No Chance To Say Good-bye: A Son Killed By Terrorists - Ceil Buonocore

HEALING THE GRIEVING HEART
No Chance To Say Good-bye: A Son Killed By Terrorists
Host: Dr. Gloria Horsley
With guest: Ceil Buonocore
August 18, 2005

G: Welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart, the show that mimes the depth of human tragedy, the death of a child, and finds hope, courage, and a will to go on. We know you hurt. We’ve been there. Have faith. The heart always heals. You may think you will never be able to function again, but my guests and I will be here every week to tell you that you will survive, live, and can even thrive. The sun will shine. Even after a devastating death, all is possible. We have made it and so can you. You can love, open your heart, and be happy again. Please join us on the show by calling our toll-free number 1-866-369-3742 or email me at gchorsley@aol.com with questions or comments regarding the losses in your life. This and previous shows are archived on theCompassionateFriends.org as well as www.Health.VoiceAmerica.com websites. Today’s topic, No Chance to Say Good Bye, A Son Killed by Terrorists, is especially heart-rending as the newspapers, the radio, and the televisions broadcasts are filled with acts of terrorism. But the event that brings us together on this show did not happen today, but on December 27, 1985, twenty years ago. Go back with me and see John Buonocore III, a 20-year-old Dickinson College junior, dark and handsome. Captain of the lacrosse team, a Latin and History major, with loving parents, Ceil and John, Senior, who sent him off for a semester abroad in Rome. It’s two days after Christmas and John is anxious to get home in time for his father’s 50th birthday. We see John standing at the Trans World Airlines check-in counter at Rome’s Leonardo da Vinci Airport. Suddenly, terrorists began hurling hand grenades and firing rifles at holiday travelers. John Buonocore is hit and is one of five Americans killed in the attack. Senseless killing of innocent people for personal reasons and political gain. The cutting short of a beautiful life. Today, I am so honored and pleased to have as my guest on Healing the Grieving Heart, John’s mother, Ceil Buonocore. Hi, Ceil.
C: Hi, Gloria.
G: Welcome from Wilmington, is that where you are?
C: Right.
G: Well, Ceil, before we move into this show, I want to tell our listeners something about John’s mom. Ceil Buonocore is not a person who sits still. She has spoken to the families and victims of Pan Am flight 103. She’s been a guest on many radio and television programs, helping out families who are victims of terrorism. She has worked with the 9/11 families and spoken to them. In 2004, Ceil received the prestigious Jefferson Award presented to ordinary people who do extraordinary things. Ceil is a past board member of the Compassionate Friends and she is currently a chapter leader of the Brandywine Hundred Chapter in Wilmington, Delaware. Well, Ceil, I’ve introduced the events around John’s death at the Rome airport twenty years ago. Could you tell our listeners more about the events surrounding his death?
C: Well, I found out about John’s death by myself. No one called. I got up early in the morning on the day he was to return, turned on the TV and saw that there was a terrorist attack in the Rome airport. I made countless phone calls until someone told me that I should call the State Department. Not knowing how to do that, I called our Senator Roth’s office, and they patched me through to the State Department. The young lady told me they didn’t have the list of the dead and wounded and I needed to call back in 45 minutes. I told her I’d call back in a half hour because I couldn’t wait 45 minutes and she told me that John was listed as one of the dead. I started screaming. She said I need to speak to someone in control. I need to give you a number in Rome to verify this information. I said to her, “I’m an R.N. I’m in control. Give me the number.” I stayed in control for a very long time.
G: Wow. That must have been something calling there and verifying and obviously still having hope.
C: Right. Absolutely. I thought that I didn’t know when I was looking at the television they were showing the picture of his body on the floor and I just couldn’t think about that until one of his friends came that night and said, there he is, he’s right there, letter “C.”
G: That was on his sweater?
C: No. That was how they identified the dead bodies. They had letter “A,” “B,” “C.” There were quite a few people killed. There were like 16 people killed from many countries.
