Widows – Honor The Pain, No Need To “Suck It Up”
By Beth Waddel
Today was a bad morning. I spent the morning watching television. Holiday commercials, holiday meals, holiday gifts. Why not a show on tears shed? Why not a commercial about losses experienced?
Yes, I am an advocate for managing emotions, not wallowing in self pity, but HOLY COW, is there room for anyone to experience pain, loss and melancholy?
As I was getting out the holiday decorations I found presents, presents my late husband had “stashed away.” Did that fill me with joy? Did that fill me with happiness? No, it filled me with a longing for days gone past.
He knew I loved nativity scenes, and he knew I loved California Pottery. He spent time on ebay looking for my special pottery, and he collected nativity scenes for me as well.
Even though it’s my third Christmas without him, I am finding things stashed away. Another sign of how I miss the man who was so considerate, diligent and caring. I, for one, cannot keep a secret. I for one get so excited about gift giving that I rarely can keep anything secret. He was masterful at keeping the “secret.”
Our first Christmas together he put my new down coat in a wooden box and nailed it shut. Nailed it shut! He knew I would find a way to get into a “regular” package. So, smart as he was, he figured it out and took care of that.
Who can I share that story with? Who can I call and share the fact that I found the California Pottery salt and pepper shakers? Who can I call without being a buzz kill.
So, yes, widows, we have our stories to tell and we must.
Share, share, share your stories…share with a compassionate friend, share in a journal, but honor and acknowledge the complex feelings that emerge right now.
No one is happy, happy, happy right now. Most of us have a mixture of feelings…and as widows those feelings are certainly mixed and complex. Let’s give ourselves permission to feel the RANGE of feelings from joy to sorrow…don’t shut yourself down…open up to the breadth of all you experience.
Stay brave and Honest.
Beth will be offering a FREE telesupport group NEXT week. So, go to her website, sign up for the tele group (all you need is a phone) and take the opportunity to share ALL the feelings…. http://donotgrievealone.com register for the free holiday support telegroup…it will be WONDERFUL.
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Wonderful post. I am a widow of four years and I certainly understand what you’re going through. Many days do get better and better, but then there’s sometimes that throwback and the memories slam you upside the head. elaine
I am a widow of four years I am 48 ,we were high schoolsweethearts,
ihave 2 children.I feel like I should be further along in my grief,but I am
not..
MY husband passed away on May 30,2008 yes 5 months ago…. I still feel numb and a big empty hole in my heart and yes he was also my highschool sweetheart I am 41 he was 43 we had 3 beautiful daughters TWINS! reading these posts are making me realize I am not alone and only other widows can trullllllyyyyyy understand my pain a pain nobody will ever understand.!! THANK YOU ALL FOR sharing your stories it is making me see some light that I am not going crazy! I just wish at times I could be with him but I know my daughters need me ages 19., 13,13 females they adore me so much but I adored my husband so so much!
I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD NOT LIKE THE HOLIDAYS SOMEDAY!!!!!!!!!THIS IS THE FIRST HOLIDAYS WITHOUT MY ETERNAL LOVE IT TRULY HURTS!!!!I NEVER THOUGHT A HUMAN BEING COULD FEEL SOOO MUCH HEARTACHE LIKE I HAVE SINCE THE DARK DATE OF :::MAY ,2008………………..THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EXPERIENCE A LOSS……AND IT HAD TO BE THE FIRST TIME WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE……..WHEN GOD ?…. WILL THE PAIN STOP???
