Comments on: Important and Helpful Tips For Managing the Holidays For the Bereaved http://thegriefblog.com/grief/dealing-with-grief/grief-and-the-holidays/important-and-helpful-tips-for-managing-the-holidays-for-the-bereaved/ Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:07:42 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: bankowned http://thegriefblog.com/grief/dealing-with-grief/grief-and-the-holidays/important-and-helpful-tips-for-managing-the-holidays-for-the-bereaved/comment-page-1/#comment-106221 bankowned Wed, 23 Dec 2009 07:03:40 +0000 http://thegriefblog.com/?p=5826#comment-106221 Hopefully a lot of teens will be encouraged to stand up for what they believe in and not just be blind followers. Hopefully a lot of teens will be encouraged to stand up for what they believe in and not just be blind followers.

]]> By: sandi http://thegriefblog.com/grief/dealing-with-grief/grief-and-the-holidays/important-and-helpful-tips-for-managing-the-holidays-for-the-bereaved/comment-page-1/#comment-105711 sandi Thu, 10 Dec 2009 13:58:12 +0000 http://thegriefblog.com/?p=5826#comment-105711 You may not find oblivion, but I know that the more I can let go of the pain, the more I have been able to remember my son clearly and with serenity, to feel a real sense of his presence in my heart, to dream about him, to remember what it was like to hold him, talk with him, his expressions. It's the only reason I am surviving. In fact, it is the ONLY reason that I CAN let go of the pain, because I know that the pain is in the way of feeling the peace of his presence. I hope that you can let go of your pain and find some peace. You may not find oblivion, but I know that the more I can let go of the pain, the more I have been able to remember my son clearly and with serenity, to feel a real sense of his presence in my heart, to dream about him, to remember what it was like to hold him, talk with him, his expressions. It’s the only reason I am surviving. In fact, it is the ONLY reason that I CAN let go of the pain, because I know that the pain is in the way of feeling the peace of his presence. I hope that you can let go of your pain and find some peace.

]]> By: sandi http://thegriefblog.com/grief/dealing-with-grief/grief-and-the-holidays/important-and-helpful-tips-for-managing-the-holidays-for-the-bereaved/comment-page-1/#comment-105710 sandi Thu, 10 Dec 2009 13:51:54 +0000 http://thegriefblog.com/?p=5826#comment-105710 I don't know you, Marcelle, but I think you are worthy of living and that you can find some peace one day. I feel so much for your emptiness and the deafening silence. I am trying to let go of what I want to have (my 3 children) and just be open to experiencing all that is good in my life right now (my 2 surviving children & spouse). I can say that all of these suggestions have been helping me. Thanksgiving was terrible for me, and I didn't feel I could survive December. But I find I am living in the moment and feeling my son's presence within me, experiencing for him those things that he would want to do and see, and reaching out to serve others. Oblivion would be so welcome, but it's not possible without wiping out all of the love you have for those who have been in your life. The only way to survive is to reach outside of yourself and find--create, channel your grief into--new experiences. Maybe dinners or going to gatherings is not your comfort. But you are never a 3rd wheel if you are volunteering. Is there a cause your son would have wanted to support? Can you take up that cause for him? Waiting for oblivion won't happen. I know. Waiting for peace doesn't happen either. You have to make it happen even if you don't want to. No one can give it to you. You have to actively create a purpose, esp if you live alone. You are worth it. I'm sure your son would tell you that. I don’t know you, Marcelle, but I think you are worthy of living and that you can find some peace one day. I feel so much for your emptiness and the deafening silence. I am trying to let go of what I want to have (my 3 children) and just be open to experiencing all that is good in my life right now (my 2 surviving children & spouse). I can say that all of these suggestions have been helping me. Thanksgiving was terrible for me, and I didn’t feel I could survive December. But I find I am living in the moment and feeling my son’s presence within me, experiencing for him those things that he would want to do and see, and reaching out to serve others. Oblivion would be so welcome, but it’s not possible without wiping out all of the love you have for those who have been in your life. The only way to survive is to reach outside of yourself and find–create, channel your grief into–new experiences. Maybe dinners or going to gatherings is not your comfort. But you are never a 3rd wheel if you are volunteering. Is there a cause your son would have wanted to support? Can you take up that cause for him? Waiting for oblivion won’t happen. I know. Waiting for peace doesn’t happen either. You have to make it happen even if you don’t want to. No one can give it to you. You have to actively create a purpose, esp if you live alone.

You are worth it. I’m sure your son would tell you that.

