PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHEN THIS PAIN WILL STOP
From Rox –
How and when does the pain stop. I lost my rock on 4th of November. All he had was mild flu that turned into a chest infection and only because the GP didn’t care to take time to check him and give him medication,, the chest infection turned into Pneumonia , he was admitted in to hospital and 3 days later he died. We were married for 39 beautiful years and have two wonderful wonderful children. I have more bad days then good days, there are times I don’t want to do anything speak to anyone or see anyone, and these are more often then not. I just miss him soooooo terribly and keep thinking that he has gone away on a trip and will be back, I can’t imagine life without him. He took care of everything and everyone in our life, our relationship was such that we were more like soul mates, sharing jokes, watching/listening to same programs, had the same taste in everything. What do I do and how do I cope, Friends and Family are being great, children are just being v strong. BUT PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHEN THIS PAIN WILL STOP AND WHEN TEARS WILL STOP. I have lost a s tone in weight, and am sort of loosing will to live or do anything. HELLLLLLLLLLLLLP please.
Dear Rox,
It has been such a very short time since your husband’s death and our hearts go out to you. You must still be reeling from the shock of loosing someone who is like another half of you. The loss is incalculable This is a time to take care of yourself and that isn’t always easy. It may feel like too much effort. Eating, sleeping, getting outside in the fresh air and sunshine are so important in the early days of grief. Be gentle with yourself and don’t put too many expectations on you. Do try to eat because grief is hard work and good nutrition is an important factor in healing. Each person grieves in her own way and her own time and it’s hard to say how long it takes. We have found that there is a time when, even though the pain remains, the suffering stops and life takes on a new “normal.”
We encourage you to find someone to talk to. Talk about your husband and keep his memories close, talk about your feelings even if you say the same thing over and over. It helps you heal. It’s O.K. to tell a friend what you need and ask her to simply listen.
It may be helpful to listen to some of our radio shows on grief and grieving and watch some of our You Tube videos. Shows we suggest for you are:
April 2, 2009
Widowhood
Guest: Sandra Presmen
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley040209.mp3
February 12, 2009
Going on After the Death of a Husband
1st Guest: Elaine Williams
2nd Guest: Helga Hayse
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley021209.mp3
Grief Sequence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRso3uDtNY8&feature=PlayList&p=6D48F87898EF220C&index=19
A Journey Well Taken, by Elaine Williams
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8WldlxB-fA&feature=PlayList&p=3C171816099127DC&index=2
We hope these help.
There will be times when you feel like you have no hope. We invite you to lean on our hope until you have your own. You walk with many who share the pain of loss, and there is some comfort in knowing you don’t walk alone. Know that others have made it before you and you can, too.
Our love,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
Rox
I can’t imagine the pain of losing a spouse, but I can tell you losing your only child like I did, is terrible. Sean was my only child. I lost my past, present and future. He has been gone 2 years and 9 months almost 10 months. This is his 3rd Christmas in heaven. I can say I no longer lose my breath when I think of him, but the pain is still there. We never get over our loss, we go on and live for them. We just get used to it. You come to a point of acceptance. You Hate it but what else do you do. If we could change things we would, but we can’t . Stay open to the pain. Plow your way through it. It will lesson, but never I think go away. You said you have 3 children. How fortunate you are. Concentrate on them. I would give anything to have a piece of my child. To see his eyes in someone else’s face. But as I said he was all I had. So I keep going trying to find my purpose in life, hoping to finding it someday soon. I know in my heart there is something i should do. But I haven’t figured it out yet. Turn to your children, the greatest thing your husband gave you. It is to soon for you to not feel the pain, but it does get somewhat easier. Pra;yers to you on this Christmas morning, don’t give in or up. Still live for your Husband, I’m sure he would want you to right!
Hello Rox,
Your comment grabbed my attention because you called your husband a rock.
I also recently lost my beautiful husband and we both called each other our rocks.
My heart goes out to you and others who suffer the same tragic loss.
Its so hard to explain to people how hard it is to lose you life partner. I believe that there could be no greater pain in the world.
I hope it is ok for me to respond to your message and that I am not imposing on your grief. Just know that you are never alone and there are others that suffer alongside you. I truly hope that you are doing ok. I hate it when people ask how i am, and that is all i can tell them. I’m Ok. when it feels so much more awful than words can ever describe.
From one wife to another I send as much hope as is possible through the internet.
Be kind to yourself. And try some gentle exercise, that has helped me immensely when I feel like I am having a meltdown. (chocolate helps too!!)
My thoughts are with you this evening.
Jodi
I lost my husband on October 26, 2009. It was a sudden death. I too dont like when people ask me how Im doing. My response is usually “ok”. What else can I say? Should I tell them that some days are so bad I just want to die? Or should I tell them that I wish it was me instead of him? Should I tell them that I scream sometimes and throw things? Am I the only one that feels this way? I dont know too many widows.
B
Barbara,
My husbands to was a sudden death and yeah I agree, it would be easier sometimes if people didn’t ask how i was doing because I am not really ok and I only have to say it to get them to leave me alone. I feel all the things you described, Most days I want to die- not to escape the pain but to be with him, I wish it was me instead, so he could live a long beautiful life because he deserves to have a long happy life like every other good man. I scream lots (usually in the car!!) and sob from the pit of my stomach. You aren;t the only one that feels this way, It’s a strange feeling for me that I am comforted by others feeling the same as I do, but I would never wish anyone this heartache, I also don’t know many widows ( thats a good thing) but even fewer that I can talk to. Only someone who has lost their soulmate would ever come close to understanding.
It has been 9 weeks this sunday and it feels like only yesterday I touched him, yet it also feels like a lifetime ago he held me in his arms.
I know nothing i say can make it better so i will just say sleep well so that you can manage to get through another day,.
Jodi