My Story of the Journey Through the Grief Process – Article VI
We reach a point in this grief recovery process where we want to find ourselves, or decide who we really are. We have stumbled around in a quagmire of emotions, been weighed down with depression, dealt with countless unfamiliar responsibilities from finding a job, to relocating, to changing the deed on our property. We are tired and want to find something we can call comfortable, normal, if you will.
After what seemed like an eternity, I began to try to understand what had happened to me and how I was handling all the stress. I can assure you, I had never experienced such a range of emotions that I could not control, and there were periods of time that I wondered if I would ever emerge from that tunnel of darkness as a whole human being.
I cannot guess when that seed of understanding was planted in my heart and mind, but somewhere along the way I began to try to make sense of my loss. There is no reason I would tell you I did make sense of it, because I am not so sure I did. There was considerable time spent trying to imagine what life would be like had Bill not died. That did not work because I had no way to connect the “what is” to the “what might have been.”
And, I spent some time reminding me that there is a Power greater than Bill and me that knows more than we did and there were things left for me to do while he had completed his assignment. Oh, I went down every path I could find, searching for understanding. I wish I could point to a time or an incident that would say to me “Aha! Now you understand. It is time to start putting the pieces of your life back together, as best you can.” To this day, I think understanding eludes me, but I no longer dwell in the search mode.
I am a retired grandmother of four. I live in the rural South. I love to travel, read, and sprinkle stardust in the lives of my grandchildren.
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