G: And they just called him letter “C.” Didn’t you recognize him by his sweater? I remember you saying that?
C: Yes, he had a ski sweater that we sent him and he was lying face down. He had that ski sweater on. It was a horrific scene that I would just run through my brain constantly. I didn’t think I was going to make it. I didn’t want to make it. Day by day, I got a little bit stronger. Now, I can’t even conjure up the pain that I had.
G: Tell us about how you found out. So you’re alone on the phone with the State Department, basically. What happened then? You got in touch with your husband. Was he home? And how about family members?
C: My husband and my surviving son, Todd, who was 16 at the time, were out on an errand because they thought John was fine. John would be fine. Don’t worry, mom. It’d be great. When they came in and they heard the news I had just received, my husband immediately went to bed. I had to help him. And Todd was so beside himself, I called friends of his to come and be with him, and I had to handle a lot of things. So I’m happy to say that Todd is newly married. He’s 36 now and he’s doing very well and I’m very proud of him. He’s been a big help to me with the Compassionate Friends.
G: Ah, yes. And we do want to talk about that a little later. Could you tell us something about getting a body home and what happens to people after there’s a death overseas?
C: Well, at that time, they sent me a telegram and told me all of these ways I could dispose of John’s body and the prices and I had to immediately wire them. Now this is a weekend, this is in 1985 before ATMs, and I had to wire them $900 immediately if I wanted his body sent home. So, fortunately, someone was here to be able to do that for me. The most help I got really was from Senator Roth. We have a small state in Delaware. We have two senators and Biden is our Senator and Senator Roth, who is now deceased. They didn’t know when they were going to get his body home.
G: Did the Senator talk to you directly?
C: Yes, he came to the house. Senator Biden was at the funeral. They are very supportive. Because of his intervention, John’s body was returned on New Years Eve, and it was all completely covered in lead because they always have to worry about anybody trying to ship something that shouldn’t be shipped. We were able to view his body.
G: So, was that real meaningful for you?
C: Yes. I had to see him, and I let the funeral director, who was also a bereaved parent and was very helpful, and I asked him to make the decision. He said that would be fine. He agreed that it would be all right for everyone to view John’s body. Because a lot of his friends were here, it was like a big party. We had a hundred people in the house at least and all of his classmates who were home from college. They were here every day. I really thought it was important for them to see him also.
G: So you all went to the funeral home, is that where the body was?
C: Yes.
G: So that’s quite a horrendous thing. I’m sure when you deal with speaking to families who have had family members die overseas. Of course, some of them probably didn’t have the remains to see. But, in talking to them, that’s quite a thing to get a body back from overseas isn’t it?
C: Yes. It’s difficult. As I said, I can’t say how fortunate I was that we got some help.
G: What would you suggest to people who have to do that?
C: Well, again, the best thing to do would be to contact their representative or their senator and ask for help there, because the senators have a direct line to getting things done, that’s for sure. So I would think that would be helpful. And I know that they are very big on constituent services. I was amazed because a young lady in Senator Roth’s office, it was a Friday between Christmas and New Years, and this was amazing that someone answered phone, because normally people aren’t there. I was fortunate.
G: Were you a political person before or just a citizen that was able to get a response?
C: John had helped with his campaign. He knew his son and he was handing out things a couple of years before.
G: But nothing big.
C: No, not all. They would do that now. Biden and Carper would, they’d be there.
G: That’s wonderful to hear that people will come forward. Well, it’s time for us to go to break right now, Ceil. You’re listening to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m Dr. Gloria and my guest today is Ceil Buonocore whose son, John, was killed in the Rome Airport terrorist attacks on December 27, 1985. Ceil has used her experience to aid other families impacted by terrorist attacks including Pan Am 103 and 9/11. She has served on the board of directors of the Compassionate Friends and has received the prestigious Jefferson Award presented to ordinary people who would do extraordinary things without expectation, recognition, or reward. If you would like to join our show with comments for me or Ceil, please call our toll free number 1 866 369-3742 or email me at gchorsley@aol.com. This show and previous shows are archived at www.theCompassionateFriends.org.
