My Story of the Journey Through the Grief Process – Article IX
When I entered the grief process, I knew absolutely nothing. I was a clean slate. And, as I began to read and study this process called grief, I learned things that helped me cope with some of the behavior I saw in my late husband just prior to his death.
To my surprise, I learned the dying know they are dying and they go through a grief process too! My heart broke when I realized that Bill had suffered the same sort of stuff I was experiencing and in my ignorance and denial of his condition, I was not there for him. Truth is, I felt guilty for a long time. Finally I realized Bill would never hold me responsible for something I did not know, and neither should I. At last I was able to let it go.
The dying “catch” the idea they are dying in any number of ways, such as the way the staff, or the family, treats them. Of course, sometimes patients simply get that “feeling” of approaching death, sort of a psychological something. At the time Bill’s doctor gave him the diagnosis, as gently as such a message can be delivered, he also told him he would not live. The staff tried to connect me with hospice, but I would not even read the material they provided. I could not allow the outcome of my husband’s illness to take root in my mind. Denial was my coping mechanism.
Oftentimes the patient begins the grief process by trying to bargain. He may try to deny his medical condition, or even be very angry and resentful to the medical staff as well as the healthy family he will leave behind. Naturally, the patient may also have bouts with depression. Finally he arrives at acceptance.
It is the acceptance stage of this process that brings the most pain to those of us left to mourn his passing. During the acceptance stage, the patient may ask to see certain persons, even family members, and after the visit never ask about them again. Bill asked to see his mother and sisters who lived three thousand miles away very early in his illness, then never called for them again. Of course they called and I delivered messages, but he did not seem interested. He had closed that door of his life.
After reading about his grief process, I understood some more things.
I am a retired grandmother of four. I live in the rural South. I love to travel, read, and sprinkle stardust in the lives of my grandchildren.
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