Grief in the Workplace: Patrick Malone

HEALING THE GRIEVING HEART
Grief in the Workplace
Host: Dr. Gloria Horsley
With guest: Patrick Malone
June 23, 2005

G: There are no simple or quick solutions to dealing with death. Each one of us is unique and special as are our relationships and our responses to loss. We have all heard at the time of death, I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing to do, and, in fact, most of us need to stop doing. The heart will heal. It’s a matter of letting it happen. Healing the grieving heart is about nourishing the heart and removing the blocks that slow the miracle of renewal. I know you hurt. I’ve been there. Have faith. The heart always heals. I know you must carry on with work and family even though you might feel you are going crazy and will never be normal again. My guests and I have been there and we are here to tell you that we have made it and so can you. Please join us on the show by calling our toll free number 1-866-369-3742 with questions or comments regarding the losses in your life. Remember that just going about your day-to-day business is an accomplishment. Whether it is working in the home or in the office. Today our topic is dealing with grief in the workplace, and I am pleased to introduce my special guest, Patrick Malone. In addition to being a business consultant, Patrick is the President of the Compassionate Friends and a bereaved parent to Scott, Erin, and Lance. Pat, welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart.
P: Thank you, Dr. Gloria. Nice to be here.
G: It’s great to have you on. I’d like to start the show, if I may, Patrick by asking you to tell our listeners your story.
P: Sure, I’d be happy to. As you mentioned, Kathy and I, my wife and I, have lost three children. Scott died 16 hours after birth in 1971 from some complications in the birth process. In 1974, Kathy had a miscarriage, and that would have been our daughter, Erin. And then in 1995, my 25-year-old son, Lance, was killed in a motorcycle accident.
G: Wow. It’s tough having that happen. Were you a consultant at the time when it happened?
P: No, I was in different circumstances. With Scott back in the ‘70s I was with a Fortune 500 company. Same company with Erin and then I was with a business consultant with Lance and each of those experiences in the workplace was significantly different for me.
G: Well, it’s going to be interesting to hear the suggestions you have in handling that after being with a big corporation and then going with consulting. Very interesting. When I was getting ready for the show, I was looking at some written material on grief in the workplace and while what I found was very good, it tended to focus on how to make the workplace more humane. And I thought, well, that’s all well and good but going to work one day as a parent and then a few days later as a bereaved parent is like dropping as an alien from Mars. You’re just not the same person you were when you left. It’s a whole different set of circumstances.
P: It is a different set of circumstances but a lot of how a bereaved parent heals depends a great deal on how they’re treated in the workplace. And I think there’s some shared responsibility there.
G: I like that shared responsibility idea. I’d like to start out. I’d like to read an email that I received after last week’s show because I think it describes some of the personal challenges that we’ll be discussing today. This email was sent to me by Maggie from Winter Springs, Florida.
Dear Dr. Horsley,
I just listened to your show for the first time and it was amazing. I can’t wait to get a copy of Harriet Schiff’s book, The Bereaved Parent. I am also a bereaved parent. My daughter, Jillian died July 17, 2004. She was 25 years old. Her death was sudden and unexpected. Her dad and I found her in the bedroom. She died while sitting on the floor watching television. We also have a son, Matthew, who is 15 years old. We are all still in a state of shock. I keep waiting to wake up and find that this nightmare my life has become is over.
This is just a little short of a year for her. So Maggie goes on to say that she is in her second year as a nursing student and that she wasn’t sure if she would be able to continue nursing school but she knows Jilli, her daughter, would want her to go on. So Patrick, Maggie is now going to share with us a little about her work situation in the email. She goes on to write:
I’m constantly hearing how well I’m doing in the grieving process. How proud they are of me. I feel like a fraud. I’m in complete control of my life from the moment I step on my campus but in every aspect of my life, I feel like I’m going crazy. I seem to be working on auto pilot. I thank God every day for the friends I’ve made in the Compassionate Friends. If it wasn’t for their support and kindness, I think I would lose my sanity. Thanks for listening. Fellow mom in mourning. Maggie.