Welcome back to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m your host Dr. Gloria and my guest today is Ceil Buonocore whose son, John, was killed in the Rome Airport terrorist attacks on December 27, 1985. Ceil has used her experience to aid other families impacted by terrorist attacks including Pan Am 103 and 9/11. She has served on the board of directors of the Compassionate Friends and has received the prestigious Jefferson Award presented to ordinary people who do extraordinary things without expectation or reward. If you would like to join our show, please call in at our toll free number 1 866 369-3742 or email me at gchorsley@aol.com. This show and previous shows are archived at www.theCompassionateFriends.org and www.Health.VoiceAmerica.com websites. Well, Ceil, before break we were talking a little bit about having a child die overseas and bringing them home and some of the trauma of all that. Could you talk to us a little bit about what you do and what you tell people who have been involved with say, the Pan Am attacks or 9/11 when you speak?
C: I spoke to the Pan Am 103 group about six months after it happened. I told them of my experience. It had been three years then since John died. I tried to give them hope for the future. And then I read them my favorite poem by Iris Bolton who wrote My Son, My Son. And that’s something we say at the end of each meeting and you have a choice. You can be destroyed by it or you can destroy others, but you have a choice. You have to accept it and go on living.
G: Do you know that poem by heart? Can you give it to us or is it long or do you have a little piece of it?
C: It’s a long one. I don’t know why, I’ll never know why, I don’t have to know why. I don’t like it. I don’t have to like it. What I have to do is make a choice about my living. What I want to do is accept it and go on living. The choice is mine. I thought tragedy happened only to others. But I know now that life is tenuous and valuable so I’m choosing to go on valuing my friends and family in a way never possible before.
G: That’s lovely.
C: And that says it all. You have your grieving time, but then you make a choice. And you have to choose to live and as the say in TCF, hoping is healing. I have gotten more help by giving help. The love that you get back is incredible.
G: Now that is one of the things I’d like to say about that for early grief, say in the first or second year, I think we’re having others take care of us, would you say?
C: Right. Absolutely.
G: We’re not really helping other people yet.
C: No.
G: And you were saying after three years you were able to talk to — Do you think that what you said after three years was different than what you told the 9/11 families after, what, 18 years? 17 years?
C: Well, I’m not really sure, to be honest. I do know that I certainly told them about the poem, but what I did mostly, I gave a little talk and then we sat around in a discussion group and so we answered a lot of questions that they had.
G: What kinds of questions would you think people would have early on? Do you hear?
C: Well, they want to die. They plot their suicide and we say to them, “that’s normal. Look at us. That’s why you come to Compassionate Friends because you learn that these terrible thoughts that you have are normal, and it’s okay to have the feeling. You just don’t act on it.”
G: Right, and you also generally, it’s been my experience that people don’t really have a plan. They just want to join their family member and be with them.
C: Because the pain is so difficult, and that’s sometimes how they feel and it’s a common feeling so they feel better when they hear that, “Oh, okay, others have felt that way.”
G: Right, that they want to join their family member. And then I also have heard people, even my daughter saying, “I should have been in the car. I should have been there. I should have been with him.”
C: Right. We take on a huge load of grief. We feel that we’re responsible. I thought about if I hadn’t insisted my son go to a school that taught Latin, he never would have had an interest in the classics and wouldn’t have gone to Rome. I mean, you can go back to their childhood and conjure up stuff that you had no control over.
G: Absolutely. You go all the way back.
C: Finally, when enough time passes and you do your grief work, if you’re doing your grief work, you finally realize, “hey, I didn’t have any responsibility for that.” Things happen. It takes awhile but you realize. I’m just grateful now. I’m spending time being grateful for my surviving son because a lot of people don’t have surviving children, and my heart goes out to them. I have my husband and it’s gratitude that gets me through.
