Sudden death of my mother
My mom passed away on 25 July 2009 and being her only child I am totally devastated. She had been suffering from arthritis for the past 30 years. I have three kids of my own and my third and only daughter was born five days before she passed away. I am an expat worker and my mother was visiting us in our country of residence to be beside my wife during labor and help in taking care of the new born. I feel many of the emotions which others have written about here. I need not pray for my mom because I know for sure she is already in heaven. So I pray to god and ask for forgiveness for not taking care of my mom well enough.
Dear Nazar,
We offer our deep and sincere condolences to you and your family on the death of your mother. Losing a parent is very painful regardless of age and when it comes suddenly it is even harder to understand and accept.
Often with the sudden death of a loved one comes guilt. The “if onlys” and “I should haves” come in, creating even more grief and pain. Know that as human beings we make the best decisions we can at the time with the information and experience we have at that time. You did that and so did your mother. While we don’t know her age or circumstances we would guess that her passing came at a very happy time in her life – with the birth of a granddaughter. She was there to help and we can only imagine the joy she felt when she held that baby.
Most mothers understand that at some time their child – even if he is our only one – will leave the nest and fly on his own. It is expected. Most mothers delight in seeing their child become independent and happy and have a family of his own. She expects the strings to be cut so this can happen. Take comfort in the fact that you did exactly what was expected. Your inviting her to help during the arrival of the new baby is a great tribute to her and to how much you loved her.
Know that grieving takes energy so this is a time to take care of yourself. Find ways to express your grief – talk about your mother to your wife and friends, express how you feel in ways that work for you.
You might find comfort in listening to some of our archived radio shows, Healing the Grieving Heart and in watching some of our videos on YouTube.. Those we recommend for you are:
April 5, 2007
Men and Grief
Guest: David Pellegrin
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley040507.mp3
March 15, 2007
Real Men Do Cry
Eric Hipple
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley031507.mp3
November 13, 2008
Adult Children Losing Parents
Guests: Pamela Gabbay and Alexander Levy
http://www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley111308.mp3
Videos
Grief Sequence http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRso3uDtNY8&feature=PlayList&p=6D48F87898EF220C&index=19
Dr. Tom Attig: Inertia, Resilience and Hope
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAsC6fJ0mWE
We hope these suggestions help as you walk this grief path. Know that others have made it before you and your can, too.
Sincerely,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley