I come to this site often to remind me I’m not alone

From Desiree –

I come to this site often to remind me Im not alone and that people are losing their luved ones all the time. Since my mother passed in May my life feels empty, I feel empty. The last time I saw my mother was when I went home for my Gran’s funeral in 2007. And all I can think about now is my Mum needed me then but she ended up comforting me. Losing my gran was so hard, not saying goodbye to her broke my heart. But it made me realise how important my mum was 2 me. The week b4 she passed I rang her 3 times, but ended up talking 2 my younger sister about her wedding plans, we were so excited. My mums lst words to me was when she die the younger kids would b my resposibility. I laughed and said good thing u not goin anywhere then as u knw i dnt hav patience! The Sunday was Mother’s day and i tried all day to ring my mum but jst couldnt get thru. I remember thinkin tht Monday morning that ill ring her when i get bck frum work. Then @ 3pm I could a urgent txt frm my sis. My bro has end stage kidney disease so i thought sumthin happened to him. My aunt answered the ph but couldnt speak so i told her to jst give the ph to my mum. Sumelse took the ph and told me my mum was gone. I jst put the ph dwn and walked to my office. I went hme-the longest drive of my life, got in and said to my daughter i think sumthin has happened to Mamma. My sis answered the ph when I called again, wheres Mamma i wanted to know and then she said those wrds and i screamed. My mum woke up tht morning feeling a bit sickly. My sis noted their was blood on her pillowcase. my mum got up, put her gospel cd on as she did evry morning, got ready then asked my sis to drive her 2 the clinic. at the clinic she was very breathless and the doctor said it may b a clot on her lungs. Then she asked my 22yr old sis wht she wanted 2 do, wait 4 a ambulance which could take hrs or drive her to the hospital. My mum kept sayin in the car she’s gonna die. My mum walked in2 the ER, got on a trolley and jst laid her head dwn. They wrked on her for a long time. She wrked @ tht hospital 4 35 yrs and as the news spread people came dwn. None of my fam got to say goodbye 2 her. My mum always told us she’ll die suddenly, tht we will neva get the chance 2 say goodbye. We used 2 tell her off 4 sayin tht. Ironically while sum gormless doctor failed 2 look after my mum I was on the other side of the world seeing a guy wth a suspected bloodclot. The nxt few days was a daze, got hme then there was a funeral, people there all the time. My dad took me to see my mum as soon as i got hme. And i cant explain wht i felt when i saw her lyin there. A part of me died when she died. At i funeral i stayed at her coffin until they took it away, cause i didnt want to let her go. Thts y i wanted to stay wth her until the lst stage of the cremation, which ripped all of us apart. after the funeral people left and I had to cum bck hme. For weeks i jst stayed in my house, couldnt go to work. How could I go bck working in a hospital?Barely could get thru a day. Then my 8 yr old said he misses his mummy and i knew 4 their sake i need to get up. My GP started me on Prozac and i went bck to work. And i soon realised how uncomfortable my grief makes them. Now i try not 2 cry @ wrk or @ hme, the only way i can do tht is if i block it all out. But Im goin hme 4 my sis wedding nxt week and im terrified. Im having nitemares about my boys dying, when i wake up im 2 scared 2 move. And lst nite my sis told me my aunt has stomach cancer-she is 39. We r the same age, grew up like twins. I used 2 say shes my better half cause she’s the sensible 1. 2day i was a mess @ wrk, kept cryin. Not only will I have to face the fact tht my mum is gone, ill have 2 deal wth this too. I cnt do it, I dnt want to do it. Please God help me to understand your plan, to hold onto my faith.