G: What about the news about terrorist attacks today? Do you think that affects you more than other people?
C: I think I feel worst for the parents because I know, and for the families, I know the grief journey they’re on, and it’s gut-wrenching. So from that standpoint, it will be 20 years and I’m okay. I don’t grieve every death as if it were fresh for me. I just want to help the people through the terrible times if I can.
G: And one of the things that I think of sometimes is about the terrorist families also. The grieving mothers there. In Palestine, or in these countries.
C: My son was killed by four Palestinian youths and they were all young, they were teenagers, and they were all pumped up on amphetamines and they were very young, and they were influenced by terrible people, and so I agree, there’s enough grief to go all around.
G: Yes, and I think about the families where they’re asked to see their children as martyrs for the cause and they’re not supposed to grieve, and I know that in Palestine, for instance, there are some mother’s grieving groups that get together to deal with it. So your heart goes out to everyone. Can you tell us some things that people did specifically that helped you?
C: Well, just being there. My girlfriend from New Jersey was always here for the important dates. She always knew. I had so much help from so many people. As it happens normally, after a couple of months, people go back to their regular jobs and anyone who hasn’t lost a child doesn’t have a clue. I thought I was very empathetic. I’m a nurse. I thought, oh, you know. But when my child died, if you haven’t had it happen, you don’t understand.
G: There’s a certain depth that’s there. I had worked with a lot of families who had lost children, I’m sure you have too as a nurse. The experience is so physical, wouldn’t you say, too?
C: Yes. Physical, emotional.
G: There’s such a huge physical hit that I think it takes some time to recover from.
C: And so your friends may not be all you wished they’d be, but they don’t understand. They don’t understand what the loss of your child does to you. What I tell my people at Compassionate Friends is, “you’re the teacher. We are the teachers to let people know.” Some people just think you should go on with your life. It’s been three months now. Time to get on with everything and forget about that. That’s why a support group is so helpful.
G: Did you experience anger at the terrorists?
C: I was fortunate. I didn’t spend a lot of time in anger. I think I was well aware that tragedy can happen to anybody.
G: Do you see other people with a lot of anger?
C: I do. My husband was very angry. As I said, I was just so fortunate that I didn’t feel that way. I was very involved with helping my son and my husband and I took care of an old gentleman. I was doing private duty and I had to get back to work and I was back to work in two weeks and I kept busy. So I think that’s why I didn’t have time. I did talk to or hear from a lot of world leaders. Margaret Thatcher, President Reagan, of course, sent a letter, and a lot of concern. And I wrote back to them because we all want to stop this.
G: And what kinds of things did Margaret Thatcher say? Do you remember?
C: Well, I had sent her a picture of John. She told me how handsome he was and said the goodness shone out of him, which any mother would like to hear. I had thanked her for letting the planes that were bombing Libya fly over England because France wouldn’t allow any of the planes to fly over. And she wrote me back and said she was happy to help the U.S. in any way that she could.
G: And what about President Reagan, what did he say? He was quite an eloquent man.
C: Yeah, I have his note. It was a very short note. It was sent from Air Force One. It just said they were grieving the loss of John. It was really just about two lines. But I’ve had eloquent letters from people all over. When John died, everyone knew that my son died. A lot of times people say that they didn’t know. This person didn’t know. Well, everybody knew because it was on the cover of every magazine, every newspaper. And I had letters from people all over the world. Beautiful letters. People I didn’t know. People had sent money. There are more good people out there than bad, that’s for sure. It’s time for us to come up on break, now, and when we come back, I would like to talk a little bit about maybe some of the things that you did with the money or ideas that you had and also about your talking a little bit about the press, that it was on the front page of magazines and things like that. I would like to talk about the good aspects of that and also some of the issues when you are in the public eye over a very private event. So it’s time for us to come up on break now. Please stay tuned and our topic today is No Chance to Say Goodbye. A Son Killed by Terrorists. I’m Dr. Gloria and my guest today is Ceil Buonocore whose son, John, was killed in the Rome Airport terrorist attacks on December 27, 1985. Please stay tuned for more.
