February 28, 2008 - The Healing Power of Grief - Dr. Marilyn Stolzman and Gloria Lintermans

FEBRUARY 28, 2008 - THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF:  DR. MARILYN STOLZMAN AND GLORIA LINTERMANS:  Los Angeles-based Dr. Marilyn Stolzman brings her wisdom and hands-on experience to her books, The Healing Power of Grief and The Healing Power of Love.  She works as a bereavement counselor in private practice and is director of the non-profit Los Angeles-based organization H.O.P.E Unit Foundation for Bereavement, Loss and Transition.  Gloria Lintermans is a former syndicated newspaper columnist, currently a freelance writer, author, and widow.  She has hosted her own cable television show and radio program and is the author of The Newly Divorced Book of Protocol. 

Marilyn Stolzman:  I think there’s something important that happens when people come into a group process and they talk with each other and they get validation from the therapist and from the other participants.  We have found that grief shared is grief diminished, and in having somebody witness your story, it begins to take the power out of it.

Gloria Lintermans:  I also would like to throw in that I learned during my grieving process that the only way to get over your grief is to go through it, and that’s where we came to The Healing Power of Grief because you have to embrace your grief.  You can’t try to run away from it because if you do, you don’t heal.  So we see grief as a healing process.

Marilyn Stolzman:  Every Thursday night, no matter what was happening in my life, I could be real.  I could cry.  I could grieve.  I could talk about it because a support group lets you grieve in what is your own grief time.

Marilyn Stolzman:  I don’t even like to call it a workbook.  I call it a healing book because it gives you definite exercises to honor your feelings and yet go through them.  Not run away from them.

Marilyn Stolzman:  I think part of what we’ve tried to do with people and part of what we definitely included in the book is go through the five stages of loss and explain in detail what people go through in each stage so that could normalize their grief.  The shock, denial, anger, depression, and the last stage which Elisabeth Kubler-Ross called acceptance I have reframed to be transition adjustment and integration because I think those three words more aptly describe what people go through. 

Gloria Lintermans:  I want to refer back to what you had said about educating your support group, your family and friends about what you’re going through.  I have found that if the support group can be encouraged to read the book, it can give people a good idea of what to say to help you and what not to say.  You almost need to educate the people that are going to be helping you in your community.  But I also think it’s important that while you’re moving through stages of grief, it’s really important to know and accept that healing takes time.  It takes patience.  It takes hope.  What people really need to learn how to do is to be emotionally available to themselves.

Gloria Lintermans:  Accept that some days are going to be harder and easier than others.  You may have a good day and the next day may be horrible.  That doesn’t mean that every day thereafter is going to be horrible.  Even in the course of one day, your emotions can be on a roller coaster.

Marilyn Stolzman:  I often give patients a list called nurturing yourself and divide it into three columns and talk about nurturing people in your life, nurturing activities, and nurturing places.  Where do you go in the world?  Who do you relate to?  Who do you talk to?  Friends or family?  And what are you doing?  And if they’re coming up shy on their list, we would talk in more detail about what can you do to make differences in your life?  What changes would you like to see have happening?

Marilyn Stolzman:  I’d say not to give advice but to normalize that almost anything goes and there isn’t a script on it.  They may give away clothes when they feel ready to and not to feel the pressure from the family during the first week of mourning to eliminate things.  That they need to say goodbye to objects and then the same kinds of conversations come up with photographs.  For some people, looking at photographs is healing and soothing and for others it’s the source of a great deal of pain.  But we validate a lot that you do this when you’re ready to do this.  We try to validate a lot of feelings that people have when they think they’re going crazy or that they are alone in this response.  So it’s very healing and hopeful to them to learn that others have the same reaction.

Marilyn Stolzman:  The healthy important thing is that you don’t let anyone talk you into when is the right time.  Listen to yourself.  Any time you’re taking care of someone else’s feelings, it makes you feel stronger.  It’s important to honor the feelings and to talk about the pain and to get support for that.

Gloria Lintermans:  The workbook gives people absolute things that they can do to feel better and to take care of themselves and it’s also a way through this mourning period of being able to look back and see that you are making progress on those days when you feel you’ve been thrown right back.  Healing is a slow process and it happens one day at a time.

Marilyn Stolzman:  Part of the grieving process is being kind and less judgmental of yourself.

Marilyn Stolzman:  Some people also have a harder time with the second year than the first year after a loss because they think they should feel better.

Marilyn Stolzman:  My closing comment is love yourself.