I Lost My Brother on August 14

On August 14, 2007 I lost my younger brother on a car accident. I cried up o the day of his funeral 3 days later but has since not been able to cry when it comes to him. I see how much pain the lost of my brother has caused my mother and father. I hear them talked and lend a ear when they want to talk but I feel detached.I feel guilty that I am not suffering or that perhaps I have moved on to fast. The only thing I know is that whatever I am feeling or bottling up is nothing compared to what my mother is feeling.
So I was wondering, as mother who have lost a child, does pain lessen over time? How can I help my mother before the grief overcomes her?

Johanna

Dear Johanna:
I am so sorry to hear about the recent loss of your brother in a car accident.  It is very difficult to lose a sibling.  You mentioned that you feel detached and are unable to cry; your brother has only been dead a couple of weeks, and you are most likely still in shock.  What you are describing is very common after the death of a brother or sister.  When my younger brother died in a car accident, I put my grief on hold for a time because I was so worried about my parents.  Bereaved siblings  often feel like we need to be strong for our parents, so we repress our own grief reactions.  However, this doesn’t mean that you’ve moved on, your focus is just on your parents at this point.  As they become stronger over time you will most likely have stronger grief reactions.  Plus the reality of your brother’s death probably hasn’t set in yet. In response to your question about pain becoming less over time; Yes, pain does lessen over time, but this knowledge usually is not helpful early on. What is helpful is the support of friends and family, and people who really understand what it’s like to lose a sibling or child.  Many have also found great comfort in support groups like Compassionate Friends.  In response to your question about how to help your mother before the grief overcomes her.  There is really no way to protect people from their grief.  We hurt so much, because we loved so much.  The grief will most likely overcome your mother at times, as it will overcome everyone that was close to your brother.  However, know that your not alone and that you and your family will somehow get through this very difficult time.  Many newly bereaved have also found our radio show to be a great comfort.  Our thoughts are with you and your family at this time.  Thank-you for reaching out to us.  Sincerely,
Dr. Heidi Horsley

 

Dear Johanna,

Don’t worry about the fact that you are not grieving.  Not grieving or feeling anything at this time may be the way you are expressing your grief.  As for your mother she is also grieving in her own way.  The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to take care of yourself.  Parents do suffer and it is scary for the other children. You and your parents might be helped by our book, “Teen Grief Relief” even if you are not a Teen.  We also suggest that you reach out to other family members and friends for support.  You and your parents will get through this difficult time.  Look for a sibling group in your community.  You may find one through your hospital or school. 

Dr. Gloria Horsley