I Lost my Brother and Mother
January 16, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Parent, Death of a Sibling, Q&A
My mother had a 3 story house that is broken into one studio apartment with a bathroom in the basement, a 2-bedroom duplex on the first and second floor. I lived in the studio apartment, my mother and sister shared the first floor and my brother had the second floor duplex. We all lived there like one happy family. It’s hard to believe that 4 adults could live together and get alone but we did.
On June 23rd my sister and I were awaken by a knock on the door. My sister is a chaplain at one of the local hospital in our city. So when she say a police officer and a chaplain at our door she knew someone was dead. She called me from downstairs. The officer told me that my brother had fallen from a second story balcony and broke his neck which led to his death. He has just turned 53 years old 11 days before that.
My mother was out of town visiting with her sister. So we had to figure out a way to tell her long distance. My aunt called her pastor and they delivered the news to my mother. We buried my brother a week later after Mom returned home. It was such a shock to us all because my brother had struggled with drug addiction for many years but had been clean for 2 years and was doing well. We would have expected it 3 or 4 years ago when he was on the streets.
Since my brother’s death, my mother decided I should move into his apartment. So we started fixing it up for me. On Saturday, July 14th my mother came upstair and just wanted to be with me while I was painting. She didn’t say much except that she was tired and wanted to see her boys. (my other brother died 15 yrs ago) Later, we said our good nights and went to bed.
The next day was Sunday and Mom and I had planned to go to my church together, then dinner, then shopping. At about 7:45 in the morning my sister was screaming my name from the basement stairs. When I got to the bottom of the stairs something in her face told me my mother was gone. In her bedroom I found my mother comfortably cuddled in her bed and surrounded by her many pillows but cold as ice.
She was my friend, my confidant, my hanging buddy and dinner companion. And I was her “baby”. I still have a hard time believing that she is gone even 6 months later. I never realized how much she was a part of my life. My life is and will never be the same. I thought I couldn’t live through the death of my big brother and then my mother died too.
The bible says that He will not put more on us than we can bare. And He will never leave or forsake us. So to me that means no matter how hard we think a thing is, God will be with us through whatever comes our way.
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Zola,
We are so very sorry for your double loss. No words can fill up the empty space left by the deaths of your brother and mother and give you the comfort you need. Six months is a very short time, a time to be gentle with yourself while healing takes place. There is no time frame on grieving and there is no right or wrong way to do it. We each grieve in our own time and our own way.
We encourage you and your sister to find a grief group in your area, perhaps in your church, because we have found that the burden of grief seems lighter when you do not have to carry it alone.
We also encourage you to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ We recommend in particular the shows that aired January 3, 2008 with Tom Zuba, “What Do I Do Now? Dealing With Multiple Losses” and June 28, 2007 “Dealing with Grief and Loss” with Dr. Kenneth Doka. We often read letters on the air that have come in to us through The Grief Blog so you might want to listen this coming Thursday morning. We will post your letter on the blog. We find athat the letters are helpful to many who read them, and they often bring great comfort to you from those who write coments of loving compassion.
Blessings,Â
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
Zola is my friend. I have watched her be brave, and strive for understanding and seek some comfort or relief from her grief. I commend her for trying to find outlets that are personal to her and public for help that sometimes only a stranger can give her. I know Zola will stand strong, even on the days when she just needs a hug. Grief subsides over time when you are ready my friend. Take each day and make it a triumph that you still can laugh, smile, and cry; but the love for your brother and mother is there, don’t strap it down embrace it, you will fill the void you have now when you are ready to! You are loved by your friends and we will be there to at least give you a hug when you need one.
I am also a friend and co-worker of Zola’s. She has an untapped well of strength that she does not know she has. She is always the one to give a helping hand, or have a kind word or smile. Humble is the role she plays in life, truly a beautiful spirit. But most of all, she is a child of the King. She has a reservoir of strength that can conquer all. All she has to do is tap into it. Zola has a support system that she has designed unknowingly, and just needs to know that “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” My parents both have transferred from this earthly plain, and I know the hole that death leaves in your life. I know that love we shared is real, and still abides. That is my comfort. I also know that if she allows, God is everything we all need. Hold strong to that Zola, and be blessed. Remember that your mom equipped you a long time ago to walk this part of your journey. She made sure of that. Rest in the knowledge that she is with Jesus, a place she worked hard in this life to be. Let that be for comfort, and plant the seeds she planted with you with your child, to equip her as well. We love you, David.