Children Killed by Drunk Drivers - Glynn Birch

HEALING THE GRIEVING HEART
Children Killed by Drunk Drivers
Host: Dr. Gloria Horsley
With guest: Glynn Birch
October 27, 2005

G: Hello, I’m Dr. Gloria Horsley. Welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart. My guests and I are here each week to tell you that we’ve made it and so can you. We know that at times you’re feeling hurt, angry, frustrated, and devastated. Twenty-five years ago, a group of women who were feeling many of those same feelings due to their children’s deaths as a result of drunk driving formed an organization that would forever change the societal fabric of our nation. Officially established September 5, 1980, Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) has helped save more than 300,000 lives since its inception. Please join us on the show, Children Killed by Drunk Drivers, by calling our toll free number 1-866-369-3742 with questions or comments regarding the losses in your life. You can also email me through my website, www.HealingTheGrievingHeart.org, about this show or previous shows. If you’ve missed a show, they’re all archived on www.compassionatefriends.org and www.VoiceAmerica.com websites. You can also obtain CDs of the show by going to Compassionate Friends website. This show is sponsored by www.libraryoflife.org. The Library of Life offers you the opportunity to celebrate your child or your sibling’s life by creating a web site. It’s really easy to use and inexpensive. The first fourteen days are free and then a one-time charge of $55. If you go to my site, www.HealingTheGrievingHeart.org, you’ll see that I put up a Library of Life site for my deceased son, Scott. It’s got photos and treasured memories. Love to have you go there and while you’re there, click on Memory-Of.com and look at Scott’s on-line memorial, and you can also leave me a note and you can also look at my granddaughter, Samantha’s site, who we will be adopting from China. You can also reach the Library of Life directly at www.libraryoflife.org. Today our topic is Children Killed by Drunk Drivers, and I am so pleased to have as my guest Glynn Birch, National President of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Glynn’s election this year as the National President of MADD makes him the first male and first minority president in the organization’s 25-year history. On May 3, 1988, Glynn’s son, Courtney, was hit and killed by a drunk driver whose blood level was .26 and was driving with a revoked license and three prior DUI convictions. Glynn has been volunteering his time and talents for more than 15 years advancing MADD’s mission at the local, state and national levels. And now, Glynn, we were talking about how you’ve been made the National President and now you’re into a paid position, right, Glynn?
GB: Yes, that’s correct.
G: Uh, huh. So congratulations on your job! That’s really fantastic.
GB: Well, thank you, Gloria. It’s quite an honor to be National President and knowing the history of how many lives MADD has helped save over the years so it is truly an honor.
G: Well could you tell us a little bit about getting into MADD? How did it happen? With your son, Courtney’s death, tell us a little bit about the whole experience.
GB: Sure. As you mentioned, it was May 3, 1988, again it seems like it was just yesterday when Courtney was being babysat by his grandmother. He and two cousins heard the alluring sound of an ice cream truck in the neighborhood. He was twenty-one months young, followed the two cousins outside and as he was about to cross the street, a car came barreling through going over 70 miles per hour in a residential area. It struck his body and drug his body over 150 feet before the car finally came to a stop and, obviously, Courtney died instantly. It was devastating. My wife at the time was on her way to pick him up and not being able to get there because the streets were blocked off with the emergency vehicles and everything. And noticing a helicopter landing in the street and then finally making it through the crowd and seeing that it was her precious, as we called him, taken to the helicopter and then airlifted away.
G: Oh, my goodness, and then grandma. I know you’re a grandpa and I’m a grandma. And what a thing.
GB: So I guess it was a blessing for me not to know what had happened until I finally reached the hospital that night. It was probably, I think, two-and-a-half hours later and that’s when the sat me down and told me that my youngest son, Courtney, didn’t survive, and then another life began, as I look back. It was totally a different type of life that myself would have as well as my family.
G: Lots that you hadn’t planned.
