I wonder what I am suppose to do
From Laura -
As I stumbled across this website I noticed we all had pretty much everything in common. Of course our loss, but what I really noticed was the times we all wrote. Some were at 2:37 a.m. , others at various times throughout the wee hours of the early morning. Sleep! What is that? I lost my husband, Tommy, to a refinery explosion here in Texas City, TX. Dec. 4, 2009. He took out of here and that was the last time I seen him. I have been through alot in my 46 years but I have to say this has to be the most PAINFUL experience I have dealt with. I find there is no comfort. Sleep and eating has become non-existent. I force myself to eat as I have become rather thin. I wonder what I am suppose to do? I spend most of my sleepless nights wandering around the house looking for pictures I can print on the computer. Our home has become almost a “shrine”.
I leave his boots in place almost believing its as if he is on vacation. I struggle daily at work to make it each day. I don’t really know the answers but I do know when he died a huge piece of my heart went with him. To make matters worse, his family, “the christians” has turned into someone I don’t know. How can someone be so cruel? I am fighting for him. The wrongdoing in the plant. No matter what cost, my reputation, people who I know will no longer want to be in my life because they disagree. I won’t ever stop until I quit breathing. I guess in time I will be whatever it is you call “normal” but the one thing I know for sure my Tommy was and will always be the love of my life. No one will ever be able to replace him or what we had. Matter of fact, there will be no one as I have accepted that I don’t want another in my life. It would be cruel to another knowing I could never fully give myself ever again. Tommy- if you happen to be around checking on me – know that I am so very much in love with you, I will always stay true to you and most of all you not being here leaves me so empty. I miss you baby and I will join you when the Lord calls upon me. Save me a spot I love you eternally, Laura In memory of Tommy Dwaine Manis Aug. 5 , 1969 – Dec. 4, 2009n
Dear Laura,
It has been such a very short time since Tommy’s death and our hearts go out to you. It has been just over two weeks and you must still be in a state of shock and the suddeness of your loss and the drastic change in your life. This is a time to take care of yourself and that isn’t always easy. It may feel like too much effort. Eating, sleeping, getting outside in the fresh air and sunshine are so important in the early days of grief. Be gentle with yourself and don’t put too many expectations on you. Each person grieves in her own way and her own time so don’t listen to those who say you should be “over it.” Healing sometimes comes slowly but it does come. There will be a time when the intense suffering finally stops even though the pain may linger.
We encourage you to find someone to talk to. Talk about Tommy and keep his memories close, talk about your feelings even if you say the same thing over and over. It helps you heal. It’s O.K. to tell a friend what you need and ask her to simply listen.
It may be helpful to listen to some of our radio shows on grief and grieving and watch some of our You Tube videos. Shows we suggest for you are:
April 2, 2009
Widowhood
Guest: Sandra Presmen
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley040209.mp3
February 12, 2009
Going on After the Death of a Husband
1st Guest: Elaine Williams
2nd Guest: Helga Hayse
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley021209.mp3
Grief Sequence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRso3uDtNY8&feature=PlayList&p=6D48F87898EF220C&index=19
A Journey Well Taken, by Elaine Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8WldlxB-fA&feature=PlayList&p=3C171816099127DC&index=2
We hope these help.
There will be times when you feel like you have no hope. We invite you to lean on our hope until you have your own. You walk with many who share the pain of loss, and there is some comfort in knowing you don’t walk alone. Know that others have made it before you and you can, too.
Our love,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley