I Still Feel Guilty Two Year’s After My Mom’s Death

I lost my mom June2,2006 it was a rainy Thursday night and i had no idea that the last conversation we had which was a fight would be our last. she was a very loving person when she wanted to be but had her own cross to bare with a father who sexually molested her for many years she became addicted to pills young and that is how she lived her life but she functioned in life or so it seemed….although some therapy i did suggested that i was an enabler who lost my childhood at 7 years old when my step-dad deciced to kill himself..so then began my life of teaching my mom that he was dead and making sure she went to bed and making sure her cigarette was out so no fire would start….in between all this and on her good days she was very warm and affectionate.
i am 35 she left me 2 years ago and i don’t know which stage of grief i am at because i cry once a day.

Dr. Gloria Responds - It is not unusual for a person to focus on the last interaction they had with their loved one especially if it was a fight.  What is important is that you cared enough about your mother to fight with her and she with you.

If you have unresolved issues with her I would suggest that you try using the empty chair.  Sit accross from an empty chair and think of your mother sitting in the chair.  Tell your mother how you are feeling about her being gone.  Then move into the chair and answer as your mother.  Keep moving back and forth and giving questions and answers.  I think you will be surprised what you will find.  Another option is to journal expressing your concerns, hopes, and dreams.

At 33 you need to get on with your own life.  At age 7 you were not responsible for your step-father killing himself or your mother’s response to the event.  Crying once a day for your mother is not a bad thing as many people wish they could cry.  If it does not disrupt your life set out a time to think of your mother at the same time everyday.  When you plan on it you will eventually fill that time with other activities.
Dear Vampiress,

It is not unusual for a person to focus on the last interaction they had with their loved one especially if it was a fight.  What is important is that you cared enough about your mother to fight with her and she with you. You also had a consistent history of taking care of her.

If you have unresolved issues with her I would suggest that you try using the empty chair.  Sit accross from an empty chair and think of your mother sitting in the chair.  Tell your mother how you are feeling about her being gone.  Then move into the chair and answer as your mother.  Keep moving back and forth and giving questions and answers.  I think you will be surprised what you will find.  Another option is to journal expressing your concerns, hopes, and dreams.

At 33 you need to get on with your own life. At age 7 you were not responsible for your step-father killing himself or your mother’s response to the event.  Crying once a day for your mother is not a bad thing as many people wish they could cry.  If it does not disrupt your life set out a time to think of your mother at the same time everyday.  When you plan on it you will eventually fill that time with other activities.

You might find it helpful to listen to our some of our archived radio shows. You can find them by going to http://www.thegriefblog.com
and clicking on Radio Show Archives. We recommend specificially:

June 14, 2007
Guest: Dr. Cori Bussolari
Subject: Orphaned at Nineteen

May 24, 2007
Guest: David Browning
Subject: The Death of a Mother: Integrating Personal and Professional Knowledge

October 13, 2005
Guest: Jan Eckles
Subject: Trials, Disappointment and Challenges

We also suggest you read the article on The Grief Blog titled “A Must Read: A Letter about Guilt and Bob Baugher’s response.” It can help you understand some of your guilt and how to deal with it.

There is no time limit on grief so give yourself time for healing. Take care of yourself during this time of increased stressed. Two years is not a long time when it comes to healing from the loss of someone very dear to you.

Sincerely,

Dr. Gloria