Welcome back to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m your host, Dr. Gloria, with my guest today, Ceil Buonocore whose son, John, was killed in the Rome Airport terrorist attacks on December 27, 1985. Ceil has used her experience to aid other families impacted by terrorist attacks including Pan Am 103 and 9/11. She has served on the board of directors of the Compassionate Friends and has received the prestigious Jefferson Award presented to ordinary people who would do extraordinary things without expectation or reward. If you would like to email me about this show or upcoming shows, my email is gchorsley@aol.com. If you’d like to participate on this show today, our toll-free number is 1-866-369-3742. These shows and previous shows are archived at www.theCompassionateFriends.org and www.Health.VoiceAmerica.com. Well, Ceil, when we went to break, we were talking about John’s death being in the media and I’d like to get back to that. But, first, we have a call-in, Lou from New York.
L: Hello Ceil, hello Dr. Gloria. My name is Lou and I’m calling you from Larchmont, New York. I want to thank you for the show. I’ve very sorry to both of you for the loss of your sons. This is a very important show. I’m calling because my wife suggested I call in. I’m dealing with my own loss. Our daughter was killed in the World Trade Center on 9/11. She was wonderful. I’m very angry at the world, especially the terrorists. I wanted to drive down to Manhattan and line some of these guys up on my hood ornament and drive them down. I want to run them over I’m so angry. I know in my heart this is wrong. I know these thoughts are wrong but I can’t get over my anger. I need your help. It sounds like you’re making it through. How did you do it?
G: Okay, Lou, thank you for calling in. It sounds like you’ve had a horrendous event. Ceil, do you have some thoughts for Lou?
C: Is he getting any counseling?
L: Yes. I am.
C: Are you joining any groups?
L: Yes, I am. There are parents’ groups, survivors’ groups, and there are many organizations here to help us. But I still struggle with getting over this anger. I just feel it’s so wrong what was done to your son, to my daughter, and there’s no reason for it.
C: How is your wife handling it?
L: She seems to be handling it a little bit better than me. She seems to reach out more to these groups than I do. I often just want to stay home alone and think about it.
C: I think maybe you ought to go to a group with her. Go a couple of times to see if it could help. We always ask people that come to us at Compassionate Friends to go at least three times. Are you exercising? Could you go to the gym?
L: No. This whole tragedy has turned my world upside down. The things I used to do before socially and exercising and my lifestyle, I’ve just dropped everything and I just want to stay home alone. It’s really hard.
C: Exercise would help get rid of some of that anger. We tell people to get a baseball bat, a foam one, and hit a bed or hit something that you can’t hurt anything. I would say you need to get out. You need to move. You need to go to the gym. You’ve got to force yourself.
L: It’s the hardest thing.
G: That’s a good point. Sometimes you don’t want to do it. Lou, let me ask you this. Could you commit to us to go to a group? Could you commit to three times to go to a group and stay there and maybe to yourself and to us commit to maybe doing some exercise for two weeks?
L: Well, I’m so desperate, Dr. Gloria, that I will commit. There’s nothing else that seems to work so I will go three times to a group and I will exercise; but I’m just so angry at this loss and I miss my dear daughter so much, it’s just been so hard.
G: Oh, well, thank you for calling, and listen, could you keep in touch? Send me an email and let me know how things are going.
L: Yes. Thank you, Ceil. Thank you, Dr. Gloria.
C: I’m not far from Larchmont so we may be talking.
G: Email me and I could give you Ceil’s number. Thanks, Lou, for calling in.
L: Bye, bye. Have a great day.
G: And then we have another call. Before we take our next call, I know you said your husband was a little more angry than you were. It doesn’t sound like he was quite that angry or was he?
C: At times, he’s still angry, even today. But, yeah, he’s doing fine. He was able to go to work and to function and I think that just being here with me who kept him moving and I think some of my nursing skills came into play here.
