It’s just one freakish and bizarre experience from one minute to the next
From Scott –
Jan:
Yes, it is a horrifying roller coaster ride and everything you are feeling and will feel, is what those of us who have lost a child, all feel. I totally know where you are coming from with the “stages” issue. For me, there have not really been “stages”, it’s just one freakish and bizarre experience from one minute to the next.
My 22 year old son passed on July 31st of this year, after a 26 month battle against leukemia. He suffered in pain for the majority of the time he was ill. As his primary caretaker, I watched as he slowly wasted away and the last two weeks of his life, spent in a hospital bed hooked up to machines was a nightmare.
I had to make the decision to remove him from life support. I sometimes wish that if he had to be taken from me, it would have been in another way. Why did I have to be the one to make this decision? Did I make the right decision? Does he know that I made that decision because I could no longer watch him suffer? Does he forgive me?
My mind has reeled, the thoughts and feelings come like tidal waves, the pain so intense it takes me to the floor some days.
Yesterday, I spent the holiday with my brother in law, his wife and their 2 year old son. He is a beautiful baby, full of life and way more energy than I ever remember having myself. I cannot tell you how many times I had to excuse myself because of the flood of memories that overwhelmed me while I watched my brother in law and wife play, laugh, hold and love that precious child. No one knew what I was feeling and I certainly did not want everyone to feel like I was feeling, so I went through the entire holiday, faking it every step of the way, pretending that all was well.
BUT – I survived what I thought I would never get through. The first holiday without my dear James. James loved to cook and I so clearly remember last Thanksgiving, when as ill as he was, he stood right by my side as we prepared the entire Thanksgiving meal. This year I kept looking for him, hoping he would just walk through the door and let me know I needed to salt the gravy and cook the dressing longer so it isn’t so mushy!
I am so sorry you do not have a support system of family to help you through this time.
Jan, from your message, I sense a tremendous amount of anger and frustration. I will not refer to this as a stage, because I felt the same thing the first few weeks, then it waned, then it came back again, then backs off then returns with a vengance. To me, stages are things that move you forward to some type of conclusion. They don’t come and go back and forth, that is not how stages are supposed to work. I would rather people think of and refer to these feelings as components of the grief. There is no such thing as getting over stage 1, then stage 2, etc. It just doesn’t happen that way! Not for me anyway.
You have a long haul ahead Jan and it will become more difficult before it gets any easier.
Don’t let anyone tell you what you should be feeling and when. You have every right to feel every feeling and emotion you are feeling now. ALLOW yourself, to do so. ALLOW yourself, to agree. Give yourself permission to feel angry, sad, depressed, whatever the emotion for that day happens to be – sometimes they all come at once.
Jan, what has helped me most, is that I have worked very, very hard at ACCEPTING what has happened. I think this is the most difficult part of all of this. Even though I sometimes think I’ve cleared that hurdle or “stage”, it still comes back to me. I had to get to the point where I realize my James is NEVER coming back. No matter how hard I wish, pray, demand….he is gone.
PLEASE – reach out for help Jan. Find the local grief support networks in your area. Go to them. It will be extremely difficult, but please don’t give up. Though I am a total stranger, I CAN tell you that your son would have never wanted you to give up, it sounds like your son had suffered a lot over these past two years. I can guarantee that he did not want you to suffer as well.
And for what it’s worth, I care…everyone here at this site cares as well.
I WILL pray for you Jan. I wish you peace, comfort and mostly, love.
Scott
