How Do I Help My Twin Sister?
April 21, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Q&A
Dear Dr. Gloria,
I am hopeful you can offer some thoughts on our situation. My twin sister went through a divorce in 2006. In March of 2007, our father fell ill and my sister and her youngest son, Cody, 13, moved in with him to take care of him. He passed away on September 24, 2007. Needless to say, his death was difficult on my sister, and her four sons, ages 13, 16, 17 & 22. Just when I thought we were starting to turn the corner and view his passing as a life “well lived”, tragedy struck. On December 3, 2007, my two nephews, 16 year old Andrew and 17 year old, Jeffrey, were on their way to school when their vehicle slid in snow and rolled over. Andrew, the driver, walked away without a scratch. Jeffrey passed away on his oldest brother’s 23rd birthday. I can not begin to tell you how devastated our lives are.
My entire family lives in Massachusetts, while I moved to Los Angeles ten years ago. I speak with my sister several times a day and spent almost the enti re month of December with her. I have a 3 year old daughter and am currently six months pregnant. I am planning to fly to MA in May to attend what should have been Jeffrey’s graduation and to help my sister pick out headstones for my Dad and my nephew.
My sister’s pain is so raw. She was seeing a grief counselor right after the accident but has since stopped going. She felt that unless the person had actually “walked in her shoes” then she had no idea how to help her. I am desperately trying to get her to attend a Compassionate Friends meeting but so far she is unable to do so. She just wants to go to sleep and never wake up. It’s so frightening for me to feel so helpless. I realize that the stages of grief are a long and complex process. If I could find her a therapist in her area (Worcester, MA) who is also a breavered parent, I know that would help tremendously.
Thank you for even taking the time to read this. I feel so helpless in this nightmare.
Sincerely
Sharon Â
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Dear Sharon,
We are so sorry for your losses. Both you and your sister have sustained multiple losses and the pain, as you say, is so raw. It is not unusual for someone in these early months after such trauma to feel like they just want to go to sleep and not wake up and it is frightening to both of you. While it is not uncommon it must be taken seriously and you are right in wanting to find someone who can help her. As a twin you understand her depth of pain better than anyone - and, as her twin, you may be feeling it as well. And, because you understand her better than anyone, you will most likely be able to help and comfort her more than anyone else just by your presence.
Your sister, or you when you visit next month, might want to contact the Compassionate Friends Chapter in her area and ask if they know of a therapist who has lost a child. Asking for a referral from other bereaved people who have had positive experiences with their therapists is a good way to find competent and effective help. There are some wonderfully effective therapists out there who have never lost children and your sister may not have been ready to work with anyone at that time. During the initial period of shock, it is difficult to hear what anyone has to say and we often push them away. With the time that has passed, and with your help, she may be able to interview a few therapists that she can feel comfortable with - who are a good fit. If she’s uncomfortable, it really is o.k for her to shop around and find another one. You can also look at the ADEC website (http://www.adec.org) and go to “find a thanatologist” option by geographic location. It may also be possible that, while you are with her next month, the two of you could attend a Compassionate Friends meeting together. It is always easier to go to a new, and perhaps intimidating, experience if someone you trust is with you.
Both you and your sister may be helped by listening to our show Healing the Grieving Heart that airs at 9 a.m. PST. You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ We recommend specifically the following shows:
January 3, 2008 What Do I Do Now? Dealing with Multiple Losses Guest:Tom Zuba
April 26, 2007 The Impact of Losing a Child Guest: Dr. Esther Wender
June 28, 2007 Dealing With Grief and Loss Guest:Â Dr. Kenneth J. Doka
December 7, 2007 How to Help Your Teens Grieve in a Healthy Way Drs. Heidi and Gloria are guests on The Parents Hour with Dr. Arline Kerman
We will post your letter on the blog (http://www.thegriefblog..com) so others my be helped by it and so those who may have information about a grief therapist in the Worcester, MA area may let you know. You may want to check frequently for messages. We have a group of loving, compassioate and informed readers who often reach out to each other on the Blog.
We hope this is of help to you and your sister.
Blessings,
Dr. Gloria Horsley
Hi Sharon - I’m sorry for the loss of your sister’s son. It’s hard for everyone concerned. It’s a special, intense pain for your sister.
I’ve been going to Compassionate Friends since the sudden accidental death of my seventeen year old son a year ago. But others I know who have lost children can not go to these meetings. They say it doesn’t help being around others who’ve lost children in equally devastating ways and hearing all of it just brings them down. I think it’s a personal choice and my recommendation is not to urge too strongly.
I think some of the best advice I was given was listen to yourself. Put your needs first for this time. No, your sister doesn’t know how long her suffering will be. Maybe forever. But during this time of protecting herself, she can contemplate, talk when she wants to, remain silent when she doesn’t, go out and join the community when she cares to and withdraw if she needs to ride solo.
Therapy, medication, friends, relatives, exercise and reading help me a lot. But nothing helps too much. It’s a horrible experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I’ve also been told that patience with self brings some resolve that life ahead is possible. I’ve had many days when I didn’t want to go on but I’m noticing changes in myself. I sometimes go back and have strong grieving and the need to be in a protected distant environment. Other times I can be out working, contributing and a source of love and strength for my family.
Peace to you, your sister and family now and don’t give up. Keep calling and don’t be offended if she’s not willing to talk or answer. In time she’ll take you up on your call of concern and start to talk. Clare