G: Well, it also sounds like Lou’s wife is a little more together in helping him, so one of the things I’d like to say to Lou on this show, too, and to other men, “It’s normal to be angry.”
C: What I should have asked, “Is he reading anything?” Swallowed by a Snake is about men’s grief. Another good book on anger following the death of a child. So I know if he went to Centering Corp., he probably could find out a whole host of books that could help.
G: Right. So look on the internet at Centering Corp., Lou, and other people that are feeling this anger. Okay, Ceil, we have another call, Cindy from New York.
Cindy: Yes, hi, Dr. Gloria and Ceil. I have a question. Thank you so much, I just wanted to say, for having a show on terrorism because people don’t understand the unique stressors that someone is under after such a public loss. My brother was killed in the World Trade Center attacks and my question is for Ceil. My problem is the constant reminders that are in the media, on television, in the newspaper, most recently there’s been 9/11 tapes that have been released to the public, and I can’t seem to get away from all these reminders and it really sets me back, and I just wondered, Ceil, if you have any advice?
C: In my case, there was a lot of press on it and then a month later, the Challenger blew up and I found out how fickle the media is because I was old news, but 9/11 will never be old news. I think you just have to limit your access to them. You have to stop watching the television and stop all of these things from coming into your life because 9/11 is always going to be front and center and I would just be very selective of what I watched on television, what I listened to on the radio. You just have to eliminate some of the stuff from your life. My heart goes out to you because, as I said, the media moved on for me and that was a good thing. But they still show John’s body on the floor in Rome. In fact, they showed it during 9/11 and fortunately, I didn’t see it and I’m okay with it now. But I don’t know how okay you would ever be with all of the different parts of the TV coverage.
G: I know of some families, a woman was telling me whose husband was killed in 9/11 that she doesn’t take the newspaper all the time. She’ll take it sometimes and then she’ll call up and cancel it and does not watch the news.
C: This may sound silly, but I was just reading in Vanity Fair a little article about Jennifer Aniston, and what she said is, just to keep the pain away, she doesn’t read any of this stuff between her and her former husband, and I think that’s probably not easy to do that, but I think you have to.
G: Sometimes it probably just hits you.
C: Do you go to a group?
Cindy: Yes, I go to a group for survivors of 9/11 and that’s very helpful because I feel like we have unique stressors and those people can understand what I’m going through. The support has been very, very helpful and I really appreciated the support of the world, it’s also at times been overwhelming.
G: Well, listen, Cindy, thank you for calling in and good luck in your journey.
Cindy: Thank you very much. Bye.
G: That’s interesting. We’ve had two calls about the 9/11 so this is a topic for this show.
C: They might reach out to the Pan Am 103 people, too. I know Pan Am 103 is helping them. I know some of the people involved and Bob Monetti is the father of a son killed in Pan Am 103 and they have a support group, too. I’m sure they would be happy to reach out.
G: Yeah, that may be an idea for Cindy. I think we might have one more call. Do we have Lucille from California? Oh, she’s dropped. It’s time to take a break now. It’s our final break, and when we come back from this break, Ceil, I’d like you to think about if there are any things we haven’t covered. I do have an email, too, that I want to bring up about the Compassionate Friends and I’ll read that to you right after we come back from break. So it’s time for our final break. Please stay tuned for more comments and advice from our guest, Ceil Buonocore, whose son, John, was killed in a terrorist attack in 1985. Ceil has used her experience to aid other families impacted by terrorist attacks including Pan Am 103 and 9/11. She has served on the board of directors of the Compassionate Friends and has received the prestigious Jefferson Award presented to ordinary people who do extraordinary things without expectation or recognition or reward. And stay tuned to hear about next week’s very special topic and guest.