]]> By: Marcelle McMillen http://thegriefblog.com/grief/dealing-with-grief/grief-and-the-holidays/important-and-helpful-tips-for-managing-the-holidays-for-the-bereaved/comment-page-1/#comment-105184 Marcelle McMillen Sun, 29 Nov 2009 21:58:53 +0000 http://thegriefblog.com/?p=5826#comment-105184 I have to point out that for me the second Thanksgiving without my beloved son and my brother has been worse for me than the first one. Perhaps it was because their deaths were only a couple months prior to that holiday or perhaps the distance that their deaths has brought somehow seems more intense, more impenetrable, more final. I hate the holidays - I actually hate every day. I guess I could say that I have become a little less distracted by the grief but it still stays with me and hits without warning - sometimes with an intensity similar to the original event. My entire family is now gone except for my dear elderly and very ill father who is in a personal care home with multiple medical issues and frequent bouts of dementia - the worst being the fact that he has seen my son in his room and insists that he is alive and grills me about his whereabouts to the point that I am going to go mad. I have told him over and over that my son has died and taken him to the grave site, shown him the obituary. He attended the funeral and frequently would tell me to just not think about things when I would start to cry silently. My son was his life and I think that he cannot accept that he is gone. So when I read all of these holiday suggestions they never seem to apply to me. I am now totally alone in my house - no need for any celebration. I have a multitude of friends and extended family who do invite me for dinners, etc. I always feel like an outsider no matter what I do. I wish I wasn't me - I wish I could run away and be someone else for awhile. I hate being this person who has lost everything - I remind people of just how awful life can be. I am a reflection of their fear and often feel like I am contagious. I push myself to go to as many outings as I can but the return to my empty home is so deafeningly quiet. I was once a person who had many people in my life and my house. How can this happen? Will I end up a bag lady? I am too old to start another family and can never have another child. That part of my life is gone forever and I don;t know what my purpose here is anymore. Once my father passes I fear I will be hit with a tsunami of grief and abandonment and I don't know how I will react. Right now I am putting one foot in front of the other and getting by. I see no joy on my future. I have moments of laughter as I have always been a humorous person. I have moments of connecting with people, but my enduring connections are for the most part gone and there is nothing tethering me to this life. I crave oblivion right now. Calculated oblivion - just some moments of peace. Sleep is a rare commodity for these days so I imagine that oblivion would be almost impossible to find without dangeropus consequences. I know that our culture glorifies and worships those who are strong and happy and persevere in the face of every imaginable tragedy. But sometimes you get to a place in life where you can't be that kind of person. I have to point out that for me the second Thanksgiving without my beloved son and my brother has been worse for me than the first one. Perhaps it was because their deaths were only a couple months prior to that holiday or perhaps the distance that their deaths has brought somehow seems more intense, more impenetrable, more final. I hate the holidays – I actually hate every day. I guess I could say that I have become a little less distracted by the grief but it still stays with me and hits without warning – sometimes with an intensity similar to the original event. My entire family is now gone except for my dear elderly and very ill father who is in a personal care home with multiple medical issues and frequent bouts of dementia – the worst being the fact that he has seen my son in his room and insists that he is alive and grills me about his whereabouts to the point that I am going to go mad. I have told him over and over that my son has died and taken him to the grave site, shown him the obituary. He attended the funeral and frequently would tell me to just not think about things when I would start to cry silently. My son was his life and I think that he cannot accept that he is gone.
So when I read all of these holiday suggestions they never seem to apply to me. I am now totally alone in my house – no need for any celebration. I have a multitude of friends and extended family who do invite me for dinners, etc. I always feel like an outsider no matter what I do. I wish I wasn’t me – I wish I could run away and be someone else for awhile. I hate being this person who has lost everything – I remind people of just how awful life can be. I am a reflection of their fear and often feel like I am contagious. I push myself to go to as many outings as I can but the return to my empty home is so deafeningly quiet. I was once a person who had many people in my life and my house. How can this happen? Will I end up a bag lady?
I am too old to start another family and can never have another child. That part of my life is gone forever and I don;t know what my purpose here is anymore. Once my father passes I fear I will be hit with a tsunami of grief and abandonment and I don’t know how I will react.
Right now I am putting one foot in front of the other and getting by. I see no joy on my future. I have moments of laughter as I have always been a humorous person. I have moments of connecting with people, but my enduring connections are for the most part gone and there is nothing tethering me to this life.
I crave oblivion right now. Calculated oblivion – just some moments of peace. Sleep is a rare commodity for these days so I imagine that oblivion would be almost impossible to find without dangeropus consequences.
I know that our culture glorifies and worships those who are strong and happy and persevere in the face of every imaginable tragedy. But sometimes you get to a place in life where you can’t be that kind of person.

]]>