How Do You Lose Your Brother?

What at? Did you say he shot himself? When did this…my head just started to spin. It was like I was having a very bad nightmare that I just needed to wake up from. February 7, 2006 was a day that I will not forget. My older brother took his gun and shot and killed himself in his bed that morning. The call had come from a niece of Sonny’s wife…and I couldn’t believe her words. On the way to his house my mind kept screaming that if I would just wake up this nightmare would end. If I could just wake up. But I was awake and this was true.

How in the world could I go on without my big brother? Without my mentor? And why didn’t he call me? We could have talked this out. Surely there was no problem that he had that could not be taken care of. And what about God in all this? I was filled with all these questions and had no answers.

The days that followed for me were a blur. From the funeral arrangements to the day at the cemetery. Just a blur and I barely remember nothing but that everyone looked at me for direction. What would Sonny want? I remembered times we had and conversations of the past. Sonny was a very strong willed person that did not ask anyone for anything. It was always his preference to take on the role as caretaker and leader. So in his mind asking for anything was totally unheard of. I wonder to this day what were his last thoughts and why it was that he felt this as his only answer to whatever was haunting him. He was not a sick person and was very level headed and it just still makes less than no sense whatsoever. I miss him and will always question why.

I have read that a person that is contemplating suicide usually sends out a cry for attention and I wonder if he had done this and his cry just went unnoticed.

As for me I still am trying to process feelings about what happened and put it in a better place in my heart. I have gone through a lot of emotions since his death and have pretty much settled in an area of resolve. I just wish that I had been able to stop this horrible thing from happening. He was a middle aged man and had a lot of living left. I will remember not the years I thought he had left, but will remember the intensity with which he lived the years he had. Only God knows what this child of his suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul.

Goodbye Sonny and go with God dear heart. I love you. Your sister Julie. http://aboutpersiancats.com http://askjulie.net

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 A Response from Drs. Gloria and Heidi

Dear Julie,

Heidi and I are so very sorry for your loss. Nothing can take the place of a brother, especially an older brother that has been your mentor. Heidi can certainly vouch for the pain that resulted from the loss of her brother.

A year is a short time in the scheme of things and grieving has no time frame and no rules. We each grieve in our own time and our own way.

We encourage you to check out The Compassionate Friends, a group of bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings who are there for each other through the grieving process and after. We have found that the burden of grief is lighter when it doesn’t have to be carried alone.  You can find them at http://www.compassionatefriends.org.

You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/  There are several about surviving the suicide of a loved one. For Instance  March 29, 2007 Margaret Margo talked about “Double Loss: A Mentally Ill Son Kills His Father and Then Himself” and  on March 15, 2007 Eric Hipple, former quarterback for the Detroit  Lions,  talked about the death of his teen age son from a self inflicted gun shot in his  story, “Real Men Do Cry.”
Please accept our sincere condolences.
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley