December 20, 2007: Getting Through the Holidays Without Your Spouse - Linda Della Donna

DECEMBER 20, 2007 - GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE:  LINDA DELLA DONNA.  Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows through the grief process.  A graduate of the Institute of Children’s Literature and School of Hard Knocks, she writes about death, dying, and cancer and shares ways to turn an upside-down smile right side up again.  She writes from the heart.  Her blog http://Griefcase.blogspot.com/ <http://griefcase.blogspot.com/>  is written especially for widows.

Linda Della Donna:  I had a great marriage, and life with Ed was one big date, and when I lost him, it was really, really a void in my life that I didn’t expect to be upset about it and I thought I would be okay with it and for a little while I was okay.  But it was just denial and that first year was just struggling to cope.  The second year was really worse.  I hate to say it, but when people say oh, the first year is always the hardest, that’s really erroneous to tell someone that.  It’s going to be hard for a long time.

Linda Della Donna:  There’s no right way and there’s no wrong way to mourn.  There is only your way and everyone is different and each grief, each mourning is as different as a thumbprint and there are no two alike and it’s important for everyone to realize that.

Linda Della Donna:  I didn’t have anger.  I was filled with love and happiness.  He had died in my arms on our wedding anniversary so I was filled with this immense love.  I was just filled with joy and love, but after a time the empty chair that you see every day, it hits after when you have to go to the grocery store and there’s no one to push the carriage with you.

Linda Della Donna:  I urge all widows please immediately, as soon as you possibly can, get all your papers together and get to an accountant.  Put everything out and try to figure out where you are.  You must learn immediately.  If you cannot balance a checkbook, learn.  If you’re deficient in adding or multiplying, get to a basic math class.  You can even do it online if you’re unable to go out.

Linda Della Donna:  Financial decisions, my advice is this.  If you don’t know what to do, do nothing and wait.  Do nothing without first thinking about it twice.  I advise you get an accountant, get someone trusted, and it’s wise not to seek a family member.  It’s important that your financial status be confidential so you can make straight decisions.

Linda Della Donna:  A bereavement group is always good.  It’s not that misery likes company.  I believe that there’s quality and strength in number and when you get with people who have been through a recent loss, it’s supportive.  You don’t even have to talk.  Everybody is in the same boat and it’s easier to get through it.

Linda Della Donna:  It’s important to make a new memory because from now on you want to be able to look back next year on what you have instead of what you had.  And it’s important to grow, to use the death as a springboard, not as a crutch.  Yes, it’s important to move forward.  I don’t say move on because you don’t want to ever forget what you had, but it’s important to let go.  Otherwise you cannot move forward.

Linda Della Donna:  Last year for the holiday, I’ll tell you what I did.  I volunteered my time.  I handed out gifts at Christmas Eve at the Salvation Army.  I baked brownies and brought them to a hospital ward and I gave them to the nurses.  These were people I don’t know, I will never see again, but it felt good to do something for a nameless, faceless, anonymous person and I just felt good about it.

Linda Della Donna:  And they even have groups for widows and widowers.  It gets you out.  It gets your feet wet.  And the other advice I have is learn from other widows.  When you get out there and you meet these other widows, learn from them.  If you see something that they’re doing that’s good and positive, learn from that.  If you see something that you really don’t like that they’re doing, learn from that also.  Adapt what is going to be good for you and will help you get through.  You don’t want to be a needy woman.  You want to be strong.  You want to be independent.  You want to be able to stand on your own two feet and be your own best friend.

Linda Della Donna:  This is your time to be as crazy as you want.  You have a perfect excuse.  You’re in mourning and like I said, there’s really no right way or no wrong way.  Give yourself permission to mourn.

Linda Della Donna:  But I’ve grown so much and I worked so hard on myself and I can honestly say I’ve come full circle and I can honestly say that I’ve let go.  I talk to him now and then, but not as often as I used to.

Linda Della Donna:  It was my way of coming to terms with death because nobody knows and that’s the big thing, the question mark.  What’s happened to us?  And that’s a hard thing.  It’s a lot to process.  When somebody is not coming back ever again, it’s a hard thing to learn and it takes time for the mind, the brain to wrap itself around this.  It’s a process.

Linda Della Donna:  I thought it was just me and one day I was moaning and crying and carrying on and he turned to me and he said, Ma, I miss Ed, too.  And until that moment it was like a sock in the face.  I realized, oh, my God, he’s grieving, too.  I was so wrapped up in my own grief, I didn’t realize my son, who keeps everything inside and doesn’t talk much about it, he was hurting, too.

Linda Della Donna:  I’ve grown a new life.  I often say, sometime when I wasn’t looking, I got a new life.  It’s exactly that.

Linda Della Donna:  It’s a very hard thing and it’s a very interesting thing.  Until you really go through it yourself you have no idea what someone’s going through.  And every loss is different for every person.  I’ve lost both parents.  I lost two best girlfriends.  They were young.  My girlfriend was 53 when she died of breast cancer and it was shortly before my own husband got sick and died.  And I felt very bad, so bad that I couldn’t go to the funeral.  I was so upset about losing my girlfriend and as bad as I felt for all these people, losing my husband and soul mate rocked me right to my core.  I was not prepared.

Linda Della Donna:  Well, I felt like I had lost a limb and I had to learn to walk again without it, or carry on without it.  It was very difficult, but I will tell you hard work, perseverance, positive attitude, it pays off.  I went to counseling for more than a year, I’m very grateful that I don’t feel badly or guilty about that.  I recognized that I needed to speak to someone.  I needed answers.  I needed someone to help me through this.  I couldn’t do it alone.

Linda Della Donna:  It’s wonderful and everyone needs to feel loved and to give love.  It’s just really a wonderful, wonderful way of being alive.  Life is for the living.  Do what’s good for you, make new memories but do what’s good for you.  Take yourself out, pamper yourself a little bit.  I wrote that article a while ago so I need some refreshing.