I want to thank Maggie for this heartfelt email. Patrick, I’d like to discuss with you some of the points Maggie brought up. One for me was the need to stay in control. I remember when my son was killed I, too, was working in a hospital setting and I felt like I needed to be really professional, look strong, and hold it all together.
P: That’s a real dilemma for bereaved parents because quite frankly, the workplace is a little bit different. We tend to act in normal circumstances a little bit differently at work than we do perhaps in our family or in social interactions. And that gets exacerbated when you have all these emotions associated with the grief with the death of a child. And it is difficult and I know in my own case, I’m like you were. I tried to present a good front and put this mask on. And I found that very frustrating because like Maggie said, the rest of my life, I thought I was going nuts. And it wasn’t really until I was able to share that feeling with one of my co-workers who is also a really good friend that just talking about it, kind of relieved some of that frustration. I still was careful about how I presented myself in the work situation, but at least I had someone to talk to.
G: How did it go about that you were able to talk to him? How did he approach you?
P: Well, it was kind of funny because, and not funny at the time, not funny – ha! ha! but kind of a strange situation. This was after Lance’s death in ’95 and I came back to work after a couple of weeks off and everyone here was really helpful to ask how my wife was doing. They asked how my surviving sons were doing. They covered a lot of my assignments. They were really, really good. And then about two months after that, one of my partners who I’m pretty close to came into my office and said, you know, the death of Lance must have been devastating. I have no idea what that must feel like. He said, but you’re angry and you’re taking your anger out on us. We didn’t cause his death. And I realized I was angry, but I thought I was masking it pretty well. So it was really this impetus that helped me get the conversation started with him and tell him, you know what, now that I think about it, I am angry. Because you guys were very sensitive to Kathy, my wife, my surviving kids, but you never once asked me how I was doing. That opened up the conversation of how I was doing and what I needed from them. And from that point on, it was like this huge burden was relieved. The situation got a whole lot better.
G: Now, how many people were working in that office setting?
P: We’re a small company. We have ten people employed here. We’re a very small business. But I think that same application, even in large companies within a smaller working unit can work. I’m sure that most of us have a really good friend within a work unit even in a bigger company that we can confide in.
G: It’s just a matter of how they approach it and how we approach it. Sometimes I think it’s easier in a large firm than it is in a small firm because there’s public relations, HR people, human relations that are doing things, and there’s maybe even a protocol for a loss wherein a small firm with 10 people, you may not get that kind of a protocol.
P: There are some enlightened companies out there today that have all those support services in place, but I still hear a lot of horror stories about big companies that are impersonal and seemingly uncaring and don’t do those kinds of things. So there are good and bad depending on the size of the company.
G: And the people that are in the company.
P: There can be companies that don’t have real compassionate policies but have compassionate people working in that area who can actually help the grieving employee.
G: I was actually working a mental health setting and many psychiatrists and everyone wanted to take me in and interview me. It was a little overwhelming.
P: Be the specimen, right?
G: Right. And they all wanted to see how I felt and probe me and I finally had to say back off a little bit. So you can sometimes get a little too much mental health going.
P: I think the lesson here is it’s hard for the bereaved parent but sometimes the bereaved parent has got to take responsibility to let people know what they need.
G: Well, it’s time for us to go on a break but when we get back, let’s talk about that responsibility. How do you let people know and what do you let them know that you need? We seem to have a couple of telephone calls, Patrick. The first one is Betty from San Francisco.
B: I recently lost my mother and I wasn’t able to take time off from work and I feel like all of the grief is buried within me and it’s taking over my memory and I’m not able to really express myself in the way that I used to, and so I can be in business meetings and totally have a blank look on my face and not remember certain words. It’s almost like there are big gaps in my memory. I’m wondering if you or he have any strategies for letting people know that, hey, I’m not always this scatterbrain. I’ve had a loss.
G: Thank you, Betty. We were just talking about before break how you could let people know. Patrick, do you have some comments for her on that.
P: Yes. I think, number one, the thing you have to understand is that what you’re experiencing is very normal and a natural part of the grief process, and the easiest way to do that, I think, especially in business situations, is to let one of your business associates know that this is going on so that they can kind of cover you when you get into these meetings or keep you tuned in. This doesn’t mean that you’re less proficient at your business life. It doesn’t mean that you’re less efficient. It only means that for a temporary period here, you’re going to need some support and some help from others until you can recover back that deficiency. Like I said, it’s normal and natural.