GB: It didn’t hit me until the next day when I read the newspaper. My neighbor brought the newspaper to me and that’s when I saw that the driver who had killed my son, I thought it was an accident. Really, they told me what happened. I could imagine what took place. But when I read in the newspaper that the driver of the vehicle was a repeat offender, he had been arrested three times previously, had a BAC as you mentioned of .26, which is three times the limit, and was driving on a revoked license, you begin to understand why people are shocked and angered. Why is this guy, first of all, out of jail, let alone in a car?
G: And what came up for you when you read that? You must have just – was it anger, shock? You’re in shock, anyway, it’s only been that day, right?
GB: I think all of it. Anger and shock. But you know, at the same time, you’re grieving. And knowing my son’s gone and it still hasn’t hit me because that day I had to go with a friend to the morgue to identify the body. The damage was so much to his head. None of my family members saw his body. So we had to go with a friend to identify it, and I’m thinking the whole night, “Hey, if we have to go identify the body, maybe it wasn’t my son.” So it doesn’t hit you yet, no.
G: Right. You’re still in denial. The body has a way of protecting itself in the mind, doesn’t it?
GB: Yes, absolutely. So that’s basically how shortly after that, my attorney suggested I call MADD.
G: Did you see him before you read it in the paper? Did you identify the body before or after?
GB: It was the next day.
G: But did you read the paper before you went to identify the body or after?
GB: Yes. Before.
G: Oh, my goodness, so you hadn’t even identified the body and so there’s some awareness coming there, you read that this child has been killed, that’s your child, and you haven’t even seen him yet and you’re thinking well, maybe it wasn’t him, as you go there? Wow.
GB: Of course, reality starts to hit you every hour. The hints that it is real. Like I said, going there to the morgue and seeing my friend come out of the room and seeing his face and knowing it’s bad news.
G: Did you see him or just your friend?
GB: Just my friend.
G: And he came out and told you and so on. Did you hug him? Did he hug you?
GB: Yeah. It was again the pastor from my church that was there with me. Yeah, then you start to think, what is going on? And you try to start putting your life together and again you go through the steps of planning for the funeral and then also making plans to see if you can make a difference in court. Because this guy, hey, what’s he doing out of jail anyway? You gotta fight back.
G: So it’s kind of two minds. One mind is grieving terribly and the other mind is planning.
GB: Yeah, and that’s tough. It’s hard to describe but people don’t realize what you have to actually go through, the grieving. And also keeping a mind enough to make a difference in the court. That’s what you have to do is stay strong. It’s a challenge.
G: That’s incredible. You have to stay strong. So your lawyer suggested that you get in touch with MADD the very next day.
GB: Actually within that week. It’s probably the best advice anyone has given me because I did make the phone call and I’m thinking, you know, Lena, who is my wife, her and I would go down there, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, I’m thinking, yeah, you need to go. Having seen my son being airlifted, she was devastated. She couldn’t make it to that meeting.
G: So she saw them pick him up and put him in.
GB: Yeah.
G: But they didn’t take her with them, obviously, right, in the airlift? So she just sees him fly off in the air. That’s got to be very tough, very tough.
GB: So once we made that contact with MADD, they showed compassion. I met two women who lost their daughters, both of them were young, I’d say between the ages of 20 and 22, the President of MADD and also the victim advocate named Jan. And Jan and I connected that day and she kind of helped me, allowed me to grieve, something that I was not able to do through that week going through the funeral and everyone telling you as a man, “You gotta stay strong for your family.” And she allowed me to cry.
G: Gave you that space.
GB: And the hugs, and oh, man, it was so comforting to have somebody that understood what I was about to go through. Even though she was a woman, she understood the grieving journey that I was about to have to take.
G: Yes, it’s not just at the moment, is it? It’s the journey she understood. Well, I want to take a break right now. It’s time for our first break, and I’m your host, Dr. Gloria Horsley, and please stay tuned to hear more from my guest, Glynn Birch, National President of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Glynn’s election this year as the National President of MADD makes him the first male and minority president in the organization’s 25-year history. In 1988, Glynn’s son, Courtney, was hit and killed by a drunk driver whose blood level was three times that of the legal level and his license was revoked with three prior DUI convictions. Today’s show is sponsored by the Library of Life. The Library of Life offers you the opportunity to celebrate your child or sibling’s life by creating a website. It’s easy to use, very inexpensive, first fourteen days are free, and then a one-time charge of $55 and it will be on the web forever. Check it out at www.libraryoflife.org or my website www.HealingTheGrievingHeart.org. If you’d like to join our show today, please call our toll free number 1-866-369-3742. You can also email me by going to my website, www.HealingTheGrievingHeart.org. Please stay tuned with Dr. Gloria Horsley and Glynn Birch.
