I Lost My Unborn Daughter at 5 Months
October 15, 2007 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Grieving Miscarriages and Stillborns, Q&A
I know what these people are going through. I discovered I was pregnant in June 2007. It was a surprise, but I had fully accepted this beautiful little life that was to bless our home. The baby was due February 17, 2008. Everything was fine until I got to the fifth month, (20th week) Oct. 2007. I noticed a lack of movement, but I didn’t think anything of it, because the baby did that from time to time. I woke up one morning (Oct. 3), and realized I hadn’t felt any real movement in a while. I was worried, but I had an appointment for an ultrasound later that morning, and I figured everything would be fine. It wasn’t. My body tensed, and my heart dropped the instant I saw my beautiful baby on the ultrasound screen, and I couldn’t see the familiar flutter of the heart beat. I remember asking, “Where’s the heart?†The OB looked for a second, and tried to get the baby to move, but after about a minute, said, “I am so sorry.†I couldn’t say anything, but, “Oh, God.†I asked if she could tell what it was, and she said it looked like a girl. I wanted to know. She told me she would get a nurse and try again. I went to the bathroom, and went back to the room. While I waited, I looked at the clock on the ultrasound screen. It was almost 11am, Wed., Oct. 3, 2007. I expected to have a normal ultrasound, and to find out what the sex was, but instead I received horrible news. The OB and nurse entered the room about a minute later. The OB tried again. Still nothing. Life as I knew it had changed forever. I felt guilt, as most women do. I cried on the nurse’s shoulder, as I was alone at the appointment. We went to another room where I could call my family. I had to get out of that room. I called my husband, no answer. I called my Mom, who was preparing to leave for a trip to New York with my father. I went to see my regular OB, and we discussed options. She told me she was sorry. I went home and cried my eyes out, and my parents arrived home not much later, they had postponed their trip. I went into the hospital the next morning, (Oct. 4) and had induced labor, and twelve hours later (1:01am Oct. 5) our daughter Grace was born, perfectly formed, yet stillborn. The doctor asked if I wanted to hold her. I said I did. There was no way I wasn’t going to hold her. My husband was able to hold her. We took pictures, and the hospital took a few pictures of her for us. We were able to spend some time with her before we had to let her go. This is the hardest thing my husband and I have ever had to deal with, and we know what these people are going through. It’s comforting to know we’re not alone.
 Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond:
Dear Michelle, We are so very sorry for your loss. Sometimes we bond in such a powerful way with our unborn child that it is incredibly painful when something unknown and not understood interrupts the pregnancy and we lose our baby. There are no words that can console and so we simply offer our understanding and condolences. It is brave and very caring for you to reach out to others who also have experienced stillborn births. We recommend to you and to each one who has lost a child that you find a others who understand. One such group is Compassionate Friends. Each member has lost a child and has grieved in his or her own way and own time. They can be found at http://www.compassionatefirends.org. We understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. We invite you, too, to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ Blessings, Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
Hi,
I have just read your letter regarding your loss of your daughter. Below your letter is my letter regarding the loss of our son. I wanted to ask if you had an autopsy done for your daughter??? My husband and I just returned from the OB’s office after discussing the autopsy report. It seems our son’s death was due to meds I am currently taking. All of this could have been avoided if I had known earlier I was pregnant and gotten off of the meds earlier. We want to try again, but we need to discuss with the oncologist when I can get off of these meds. I am 45 years old, so if we are gonna do this, we need to do this soon or possible try IVF treatments.
I lost my son at 20 weeks gestation. This was July 18, 2000. He was my fourth child and to this day, no one can tell me why he died. I went on to have a healthy baby girl 15 months later, but my baby, Christian, is still in my heart. There isn’t a day that does by that I don’t think of him and his brother Caleb who died at age 10 in 2006. I know the pain you are going through. It will get easier, but I know right now it doesn’t feel like it.