DEAR SUSI
I FEEL EXACTLY AS YOU DO … GOD BLESS YOU!!!! MY HUSBANDS PASSING WAS MY VERY FIRST TASTE OF DEATH TOO AND VERY SUDDEN. HE WAS 44…. I AM NOW 47. I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO DIE FROM THIS BROKENHEART . I JUST DONT WANT TO GO ON WITHOUT HIM ANYMORE…. PLEASE LETS GET IN TOUCH AND TALK AND SEE IF WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER THRU THIS EXCRUTATING MISERY!!! PLEASE EMAIL ME AND WE WILL CALL EACH OTHER AT LEAST WE CAN FEEL ANOTHERS HEART AS BROKEN AS OUR OWN….. MY EMAIL IS sandavols@yahoo.com
ANYONE ELSE HERE PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME TOO…. THESE FORORMS ARE WONDERFUL BUT TYPING AND READING JUST ISN’T ENOUGH ! I NEED A HUMAN VOICE THAT TOTALLY UNDERSTANDS WHAT WE ARE TRYING TO COPE WITH… I’M SURE MANY OF YOU HERE NEED THAT TOO…. GOD BLESS AND LET’S TRY TO COMFORT ONE ANOTHER…. PLEASE GET IN TOUCH SOON!
LOVE TO ALL!!! SANDRA
Help me my husband died at 46 of a brain tumor on Jan 30, 2009, I am 47, he was my soul mate, my best friend and i am so scared, I don’t know how to handle all of this my children are so shocked, i am trying to stay strong in my faith and let them see i am ok, but i am not
Dear Lisa, you can go to the Widownet forum at http://www.widownet.org/, there is a lot of support from people, some who have been widowed for a longer time and give very good advice, including practical advice. If you are feeling desperate it can really help. Try and get enough sleep, remember to eat and drink lots of water, maybe see a doctor if you are in a state of panic, find out if there are any support groups near where you live. Look after yourself, you will feel less scared as time goes by
Hi,
I just lost m husband to brain cancer. He fought since 2003 and the road has been very hard and heart breaking. The past few months have been especially hard as he was no longer able to do chemo and you feel so helpless and alone knowing there is nothing you can do only watch him suffer and fight with doctors. I wouls like to get in contact with anyone who is grieving and who can help me. I feel so alone and afraid to move on.
Hi,
I just lost my husband june 17 2009. He had leukimia which started in dec of 08.he went through chemo. I am so sad but very angry because he did not die from the cancer the chemo had killed it. he died from a fungal infection of the lungs. which no one knew he had until he passed. i talked to him the night before and everything was fine. then the next day he collapsed going the the bathroom in the hospital. I had just left there three days prior from visiting him for a week. he was in chicago for treatment. he pasted three days after i left. i feel like i cant live . but the only thing that is keeping me going is my children. my husband was 35 and together we have 8 children.
Hi,
I lost my spouse on Jan. 31 2009, we weren’t legally married but had been together only 7 years. He was the kindest most loving person I have ever met. We both had been through so many bad relationships, finally I found what I had been searching for my whole life. It’s not fair that I only had him in my life 7 years, everyone says that there is a reason for everything…I get so tired of hearing that, I can’t understand what reason there is for this. I feel as though I’m being punished for something, like I’m not supposed to be happy. And to make everything worse because we were not “married” his family took everything, left me with nothing, not even pictures of him. They treated me like I was some hooker he met yesterday. I was the one who found him in our kitchen on the floor, massive heart attack is what they said it was, I have that image in my head everytime I close my eyes, how do I get rid of that? How do I start over again? How do I do this? When does the pain go away? When do I wake up from this horrible nightmare? When will it feel real that hes gone? When will I stop waiting for the phone to ring or for his truck to pull up? We had no children together, he was 44. He was the love of my life and I don’t want to be here without him. I don’t want to have to do this anymore.
I have just found this website and as I read these notes, my heart is hurting for all of us. I lost my husband May 1, 2008. He was 57. I had 34 wonderful years and yes I am thankful for that – but I wanted him for many more! I know now that I will survive – but sometimes I am so overwhelmingly sad for him —- for all that he is not able to experience and be a part of anymore. He loved me, our children, our grandchildren and life. He was a wonderful example of how to live——–and I still need that!!! Time does help, but………………………………….an up and down road. I still have many blessings in my life – but some days I just plain want my husband and my old life back. I am in the process of trying to decide whether to move “to town” or not. So many memories here – but he is not here! Anyway, just want you all to know that you (we) are not alone – we can lift each other up in thought. You will be all right———-I promise ———not the way we were – but we will go forward. We must – as hard as it is. Our spouses would want that – even thought we don’t want to. Thanks for listening.