Welcome back to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m your host, Dr. Gloria Horsley, and our topic today is Children Killed by Drunk Drivers. This show is sponsored by www.libraryoflife.org. Library of Life technology has made it possible for me to create my own memorial website for my deceased son, Scott, and also a celebration site for my new granddaughter. It’s easy to use and it’s on the web permanently and it’s only $55 to have it permanently on the web. Check it out by visiting my website at www.HealingTheGrievingHeart.org or go directly to www.libraryoflife.org and learn how to set up your own site. CDs of Healing the Grieving Heart can be purchased through www.compassionatefriends.org or by calling toll free 1-877-969-0010 or visiting www.compassionatefriends.org. Remember, if you’ve missed a show, they are archived on www.compassionatefriends.org and www.VoiceAmerica.com websites. If you want to join our show, the number is 1-866-369-3742 and you can email me at my website, www.HealingTheGrievingHeart.org. Our topic today is Children Killed by Drunk Drivers and I’m very pleased to have as my guest, Glynn Birch, National President of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Glynn’s election this year as the National President of MADD makes him the first male and minority president in the organization’s 25-year history. In 1988, Glynn’s son, Courtney, was hit and killed by a drunk driver. Glynn has been volunteering his time and talents for more than 15 years advancing MADD’s mission on a local, state, and national level. Well, Glynn, again welcome back to the show. And before we took our break we were talking about your son, Courtney’s death, and your first MADD meetings and how supportive they were and how helpful. And I don’t know that much about MADD because my son was killed in an automobile accident but with no drunk driving involved, but could you tell me what it would be like for our listeners to go to a meeting and how often do they meet and what is that like?
GB: Sure, and again, I’m sorry for your loss and know that you understand about surviving. And that’s one thing that really stands out in my mind when I made by first contact with MADD and my victim advocate whose name was Janet Duddigan is she let me know convincingly that I can survive this and the reason why I understood that and felt comfortable is because she had survived by losing her daughter as well.
G: You just saw her there and knew that we could make it.
GB: Yes. She really gave me the comfort level to understand that and again, it’s nothing that happened in one visit or two visits, but several visits that brought me to a comfort level to come back. It was inviting for me to come back because I knew I could get something from the meetings there, and that’s what is so important about MADD because we help survivors survive and that’s what she did for me.
G: How often are the meetings?
GB: It all depends on where you are and the chapter. Generally, we have meetings once a month every month and you can go to the MADD office, though, any day at any time and share time with a victim advocate as you may need it. So individually, we have a trained victim advocate that can assist with the emotional support, also give more information be it through court procedures that you’re needing or just information on how you can survive. Obviously, financially it may hurt you because of the funeral costs and expenses. You may be out of work for a few months or several months and you may have incurred injuries that may take you out of work. And they can give you information on how to get financial aid and support during your hardship.
G: How many offices do you have around the United States?
GB: Around the United States, it’s about 600 different chapters.
G: And people would go on the web to find out how to get support.
GB: Yes, they can, at www.madd.org, and we have over 1200 trained victim advocates nationwide that can assist. And while I’m at it, I want to make sure I mention a phone number that’s new that we just started this year. It’s 24 hours, 7 days a week, it’s 1-877-MADHELP. A trained advocate or counselor will be on the phone to assist them and that way we can direct them where to go locally and get the help from MADD, so we want to be there.
G: Okay, and we’ll mention that again at the end of the show. Glynn, could you talk about your court experience a little bit?
