I Can’t Take It …
April 23, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Child, Q&A
I cant take it.
I have no one to support me in real life. No family at all except Nana and she is over in Australia. Bobby my husband says I make him depressed and That I need help. I told him he makes me feel worse. Brendan my youngest son keeps telling me to try harder. Its so much pressure I cant take it I want to run away from them all.
Now my sister who was my confidant asked me not to write about my feelings as I bring her down. I dont know if I can do this any more. I am getting to my breaking point. I am trying so hard but all my family make me feel like I am a failure and that I dont care and that I am not trying. My husband thinks I should be starting to heal. I am starting to resent them. What do I do. I am so lonely and I cant heal without support and walking around my house on tip toes so as not to hurt anyones feelings
Katrina
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Katrina,
We are so very sorry for your loss and join with you in your grief. It has been a very short time since Natasha died (I visited her memorial website) and it is so important that you be gentle with yourself and your family during this time. Each of you is doing the best you can do right now and it is important that you understand that often men and women grieve in very different ways. While you need to talk about it and remember, it sounds like your son and husband need to put it out of their minds and go on. Each of you is right and each of you needs to grieve in your own way and your own time - there is no time limit on grief and no right or wrong way to go about it.
We strongly recommend that you find help somewhere as soon as you can to help you deal with the guilt and depression you are feeling. If you are still in New Jersey there are a number of chapters of The Compassionate Friends (http://www.compassionatefriends.org) and we encourage you to go to at least three meetings to help you get your feet on the ground. Each member has experienced the death of a child and each has survived and grieved in his or her own way. They are a loving and supportive group that will let you talk about your daughter and help you with your grief. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â
If it is possible you might also like to schedule some sessions with a grief counselor who can help you know how to deal with your feelings of not being able to “take it.” If you can, get get this help as soon as possible. You may be able to get a referral from a local hospice or from someone in Compassionate Friends.
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/. We especially recommend:
March 6, 2008 Death of a Daughter and Lies About Grief Guest: Ann Hood
April 26, 2007 The Impact of Losing a Child Guest: Dr. Esther Wender
June 28, 2007 Dealing With Grief and Loss Guest:Â Dr. Kenneth J. Doka
Often we read letters we receive on The Grief Blog on our show so we encourage you to listen tomorrow if that is at all possible. We will also post your letter on http://www.thegriefblog with our response. Your story will touch the hears of others who have lost a child and they will take comfort in knowing they are not alone. You might want to check back periodically to read the comments our loving and supportive readers have left for you.
Blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
dear katrina, i too feel what you feel.i will be more than happy to share with you my tragic story.
dear katrina– iam so sorry for your loss . i believe most people visiting this site have gone through tragic loss — i lost an 11 year old daughter through bone marrow transplant in 2004 and i still remember her every single day!. the support comes from within, to know that you loved them to feel this pain and sorrow, but that they will not want you to feel so sooo sad all the time. we have equal responsibility for others too who deserv our love too.
take care and remember the loved ones do understand so does one that has passed into the next world — let them know you care in a responsible way– THEY UNDERSTAND BETTER AS THEY ARE IN A BETTER PALCE.
Thank you for your support. I do have a support group I go too and an online one as well. But sometimes I just need my family. Especially when my husband makes me feel like I cant cry in my own house or I will make him sad. .
Martha I would love to hear your story,
Thank you again, Just writing helps a bit to get the frustration out.
I booked an apointment with a pysciatrist who also counsles and is not just a pill popper so hopefully she can help.
Thank you so much Hugs to all
I so understand how you feel. My husband will talk about about our son anytime I want too. But he never brings him up on his own. My other 2 children, young adults will not discuss him ever. If you can’t talk to ones that loved him the most, what do you do? Well I tell you one of the best things I have done for myself is go to The Compassinate Friends. Everyone there has lost a child and they want to listen to you and you listen to them. It is very healing. Please do not let anyone, and I mean well meaning family and friends tell you how to grieve. Find someone who will listen to you and not try to fix you. I do not know where you are on this journey, but I can tell you it has been one year four months and 23 days for me. I don’t cry all the time anymore, and I make myself do a little more everyday. Sometimes I go backwards, but the next day I go forward a little further. I have even smiled and laughed at memories of my son. I wasn’t doing that even a month ago. I do know our children would not want us to be sad forever and in thier memories we should try. But there is a hole where he was in my heart and a lack of joy. But I will keep trying everyday and you can try too. Just do what you can do. I will pray for you Katrina. I will check in to see how you are. You are not alone.
Dear Katrina,
My heart broke when I read your message. I lost my son, Damon in October 2007 in a car accident. The pain of that loss has been overwhelming. If not for my sister, an angel on earth, I would not have been able to deal with this loss at all.
She has been there with quiet resolve. Many of the things that she has offered have helped me. I am hoping that by sharing them with you there might be something that can help.
When I was floundering with how to handle the horror, she suggested that I find a positive way to remember Damon. I have turned that into a memorial fund, through donations from his family and friends, that will be used to build a playground for the children in the town where he lived. This for me is a much better way to remember my son, rather than a funeral.
I always remember him on special occasions. Each dinner or special event that we have I light a small candle in rememberance of him which burns throughout the day. Some how this makes me feel that his spirit is with us. At first my family was uncomfortable with this, but over the last few months they have come to accept it and the awkwardness for them has disappeared. Remember you have to do what makes you feel close to your child on the other side, for me this is the only way to deal with the grief.
The hardest thing for me has been the way others have handled Damon’s passing. I get lots of comments about how he is in a better place, or that they understand how I feel. I know and you know that NO ONE really understands how a mother feels at the loss of her child. I try to remember that they believe that what they are saying is helpful. Though sometimes it is not easy to do.
Above all remember that you are not alone. Many of us who have lost children are out here trying to deal with grief and pain Many of us are here to reach out to if you need to talk or vent your anger or try to come up with ways to live through this process. Please seek help from those who know the crush of grief too well, there are many wonderful people that are willing to help.
My heart goes out to you and your family. If I can help, let me know.
Katrina
I understand completely. I cry alone in Miranda’s room every day. My husband, friends and family think I should be “over it” by now. I want to scream at them and ask them how do I get “over it?’ I hold it in, because I know there’s no answer. I journal alot. I write poetry.
I know that love never dies, that she is in a better place, but I still want her here with me or if God would let me I would go immediately.
I don’t feel alive, I just exist.
I grieve for my son that found his baby boy gone.He passed away from SIDS.My heart aches because he will forever have this image sketched in his brain.Has anyone gone thruogh this?I need help in this area….
Katrina and Elaine
I so understand where you are coming from.
My husband has been wonderful, but he was my daughter’s step-father. And though he loved her very much, I just don’t think it’s the same for him. Like you, Elaine, he will talk about “it” anytime I need to, but he never brings it up either.
I think it may be different for mothers. After all, there was a time when we carried our children in our womb; they were totally dependent on us for everything. They were litterally a part of us…just the two of us in the same body for nine months.
My older daughter has pretty much shut down. I can’t show her my pain because she worries about me and it’s not fair to add that to her burden. So I find myself pretending that I am better than I am. And we talk about things that don’t really matter to me anymore.
I hate that. I wish I could just go away where I could cry when I wanted, sleep when I could ,which isn’t often and have someone who didn’t expect me to quit feeling this way ever and who would want to talk about “it ” forever if that is what it takes.
My husband and I went to a restaurant Friday night and they seated us directly behind the booth that my daughter and I sat the last time we went there together. I started shaking and having one of my uncontrollable and unpredictable panic attacks. My husband says he is worried about me because I seem so fragile.
He has no idea how very fragile I am.
I have written a book. In it I have tried to explain what it means to lose Sarah and what it has done to me; how I struggle to get through the day; and why I even try.
I poured my heart and guts into this book and finished the rough draft last week.
It really helped me to say what I needed to say, but now that it is finished, I don’t know what to do with all my feelings.
I do feel so bad for everyone on this website. I hope, if my book gets published, it might help people like us just to know that there is someone out there who really really understands and feels the devastating grief that we all feel when we lose a child.