B: Great. Thank you.
G: Well, thanks, Betty for calling in. What do you do when co-workers avoid acknowledging your grief?
P: It’s almost as if sometimes co-workers look at us like we have a contagious illness. If they deal with it, if they bring it up, it will cause us more pain. And I think, number one, co-workers need to understand, we’ve already experienced the worst pain. There’s nothing they can do that’s going to hurt us any more than the death of our child. So if they bring up our child’s name and we cry, those are actually tears of joy that someone has remembered. One of the big fears from a bereaved parent is people will forget their child existed. They’ll stop using their child’s name. So it’s important for your co-workers to mention your child specifically. It’s also important for your co-workers not to try to fix a bereaved parent. There’s nothing you can do or say that will fix us. Simply acknowledge that it’s a difficult situation and that you’re sorry that we’re facing it. And that most of the time is enough.
G: How about crying at work? When you were talking about emotions. I was just doing a little research for a presentation I’m giving on crying and one of the things that it showed is that women are much more apt to cry than men and obviously it’s more acceptable because of that. They actually have some hormonal reasons for women to be more tearful. They even have different tear ducts. So what about this fact that we can accept women crying. What if a guy wants to cry at work?
P: Yeah. That’s a real dilemma. In most business environments, that’s not looked at in a very positive way for a man crying at work. But it is a fact that crying is part of the healing process. The tears, the chemical makeup of the tears associated with grief significantly differ from tears when you hit yourself with a hammer.
G: Or the irritation tears.
P: So there is that need and I think most of us can find a place when we’re feeling that, where we can do that in somewhat semi-private. So there is a lot of need for that to be done. I know many times, my crying, I keep it until I got in the car on the way home and a lot of the tears came out then.
G: Or maybe even the screaming, huh?
P: Yeah, you know, privacy. The windows are all rolled up, the air conditioning is on, no one can hear me, so I look like everybody else on the road talking to myself with tears running down my cheeks. But every once in a while, it’s going to come out and I don’t think a man or a woman should be embarrassed. If they’re going through this kind of grief, the tears do flow every once in a while in public. Again, it’s normal and natural. It’s not a sign of weakness. I think that’s the most important thing.
G: Well, tears are a stress reliever, so there may be getting up and being able to leave a meeting and going for a walk outside or something like that can be helpful to let people know that you may be leaving meetings and you may not be able to sit through everything.
P: So if you have those conversations with your team, with your managers, and let them know what you’re experiencing and what you can need or what you’re going to need, most people will be supportive of that for a time. And by doing this up front rather than trying to conceal it, I think you move through the grieving process a little quicker and get to that where you’re more returning. You’re never going to be the same, but you’re going to return to some sense of normalcy in your business life.
G: I just wanted to check and see if we had our call with Phil from Pleasanton.
Phil: I apologize. I called in on a cell phone and it cut out and at times like these, we must remember that technology is our friend.
G: Did you have a question for me or Patrick?
Phil: Actually, I’m reporting back in. I called a couple of weeks ago with a scenario of what we caring co-workers do when a bereaved colleague comes back to work. And I’m talking a business situation of 30, 40, 50 people in the office and we would all go over day after day and pretty much inundate our colleague with the demand of how are you? When I called in, Dr. Horsley recommended that we sort of turn that around into an affirmation stating I want you to have a great day today. And I’m calling back in because I used it on two occasions. Now one was a divorce situation and the other is a serious illness in the family. I have to tell you, that affirmation got a totally different dynamic than the other colleagues who were simply demanding an accountability of how you’re doing. So I now consider turning the inquiry into an affirmation as a best practice for the office.
G: That’s great. Patrick, Phil from Pleasanton was telling us on our first show. He was saying that you go up to people and say how are you? And I said when I was working at the hospital I would pass many people in the hall and everyone would say how are you and I would want to say I feel like crap, I’m feeling terrible.
P: What did you actually say?
G: What did I say to them? I didn’t say anything. I said okay or whatever. Not much.
