. The price for a truly great relationship is truly great sorrow when you are separated. It is a life-threatening wound.
This comment is directed to Mrs. Phrogg along with the other widows in our club that no woman wants to be a member of. Your last sentence really hit home. I lost my husband, love, buddy on June 25, 2007, unexpectedly we were short of reaching our 18th Anniversary and his 50th birthday. I don’t feel I took enough time off work after the funeral. I don’t know how to get out of this rut though the new friends I’ve met say I’m stronger. Life is just so overwhelming. I just turned 58 last week and we always made a big deal of each other’s birthdays. I know I’m rambling, sorry. I have a job that I’m grateful for during these times of uncertainty but I’m miserable here. The women I work with feel that it’s been almost 2 years and I should be happy, there’s no magic date. Going home to an huge empty house, only the cats are waiting and I won’t get that what’s for dinner call. I no longer have the motivation to clean, work in the yard or enjoy our dream home I just want to crawl in bed and never get out. I miss him so much. I miss what we had. I miss him warming my feet and even his snoring. I was blessed to come across a beautiful grief group in 07 and we’ve become close friends. Had it not been for them (I had little or no family support) I don’t know where I’d be, I even went to therapy and that was no help. Being with the ladies that had lost their spoused was the most comfort. I just wonder if this is all there’s going to be for the rest of my life.Sorry, for being so long with this, guess I needed to write this out. To better days.
I lost my husband June 17, 2009. He was 27 and I’m 25. We had three children together. Their ages are 8, 4, and 3. Come to find out he had a brain tumor. We had no idea that it was there and his death was sudden. I feel as though I didn’t have the chance to tell him “Good Bye” or that “I love him”. He was my soul mate and best friend in the whole world. Each day it seems to get harder and harder to get out of bed. If it wasn’t for my children I don’t think I would be able to go on. There is so much that needs to be done and it is so overwhelming. I was so use to being with my husband and doing everything together. Now I feel as though my heart is empty and I’m alone. The nights are the hardest because that was our time to talk and now it’s gone. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able make it through this. I feel as though I was cheated and didn’t have enough time with my husband – and the children not having enough time with their father. My children are having a hard time with this as well. Does anyone have any suggestions?
I have been wondering why I seem to be in tears all day today. And then it hit me…It has been exactly 2 months since I lost my husband, my soul mate and my anchor. He used to tell me that he would have died long before he did if I hadn’t been there to take care of him, go to his dr appointments with him, ask the doctors the hard hitting questions that needed to be asked, controlled his medication since he had trouble remembering if he had taken it, took care of the bills, and worked full time so we would have health insurance to cover his illness. I even learned to ride motorcycles with him so he wouldn’t be riding alone, my whole life was tied up in him…..Now what do I have??? I have work still but its getting harder and harder to handle…I have our dog Biker Buddy who is still missing him too….I am lost now without my anchor, I can’t concentrate or focus much of the time….He died on May 13, 2009 (actually May 12th at 11 pm but it took that long for hospice to come and pronounce him dead) He would have had 12 years sober on the 29th of May…missed that celebration…he would have been 50 on the 8th of June….missed that celebration also….we would have been married 8 years on the 6th of July and I really miss that! Be it slow or sudden I don’t think that anyone is ever ready for death when it happens. I am so lost and alone today….maybe I shouldn’t have taken some vacation from work this week….didn’t even realize the date significance until now…just know all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry my eyes out……
It has been almost 5 weeks since my soulmate died (June 19, 2009). I have been going through a really rough period the last few days. All I want to do is cry. We have a beautiful little girl, almost 6 months old, and I just keep thinking about all those special moments they should have had together. Our 10th Anniversary is coming up on July 28, and I need to figure out how I am going to deal with that. I am getting a pewter clock with an inscription, but beyond that…. We had actually been together for 20 years, really half of our lives. I miss him so much, and I miss all the wonderful times that should have been ours.
Thankfully, I have several people I can call up when I need a shoulder to cry on. I do not know how I could get on without them. So many of the stories I have read really hit home. It really helps to read them all.
My husband died in May,2009. We would have celebrated our 32nd Anniversary on July 29th. The last couple of weeks have been really rough. It all came back to hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I just want things to go back to the way they were. I really don’t like this new life. Last week I felt so angry. Not at him for leaving me because he fought like hell, just at the whole situation. This summer is going by in a blur. We would have done so many things together. We spent so much time outdoors in nature. I can barely sit out in our yard. We did that almost every day. Without him, it just feels too lonely. I don’t know where this is all going, but can only hope to find more meaning in my life. Support groups help somewhat, but to a point. Sometimes it feels like he has been gone so long how could it only be 2mths? Sometimes I wonder if I can deal with it, like there is no point. No, I never think of hurting myself. I just wonder what is to become of me down the road. I never planned on this happening so soon in our lives. I have a lot of people I can rely on but you can still feel so alone because the one person you long for is no longer here and never will be.It’s such an empty feeling.