Welcome back to Healing the Grieving Heart. I’m your host, Dr. Gloria, and my guest today is Ceil Buonocore, whose son, John, was killed in the Rome Airport terrorist attacks on December 27, 1985. Ceil has used her experience to aid other families impacted by terrorist attacks including Pan Am 103 and 9/11. She has served on the board of directors of the Compassionate Friends and has received the prestigious Jefferson Award presented to ordinary people who do extraordinary things without expectation, recognition or reward. Ceil, before break, I was saying is there anything we haven’t covered that you would like to cover, and I would like to get to that. But, first, I’d like to read you an email. This email is from Susan from Palo Alto, California, and Susan says:
My daughter was killed five years ago. I got some help from a local organization called Kara. Since listening to your show, I have wanted to join a Compassionate Friends group but there is none in our area, and I would like to know how to start one.
Could you tell Susan how to go about starting a group? I know you’ve been head of a group, the Brandywine Group, is that what it was, for how many years?
C: Eight.
G: For eight years. How would she go about doing an organization?
C: Just go to our national website and it’s right on there that she clicks the button and she will be brought into the national office or she can call our national office and ask them that question. Ask for Terry, she’s in charge of chapters and I can give her the phone number.
G: Do you want to give her that number?
C: The toll free number is 877-969-0010 and that will bring her to our national headquarters and she can ask them how to start a chapter and they may be able to tell her of a chapter closer than she thinks.
G: And they also have training for chapter leaders and all sorts of support.
C: Right. And she can also click on one of the buttons that says chapter locator and it tells you all of the chapters in the different states. She just has to put in California and it will give her a whole list.
G: And that’s at CompassionateFriends.org. Great. Ceil, I know you’ve said to me before that Compassionate Friends saved your life, was that the correct verbiage? And I wondered how you got involved with it and did your husband go, and what would it be like for our listeners?
C: I always say I can get my husband to Compassionate Friends but only in a straightjacket because he does not, it would not be for him, but he’s been wonderful and supportive and helpful. It’s a lot of behind the scenes thing, but support groups aren’t for everybody and support group is not for him.
G: This is a good point. You can go without your spouse and still benefit from the group. Your husband could go without you.
C: Absolutely, we have husbands that come without their wives. But, you know, I didn’t have a group.
G: The Pan Am 103, could you tell our audience a little bit about them? Their airplane went down.
C: Right. Over Scotland, over Lockerbie, and it killed over 200 Americans. A lot of them were students returning from a semester in college. As I said, it was in the East Coast, I got to know a lot of these people. They had each other. They had their own support group. I didn’t have any support. John was the only body that came home. Some of the other Americans, I never knew how to get in touch with them. So TCF was a big help to me, and we just had a chapter start right after John died and we had like four people at a meeting, and I’ll never forget I had one gentleman there. I was complaining that I didn’t hear from some of my friends from out of town. He said, “you’ve got to forgive your friends. They don’t understand.” I thought, “yeah, right.” And then, he told his story. And his story was that his daughter was abducted, raped, and murdered by a serial killer. And I thought, “Oh, my God, if this man can tell me I’ve got to forgive, what a message.” I have never ever forgotten it. And so that has helped me a great deal because here I am dealing with the terrorist attacks. On a scale of 1 to 10 of how your kid could die, that has to be the worst, and that man, coming to meetings and talking about forgiveness. So, amazing.
G: The amazing thing about the Compassionate Friends is that it is a totally volunteer organization and, how many paid employees are there? Five?
C: Right. The Executive Director and four employees in our national office and they do yeoman duty, that’s for sure. They do a wonderful job.
G: And there are, what, 600 chapters in the United States? How many are there worldwide? Do you know?
C: I’m not sure. But we do have, again, on our website, if you click one of the buttons, it tells you the international chapter. So there’s an awful lot on that website you can learn.
G: Could you tell us something about the Jefferson Award? I love the idea that it’s given to an ordinary citizen for doing extraordinary doings without remuneration, is that what it is?
C: Yes. It was founded by Jacqueline Kennedy, and she’s the one that wanted to reward people that do things in all walks of life, and what happens is someone has to nominate you. Unbeknownst to me, one of my members sent information in and then at the State level they select five finalists and I was one of the finalists and then it goes to the national level.