I lost my son during my 5th month of pregnancy on Oct. 21st 2005 because of a weak cervix. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. The 2yr. anniversary of that day was on Sunday. It hurts me when I know I will never see him smile, laugh or hear him call me Mom. It was my first pregnancy and I’m scared to try again over fear that I will lose another. I’m hoping one day soon I will get over this fear. Seeing that Carmen went on to have a healthy baby 15 months later is encouraging.
Thank you for sharing your stories.
i konw how it feels i lost my son at 7 months on August 23 2007 i dont know what to say but am sorry for all the ones out there in the world it is so hard foe me this is my first baby i did not see him smile, laugh,and hear his born cry and to hear him call out for mom or dad at this time all i can do is think of the life we would had being mom and dad that is shuch a joy to my life and my husband i and husband thank you for all your time
I lost my daughter Lanai on March 9, 2008. She would have been my first. I miss her so much and it hurts. I know that I will get through it but dealing with this alone has been extremely difficult. I find comfort in reading everyone comments to each other and praying. I know that she is in a special place and watches over me every day. Although I was only 4 months along. I fell in love with her the first moment that I was pregnant. When my water broke I feel like time stood still because I can remember everything that happened that day. I prayed on the way to the hospital but I already knew… when I got to the hospital she was still there heartbeat and everything but no fluid. I was crushed. I really can’t express things anymore. But I know through God this too shall pass
hi my name is debbie i just gave birth on jan 5th 2008 her name is brianna my duedate was feb 22nd but she was stillborn.thay couldnt find her heart beat anymore so i had to deliever her vangial.than i had to do a c-scetion and 10 bags of blood i was on a breathing tube too.i have pics of her and she so beautiful.i miss her.she weigh 5lbs and 13oz.she was 20 iches long.she was a big baby i love her somuch.i cant have anymore kids because i had a aporation done on me.im sorry about all of yall lost
It has been kinda hard for me. Sometimes I find myself in tears wondering what it would be like if I were still pregnant. My sister is about to have her baby and cannot understand why I won’t come to her baby shower or be around her. I know that my daughter will always be with me. I just don’t understand why me that’s what I find myself living with now
Hi, My name is Maria and my husband and I just lost our little baby girl on April 11, 2008. Yesterday on Mothers day, it had been a month since the death of Isabella (that is what we named her). I was 25 1/2 weeks pregnant and one morning my water broke. I called my doctor and he told me to go to the hospital and make sure that I hadn’t ruptured anything. When I got to the hospital, they told me that my water had broken and I would have to be on complete bed rest. 1 week and 1 day later, they were taking an eco cardio scan for the baby to make sure that her heart was ok, and they told me that my baby was gone. I could not believe it, so I understand what you are going through. I have not received any of my tests back yet, and I am very scared to actually hear the results. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about 3 years, I have had 2 miscarriages, and 1 still born baby and I am starting to lose hope. The one thing that I am so grateful for is I know that she is not suffering, and that your little girl Grace has my little Isabella for a new friend, and they are our Guardian Angels. I have my good days and my bad days; yesterday was had knowing that my little girl would never be with us to celebrate mother’s day. I hope that you are doing better, and hopefully I will be better in a few months as well.
Maria
I’m sorry for you loss, it will be hard, I know for me, my daughter has been gone 2months on the 9th and with mother’s day on the 11th and my sister about to have her baby around my birthday(6/24) makes it really hard for me wishing I was still pregnant and knowing I would be almost 7 months. It hurts, but I now know god only gives us what we can handle and does everything for a reason. Maybe it wasn’t my time to become a mother. I know that the person that I was dealing with treated me like crap and wasn’t there for me at all even when I lost her. I still find myself in tears for no reason and get really angry. But I have my family and friends there for me. At first I didn’t want to be around anyone. Most of my friends have kidsand I couldn’t be around any kids, so I thought that I could get through it alone. I was wrong, surround yourself with love, that will help. I didn’t think that I would get to this point. Slowly I am. One day I will get pregnant again and hopefully things will go better than what I have just been through Hopefully you celebrated mothers day because although your child it not here in body, but here in spirit and you are a mother no matter. I know I am I had my daughter’s name tatooed on my shoulder so she can always be with me and to remind myself that I am a mother who lost her child.