GB: Sure. MADD was there every step of the way. They helped me. First of all, going through court. That’s the first time I’ve ever experienced court other than a traffic ticket. It’s scary. However, an advocate being there side by side with me every day helped me. They were there to assist me with a victim impact statement which gives me the right to tell the judge how my life was impacted. How the offender impacted my family’s life, so I have a say in court, and they helped me write the statement so I could address the court system. And being there with the support of other volunteers, it made a major difference not only in the court system but for me to know that I had somebody to help with the support.
G: How did you feel about seeing the man who hit your son the first time?
GB: Wow, that was tough. My whole family felt it. I’m very uncomfortable. He had a daughter there as well and, you know, she thought of him as her father, of course, not doing anything wrong. But it was tough looking at him, but we, of course, knew by what MADD was suggesting, make sure that we stayed pretty calm and we would make it through and get a guilty verdict. It was good seeing the man who did kill my son. It helped make it more real in our minds. He wasn’t a monster as most people think, they view this person. He’s just an average guy making a bad choice and obviously his choice caused the death of my son.
G: It’s pretty incredible. I was thinking about it having you on the show that here’s a person who is an alcoholic and who now is not drinking at all. I mean for years he’s not drinking any more. It’s an interesting idea of the world, isn’t it, to think. I don’t know what he’s thinking. It’s very strange. We’ve got a caller. Let’s take a call. Hello. Who am I speaking to?
E: This is Eileen.
G: Hi Eileen. Welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart.
E: Hi. Thank you for taking my call. Glynn, it was a pleasure to meet you. I attended the MADD conference in Washington and I really enjoyed the workshops and the events that they held there. They are truly doing so much work for us. My son was killed two years ago by a drunk driver, a first-time offender. My question, of course, the devastation that my husband and I have been through, he was our only child and he was 17 and a half years old. What are we doing to prevent this from happening for first-time offenders? There’s no way that we can put a price on our loss or on the victims who have survived these horrible tragedies or crashes, but what are we doing to prevent this from happening from first-time offenders? I don’t know if there’s a way that we can do that but I certainly think that they should be looking at that because of the cost alone, but then, like I said, you cannot put a price on the loss of a person.
G: Eileen, before Glynn answers that, I just want to say, I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. My son was 17 also and it’s a horrendous thing, and I’m very sorry about that, and Glynn could you help her out?
GB: Sure, and thanks for calling in, Eileen. Two years, gosh, it’s just like yesterday. Not much time. I’m glad you brought this up because it’s not only the repeat offenders that are out there killing, it’s first-time offenders. Two-thirds are first-time offenders and we know that first-time offenders doesn’t mean that’s the first time they were caught. So what we are doing nationally is we’re making sure that we have stronger alliance on law enforcement, just talking quickly. Sobriety check points. We are heavy on having more publicized sobriety check points because a scientifically-based study that shows that they will reduce alcohol fatalities by at least 20% so it’s making sure the driver is aware so they don’t get behind the wheel is the answer and then, of course, making sure that we have the strong enforcement there. Now we have to make the public understand that it is not that monster as I tried to describe a little bit earlier that repeat offender that’s doing all the killing. It’s people who are the casual drinkers that make a mistake that one time that put themselves at risk and our kids at risk. So we are making a difference more so now and making sure that the public is aware. It’s not just repeat offenders, but everyone is at risk.
G: Eileen, thank you so much for calling in to the show and good luck and I’m glad to hear that you’re going to MADD and getting involved with groups. I think it’s really important and later on, you might want to try The Compassionate Friends, too.
E: I’ve been involved with both. I’m actually a member of the MADD New Hampshire chapter and now I’m on a mission in memory of my son because no parent should have to go through this.
G: Absolutely. Well, blessings on you and we’re there with you and take care of yourself, and thanks for calling in. Do we have another caller?
K: Yes, this is Karl.
G: Hi, Karl. Welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart.
K: Yes, I’m calling from Cheyenne, Wyoming.
G: Right. Good to talk to you. Did you have a question?
K: Good morning, Gloria.
G: Good morning. Karl, can you stay on until after break?
K: I sure can.
G: Okay, we’re going to take a break now and coming up to break and I’m your host, Dr. Gloria Horsley. Today’s show is sponsored by the Library of Life. The Library of Life offers you the opportunity to celebrate your child or sibling’s life by creating a web site. It’s easy to use, very inexpensive, first fourteen days are free, and then a one-time charge for only $55 and it will be on the web forever. Check it out on my site, www.HealingTheGrievingHeart.org, or go to www.libraryoflife.org. Please stay tuned to hear more from my guest, Glynn Birch, National President of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Glynn is the first male and minority president in the organization’s 25-year history. In 1988, Glynn’s son, Courtney, was hit and killed by a drunk driver. Glynn and I will be talking more with our guests on Healing the Grieving Heart, and if you’d like to join our show, our number is 1-866-369-3742, or you can email me by going to my website, www.HealingTheGrievingHeart.org.
Welcome back to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m your host, Dr. Gloria Horsley, and our topic today is Children Killed by Drunk Drivers. This show is sponsored by www.libraryoflife.org offering you the opportunity to celebrate a friend or family member’s life by creating a website. It’s easy to use and very inexpensive. The first fourteen days are free and then for a one-time charge of $55 it’ll be on the web forever. Please visit my website, www.HealingTheGrievingHeart.org, click on Library of Life and click on Memory-Of.com and look at my son, Scott’s on-line memorial. You can also click on Celebration and see the website for my granddaughter, Samantha, who is being adopted from China. You can reach the Library of Life directly at www.libraryoflife.org. My guest today is Glynn Birch, National President of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Glynn’s election this year as the National President of MADD makes him the first male and minority president in the organization’s 25-year history. In 1988, Glynn’s son, Courtney, was hit and killed by a drunk driver whose blood level was .26 and was driving with a revoked license and three prior DUI convictions. Glynn has been volunteering for more than 15 years with MADD and advancing their cause. Glynn, before break we were talking about people whose children had been killed in accidents. We’ve taken a call from Eileen and now we have asked Karl to wait on the line for us. Karl, do we have you on?
K: Yes, I’m still here.
G: Okay, Karl, welcome to the show, Healing the Grieving Heart. It’s great to have you call in. I know your daughter was killed in a DUI accident.
K: Yes. My daughter was killed seven-and-a-half years ago. It was a kind of a very complicated situation wherein she was killed by my ex-wife. She was a passenger in a vehicle operated by my ex-wife.
G: And you’re a highway patrolman, is that right?
K: Yes, I’m a state trooper and so it kind of adds a little bit more layers of complications, let’s put it that way.
G: Glynn was saying that maybe you were on the cover of something of MADD. Is that right? Is that you?
K: Yes. My daughter’s story was picked up by Mothers Against Drunk Driving and they did an initiative on child endangerment which unfortunately my daughter’s story was a perfect fit for. Impaired drivers transporting children while impaired.
G: As you know, we are very, very sorry to hear about your daughter and everything that’s happened. Did you have a question for Glynn or I?
K: Well, I just wanted to first off say hello. Glynn, I’ve made your acquaintance several years ago.
GB: Yes, I remember you.
K: I also had the honor to meet Dr. Horsley so it’s good to hear both of you together. I’m a member of MADD and I’m actively involved in a lot of things that MADD does both on a state and national level. I’m also a member of Compassionate Friends and have done similar things on a national level. I’ve been quite involved with Compassionate Friends. So, number one, I want to offer kudos to you two and all that you do, and, number two, I suppose I just want to offer encouragement because I have certainly in my lifetime encountering the death of my child was an experience that I just couldn’t have made it through without support groups such as Compassionate Friends and Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
G: So your suggestion is to our other folks that are the line, this is a good thing to do, get involved.
K: Absolutely. In terms of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, as a state trooper I have always needed their activism in the background because we would have the same frustrations of seeing defendants set free and slack penalties and problems in the courtroom with the societal view of impaired driving and MADD was a forceful presence in getting change in the system. And then when the worst of the worst happened in my life and I lost my daughter because of this kind of an offense, I had to lean heavily first on MADD for support in what do I do next, how do I construct my victim impact statement, how do I even handle this?
G: It’s incredible at having it be your ex-wife, too. That was her daughter who died in the crash, right?
