The grief, guilt, questions can be overwhelming

From Roxanne –

Hello, I lost my mom suddenly on August 3, 2009. The grief, guilt, questions can be overwhelming. She was only 62 more engery then I had, loving and appreciative of the smallest things. While visiting family she went to sleep and didn’t wake up the next morning. However those that she visited with mentioned that they heard her get up a a couple hours before 5 am, a noise, they called out to her she said she was okay. She didn’t awake in the morning. The medical examiner ruled that hypertension was the cause, however I wonder why so suddenly? She’d had hypertension for a long time and managed well. I made a call today for the final autopsy and it wont be available for another few weeks. I’m leaning on my faith however I cannot help but wonder if I didn’t pray hard enough that night. I can remember being awakened with the thought that I needed to get up and pray, this happened several times I did get up and pray but I guess I was too late.
That is a cruel thought, my faith tells me that God is good and I need a lesson in humility, I don’t control His decisions, He does.

Needless to say, I miss her, the day she left on her trip, I wanted to give her a hug but she was in the bathroom getting ready (we lived together), I talked to her through the door, that was Thursday, she died in the early hours on the following Monday. I didn’t even call her on Sunday, we spoke briefly on Saturday what if she wanted to share her concerns with me? Maybe she wasn’t feeling well and wanted to tell me, it was early evening when she called and I had just come off a 6 hour drive an was dozing off so I said I’d call her back and didn’t, not even on Sunday! Did she think I didn’t want to talk is that why she didn’t call me on Sunday? There’s no point in wishing for another chance.

I was counting on another 10 years. I’d just embarked on a journey to be happy and for my family to see me in better spirits than ever before (single mom challenges – relationship hurts etc.). She was so eager to see me smile, get out and live. My first step was to take a trip with her to AC we did that, she died less than two weeks later. Now I feel guilty about smiling and moving forward because I didn’t give her a chance to experience it.

However, I’m thankful for the time we had and I am sure that she’s watching over us and will be estatic when I finally move on with my life. She was such a free spirit.