How do I deal with grief, anger and frustration?
May 20, 2008 by Death of a Child
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death of a Child, Q&A
My son died last December 6 and on Dec 10 the coroner called me and told me that the autopsy had revealed he died of pneumonia, they knew he’d had no symptoms and there were no drugs or alcohol in his system. Almost as an afterthought he told me that there would be toxicology tests that would take some time to complete and I would get the report then. I was very confused by this diagnosis. What 22 year old ever died of pneumonia that no one knew he had?
Last week I received the report which said there were no signs of pneumonia and he died of an accidental drug overdose. The coroner has apologized that he did not make himself clear but I have witnesses who heard me say “pneumonia?” and “are you sure?”. He told me he was absolutely sure.
I had made peace with the “fact” that my son had died of pneumonia. He had bi-polar disorder and did abuse drugs. Now I have to start all over trying to deal with this new cause of death. I am so frustrated and angry. I will see this coroner (who did not do the autopsy) and the chief coroner of our area tomorrow. I’d rather be seeing a lawyer but I don’t want my son’s autopsy results publicly known. My mother has had three heart attacks since Paul died and is now receiving palliative care in my sister’s home. She doesn’t need to know this now and if I sue she would find out.
How do I deal with this anger and frustration?
Margaret
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Margaret,
We are so very sorry for your loss. Nothing prepares us to lose a child and there are few words that can console or give us confort as we go through the grief that ensues. It is a time to be gentle with yourself.
We are hearing that you have great anger and frustration regarding your sons death as well as change in the cause of his death. You also have your mother’s health issues to deal with. It sounds as though you need some sound support at this difficult time. Yours is a very early loss and we would suggest that you reach out as you have with us. Talk to your friends and if you have a member of the clergy go to them. The more you can discuss this issue and gain clarity the more you will have an understanding of how to proceed.
While it is understandable that you may want to look at legal avenues, many of our bereaved parents have tried this route and found it to be highly unsatifactory and a painful process. We think it is good that you are talking to other coroners. The more you can reach out the better.
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Hear You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/. We particularly recommend:
January 26, 2006
Dealing With Professionals: Death of a Troubled Child
Guest: French Smith
Again we are so very sorry for your loss. Please keep in touch and let us know how it goes.
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
Margaret,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious and beautiful son. I am also sorry that you have had to deal with this confusion during this terrible and painful time. Our 20 year old son also was bipolar. After an autopsy, we were also told he died of an accidental drug overdose and pneumonia.
December is still so recent and the pain is so large. I hope you take care of yourself during this time.
Gentle Hugs,
Debra Reagan
http://www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com
I am so sorry for your loss.I know your pain.I too lost my beautiful Child.Come join us at
http://www.mychildlossgrief.org/
and then join our loss forum.
http://mychildlossgrief.com/simplemachinesforum/index.php
or if you would just like to e-mail me that would be fine too.
Louise@mychildlossgrief.com
We are sister’s and brothers in grief.
Peace and light
Louise
http://www.angel-keren.virtual-memorials.com/
Margaret
My daughter was also bi-polar. For four years I fought and argued with doctors who constantly mis-diagnosed her, After they finall realized she was bi-polar they had her on five different meds and only two were the right ones. Out of those two, the one that would have helped the most she was only getting a third of the dosage she needed.
At the time of her death, she had been getting better for about five months. Then she was given aan antibiotic by her PCP, from his supply closet. This drug interacted with another grug she was on and as a result she died. She did not tell me that she had been given that drug; if she had I knew she could not take it and she would be alive today.
Her PCP states that he did not know she was on the other medication, which is a lie because I filled out the forms. Of course there was no medication list in her file. I would not have sued; I just wanted him to tell me he was sorry.
I don’t believe you ever get over the death of a child. Miranda was my only child, she was only 26; she would have turned 29 on January 26, 2008.
Margaret and Debra and others…This is unreal…my 19 year old son was also Bi Polar and his death last July 1, 2007 was ruled accidental drowning as he was found in a lake. BUT the last week of his life he was not himself…and had been to his “mental health clinic” 3 times…”crawling out of his skin”…definitely NOT himself. Coroner said NO drugs…and we concluded he had stopped taking his meds…Clinic had put him on Invega…which seemed to only highten his mania and agitation…Anyone know anything about this Invega??? I wouldn’t give it to a rat..Anyway we are coming up on the one yr anniversary of his death and it hurts just as much as ever…every minute of every hour of every day..Thanks for listening…Mary
M.Moir,
My heart aches along with yours, because I know the deep anguish you are going through. I am so sorry about your son’s death.
I am not familiar with Invega. Many different types of medications were tried on Clint, but nothing seemed to provide sustained relief. For the longest time my heart was heavy with questions and wondering what could have been done differently. I felt guilty that I could not solve everything. Now, I know we all did the best we could at the time with the information we had. Clint fought his battles the best he could.
I will be thinking of you.
Hugs,
Debra
http://www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com
Our son was found in his apartment 6wks ago by his girlfriend,they were going on acamping trip.This was a weds. morn.We had seen him on sat. we talked to him on sun,mon and tried several times on tues night,it was bizzy,so i finally emailed him,we will all treasure that email forever.Our son had developed asthma within the last 5 yrs.He had always been able to reach us for help.The coroner called on that weds.and said they would do an autopsy the next day. I was told by my other son who was out of state,Mom ,do not get in the car and drive to our son.I was in shock.It took my husband several hrs.to come home,he was at the mercy of the train.Little did I know when I talked to the coroner my son had been left lying on the floor for at least 8 hrs.because they had found guns in his apartment,yes,they were all registered.They also found gun powder because he made his own bullets,it was cheaper.He liked to go to the shooting range.Because they found gun powder, they called in the bomb squad and evacuated the whole building…leaving our child on the floor the whole time.The autopsy said his lungs were clear, no heart problems,yes, we are waiting,we have no idea why our son died.Our son was 39 healthy and happy. The police ripped his apartment to shreads,left our child lying on the floor for an entire day,all they had to do was call in what they call a prior?He was a hard working,law abiding citizen.A beautiful human being,loved by many.The shock of loosing our child and we don’t know why?Yes,they did say there was no evidence of fowl play.What in the world gave the police the right to do this to our beautiful child?Our child is gone,hopefully we will find out the cause. Icalled the police station several times,they kept transferring me,finally I got a man that said,well mam…at least were you able to give your son a decent funeral? oH MY GOSH!!!!! our loss,his poor girlfriend,who loved him so. We are devastated,Anger,.yes it is here.We had abeautiful loving family,the police did not kill our child.Yet,what the heck were they doing??this is not law enforcement nor justice.If this would of happened to me or my husband,our child would have stood
up for what is right,this is not right.The burden on our hearts is emense,never in a million yrs would we have ever expexted our child to die before us,and then this? This is insane.
I read my own words,
I thank-you for givining me a place to vent.
Our child is gone and we do not know why?
It is just really hard when you do not know why?
Would it be easier to know he died a mutilated mess?No
Angry,Yes,although I know ,once you give in to anger,You have just given up your
power.So it reads in the books.
Did I ever think? anger,power,our child?
Hmmm..this must be a lesson.
We will take this lesson to heart. We will listen to the Man who knows all about all of our hearts. We will do all we can do. This was a travisty.This should not happen to anyone. We will search our hearts and listen. Thank-You