My heart goes out to all of you in your terrible grief
From Carol –
This message may help Evie. We lost our daughter in July of 2008. She developed an infection and sepsis and was dead in less than 24 hours. We had no chance to say goodbye. I have a terrible time even now with the feelingsof guilt that I wasn’t with her when she died. She was in so much pain. We could never have imagined such devastation. My heart goes out to all of the parents who have gone through this. I lost my daughter and also my best friend. We saw each other every day. We shared the same sense of humor and I haven’t truly laughed since she died. She had a 2 year old son who now lives with us as my daughter and her partner were no longer together when she died. We had such a terrible time (and still do) dealing with our grief and trying to help our Grandson through the grief of losing his beloved Mother. Her whole life revolved around her little boy. I would like to assure Evie that it does become a little easier as time goes on. We, too, had no idea what to do or say to help the little guy. He was clingy for about a year (he literally clung to my leg for at least 3 months after she died) and it’s only been the last few months he’s been able to let me leave without a huge panic attack. Unfortunately I had to go back to work and he has learned that I will come back. He still panics at times if he can’t find me in the house. We have learned to tell him where we will be at all times even if it’s just going outside to get the mail. At first he talked a lot about his Mom. We made it clear from the beginning that she had died and we would never see her again. Otherwise he was constantly wanting her to “come Back”.. It was also so hard for us to bring him back to his house. He left his house one day to stay with us when his Mom was sick and never went back. Basically He lost everything he had know in his life in one night….his Mom, his room, his house…everything. I was too devestated to go back to her house for a long time. We coped by just explaing things in child’s terms when he asked questions. Now he is 3 1/2 and I can tell him a little more about his Mama. He still gets sad and when he smells a piece of her clothing or perfume and says he wants Mama back. I let him be clingy and just try to reassure him as much as possible that all the other people he loves won’t all die too. It is such a challenge to try and keep it together for the sake of the remainder of your family. There were days when I didn’t want to live but knew I had to for the sake of the rest of the family who were devastated and grieving as well.
I wish all of the grieving families out there the hope that the worst, excruciating pain will fade….it will NEVER go away. Somehow we have to learn to live life with that loss. I spend a lot of time thinking about Kelley and wishing I could have been there for her I am such a different person now and probably a better one as I have found new compassion and empathy and an ability to sort what is important in life from what is truly trivial. I’ve also learned to be a much more gentle and forgiving Mother to my 21 year old son and my grandson. My heart goes out to all of you in your terrible grief.













Dear Carol: I haven’t been on here in a while, don’t know what prompted me today. I had a few minutes before my granddaughter woke up (I take Mondays off of work). I have been feeling panicky of late with Christmas coming. I would like to correspond by email (evie3@live.ca), if you don’t mind. My heart just aches for my granddaughter and I see you have been there and are there. She has had some difficult times being angry that her mom won’t come back. The last two weeks have been pretty good though. I guess it would just be nice to talk to someone who has been there and is there. Thank you for writing, I needed to know others understood what I am going through. Got to go, she is up and who know when I will have time again. Take Care Evie
i lost my life partner on june 1st from a horrific auto accident right outside my driveway…not only did i hear it happen, but i wasalso the first on the scene with his brother…i am a nursing student and my first aid did kick in but when i reached down to find a pulse i could not find one and by the position of his body and all his extremities i knew it was bad…he was life-flighted to the hospital after 45 minutes and the doctors worked on him all night which gave me false hope there was a chance for him…around 530 in the morning a nurse held me down in a chair at his bedside and went through all the things that were wrong with him and told me i had to make the decision to let him go as his brain had started to herniate and was now leaking from his nose…after physically inspecting every inch of his body tring to find something that felt real and alive, i had to succomb to let them take him off the machines…i now suffer from PTSD with depression…i did start grief therapy this summer and am currently on meds…my counselor says i have not gone through the grieving process yet and if i do not says i will wind up becoming pathological and may have to be hospitalized…i do not want to let him go…
I am so sorry to hear about your loss as well. July 27th, 2009, we lost our grandson. he was only ten and the only child of my son. It was a terrible accident that took his life in an instant. The hurt and pain is something I can not begin to explain. I went surfing for answers and found your post. I think the only thing is to keep talking about it, share our grief because letting it out is the only thing I can think of that seems to work a little.