I Lost My Grandson to SIDS
November 28, 2007 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Grandchild, Q&A
I lost my grandson Braxton Tyler to SIDS when he was 7 weeks old. He passed on 12/21/03 and I still grieve to this day. I miss him just as much today and when he died. I wonder when will it get easier ?!? I dont talk about him much because people dont know how to handle a conversation such as a child who has passed. Most of the time I will just go to the cemetary and talk to him and cry - that seems to help me the most.
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Carla,
We are so very sorry for your loss. Losing a child or a grandchild is such a huge loss and sometimes people don’t understand why you don’t “get over it” quickly. Please know that there is no time limit on grief and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. The grieving grandparent is often overlooked in our efforts to console the grieving parent. And you and other grandparents have the difficult job of consoling and comforting your child while you bear your own heavy load of grief.
Sometimes talking about it helps and we encourage you to get involved with a grief group so you can talk about it freely with those who understand. One group we recommend highly is The Compassionate Friends. (http://www.compassionatefriends.org ) If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation or visit a counselor for a few sessions. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ Specifically, you might like to listen to the show aired on May 17, 2007: Thoughts on Being a Bereaved Parent and Grandparent with Polly Moore.
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We will post your letter to The Grief Blog because there are many grieving grandparents who can be helped by knowing they are not alone.
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Again, our sincere condolences,
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Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
Hi Carla,
I am responding to your post to say I am so sorry for the loss of your grandson Braxton and to let you know you are not alone. I too have lost a grandson, Brennen to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) in 01/02/2004. I think for me it has been difficult to work through my grief and loss because SIDS is a mystery. We do not have a reason that we can attach to the loss of our grandsons, which makes it hard to find meaning. Then I think even if I had a reason for Brennen’s death it still would not change the fact that he is no longer living. Our family is forever changed and I have to get used to living life without him here among my other grandchildren.
Everyone processes their grief and loss differently, so it is hard to place a time frame as to how long you will feel the emotional pangs of grief so intensely. But I do know from my experience the intenity has lighten up if I compare it with the first year and now the third year.
Most importantly, be patient with yourself and find someone in a local support group, friend, or a sidsgrandparent online group where you can feel safe to talk about Braxton and the grief journey you are on. Our grief is unique in the fact we do not have a reason for SIDS, so some people are not going to understand the path we walk any better than we do. What has helped me to better understand the issues surrounding SIDS I visited the National Sudden Infant Death Resource Center and the First Candle SIDS Alliance. My thoughts are with you. May peace and kindness surround you.
Jewel
Dear Carla,
I just posted my daughter Olvia’s story. Olivia passed away April 22, 2004, she was 14. My daughter’s heart stopped beating while she was sleeping, similiar to SIDS, but known as LQTS, Longated QT Syndrome. I miss my daughter so much and there are days I still cannot believe she is not going to walk through the door and say “Hey Mom”. Carla, losing a child is the most painful experience one can experience. When Olivia died, I wanted to die and a part of me did. I never thought I would survive living without her. It took every ounce of strength just to get out of bed. I dreaded mornings because I knew I would have to wake up knowing my daughter was gone, here death was real, not just a nightmare. My nights were no different, unable to sleep, reliving the horrible nightmare, over and over again. I allowed myself to grieve. I allowed myself to be alone with my grief, tears, crying out loud, being angry…this was my daughter and no one was going to tell me how to grieve. I found myself talking to Olivia all the time..I just wanted to say her name. I know people, to this day, get tired of me talking about her but I don’t care. I talk about my daughter whenever I can..this is all I have. So go ahead and grieve for your grandchild and don’t let anyone put a time frame on it because there is no timeframe. I also want you to know that we do get better, we do smile again and it’s okay to laugh. Our lives are changed forever. Our life will never be the same. We learn to live with a “Broken Heart” but find ways to honor our child’s memory. I am slowly my finding my way back and you will too; but please allow yourself time to grieve and heal.
God Bless you and your family.
Corinne, Olivia’s Mom