Hi Dena, Thank you for you kind words. It helped to hear from someone who can relate to my situation. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through this with someone who treated you badly, however, I am glad you have your family there to help you. I do agree with what you said that God only gives us what we can handle and does everything for a reason. Sometimes it is had to admit that, but I do believe that it is true. I think that our little girls are playing together up in Heaven, I’m sure that they are. I alos understand what you mean when you said that you are in tears for no reason at all, I do the same thing. Are you going to any type of counseling? I just found someone who I hope can help my husband and me through this horrible time in our lives. Take care of your self and hope to hear from you soon.
Maria
It was good to hear from you. Hopefully things are getting better day by day for you, me I just keep busy. I haven’t gotten counseling I though about it but have decided to try to work thing out on my own. Although I don’t go to church I am a very spititual person. Now don’t get me wrong I questioned God and asked why me. I live in the MD/VA/DC area and I see women who don’t take care of their selves and are pregnant but end of having healthy children who they don’t take care of them. And then I think about my situation and although I did not have a husband and knew that I was going to raise her alone. I was ready for that. I was ready for someone to call me mom. I still cry, I think of it as my way of getting everything out of my system, it makes me feel better, and I know that she is always with me. I try to imagine what she would have been like, I even try to imagine what her cries would have sounded like. Her father, I’m not sure how he felt because he never said anything about her, he never really expressed how he felt. To be honest I don’t even think that he cared, he said he did but actions speak louder than words. But I have to move beyond that and deal with my feelings, because it hurts so so so bad. But she is the light that guides me. And I do believe that all of our children are playing together looking upon us and when they see us in pain they comfort us. I hope to hear from you soon. This helps me so much, I always look forward to a response. God Bless.
I have read you story, and though I have had a similar experience. I want to tell you this. Why me? I asked that myself for many months following the stillbirth of my son, Lucas, on December 31, 2006. Why me. After a time, I realized that though I wished it didn’t happen to me, it happens. So why not me…. I didn’t like it, nor did I accept it at first. 11 years later, I still miss my son, but I look at my daughter, who was born 16 months later, and realize, there is a bigger plan. I miss him, and what he would have become, but I realize, I would not have her…and I love her too. Why me became, why not me! I hope this helps….
Hi, I just wanted to thank the both of you for taking the time out to write me. It helps to know that I am not alone as I am going through this. I am just trying to keep busy, so that I am not thinking about her all day. I know now that in time we will be ok with all of this, although I will never forget, I do believe that my daughter is with me every day in spirit. Thanks again, and I hope you all had a good holiday weekend.
Maria
I have come to figure out why it is so hard for me to let go and move on, the anger is still there and I don’t really know how to express it. And I still feel alone, I just want some of the people around me to really understand. This site helps more then you all know and I always look forward to hearing all of your responses. I am doing better but also miss Lanai so much. I always make sure I talk to her and I feels that she hears me. Thank you all for listening it means more to me than you all know. God Bless
Hi Dena, I think that the anger that we feel is normal. I still feel it at times and I think it is healthy for us to feel that way. We have gone through something that will be with us for the rest of our lives and if you are angry, I think it is ok. I am sure that the people in your life understand why you are angry or sad, and if not, who cares! It is all about YOU right now and don’t forget that! I will always respond to your messages, and I am glad that they help you. This message board helps me also. Just knowing that I am not alone helps. I know that Lanai is there with you, think about her and know that she is watching over you. I know that my Isabella is watching over me & her dad every day, and that makes me feel safe. I hope you are doing ok; I think about you a lot and will say a prayer for you today. Take care of your self.
Maria
Hi , I lost my baby girl on 02June08. i was 30 weeks pregnant. Endometrios death and premature birth at the same day.I still dont know why, I keep thinking that I did something wrong.I only wish I had a chance to tell her how much we loved and wanted her.I hope my little angel is wathing over us and that is happy wherever she is in heaven. Do not loose your faith . God bless