Having a hard time
June 27, 2008 by Death of a Child
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death of a Child, Q&A
Hi Dr. Gloria,
I have been listening to your show for a while. I download to Ipod and listen in the car. Eight years ago my 3 year old son was killed when a truck backed over him while he was walking with his sister and childcare provider to the store. As you know the pain was intense. As the usual people surrounded me, and my husband stayed strong and went back to work a week later. I went through two years of intense counseling and my two surviving children did as well. My husband did not. We were not able to collect from the drivers insurance company so our lawyer used a loop hole in the state and we ended up collecting a insurance settlement from my husbands companies underinsured motorist policy. I know that lawyers are there not to really support you but get for you what they can, and what I think we really wanted was for the driver to held accountable. However, this was very early on in the process and we basically were on autopilot and did what we were told.
My husbands company did not take the news well and he felt threatened and left. This was a job he had held for 10 years and was good at it. During this time I was able to be home with our surviving children ages 6 and 10 at the time. However, I eventually had to go back to work and currently continue to do so. My husband has gone from job to job leaving when he thinks someone knows what happens and is trying to hurt him by backstabbing him. Recently he has transferred that to our social life, we had a couple that we did everything with and he feels that they are somehow talking to the guys at work so they know about us and then they make fun of them. He has also done this to my father, and treats him with anger when he sees him. He hates everything and is extremely angry. He does not care about his health and will not talk to anyone because he thinks they will tell the guys at work. He can be very mean, and then turn around and apologize. He is not able to talk about our son unless its angry. It is getting unbearable at our house, constant fighting, I feel like I have had to give up my family and best friends. I feel that he suffers from complicated grief and depression but won’t accept help. Please if you have any information, suggestions or ideas that would be great. I feel like I am struggling upstream and
making no head way.
Wendy
Dr. Gloria Responds
Dear Wendy,
So sorry to hear about your son’s death and all of the other issues. I frankly don’t think you can blame all of your husband’s problems on the death of your son. After 8 years we all need to be investing in the future with your other beautiful children. My advice to you is to reach out like you have today. This tells me that you are ready to get on with your life. The greatest gift you can give to your family is a happy you. I would suggest that you contact your local social services, minster, family, friends. You may also attend grief groups at your local hospital or Compassionate Friends. You might even want to contact your local battered women’s shelter. They have wonderful, free, groups for women. Go to a couple of groups and you will hear that emotional abuse is far more difficult for them than physical abuse. Get help for yourself and you will find than your husband’s behavior will change. If you hesitate to do it for yourself then do it for the children. If you have siblings look to them for support in reaching out. You husband will probably not like you to reach out but you need to be strong and say it for yourself and not for him. Don’t be influenced by his desire to “keep things quiet”. There is no shame in anything that has happened to you. Keep listening to the show. These problems are not ones that you should keep quiet. Reach out to the world! I would like to ask you if we can post your question and my answer on our blog. We can change your name. If you are having this problem I’m sure that many women are experiencing the same issues. Take care. Gloria
Dear Wendy,
My heart goes out to you, your husband and your children. July will be 5 years since my son/only child was murdered, and it is still something I rarely discuss the details of due to the pain and anger, of which I feel will always be with me to some degree. I am in close contact with many bereaved parents and try to stay focused on a more positive path through my journey. However like your husband, sometimes I too find myself being overly skeptical and suspicious of outsiders=people who have not lost a child. Anyone that has not walked in our shoes can not possibly understand our pain and anger over loosing a child, which too often causes us to seclude ourselves from those who could never truly understand.
So often bereaved parents are forced to return to work either because of financial strain, or lack of patience and support from their employer. Typically I find that bereaved fathers (men being the main financial supporters) return to work too soon, which disrupts their healing process. When grief is denied it only comes back later ten fold. I personally pay no mind to the year mark of how long it’s been since your son’s death, as bereaved parents do find ways to get through it, I believe they never TRULY get over it. This is a life long journey that we learn to survive day by day, sometimes moment by moment.
I understand your husband’s pain, and yours over his lack of healthy coping skills. Dr. Gloria has offered some good suggestions, however sometimes those options just aren’t practical for everyone. I would like to suggest he find an online support group, private, and specifically for bereaved parents (this is really not a plug for my site) but an extended hand to offer him and you much needed support, privacy, and anonymity. Regardless of how or where, I hope he finds a means of support to finally confront and express his grief in healthier ways, for the sake of his health and the survival of your family unit as a whole.
Wishing you and your family peace, light and comfort.
Sincerely,
Cherri
Founder of My Child Loss Grief.org
Hi Wendy
Lost of child is the biggest punishment to the parent. Life is unfair, it is painful to see us who has a whole life ahead not having a chance to fulfill it and reach a simple goal and ambition.
May be our child is the little angel. Our child probably finished their mission in here and returned to heaven and rest in peace. Life is about loving and suffering. We glad that our child only had love. Therefore, we are carrying the suffering part of the life for them until we meet in heaven. One day we will see each other.
Bless you and your family.
Hope you peace and widsom.