P: Yeah. We put the mask on. When most people come to us and say how are you? They don’t really want to know. They’re just being polite. It would scare them if you told them how you really felt.
G: Well, Phil, how did you deal with it? Did they tell you how they really felt?
Phil: On those occasions when I would say how are you, you get this long pause because now the person has to reflect on how bad they feel and then they have to account to me. There was one occasion when I was very, very close to the co-workers so I could get straight talk and that was really good. But at other times, it’s just another person in the office complex, and it was essentially a demand on that person. However, turning it around into that affirmation really, really worked out for me. So now I’m thinking, how about a book? Write the book that would be something like best practices for caring colleagues. Something like that.
G: You know, I think when you ask people how they are, I think it is great to do it when you’re in their office with them or when they ask you to come into theirs so you’re really sitting down and you’re really serious about it. What would you think about that, Patrick?
P: Yeah. I agree. There is a place for that where it’s real sincere and it’s a private situation that the person could actually tell you how they are. I think it’s also important when you give them that affirmation that Phil’s talking about, that’s an indication that you really do want to help and really do want to hear about them. And that tends to get a better response. That tends to get them to open up. That this is somebody who really does care. They’re not just doing the polite how are you?
G: I remember one guy said to me, don’t you just feel like you’ve got a huge hole in your stomach? That’s all he said. I didn’t even know him that well and I knew that he’d been through something similar. And we just kind of passed in the hall and he said that to me and I thought, wow, yeah. Well, thank you, Phil for checking in with us.
Phil: I really appreciate you taking the call but my last request is could you continue to expand on these best practices for caring colleagues because there is a real need for some solid advice in the workplace.
G: Thank you and we’ll have Patrick do that right now.
P: There are a number of things that I think you can do or say especially in a case where the colleague has suffered the death of a child. I think the first thing you have to remember is there aren’t any magic words so it’s better to start with some expression that simply says I’m so sorry that this happened. Maybe a hug or touch.
G: With some colleagues. That’s a problem right now in the workplace. It’s a huge problem because you don’t feel like you can go up and hug people, particularly if you’ve got a male boss hugging a female. Even a touch, it’s a problem. It’s unfortunate.
P: And that would be in those cases where you’re really close to the person or you’re not that close and simply saying you’re so sorry is probably the appropriate way to start. Mentioning the child’s name and listening to the co-worker as they talk about the child. Even if there are tears involved at that point. You can’t say something like, I know how you feel, because generally you don’t know how they feel unless you’ve had the same experience, as you said, with the person who said, doesn’t it make you feel like you’ve got a hole in your heart? That’s someone who has been there. Don’t try to minimize it. Don’t’ say something like at least you have other children.
G: Let’s talk about some of those hurtful comments. Right now it’s time for us to go to break and when we come back from break I would love to talk about some more advice for co-workers and also getting in particularly to those comments that are difficult. We’re coming up to break so please stay with us for more on grief in the workplace. We have Karen from New York on the line.
K: I work with a really nice guy and I’ll just call him, Dan. His five-year-old daughter Kara died of cancer a few months ago and at first everyone at work was very supportive when it happened and we try to continue to be supportive but it’s almost like the atmosphere at work is like he should be getting on with things by now. I don’t feel like that but it seems like other people feel like that and no one really wants to bring it up any more. People seem uncomfortable and it just seems to me that it would take years to get any kind of sense of normalcy back in your life if you went through something like this and I’m just wondering, should I say something to one of the bosses? How should I handle this?
G: How long did you say it had been?
K: It’s been about three months.
G: That is, I think, people start moving on after that at work whereas the bereaved parent hasn’t moved on and is just starting to probably become less numb. What’s your thought on it Patrick?
P: Yeah. I think that initial stage when you’re in shock, you’re almost numb, and really in the first year, for me anyway, I was in kind of denial. I kept thinking this was a bad dream that I was going to wake up from. So it took me almost a year to come to grips with this is real. So three months is a small amount of time. How do you fix that situation in your office? I think perhaps people don’t realize because they haven’t gone through it.
K: Yeah, they’re really nice people. I don’t think anyone is doing this intentionally.
