How Do I Survive the Murder of My Son? I Need Help.

I need help. recently, my son was murder and it is tearing me apart from my heart to my head. I do not know how to deal with it.  please respond to me. Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Bernice,

We are so very sorry for your loss. The hardest thing a parent can face is the loss of a child and murder makes it even more difficult to handle. We are glad to see you are reaching out for help. Know that it is alright to feel what you feel - there is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no time limit. In somes ways we never get over it and life is never the same, but it does begin to hurt less and allow for some degree of healing and a return to a more normal life. Right now your wounds are very fresh and very raw and it is not unusual that you feel “torn apart.” This is a time to be gentle with yourself -  to take time for rest,  to grieve in the way you need to at the moment and to involve yourself in those activities that bring you comfort. Drop your expectations of how grief is supposed to be and walk the path one day - or even one moment - at a time.

First of all we encourage you, when you are able, to find someone who can understand and that you can share your grief with. You may be able to find somone at a group such as The Compassionate Friends. There are chapters in New Mexico, although we aren’t sure how accessible they are for you. You can find them at http://www.geocities.com/tcfalbuquerque/tcfintro.htm. It would be worth the drive to be with other bereaved parents who understand what you are experiencing and how you feel. Each member has lost a child, grandchild or sibling and understands the pain of losing a child at any age. You may also find a group in Santa Fe or Albuquerque that is for someone who has lost a loved one by murder. If there are no groups available to you or if groups are not for you, you also find someone in your family, church or local community that you can confide in and who will walk this path with you. We have found that the load of grief is lighter if it is not carried alone.

We encourage you, too, to listen to our radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart that airs on Thursdays at 9 a.m. Pacific Time. You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/.  We recommend especially:

August 9, 2007
Surrendering to Grief
Guest: Iris Krasnow

May 31, 2007
A Mother’s Journey Through Grief
Guest: Beth Page

October 12, 2006
Death of An Adult Childless
Guest: Natalie Smith-Blakeslee

We will post your letter and our response on The Grief Blog. You might want to check frequently because our loving and compassionate readers often leave comments for you that give you support and help along this excruciating path you now walk,

Our blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley