Please, Can Anyone Help Me? I Am So Lost Without My Son.
November 21, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Your Stories
Hello, My name is Brenda. On Jan 3, 2006 my 15 year old son which was my best friend was hit by a car and never came home. Through this I have became anorexic. The pain and suffering has not changed since the day it happened. I see a therapist at least 3 times a week and have tried all meds avail with no help. I have read many books and have not gotten help from them either. I recluse. do not make contact with my friends and wish most of the time I would just die because the pain is so horrible. I experience severe chest pain, anxiety, panic attacks, I have so much trouble going into public by myself. Like I said above Derrick (my son) was my best friend so I dont get close to anyone as I am afraid they will leave me as well. I am open for any suggestions. Books, CD’s anything Please can you help me. The feeling has not changed since he didnt come home. I am so lost without him. Why do I keep living when I dont care if I do or dont.
Thank you
Brenda
Dr. Gloria Responds
Dear Brenda, We are so very sorry for you loss of your beloved son, Derrick. Nothing in our whole life prepares us as parent for the pain experienced after the loss of a child. It has not been two years since his accident - a short time for such grief. You need to give yourself all the time it takes to go through this process we call grieving. It is a process of trying to find balance again after everything has been knocked out from under you. Know that when you regain balance, life will be different. But life does return.
We e encourage you to stay in therapy because grief is hard and exhausting work. Continue to reach out. for help and, when you can, reach out to help someone else who is also in pain. Helping someone else is a great healer. Be gentle with yourself. There are many who have walked this path before you and made it. If they can make it so can you.
Below are some comments from our new book that I think can be helpful to you. My son was seventeen when he died in a car crash and these are some of my thoughts:
“So, who are you now, without your husband, child, parent, sibling, best friend? This loss is not fair, not possible, not real. I will not accept it now. It is not fair and not fun. I will rebel. I have been told all my life that if I wanted it badly enough I could have it! That hard work pays off and is all it takes! Winston Churchill said it best, “never give up, never never, never give up.” So I don’t. I fight it, I cry, I scream, I yell, I search, I fall, I shake, I wander, I forget, I fight sleep. But it does not bring my beloved back. I tell the story of how it could have been… Could have been avoided, how something I might have done (or not done) could have made a difference. Maybe if it was a different car or route. More early diagnosis. Better doctors. Different life styles… This is the normal process of grief. Overtime it will get better and you will find the life again that you were meant to live.”
Open yourself to Hope for laughter and joy again and it will happen. Your child wants you to rise above his loss and eventually move into the future — and there will be one.
You might find help and comfort in listening to some of our archived radio shows with guests who have also lost children. You can find them by clicking Archived Radio Shows on the home page of The Grief Blog. We recommend:
October 18, 2007
Guest: Khris Ford
Topic: Arriving on the Scene: A son dies in an auto crash
August 25, 2007
Guest: Kay Bevington
Topic Being a Parent without Living Children
October 5, 2006
Stillwell, Elaine
Topic: Coping and Surviving After the Deaths of Two Children
You can also listen to our new shows that air each Thursday morning at 9 a.m. Pacific time. You can get these shows by going to The Grief Blog and clicking on the earphones in the upper right corner. On Thanksgiving we are honored to have Dr. Bernie Siegel as our guest – we encourage you to listen.
You might, at some time when you are ready, visit a group of The Compassionate Friends in your area. You may have already done so, and it might be helpful to try it again. So what if you cry? Everyone there has been where you are now and will understand.
