How can I help my husband in his grief?
From DV –
My daughter died in a car accident on May 23,2009. My 20yr old daughter and myself have our daily moments of crying, shouting, screaming,etc. And we can talk to others or to each other about her sister/my daughter. My husband on the other hand is not doing so well. He doesn’t really talk to anyone, he is so mad at everyone-primarily God. He expresses anger most of the time and seems to be getting meaner. I’m trying to give him his space as he grieves a little different but I am not sure if I need to keep suggesting counseling to him.
Dear DV,
You sound like a very compassionate person and are very understanding regarding your husband’s anger and grief. It is hard for us to know whether his behavior is disrupting his life in a significant way. A question I would ask: is it interfering with his personal relations or work in a way that you might consider leaving him or he might lose his job? Is he striking out verbally or physically? If the answer is yes to any of these questions you need to take some action. If it were physical or verbal abuse I would suggest contacting your local battered woman’s shelter. They have some wonderful groups where you can talk about solutions to combative behavior.
If it is not abusive and he will not seek therapy we would suggest that you seek therapy for yourself. A good grief therapist will help you deal with your own grief as well as his responses. If you are looking for a grief therapist you can go to “The Association of Death Educators” web site where they list therapists trained in grief and loss. I would also suggest that you attend a Compassionate Friends group (to see if there is a group near you go to http://www.compassionatefriends.org). As the saying goes, “Do it yourself and teach the world.”
We have some archived radio shows and videos that may be of help to you. We recommend:
September 25, 2008
March 12, 2009
Healing from Within
1st Guest: Tracy Swanson
2nd Guest: Susan Toro
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley031209.mp3
April 5, 2007
Men and Grief
Guest: David Pellegrin
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley040507.mp3
March 15, 2007
Real Men Do Cry
Eric Hipple
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley031507.mp3
July 10, 2008
Coping Through a Lifetime: Children, Trauma and Death
Guest: Dr. Robin Goodman
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley071008.mp3
Videos
Grief Sequence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRso3uDtNY8&feature=PlayList&p=6D48F87898EF220C&index=19
If You are Grieving by Gail Massey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov1RAgUxSyc&feature=PlayList&p=6D48F87898EF220C&index=11
We will discuss your letter on our radio show this morning. You can listen to the show at http://www.modavox.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1053 at 9 a.m. Pacific time.
You might also want to tune in to our Monday show and listen to what Eric Hipple has to say about men and grief. You can listen at 11 a.m. Pacific time (2 p.m. EDT) and can find it at http://chataboutit.com/category/open-to-hope/open-to-hope-podcasts/
Best wishes on your journey and stay in touch.
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley