My heart goes out to all of you in your terrible grief

From Carol –

This message may help Evie. We lost our daughter in July of 2008. She developed an infection and sepsis and was dead in less than 24 hours. We had no chance to say goodbye. I have a terrible time even now with the feelingsof guilt that I wasn’t with her when she died. She was in so much pain. We could never have imagined such devastation. My heart goes out to all of the parents who have gone through this. I lost my daughter and also my best friend. We saw each other every day. We shared the same sense of humor and I haven’t truly laughed since she died. She had a 2 year old son who now lives with us as my daughter and her partner were no longer together when she died. We had such a terrible time (and still do) dealing with our grief and trying to help our Grandson through the grief of losing his beloved Mother. Her whole life revolved around her little boy. I would like to assure Evie that it does become a little easier as time goes on. We, too, had no idea what to do or say to help the little guy. He was clingy for about a year (he literally clung to my leg for at least 3 months after she died) and it’s only been the last few months he’s been able to let me leave without a huge panic attack. Unfortunately I had to go back to work and he has learned that I will come back. He still panics at times if he can’t find me in the house. We have learned to tell him where we will be at all times even if it’s just going outside to get the mail. At first he talked a lot about his Mom. We made it clear from the beginning that she had died and we would never see her again. Otherwise he was constantly wanting her to “come Back”.. It was also so hard for us to bring him back to his house. He left his house one day to stay with us when his Mom was sick and never went back. Basically He lost everything he had know in his life in one night….his Mom, his room, his house…everything. I was too devestated to go back to her house for a long time. We coped by just explaing things in child’s terms when he asked questions. Now he is 3 1/2 and I can tell him a little more about his Mama. He still gets sad and when he smells a piece of her clothing or perfume and says he wants Mama back. I let him be clingy and just try to reassure him as much as possible that all the other people he loves won’t all die too. It is such a challenge to try and keep it together for the sake of the remainder of your family. There were days when I didn’t want to live but knew I had to for the sake of the rest of the family who were devastated and grieving as well.
I wish all of the grieving families out there the hope that the worst, excruciating pain will fade….it will NEVER go away. Somehow we have to learn to live life with that loss. I spend a lot of time thinking about Kelley and wishing I could have been there for her I am such a different person now and probably a better one as I have found new compassion and empathy and an ability to sort what is important in life from what is truly trivial. I’ve also learned to be a much more gentle and forgiving Mother to my 21 year old son and my grandson. My heart goes out to all of you in your terrible grief.