Have faith,
Gloria
Brenda, your story is so heartwrenching and I am very sad and sorry for your terrible loss. My 20 year old son was killed a year ago in a motorcycle accident. He and I enjoyed a tremendous mother-son friendship and talked several times a day. Each day is painful and I certainly haven’t found a way to make that pain go away but I’d like to share my perspective that may help you. Because I was so close with my son I do not have any regrets when it comes to our relationship and expressions of love. Instead I get to enjoy and find happiness in our memories together. The truth is none of us gets to live forever here on earth. As painful as it has been for me to accept I realize that his life is over but mine is not - not yet. We each have a responsibility to live our lives to our full potential. For me, being a person of faith, I try to live my life honoring my family and plan on being greeted in heaven by a proud son. I choose to push through those moments of despair and reach for something to carry me through. It’s not necessarily on a grand scale either. Somedays it simply means instead of laying in bed crying I go for a walk and cry. I believe by doing so I am choosing to lean into the pain rather than be taken by it. Other days I might decide to buy a bag of groceries and take it to a food bank. In my mind I am using my pain to do something good for others in my son’s memory. It is really just a conscious state of acknowledging the pain and making the decision that my love for my son is greater than this and I will not allow our relationship to end on such a negative note! I can’t touch him but I can feel him and his love. It is important to me not to let grief win…I assume your son was as lovely and wonderful to you as my son was to me…..I hope you will find a way to reach beyond the pain so that you can still enjoy the warmth and happiness of your son’s life. Maybe take some time to think about what he liked to do. If it was play football at the park consider going to the park and make a choice of instead of feeling sad choose to be happy with the memory of him running in the grass. I miss having coffee with my son - now each day when I have coffee I smile (and often with a tear running down my face) at the thought of him sharing it with me. It’s a mix of emotion and to find the balance is a difficult thing. I would encourage you to be forgiving of yourself and think about starting to let yourself be happy with his memories instead of so sad. I have said over and over this past year “in this tragedy I am still blessed”. Brenda, in this most horrible tragedy you too are still blessed. You had a wonderful love filled relationship with your son. You each brought so much joy to each other’s lives. To me it sounds like you are a wonderful loving person that has a lot still to give this world. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and I hope you will write again and let us know how you are doing - I’ll be checking on you!
Kindly.
Julia
Brenda, I am so sorry for your lost…there’s nothing more unnatural than for a parent to lose a child. In the persons abcence there can be such an emptiness and a loss of hope. But with faith you can once again be hopeful. God promises that in the near future he will “wipe out every tear from our eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning, nor outcry, nor pain be anymore. These things will have passed away” Bible book of Revelation chapter 21 verse 3 and 4. Again, I’m sorry your in despair, I’ll keep you in my thoughts. ~ Janine
Brenda,
I would like to echo the sentiments that Julia has so wisely expressed in her response to you.
My son has also passed - two years ago at the age of 23. Although still being beyond comprehension in some moments, I do realize that for a short time (there is no such thing as time on the other side) I am still here and there is a supreme purpose to that. I was extremely blessed to have known my son in a very spiritual way, but that came with a lot of pain and emotional investment along the 23 years.
The healing and beauty I am still able to bring into this world to honor him and benefit others in without end. We will celebrate his birthday on the 21st of this year with over two hundred of his friends and family in a unique opportunity to bring healing to us all and celebrate the spirit we still love.
No other person can describe to you what honors your child the most…..only you know what that is. If your son loved art….sponsor a scholarship in his name. Whatever it is….do not stop living - or loving. Others need it so badly and I truly believe the Holy Spirit uses the love and blessing to convey your love to your child as well.
Loving steps…in their name….
Deana
Hello, My name is Gail miller…I am the mother of Michael Shane Miller. He wasn’t only my son he was my best friend…and on 2-16-06 my life ended…my Michael was shot and killed by his girlfriend…the girl he was fixing to marry…She shot him in the head with a high power 270 hunting rifter…I saw my son 7 minutes after she took his life…she was bloody from the head to her toes…my son’s body lying on the cold damp ground with the top of his head blew off,,,and his brains at his feet…I still am having flast back of seeing my see, I will never get over losing my son ,..he didn’t deserve to die the way he died.Michael was a christain man who loved the lord and his family..I still go to visit his grave site 4 or 5 times a week. I seek help but sometime I just want to die with him. We had a special relationship together as mother and son….He didn’t die along a part of me went with him the night the lord called him home….but i still don’t like to be around lots of people…and the hoilday are never the same anymore, I just want my son back. but I know that he isn’t coming home to give me a kiss and a hug and there will never be no more red rose. I love my special angel then and I love him now.
I am so sorry for your horrific loss. I lost my only child of 16 on 12/0/2002. I witnessed his suicide. My life has been forever changed. He sends butterflies from time to time and I get little signs, nothing like I wish I could get, but no matter what signs or feelings we get, it will never be enough. We have to realize that our child is forever in our hearts and nobody can take away our memories. My heart goes out to everyone. This is such a difficult time of the year when you have lost your child. I have found talking to other parents who have lost their child the best therapy ever. These parents are truly the only people who understand how we feel.
Brenda, I lose my son Jan 11, 2006. Just LIVE FOR HIM KEEP IN IN YOUR HEART AND LIVE.GOD BLESS