Dear Ladies,
I just had the one year anniversary of my husbands death and find that I still have emotional break downs at unusual times. I find myself having panic attacks at the thought of going to group activities and seeing people that knew my husband and who want to see me because it has been one year. I still have days when I know that I will never be the same. I am different now because of him. He made me a better person, and mother. I miss him daily still.
This is a lonely road and the pain of it can not be described to anyone unless they have lost the love of thier life.
I haven’t done this before. My husband and my life died on July 11, 2009 @ 6:47 pm. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to think. He had a massive heart attack on July 5. I don’t know CPR and he was only 42. We didn’t know he had a heart problem. I tried to get help but they couldn’t find me. It took too long to get help and he never looked at me again.
I don’t know how to cope or what to do. We were together for 7 years, but I never lived till I knew him. I don’t work and we had no insurance. How do I do this???
I have friends who try to help, but I am living their worst nightmare and mine. They are afraid of me in a way. I try to be strong, but there’s nothing left in me. I feel alone and isolated even when I’m not.
Today is 19 days since I lost the most important person in the world. I have spent the last 3 years caring for him and I thought I would be prepared for his death. Now I am lost. I have nothing left and I don’t know how to survive this. I miss him so much and I can’t see the end of my pain. I always thought I was a strong person, but this is more than I can deal with. How does anyone live through losing the love of their life?
Oh, God==I’m just too depressed and scared to leave my house today. Les left on May 4, 09 and at first I was so strong and confident I would get through this that everyone was so impressed and told me I was so strong and I was, but after cleaning the house until it looked ready for a photo shoot in one of those glossy catalogs, then buy ing a car after not driving for ten years because he always took me everywhere, and bathing the cats with a friend instead of him and then poof I caved. Oh, I also have MS and he was my caretaker, so now I have to brave that up, too. One of my conditions has been triggered by the stress and the pain is insurmountable. Do I sound like the punching bag I feel like?
Saw a movie where the main character talked about telling close friends about his depression which seemed to drive those friends away instead of giving help when it was most needed. Ah, huh-my phone is pretty damn silent now, too.
Tomorrow is one month and I still feel as bad, no, worse than when it happened. I thought it would get better with time, not worse. I don’t want to go anywhere and I don’t want to be alone. I have to go out and get a job to support myself and I can’t even make sure that I eat, sleep or bathe. I don’t know what I’
m going to do. I have to snap out of this or I will be in BIG trouble. I can’t miss any more house payments and he was sick for such a long time that he never qualified for any life insurance. Life stinks after this.
I have just found this website. I am a widower who lost my soul mate on the 18th June 09 we were together for 54 years. I thought that ladies would be better to cope with it than the males but it appears not . The pain and sadness that we suffer is indescribably and until you have experienced you will never know. I talk to Edith all the time and cry a lot, I don’t think that I will ever get over it.
In just a few days it will be 3 months that my husband passed away. And my life is just so lonely, i find myself crying all the time.. I know i need to go out and find a job, You see i took care of him for 2 years after he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. But i just can’t get it togehter, our 5th year anniversary is coming up now in october i don’t know if i will be able to handle that one.. Life sucks right now and probably for the rest of my life ithout him.. So to all of u that are going through this i know the feeling, u will all be in my prayers…
Well reading all of these comments is strangely cathartic. It has been 11 months and 1 day since I lost my darling and it seems to me to be getting harder to get through each day instead of easier. I guess I had in my mind that if I could make it through the first year I would have it made emotionally but that arbitrary, self-proclaimed time line seems very meaningless to me now as I approach it. My husband died after a ten year illness during which I was his caregiver – I thought I was totally prepared for the inevitable outcome – turns out you cannot be prepared – I miss his voice, his smell, his touch, his smile, the warmth next to me in the bed, his laugh, his humor, his insights into other people, his take on life, his ability to size up a situation, his ability to make me see the good side of everything, and most of all the way he completed me. I like my job, i have good friends, my daughters are a delight – there is just no joy left in my life and I do not see that ever changing. I guess the next challenge is to learn to live a life without joy – especially difficult since my life with him was filled with joy.
I am glad I found this web site last night,I lost my husband on Oct.17,2009
he was my hole life we were together 24 hours a day aand loved it.He was my everyhting.I hate to go home after work,and I work 7 days a week to stay busy.
My crying comes more each day at work,home, driving ,talking on phone.