P: No, no. They mean well but it makes them uncomfortable when they see Dan still grieving over his daughter Sarah. And let me give a little commercial here because there are a couple of pamphlets that Compassionate Friends puts out. One is entitled, “When a Co-worker is Grieving,” and that’s for people around the individual, and the other one is for the employer. And it’s entitled, “When an Employee is Grieving.” Both of those have got some excellent tips on what those two different groups can do to be supportive and what they should be looking for. What the average experience looks like.
G: Could you tell Karen how to access those?
P: Sure. If you went to The Compassionate Friends website, and that’s www.compassionatefriends.org. You’ll see a button there to click on brochures. Just go down and click on that button. You can order them. They’re relatively inexpensive. I think they’re probably 15 cents a piece or something like that. That may be very helpful for your office environment to understand what Dan’s going through.
K: I just went to your website now and it says something about a national conference. Is that something I could tell Dan about? Or what’s that about?
P: The national conference as a matter of fact is next week in Boston. We do this. It is an annual conference and it moves around the country so people have access to it. It’s in Boston this year. Last year it was in Hollywood, California. Next year it’s in Michigan. So, yeah, that’s something you can tell Dan about and you’re in New York, correct?
K: Yeah, Boston’s close.
P: There’ll probably be close to 1500 people there.
K: Thank you so much.
P: I hope that helps.
G: Thanks for calling in, Karen. It’s great to have sensitive people in the office that haven’t lost kids. One of the things that I find, Patrick, is that you will make new friends and you will lose old friends for awhile because some people are just better grievers. Not everybody at the office is going to be able to handle this.
P: Yeah, and you know my wife has got a little saying that your friends walk in when you’re acquaintances walk out. That sort of really says that you will find new friends and friends that really do care and through that caring are able to help.
G: Do you find that people have difficulty taking time off? I have to tell you that this idea that you’ve got to be competent that first year. It would have been nice to have somebody come up and say to me, why don’t you take some time off. But I was teaching in nursing school at the time. I had students and rather than saying that, my boss said to me, I had a bet with everybody at the office that you’d come back and just take over again. And so what are you supposed to do with that? You have to take over again?
P: That’s really kind of a personal, individual situation. Some people are better served jumping back into the workplace and doing stuff. And that’s especially true of guys. I didn’t understand. I talked to grief experts a couple of years ago and guys used to grieve in the old days. The way they grieve was by doing something. And the doing something was building the casket and digging the grave. That’s the way guys grieve. So there are people who need to go right back to work. There are other people who need some time to get themselves together before they’re ready to go back and maybe they can’t go back full time. Maybe they need some kind of a flexible schedule and that’s what you want really, companies that step in with policies that accommodate those different needs. And I think that’s truly an important part of their policies because their most valuable resources are those people that work for them.
G: Well, what about senior management? It’s not so easy to replace some senior management or to have them move out or have them not function as they have?
P: It is not possible. That’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. And that depends. In my own case, we’re a small company. There’s three of us here who are senior partners. One-third of the senior partner group was out of touch or completely out for three weeks and then partial duty for about two months after that. But the other two came in and picked up the slack and people can do that. If you stepped off the curb tomorrow and got hit by a bus, your company would continue. Well, you’ve got hit by a bus here only it’s called grief. And you need some time to recover. You’re not gone forever. So the more that you can accommodate what that employee needs, the quicker they are apt to return to some sense of normalcy and some level of productivity that they had before the death of a child.
G: Do you have any tips for people on how to stay in touch with their feelings but yet not break down?
P: I think when you first have these experiences, when you first have these emotions. If you’re sad, you need to let yourself be real sad. You almost have to wallow in your sadness because by doing that, you really recognize what sadness is and the next time it visits you, the intensity and the length of the visit is not as long. I used to see a lot of people who extend their suffering because they start to feel sad and they check themselves. Or they start to feel angry and they check themselves. I think if you’re angry, think about all the reasons you have to be angry and get real angry. Now, that doesn’t mean you hurt yourself or hurt any other people around you mentally or physically, but let yourself understand what anger is all about and then the next time that anger visits, like they said, it’s not as intense and the duration is not as long. You start to get comfortable with it.