K: That’s correct.
GB: This is Glynn, Karl, and again thank you for being on the call and, I tell you, your story is incredible but it’s a major inspiration for others that are out there to know that you can survive. I’ve met you many times and I’ll tell you, seeing your child on the cover is an inspiration to me knowing first of all that you, an officer that sees what happens out there on the highways, secondly, having your wife be the person who killed your loved one and to battle that and to still go on and make a difference and be a survivor as well is all a true inspiration for all the callers that are listening now that you can make it. You can survive and it’s not an easy journey and I’m sure you’ll be able to tell them that; however, you are really a true inspiration and thanks for being on the call and keeping up your work and your efforts are saving hundreds of lives, I’m sure because of the message. The child does not have a choice, and every child deserves a designated driver, a driver who is sober, and you’re getting out that message with your story and again, thanks for calling in, but you’re an inspiration for me.
G: You are for me, too, Karl. You’re a great guy and thank you so much. I think we have another caller now, Joan from New York?
J: I thank you for taking my phone call. Our younger son was killed in a car crash involving a driver with a blood alcohol of .24 and we attended the MADD meetings, both the chapter meetings and the support meetings that they offered. And our MADD advocate, which was Sue, was very helpful. Well two years passed before the case of the state versus the driver went to court. At the end of the trial, the jurors found the impaired driver guilty of DUI, but not guilty of vehicular homicide, and I can’t even have words that express how devastated our family was that the criminal justice system failed because this man was not held accountable for his actions when he made the choice to drink and drive that night that resulted in our son’s death. We quit attending MADD meetings because we did not feel like we belonged any more because of the verdict and now when people ask, “how did your child die?” I can’t, just to be politically correct, I can’t say, “A drunk driver killed my son,” for fear that he or his family could sue us. And I’m just wondering there’s probably no easy answer for that of how you answer a question that’s almost like when you meet somebody and they say, “How many children do you have?” My other question is do you have any suggestions or advice as to how a person can work through their hurt, anger, and disappointment and the helplessness after going through the legal system as we did?
G: Well, Joan, first of all I want to say I’m very, very sorry about your loss and your journey and thank you so much for calling this show. Glynn there are a couple of really tough questions and what a tough story.
GB: I empathize with your hurt and your pain. You brought up a good point because often a guilty verdict brings a little closure on the court system because you did win something and having not closure, I’m sure the struggle and surviving is a little bit tougher, and what I suggest again is staying in touch with MADD because the victim advocate is there to support you throughout the grieving process and you need a support system. We want to be a part of that support system but you may need people at home as well with family and friends to help you along with those needs. But staying active and making a difference with your story is, I think, very positive and fulfilling as you’re still going through that journey of accepting and it takes a while to accept, as I mentioned, because you don’t have a guilty verdict. But as we know, it’s the accepting of the death that we have to really rely on and hope that we can become better survivors instead of the verdict itself, and that takes awhile. It’s a long journey, but I encourage you to keep up the faith and realize, too, that something positive can surely come out of your efforts and it will.
G: Now, one of the things that I think Joan has a bit of a problem on, Glynn, is that one of the things that helps us to deal with this and get it straight is telling our story. It sounds like she’s having a bit of trouble telling her story because she can’t blame the person who killed her child driving. And she probably wouldn’t be able to talk about it at MADD, right? She could talk to her victim’s advocate maybe about her feelings. Would that be a safe place?
GB: We accept anyone. It doesn’t have to be a verdict for us to help them. We want to help all the survivors, as many as we can, all victims. So, yes, she can still get the help from the victim advocate and it’s good to tell your story however the verdict comes out.
G: And you can tell your story about that you’re angry. But obviously, the problem with Joan is she has to have special places to tell it. Sometimes it’s good maybe to even have a therapist who has had a child die and has maybe been through it where you can go let it all hang out where it will be very private.
GB: And that was the advice that helped me through my grieving is I took the advice of my victim advocate and got professional counseling to help me through that.
