A Grieving Mother in the UK Reaches Out For Help in Her Grief

I am here in the UK, an intelligent,12 stepped councillor who always had all the answers until my only son, 21, died from a tragic accident on 13 March 2008. I never wanted children, in fact I had two terminations but when I fell pregnant with my husband at 35 years old I was astonished and a little bit afraid. However, when he was born I KNEW he was a gift from God and everyone around us said the same thing - he was special. Me, the career woman suddenly becoming the earth mother quite naturally. To cut a long story very short, my beautiful baby whose only fear in life was heights and spiders, went to a party on 12 March and into the bedroom at the party as his friend was tired and angry with his girlfried and, because it was a new development and the building regulations did not specify locks on the bedroom window (4th storey) and because he was mindful that he was smoking a cigarette and wanted to open the window - he fell 4 storeys through the window he opened and the emergency services didnt reach him in time (6 minutes response) as the local council and building contractors had not registered the address or sign posted, or GPS satnavs, and because the police presumed that he was just another ‘none entity’ both my son’s death and the treatment of his girlfriend counted for nothing. All the emergency services know that they are wrong and have offered us so much financial compensation but I, me, the strong one am having to bear the grief of all his friends, my partner and his son (13) and daughter (21) my mother (79) who has had a massive heart attack, his (adoptive) father from being 2 years old who had a massive stroke and aneurism when my son was 11 whom he visited almost daily etc etc. There were almost 400 people at his (not funeral) celebration of life and, like Lana, I have what I call my God coincidences which I know are more than coincidences - hard core atheists, agnostics, very ’spooky’ things that happened before, during and after his death BUT me, the strong one, I can’t carry on with ‘normal’ everyday life - cooking, gardening, shopping, driving, I now have his dog and tropical fish, his car, anything I do in my day to day life reminds me of him. I have photos, candles, his ashes but they make me sad so I don’t want to look at them and then I feel guilty. When I walk the dog and see trees or shrubs they remind me of him, books, plays, art, TV, film impossible! I am not suicidal but I need to try and live my life without him but all I seem to want to do is sleep, cry, hide, lie - NOTHING stimulates me. What do I do without worrying those who care about me?

Second letter: (Written to Lana) I have just read my previous to you and it reads a little strange. I apologise. What moved me was the fact that you KNEW 100% that your darling daughter was a gift from God, especially when you asked him for another child and he said no. One day, when I am more open and a little less empty I am going to write a ‘journal’ or something about my dear son Daniel’s life and how weird things happened. Let me just tell you this,I told my partner (we’ve been together now since 2000) that every single time he went out to work, leisure etc that, for about five years now, I KNEW that I would receive a fonecall ’soon’ to say that he was dead … I just knew, and, in a way, when it came I felt relief. Don’t know what else to say just now but I do hope that I can converse with you all on this forum. I am not usually ‘into’ this stuff but I don’t know what else to do at the moment.

Drs Gloria and Heidi Respond

Dear Bev,

We are so very sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the most painful thing any mother can experience and our hearts go out to you. It has been just over a month now since your son died - such a very short time when it comes to grieving for a son. This is a time to be gentle with yourself and with those around you. Drop the expectations of being “normal” and doing “normal” things as you begin to work through your grief and just do the best you can one day at a time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no time limit.

There is an organization called The Compassonate Friends that is composed of those who have lost a child and they include parents, grandparents and siblings. They are a loving and supportive group who understand what you are going through. We recommend that, when you are ready, you seek them out. As a counselor you know the importance of having others to turn to. There is a group in the UK and you can find their website and phone number at http://www.tcf.org.uk/.  This will help you keep form “worrying those who care” about you. (You might want to take them with you) We have found that the load of grief is easier if you don’t have to carry it alone.

You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  It airs in the US at 9 a.m. PST. To determine what time that is in the UK you can check on http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/.  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/  We recommend the following shows for you to begin with:
April 26, 2007 The Impact of Losing a Child   Guest: Dr. Esther Wender
June 28, 2007 Dealing With Grief and Loss    Guest:  Dr. Kenneth J. Doka

We will post your letters on The Grief Blog because they will be helpful to the many who feel like you do now. You might want to check back periodically to read comments that come. Lana is one of our regular readers and I feel sure that she will see what you have written to her. Further, we also refer to letters on our show so you might want to “tune in” today if that is possible for you.

Again, please accept our condolences,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley