I will never be the same again….

From Mona –

In memory of KYLE SIBUSISO MARSH 07/10/2003 -21/05/2009 (894)

I was referred to this site by a family member – and wow ! what do I say ? I never in a million years thought that I share my pain with so many people. I lost my darling son KYLE SIBUSISO MARSH very tragically on the 21/05/09. He was only five years old.I will never be the same again….

It was a normal day and I was going about my normal daily roetine. Until I recieved a call from a neighbour that I had to get to the hospital asap. Kyle has been in an accident !It must have been the longest drive to the hospital,I remember thinking I was going to find him injured but he’ll be ok. I remember pleading with God not to take my son away from me…I would do anything,just dont take Kyle away from me. Even when I arrived at the hospital my mind was so far away from death – I walked in thinking that I would find him in a hospital bed attached to all sorts of medical equipment.

A gentleman met me at the door and accompanied me to a room where my husband and sister in law was. As I walked in my husband grabbed me,while in his embrace I asked him where Kyle was and his response was :”He is gone” I couldn’t deal with this ! I wanted to tear away from him and I did. I screamed in desperation, I lost my mind for a few minutes – how could he be gone ? not when I pleaded with God to save my son. Nothing could’ve prepared me for this,nothing… I remember just wanting to see my boy,they escorted us to where he was. His tiny little body covered in a sheet. As I opened his face…there he was lying so peacefully as though he was in a deep sleep. I remember trying to wake him,I begged him to wake up ! ” Please Kyle,please wake up for mommy, I asked him over and over. But his little body just laid there lifeless. I held him to tight.I smelled him, I spoke to him,I kissed his tiny little hands. I wanted to do so many thingsto him because I knew I would never be able to squeeze him,smell him or just look at him. It felt like I was running against time. I had so many questions – I was angry with God,but most of all I couldn’t believe that it was happening to me. It felt like I was having an out of body experience. When I saw Kyle the morning of the 12/05/09 he was healthy, everything seemed like a normal day. How could my life change in such an instant ? What have I done to deserve this ? how do I even begin to pick up the pieces. How do I wake up the following day without my child ? Leaving him at the hospital was one of the hardest things for me to do.

It is almost 4mnths later yet the pain is still as profound as it was the first day I lost him. People say it gets better with time,I dont think so…..Today 15/09/09 is my birthday my 1st birthday without Kyle and it is as hard as hell. Not a day goes by that I dont think about him..every second of every day is consumed with memories of him. Getting used to our reality without Kyle is a very difficult thing to do for myself,my husband and his brother Jayden. All I can do is just pray for God’s strenght and mercy – I truly believe that God will not take you to a place where his grace will not carry you. It was and sometimes still is very hard for me to release my son to God because there are days when I miss him so much it hurts so deeply. There are days when I long to see him,touch him just one more time so badly that it feels like Im going in sane. He was such an angel,he had such a gentle “SOUL” he was a gentleman and he stole so many people’s hearts. He was matured beyond his years. Kyle was a special boy -thinking about him in retrospect makes me realise more and more how special he was. He was too good for this world. And even though he left us at such a tender age,I believe that he lived until he died. And I do believe as painful as it may be that God needed him more for bigger and better things.

I view life in a completely different manner since this life changing event. I now know that dying is part of our lives plan on this earth. That we are all just passers by. I dont fear death anymore,because I know my child will be on the other side waiting for me. I may have lost him as my son on earth but I still have a son in heaven,and I may not be the mother of a living Kyle but I’m the mother of an “angel” who will be my guardian for life. I know he is always next to me,I know he never leaves my sight even when I weep for him he is right there wiping my tears away and caressing me. A part of me died with my son,a part of my heart was amputated the day that I lost him,and Im sure that every bereaved parent share the same sentiment. You can never be the same after losing a child,never.

All I do now is live in HOPE and FAITH that God will reunite us again someday. He made that promise and I believe Him. I cant wait because I know that Kyle will have so much to share with me and so much to show me. Above all I know that there will be a line up of angel friends he would want to introduce me to. He was quite a socilaite, he loved life and he loved people. Nothing will ever seperate me from the love I have for my son and him for me – not even death.

I love you Kyle,I will never stop loving you. I will love you until forever comes…
You will always be my son and I your mother. You are my sunshine,my “mookie” my life….