G: As a therapist, I know sometimes you need the opportunity to keep telling your story over and over and be angry about it and be unreasonable and be every way you want to be, look at it from every direction. So you might want to think about that, Joan, if it’s still kind of riding you there. But thank you very much for calling in to this show and again, good luck, and as Glynn and I say, we’ve made it and we know you can, too.
GB: Yeah, thanks for sharing.
J: Thank you very much.
G: Well, Glynn, I wanted to ask you about your anger. I think that’s a little bit of what Joan was talking about. How did you deal with your anger? What happened with it?
GB: After the verdict, you know, you get that out of the way, but then you have to keep living, keep surviving, and as I mentioned to you, I started getting counseling and support with my family and then doing things, looking at how I can help and still get that message across about my son’s death, and MADD was the perfect venue for me to be able to do that. One way again was telling and talking about my son’s death. It became more of a reality each and every day and every year thereafter. Very painful. I remember locking myself up in rooms at times and just wondering, what am I going to do? But the support groups that I had with my contact with my family and all helped me make it through each day thereafter. So I had a way of talking about it and MADD gave me that avenue to continue to talk about it. And that was in front of people who were offenders who were court sentenced to hear my story and how it’s affected my life and that’s really what happened over the years.
G: I’m sorry to interrupt you, but we’re going to have to take a break and when we come back, I want to get into that a little bit in helping people deal with anger over these kinds of losses. Also when we get back, I’d like to know if there are any areas, Glynn, that you feel we’ve missed or comments you want to make before the show ends. It’s time for our final break, and I’m your host, Dr. Gloria Horsley. This show has been brought to you by libraryoflife.org which offers a unique way to celebrate the life and to share your memories on line forever. Libraryoflife.org offers you the opportunity to create memorial or celebration websites that are easy to use and edit. You can share your memories or tell a life story with pictures, audio and video clips. Check it out at libraryoflife.org or on my website, healingthegrievingheart.org. Please stay tuned for more from Dr. Gloria Horsley and Glynn Birch.
Welcome back to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m your host, Dr. Gloria Horsley. My guest today is Glynn Birch, National President of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Glynn’s election this year as the National President of MADD makes him the first male and minority president in the organization’s 25-year history. In 1988, Glynn’s son, Courtney, was hit and killed by a drunk driver. Glynn has been volunteering his time and talents for more than 15 years advancing MADD’s mission at the local and national level. Glynn, before break I asked you if you felt there were any points that we missed. Did you have any?
GB: Yes, I just wanted to make sure that everybody understands that our victim advocates are just waiting to help as many victims as we can be it injured or bereaved. Again, we could have the number, 1-877-MADHELP where they can call and talk to us. 1-877-MADHELP is the number that you can contact us 24 hours 7 days a week.
G: And I’m sure they can get that on the web, too, right?
GB: Yes. MADD.org for anything and everything they want to know about MADD. It covers our victim services as well and outlines what we can offer and how we can help. And we’re talking about moving beyond the anger. The anger after you come to the realization that your son or daughter or whomever has been killed and how MADD, for example, could help and I know speaking about my son’s story was one way, helping people with victim advocacy is another way. I’m certified to help as well. But then there is legislation work that people who are interested in helping us in that way or volunteering their time. There’s many, many things that they can do to help them move beyond the anger and help and remember their loved one in a positive way. We just want to be there and help them as much as we can. So it’s an organization that has, again, many affiliates out there across the nation and it’s almost been our best-kept secret because as I travel throughout the U.S., lots of folks don’t understand that we’ve offered the free victim services.
G: Yeah. I thought that was interesting. I didn’t know that. I knew you did a lot of legislation and I know some of the things that you’ve really been responsible for and your success of the designated driver idea, that came from MADD.
GB: Yeah. We’ve made that a household name, now.
G: And now we all know what it is. Let’s find a designated driver and hand me your keys and all those kinds of things that we’re all aware of now. And then the minimum drinking age in the United States is what now, twenty-one?
GB: Twenty-one now. And every state has the .08 as the illegal limit.
G: What was it before you started?
GB: It was .10 so we’ve come a long ways on that. And I hope with it being our 25th anniversary and the first dad to be National President that people understand that we’re not an organization of just mothers. We’re fathers, uncles, aunts, children, anyone who is a concerned citizen and victims can be a part of our organization and we could make a difference. It’s going to take all of us to make a difference.
G: Now how was it? How did it impact you being a male and an African-American attending your first meeting? Was it any different for you?
GB: I was hesitant because of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, the name. Any time I saw MADD on national television it was a spokeswoman, a mother. So I was surprised to know that they accepted men and again it’s just making the first impression and as for minorities, we have a diverse outreach for anyone and so by me bringing up minority, I hope that people understand that we’re there for everyone. So, yeah, I was hesitant at first because of the name but our makeup is about 60/40—60% women, 40% men. Men are involved and mentored as well, but men also want to find a solution.
G: So do you see them a little different? Their planning and working on solution more than women, would you say? How do men cope with loss? Is it different than women?
GB: Yes. It is different. We have support groups for men because men do grieve differently than women. Children grieve differently than adults so we have to recognize that and look at it and how we can improve and accept them. As I mentioned, men can’t cry. That’s what they say. But we all know, everyone’s human, and we cry. We hurt just like any other human being so we’ve got to be able to have a support group and support systems out there as well.
G: I wanted to get back to little Courtney. Do you have any rituals that your family does to remember Courtney?
GB: You know, I journal every so often. And I go by, when I’m home, I may think about him and find myself going by his grave probably, it’s not an average, I may go by there once or twice a month or maybe a few months that pass, but whenever I think about him very strongly, I go there. When I go through grocery stores, his favorite fruit was bananas. I’ve got to walk through the bananas and I’m smiling and I’ll get me one or two bananas, and I’ll buy some just so I could take it home and just remember how he used to stuff that whole banana in his mouth. You know, there’s good feelings and remembrances that I have that I’ll always cherish and those are the things that help me survive over the years is remembering the good memories about him.
G: If you have one suggestion to give to other people who have recently lost their child, what would it be?
GB: I would say, keep the faith and realize that you can survive and find a support system to help you survive. I wish there were more out there and again MADD is there, and I want everyone to realize that we’re waiting for them and if we can help, we will, we want to. So please, get a support system no matter where it is, be it your family or professional counseling, or a group like Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
G: And Compassionate Friends, as well, they’re out there for you.
GB: Absolutely. They’re great friends with MADD.
G: Well, it’s time to close our show and, Glynn, I want to thank you so much for being on the show. It’s just been a pleasure to talk to you and it’s a wonderful thing to know you’re there as National President of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). I want to say that we know that Courtney must have been a very very and is a very special little guy. I know all my listeners and I want to thank you for volunteering your time and talents and now in a paid position for MADD, and thank you so much for being on the show.
GB: Sure. It’s shows like this that help make a major difference so I encourage everyone out there listening, you can make it through. You can become a survivor.
G: Absolutely. This show will be repeated again today at 12:00 noon Pacific time if you’d like to listen to it and then it will be on archives of www.compassionatefriends.org and also it will be on www.Health.VoiceAmerica.com so please tuned and listen if you missed this show, and we’ll be making CDs of this show and they’ll probably be out in maybe a month. So thanks again so much for being on the show, Glynn.
GB: Sure. Thank you.
G: This show is sponsored today by libraryoflife.org offering you the opportunity to celebrate your family’s milestones and memories by creating a website. It’s easy to author and edit and a one-time charge of $55 will keep your site on the web forever. CDs of Healing the Grieving Heart can also be purchased through TheCompassionateFriends.org or by calling 1-877-969-0010 or visiting compassionatefriends.org website. My guest next week will be Tom Reilly, best-selling author of Next of Kin: A Brother’s Journey to Wartime Vietnam. His is truly an amazing story of courage and love. Please tune in, and remember to tune in next week. This is Dr. Gloria. Tune in Thursday at 9:00 Pacific Standard Time, 12:00 Eastern for more of Healing the Grieving Heart, a show of hope and renewal and support. Remember, others have been there before you and made it. You can, too. You need not walk alone. Thanks for listening. I’m Dr. Gloria Horsley.