G: One of the things I suggest to people is if you are in a situation where you have to handle your emotions, you can always go to the bathroom, which is a great place to go. When you get in there, you can wash your hands, put some cold water on your face, look out the window, get a drink. A drink helps you to get rid of that tight throat you’ve got, the lump. And it’s important to be drinking and eating while you’re going through this process at work. You need to have maybe small snacks and, as I said, take a walk. Don’t eat lunch at your desk. Rather, go out and take a walk even though you may feel like laying on your desk and sleeping. You may not want to do that. You may want to just get up in the fresh air. What are your thoughts about those ideas?
P: Yes. People forget about the physical aspects of grief. Grief is hard work and you’re not going to be able to deal with it unless you’re taking care of yourself physically and that means eating smart, not overeating. Some people don’t want to eat at all. They lose all their appetite. Other people compensate by eating everything in sight. You’ve got to eat smart and you’ve got to exercise. You’ve got to keep yourself in relatively good shape.
G: Even though it’s embarrassing. I remember the first time I ran, I just thought this is terrible. My neighbors must think I am a heartless, heartless woman. And I’m sure going back to the gym or things like that, you’re worried about what people think about you not staying in your house grieving.
P: You know what, initially you do. And then when you realize the benefits of what you’re doing to yourself, you care less about what other people might think. You only care about how does this impact me and am I starting to feel better as a result of this? I think that’s an overlooked aspect of grief. The physical aspect and the requirement that grief puts on us physically. Let’s talk a little bit after break about the physical aspects because I wanted to mention a couple of things about that. So it’s time for us to go to break again for our final break and please stay tuned for more comments and advice from our guest and to hear more about next week’s very special topic and guest. Patrick, I wanted to ask you before the show ends if we’ve missed any important points and are there any things that you’d like to bring up?
P: There are two things that I wanted to address and they’re more directed toward the employers out there, businesses. Businesses need to know that there’s tremendous value in how they deal with grief in their workplaces. I was looking at a study from 2003 by the Grief Recovery Institute called the Grief Index. They estimate the annual cost of grief in the workplace, all sorts of grief, at about $75 billion in loss of productivity. And half of that, almost $38 billion is due to grief associated with the death of a loved one. So from a practical business standpoint, there are good reasons that employers should employ compassionate policies in dealing with this so that they can minimize that loss of productivity and get that employee back on the healing process.
G: That’s a very good point. There must be a huge number of days lost.
P: Yeah, sure. It’s days lost. It’s days where the employee shows up and they’re there and the lights are on but nobody’s home. That blank look on their face. Their not very productive. So all of this stuff adds up to a great deal of monetary damage to business in the United States.
G: As Betty was saying about the grief with her mother, she said she’s forgetting things and not remembering and not coming in in conference and saying the things she could have said and just not as productive.
P: Think about the impact if you’re in a dangerous profession and you have this blank look on your face. Think about the impact if you’re driving a forklift and you’re not thinking.
G: Or in a production line.
P: I mean, yeah, people can get hurt here. We’re not only talking about productivity but we’re talking about health, safety, and welfare.
G: And I worked in a hospital giving medications and all that kind of thing and the nursing field is the largest field in the nation so they certainly should, hospitals should have some protocol for this and I don’t know that the hospital I worked in did and I worked in a medical center.
P: Well, that brings up the second point then and that’s this idea of recognizing what a compassionate employer looks like and TCF has created a recognition award for just that kind of situation where an employer goes out of their way to provide an environment that is healing and helpful for their bereaved employees. A couple of criteria. Their policies support bereavement needs. They arrange additional time off beyond the familiar three days. They offer support services, EPA, things like that. They demonstrate a caring attitude. They show some flexibility in the work assignments, in evaluating job performance. And there’s a lot of information about the compassionate employer recognition award on the TCF website. So if people out there are interested in nominating their employer for that, we do that on an annual basis, so I think that’s another thing that’s helpful.
G: That’s great. So the employee can nominate their company.
P: Absolutely. Most of our nominees, the companies have been nominated by their own employees. And they just feel so good about what their company did for them.
G: Now, do you have any special stories of people who have received the award that come to mind for you?
P: I was lucky enough to present two of the awards in our first year. One of them was a commercial real estate company headquartered in Dallas, Texas. It happened to be owned by Roger Staubach, the former quarterback from the Dallas Cowboys. To hear the employee talk about what the company and what Roger had done when her child died, it was heartwarming. The neat thing was, when we came to present the award, Roger was actually embarrassed by the award, and I said, no, you shouldn’t be. And he said, you know, I am because every company should do this. This should be the minimum expectation. He had the right frame of mind.
G: Had he had a loss? Do you know how he was so sensitive to it or is he just a sensitive guy? Sensitive boss?
P: I don’t believe he had a loss. I believe he’s just one of those people that really does care about other people and it’s these kinds of situations that those people kind of step forward.
G: Patrick, one thing I wanted to ask you about was how about pictures on the desk of deceased loved ones?
P: I have pictures of my son. I have two pictures of my son in my office. I see nothing wrong with that. I think probably there are some limitations there. I think some people go a little overboard and almost build a shrine and that’s probably not appropriate in the workplace. If you’re going to do something like that, that’s probably better in the home environment. But I see nothing wrong with having a picture of my son who died on my desk.
G: With these recognition awards, did people do shrine kinds of things? Have people talked about walls or trees or have you heard of any of that being done at work or scholarships or something?
P: There are a number of ways that people have created memorials with the help of their company in terms of either scholarship or some kind of recognition on the company property. There’s just a variety of ways and what that does for a bereaved parent is it says look, this is going to be here forever. My child will never be forgotten. So it kind of feeds into that fear that our child died and we won’t forget them as long as these memorials go on. So a lot of companies do that. They establish scholarships or some other memorial. And that’s another one of the criteria.
G: Yes, I know. I worked with a family whose son was killed in Fallujah and they were doing a scholarship for him. Her husband wrote to the high school the kid went to and they were doing a whole scholarship for him through there. So even past places that your child has been can get involved with the whole process. Did you have anything special at work besides this one co-worker that was helpful for you or your wife or your other kids?
P: I think probably just the fact that people cared and, you know, people say to you all the time, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. The real helpful people are the ones who don’t ask but rather step in and say, I’m going to bring you dinner tonight. Or I’m going to come over and cut your grass this weekend. They don’t ask to do it. They just step in and do it.
G: And probably in the workplace, too. I’ll xerox that off for you. I know you’ve got this meeting. I’ll answer that phone.
P: Or let me cover that assignment. I’ll go to Boston for you or I’ll go to New York for you on that call. Those kinds of things are so helpful. That would be another indicator. Don’t ask people to tell you what they can do to help, but rather offer it.
G: I know after our son died, my husband’s partner came up to me when my husband wasn’t around and said to me, you know, I really want you to know I’m there for you. If there’s anything I can do for you or your husband. I see him more at work, but please let me know what you need, and if he needs anything, please call me. Which I really appreciated.
P: Yeah. They step beyond just the contact with the business setting but with you and that’s another indicator. Don’t forget the spouse that’s not the employee.
G: Also, don’t forget the kids. The siblings sometimes feel left out. If you can go up to them and talk to them, too.
P: Siblings often refer to themselves as the forgotten mourner.
G: Right. We’ll be doing a show on that later on. Well, it’s time for us to go now and I wanted to thank you for being on the show, Patrick. It’s been wonderful and I think you’ve given a lot of great advice to people about dealing with loss in the workplace. Thank you.
P: Thank you very much for having me and keep up the good work.
G: Okay, and we’ll see you at the national conference. I want to thank Patrick Malone and please tune in again next week to hear Dr. Robert Thompson, author of Remembering the Death of a Child, winner of a national book award in 2003. Dr. Thompson will discuss his son’s death and will explore the difference between acute grief and depression. He will share seven common findings of parents with the death of a child. We’ll also discuss whether or not to take antidepressants. This show is archived on www.thecompassionatefriends.org website as well as www.Health.VoiceAmerica.com. This is Dr. Gloria Horsley. Please tune in again next week Thursday at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time, 12:00 Eastern, for more of Healing the Grieving Heart, a show of hope and renewal and support. Remember, others have been there before you and made it. You can, too, and you need not walk alone. Thanks for listening. I’m Dr. Gloria.