All I can thank of is I want to be with him,i miss him so much everywhere I look
I see us being there before ,I do not eat out because Iam alone felling lost with out him.I see there is alot of us,but how does that take the place of your best friend,lover, and soul mate.I miss are long talks,his laughing.When I was down he was always there to pick me up.As I did him but this time I COULD NOT DO ANYTHING,HE ASK ME TO FIND SOMEONE THAT COULD GIVE HIM JUST 6 MONTHS AND I could not even do that,All I could do is tell him I love him and would never forget him never.this all happene in two weeks ans we only had 1 day by our self and then he was to far gone to talk to me .But I know he heard everything I told him.
I Love You Rick with all my heart and soul.
My husband of 25yrs passed away from a massive aneurysm on Oct 10, 2009.
I was suppose to go with him to get hay, but I woke up with a migraine. He left the house at 8am and he passed away at 10:00am. Thankfully he was with friends when he died.
Tomorrow will be one month alone, without my soul mate and best friend.
I break down in tears everyday, and miss him more everyday.
Today I had to stop by where he use to work and I just fell apart. Even though he had been laid off Nov 2008 he had worked at the same dealership as a mechanic for 20yrs. I could still feel his presence there and I was not prepared for that.
I cried all the way home.
This pain is endless torment. My heart aches and my soul cries more everyday.
How do we survive this horrible loss? Do support groups help? Friends try to help, but they have lives to.
Carl, I love and miss you with all my heart
Semper-Fi
i lost the love of my life on 8\249 we have a 2yr old little girl together,he was murdered outside of are home i can still hear the gun shots replayig in my head. im 24 and he was 25 weve ben together for 6yrs i know of no other love and hurts me so deep when my daughter says ”mama i want dada” icry even harder i dont know what to tell her, he’s on my mind every second he was such a great father i just feel like giveing up i mean is their any hope.
i lost my life partner on june 1st from a horrific auto accident right outside my driveway…not only did i hear it happen, but i wasalso the first on the scene with his brother…i am a nursing student and my first aid did kick in but when i reached down to find a pulse i could not find one and by the position of his body and all his extremities i knew it was bad…he was life-flighted to the hospital after 45 minutes and the doctors worked on him all night which gave me false hope there was a chance for him…around 530 in the morning a nurse held me down in a chair at his bedside and went through all the things that were wrong with him and told me i had to make the decision to let him go as his brain had started to herniate and was now leaking from his nose…after physically inspecting every inch of his body tring to find something that felt real and alive, i had to succomb to let them take him off the machines…i now suffer from PTSD with depression…i did start grief therapy this summer and am currently on meds…my counselor says i have not gone through the grieving process yet and if i do not says i will wind up becoming pathological and may have to be hospitalized…i do not want to let him go…
I have survived Thanksgiving! I didn’t think I could. This was one of my husbands favorite holidays so I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. I am really worried because Christmas is coming and I am sure the only reason I survived Thanksgiving is because I went into business mode again. I don’t know if it will change in a few days and I will have a breakdown or if I am safe. We will soon see. I am better if family is here, but when they leave, I fall apart. My daughter comes here almost every weekend and it is great-until they leave. I feel like I can’t be sad when they are here. I don’t want them to know how bad I really feel. I don’t know how long I can keep my feelings at bay. Does the pain and lonliness ever end?
i lost my wonderful husband oct.1 2008 , he had amassive heart attack at home. My son tried cpr and no response it was hard for him to see his dad like that and not able to help. Everyday is a new day and I try to keep positive for myself and children. Iwill say some days are harder then others I have agreat family andfriends which is very helpful. I still hear a song and cry , I miss him and know he watching over us. The evening are hard the lonliness just missing him his smile his laugh and his touch. I sit outside in the evening and find the brightest STAR and know its him shining down on to us .
My husband died of sudden cardiac arrest Oct 19, 2008, at age 55, no symptoms, it was like a light switch. I preformed CPR, but to no avail. I lost him, as did the medics. I read through all the pain, agony, devastation of our losses, and want to just lay down.
I have done many things in the last year, many. I have tried many things. I come right back to just wanting my old life back, and plan to recreate it as best I can (we had a small ranch, horses & dogs).
My thoughts after more than a year, which I so wanted to reach, is that we just learn to live with the pain.
It is terrible pain, like a chronic disease. We need to get through each day, some good, some bad.
I doubt I will ever recover from this. So, I live with my pain, every day. Family, friends, neighbors, I have all this, but it does not help much, try as they do to help. Somehow we have to embrace this pain, and make it work for us. Not sure how yet. Maybe by the time I reach 75, I will have it figured out.
I have now survived Christmas and our 25th anniversary. I feel like I have been robbed of everything that is important. Each day, at some point during the day, I say that I can’t make it, but some how I do. I don’t think I will ever get through this. I don’t understand how he could just leave me like this with nothing. I am mad at him, but I love him and miss him more than I can say. I don’t understand.