Healing Takes Both Time and Patience - Second in the Holiday Series

By Dr. Gloria

As I started decorating the tree this year my six year old grandson, Ryan, comes over to give me a hand.  He is excited to open the box of ornaments and help grandma put them on the tree.  We take them out of the box one by one and we discuss the merits and history of each shape and color.  Ryan is excited when I tell him that the strange looking clown with the peaked hat has his mother’s name, Rebecca, painted on the its red coat. Again there is excitement when he sees that the hand made cookie cutter ornaments have the pictures of his aunt Heather and Uncle Shawn pasted on them.  I am taken back when we take the bright shinny green ball with the name Scott glued on it with silver sprinkles.  Whose name is that grandma?  I hesitate, and look at the dear little face.  I say, “well that is your mother’s brother, Scott’s ornament”.  Oh, he says, “he died” and we decide to save it to hang later.  I notice a few days later that the ornament is still sitting in a bowl by the tree, waiting for the boy who will never return.

It has been many years since Scott and his cousin Matt were killed in an automobile accident.  Twenty-four Holiday seasons without our son and brother.  Do we think of him?  Oh yes, and we love to remember him and how much he enjoyed the Christmas cookies and putting up the tree.  At 17 he was the one who carried the tree into the house and placed the lights on it.  He always complained about the old tree stand and how hard it was to get the tree to stand straight.  I love to look at the picture of him, looking strong at age 17 and pleased with himself for finally accomplishing the task.  How, I think, did we ever survive our loss and move on to use our experience to help others?

There is I believe something to be said for addressing an event or task four times.

The first Christmas it was recommended that we stay home and try to do the things that we had always done.  We made the cookies, decorated the tree and wrapped presents, and we all cried when we all got together to hang Scott’s ornament.  One of our friends did a secret Santa and left small gifts of food by our door every night for two weeks.  I don’t remember much about the day; I think we were just on automatic pilot.  I was relieved when we the Holiday’s finally ended.

The second Christmas they said that we could do something different.  We spent Christmas day in Disney Land.  I mistakenly thought it would not be busy on Christmas.  Wrong, it was mobbed.  My father had died seven months earlier and my mother joined us and our two daughters, first in Disney Land and then on to Hawaii.  It was a relief as Scott and dad had never been there so there were few reminders and no ornaments.

The third Christmas we again stayed home, but this year we again got the ornaments out and hung Scotty’s ornament on the tree with only a lump in our throats.  We had friends over and went to parties.

The forth Christmas we saved Scott’s ornament for last and shared favorite stories of Scott. We laughed at remembrances of his chaining the portable television to his desk when, his sister, Heidi went to pack it for her trip to college.

It seems that we repeated this pattern of needing to do things four times in order to integrate them into our lives.  So it is important to remember to be patient with yourself at this time of year.  Some events like Christmas come only once a year and so it takes a bit longer to integrate them into your life.  Other things such as shopping for special foods, happen four times in a week or two.  Some things only happen once in a life time such as graduation or a wedding.  Remember that grief is a normal process and that over time memories of the boy or girl hanging the ornament will be a snap shot of life that you will always remember and cherish.

Have a Happy Holiday.  Dr. Gloria