I lost my soulmate almost 2 years ago and I still am crying like the day I got the phone call. I lost my mother 30 days later. The two closet people in my life. My mom was sick for months and I guess easier because we expect our parents to die. But noone has been there for me. No o ne called to see if I needed anything but my husbands brother and he is a drunk and he is also grieving badly. I have always heard time heals all wounds but When will I stop crying when will I stop expecting him to walk into the room. I miss him so bad. I had people tell me it had been 30days get over it. “So what he died. So I have no one to call no one to hold me when I cry. Tomorrow would of been our 15 year marriage anniversary we were together 4 years before we got married. He was my best friend and now I have no one. I don’t want to go to doctors all they do is give you alot of drugs and then you are just in a daze. Will I ever stop hurting???? Please Please someone contact me to talk!!!!! terriadoodle@ymail. or my cell 3147571577
My husband passed away this past May 12th…tomorrow it will be 5 months. We moved to Fla from CT almost 5 years ago….I am closing on the 19th and going back. That is where he is buried and where our family and friends are. We have two dogs, a Golden (Amber) and Pug (Oliver)…they bring me comfort, but since yesterday I have been crying so much…….I loved Jim so much. He was a widower (his 1st wife passed in 1989) we married in 1996. He has a son (39) & 3 grand kids in the military. I don’t think he ever got over the first wife’s death, although I know he loved me very much, as he did her……I just want to hug him again and tell him again how much I love him….I know he knows this. This is so painful…all I do is sit on the patio, drink coffee and smoke cigarette…I’m a bundle of nerves….please write to me, anyone. JLGall103@aol.com Thank you, Louise
I’m so alone. I’ve been married for almost 40 years. He’s been gone now for 3 weeks. My heart is broken. I found him dead in our bed. I tried CPR without any success. I’m so in trauma. I knew him since I was 21 and he was 23… Everywhere I turn, something remines me of him. I now know why people soon die after their love one dies. The pain is so great, I can’t take it … Help me please… I loved him so.. I’m living for my family. I don’t want to be here without him…
Hello, I am among the recent grievers loosing my husband of 39 years unexpectantly from a heart attack on Dec. 15 2009. I had no idea how hard this would be and how very very sad, and about the hole in the heart as many have expressed. I too know why widows die soon after their husband’s this is just unbearable. I have gone to a psychologist who helps a little, but the grief support groups and grief counselors not so much in fact make me feel worse. all I want to know is when is this going to be over. I do not want to be one of those widows who cries herself into the grave as my own mother did. I am still working full time and want to have a life, but how? Can anyone provide some hope for me that i will once again be able to smile? I would prefer email comments as I am not good at blogging but will try. My email is kubschm@uwgb.edu. Hope to hear from some of you who can provide hope. Mimi
My husband passed away from cancer in January. He was only 68, and was a wonderful man his whole life. Because we knew the prognosis in advance, I thought I would be better prepared for his death. The grief is overtaking my life, and frankly, I am quite scared of the future, and who will be there for me when I get older. It is so much more intense than I ever dreamed it would be.
I, too, lost my 68 year old husband on January 2, 2010 after a brief 2 weeks from diagnosis to death from Pancreatic Cancer. Like so many of you, I want to be with him (though I know he wouldn’t want me to give up my life just because his is over). I keep going for our family. I am not afraid of the future, (have told our daughter should I become a problem, offload the house and find a nice assisted living facility or whatever is required). Don’t have excitement for the future. Family accomplishments and progress are fine but the fact remains that the chair next to you that should be filled by your love is empty.
Waves of tears at unexpected times – will they ever end? What to do with his clothes? Can’t bear to remove them. We had 45 wonderful years of marriage. I think it will take that many years if not more to recover from this loss (like I’ll live that long, haha). Like others, lots of staring at the television (I rarely watched tv before).
Everything is just so out of whack. Only another widow(er) can understand this. Even though one knows and understands things on the intellectual level, the emotional level doesn’t respond to logic or reason.