G: Now, do you have to go somewhere, or give a speech on the State level, or do anything or do they just send it in?
C: When I accepted the award, I did give a little speech to our Compassionate Friends just for a few minutes, but it’s really the people who write in about you who think you should be rewarded for the services that you have performed and I was fortunate I had an overwhelming number of people that wrote in and, again, as I said this helping is healing because you get back more than you give, that’s for sure. I’ve been very pleased with that award.
G: It’s wonderful. I love the idea of the award and Jacqueline Kennedy was the one that started it. That’s great. Do you just get a little plaque or is there anything special you do with it?
C: Well, I have a nice little plaque and I help identify people who would be nominated now for the Jefferson Award. It’s amazing, to me, constantly amazed that we take this terrible, terrible grief and turn it into something wonderful to help others. Just in my chapter alone, it’s amazing. We had a mother and father who lost their only child in a car crash. He didn’t have a seat belt. They helped get a primary seat belt law in Delaware. I could go on and on. We had a sister whose brother had a marker placed in Florida where he was killed and we didn’t do that in Delaware. Well, we now have a memorial park at a beautiful rest stop where bricks in the name of the child are there. It’s just amazing the things that. That’s something I might say to Lou to help with his anger is to turn it into doing something wonderful in memory of his daughter. When my son died, I got a letter from a friend of mine. She said, you know, Wellesley College was founded on land given in memory of a deceased child. Stanford University.
G: I was going to say, Stanford University, Leland Stanford, Jr.
C: So many wonderful things you can do to memorialize your child. Help TCF I always recommend. But there’s so many ways. Just in my small group we have parents who are involved with heart – son died of a heart ailment and now he’s helping getting every athlete screened. It’s amazing. And that’s what you need to do. You need to turn that terrible anger into something positive to remember your child and your child will be helping so many others.
G And don’t you find that you lose some of the fear of doing things?
C: Absolutely. If anybody ever told me I just gave a speech to 900 people last year, I never would have been able to do that. John stretches me all the time. I’m doing things that I never thought I would do. And it’s all in his memory.
G: Here I am doing an internet radio show on this topic. I never thought I’d be doing anything like this in my life.
C: And doing it so well.
G: Oh, thank you. And doing it in memory of Scott. And one of the things that I love that we say at Compassionate Friends is that I do this in memory of my child.
C: Absolutely, whenever I do anything for TCF, I always wear John’s picture. Because that’s honoring him.
G: A little button with his picture on it which we wear at the National Conferences. And there’ll be a conference in Dearborn, Michigan.
C: Next July. It’ll probably start putting information on the website probably in a couple of months.
G: It will be a wonderful conference with many workshops. Well, Ceil, I want to thank you for being on the show today. You’re a wonderful person, a wonderful example, and I’m so pleased that I have been able to meet you in my life and have you a part of my life, and talking about how you dealt with John’s death and helping other families. It’s been a wonderful thing and I just appreciate you so much.
C: Thank you, Gloria, I feel the same.
G: We’re going to close this show now. Again, I want to thank Ceil. You really inspire me with your clarity, wit, and strength. You’re an inspiration to everybody suffering from the pain of bereavement. Please stay tuned again next week when my guest will be Wayne Loder. Wayne is a bereaved father of Steven and Stephanie, husband of Pat Loder, and he is the Public Awareness Coordinator of the Compassionate Friends. Together, Wayne and I will discuss the myth that bereaved parents are at higher risk for divorce, and we’ll give you tips on keeping your marriage strong. This show is archived at www.Health.VoiceAmerica.com as well as www.theCompassionateFriends.org websites. This is Dr. Gloria. Please stay tuned again next Thursday at 9:00 a.m. Pacific for more of Healing the Grieving Heart, a show of hope, renewal and support and also email me at gchorsley@aol.com. And remember, you need not walk alone.