How Can I Help My Boyfriend Who Lost Two Children?
February 19, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Q&A
I need some help! My boyfriend has lost two of his children. His daughter was killed 11/15/05 in an automobile accident. She lived in NC at the time and lives in GA. A year and 14 days later 11/29/06 his 16 year old son died from complications of brain cancer. When I first met him he told me all about his children and what had happened, he seemed to want to get past the daily hurt and start living his life again. Yet he is not doing that. I feel that I have helped him all that I can by listening and sharing my own story with him, but he seems like he does not want to begin the healing process. What can I do I am desperate to find him some help.
Denice
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Denice,
Your boyfriend is fortunate to have someone as understanding and compassionate as you for a girlfriend.
We wish we could tell you that if you and he do certain then everything will be o.k. in a given period of time. Unfortunately grief just doesn’t respond that way. It is important to understand that everyone grieves in his own way. There is no time limit on grieving nor is there a right or wrong way to process grief. Two years is not much time to recover from the devastating loss of two children. The pain never goes completely away for most of us, but there is a time when life is bearable again and we can look forward to another day.
It might help him to attend some meetings of The Compassionate Friends if you have a group in your area. http://www.compassionatefriends.org The group is composed of bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings who who come together for comfort, support and healing. If there are no groups in your area or your boyfriend is not interested in a group, then reach out to family and friends. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.
He might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart. You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com He might also find a number of past shows that can give him (and you) help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ Several shows that may be especially helpful for both of you are listed below.
January 31, 2008
Finding Meaning After the Death of Two Children
Guest: Rosemary Smith
January 3, 2008
What Do I Do Now? Dealing with Multiple Losses
Guest: Tom Zuba
January 17,2008
Healing With Hope
Guest: Rabbi Earl Grollman
December 13, 2007
Men and Loss
Guest: Neil Chethnik
Be sure you give him the time and space he needs to grieve, listen to him when he wants to talk, and ask him what he needs from you to help him through this. There really are no words that can comfort but your loving and supportive presence can give him a safe place to grieve and heal.
We will post this on the Grief Blog for those who, like you, need help in giving support to a bereaved loved one. You might like to listen to Healing the Grieving Heart on this coming Thursday, because often we refer to letters we have received on The Grief Blog.
Blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
Â
I’m not sure that anyone can say anything that would help your boyfriend, just let him know that you love and care for him. Also if he wants to talk about his kids really listen and support him and let him cry.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Julie
I don’t mean to sound harsh, but unless you experience the loss of a child you cannot possibly understand the depth of the pain. If your boyfriend is actually dating someone(you) then he IS trying to get on with his life. This is not about you. If you want a “normal†boyfriend, find someone else. Men handle emotions differently than women. I cannot stress that enough. I’m sorry, but comparing stories of losses, unless your story is the loss of two children very recently (in grief terms) and very close together, isn’t always therapeutic to the griever. Sometimes it seems as if the storyteller wants the grievers sympathy and please believe me, the griever, even healthy grievers, sometimes have little to give. If you want a boyfriend like the others you have had, you really need to find someone else and just be a friend to this man. If you are capable of a very mature and selfless love, be patient, be willing and interested in LISTENING TO HIS STORY, and to stories about his children, and realize that he may not be able to adjust to “the new normal†for several years.
Pam
Pam,
Not only did you sound harsh, but perhaps instead of ASSUMING I haven’t been through anything like this, you should have asked. My twin girls died in my arms, one at a time. And actually only two hours apart. The tragic event that lead to their death has haunted me for years. When I sent the blog in, I did not write about my own story because as you so eloquently put it, this ISN’T ABOUT ME!!! I wrote in here for advice on how I can help him, not myself. I didn’t realize this was a dating service and your advice is to find another man. Thank you for your inspiration, as little as it was.
Thank you Julie for posting Compassionate Friends. We have found a local group and will be attending our first class TOGETHER this Thursday.
Denice