MAY 1, 2008 - FOUNDING MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING: CANDACE LIGHTNER.

 In 1980 Candace Lightner’s 13-year-old daughter, Cari was killed by a drunken hit-and-run driver. The leniency of his sentence outraged Ms. Lightner who then organized Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). The object of her organization was to raise public awareness of the serious nature of drunken driving and to promote tough legislation against the crime. The President of the United States bestowed upon her the Presidents Volunteer Action Award and she was the subject of the movie “Mothers Against Drunk Driving: the Candy Lightner Story.”

Candace Lightner:  Unfortunately, that’s the way the laws worked at the time.  They were just not enforced.  Drunk driving wasn’t taken seriously.  It wasn’t treated as a crime.  And that was one of the things that I set about to change, which I did.

Candace Lightner:  So, when we got to the restaurant and I met my friends, I was telling them this story, and I was just so angry, and my sister looked at me, and she said, I know you well, and I know you’re going to do something.  And I said, you’re right.  I’m going to start an organization.  And my girlfriend, Sam, turned around and said and you’re going to call it “Mothers Against Drunk Drivers,” which is what it was in the beginning and then it changed to “Drunk Driving.”  And I said, that’s right.  So it was, I think, May 7th when I did.  That was the day after the funeral.  She was killed on the 3rd, buried on the 6th.  It was May 7th and that’s when I did.

Candace Lightner:  It’s interesting because in all truthfulness, what we learn from this experience is that I then told people who wanted to get involved with the organization, I would then encourage them to wait a period of time and do some mourning, so to speak, before they got involved because MADD was all consuming and it was also a great way of postponing your grief. 

Candace Lightner:  It was a good way of dealing with my anger.  It was probably not the best way of dealing with my grief as I learned.

Candace Lightner:  Times have changed for your listeners since my case, and that’s thanks to MADD, but at the time, we weren’t allowed in the courtroom.  They didn’t want the victim’s families, the survivors, in the courtroom, and I really had to fight like hell to get in and I wanted to be there and I wanted to make a statement, which are now called “victim impact statements.”  And at that time we were discouraged from doing it.  It wasn’t standard.  It is now.  And I probably was the first to do that, frankly, in the country possibly. 

Candace Lightner:  Cari’s identical twin, Serena.  Well, the first thing I want you to know, there is no normal in grieving so to speak.  So what one may do, someone else may not do.  I’ve dealt with parents who are angry for many years afterwards and siblings who were not.  In Cari’s case, Serena seemed to, I thought, handle it very well, and I became concerned about it, and they were both softball players and the first game after they played, they were all doing this, “let’s win it for Cari.  Let’s win it for Cari,” and unfortunately they didn’t; and I remember Serena came home and came in the door and she had her baseball bat with her, and she threw it in the living room screaming and cussing and saying, goddamn Cari, why did you die?  Why did you die?  I remember being relieved that I had seen the outburst of anger and then she told me many years later that some years ago she actually went back to Sacramento and went to the cemetery to the grave and sat there and talked to her for a long time and cried.  So she did her own grieving.  She went to a therapist about a year or so later for six months, and I called the therapist who told me that she was handling it fine.  Not to worry about it, basically. 

Candace Lightner:  I don’t believe in the concept of forgiveness.  Now having said that doesn’t mean that this person needs to remain angry for the rest of their life because I certainly didn’t.  But I do believe in moving on at some point in time with their life.  I don’t blame you, Ron, for feeling the way do.  And I’m sure there’s some “if only” going on in there:  If only I hadn’t let her go.  If only I had done this.  If only I hadn’t done that.  I’m sure there’s a lot of self blame and self guilt.  I think you have to deal more with your only syndrome.  What you’re going through for yourself because I think part of your rage is directed at yourself.  And you need to deal with that.  And if you believe in the concept of forgiveness, forgive yourself first.

Candace Lightner:  I’m more into acceptance.  It’s kind of an old Christian philosophy.  Although I was angry for a long time, obviously and with good reason, eventually I incorporated her death and her life as part of my life and it became one so to speak and it’s who I am and it’s what I’m about and it’s there and although I don’t get angry anymore at all, although there are times when I still grieve and I still actually grieve, and I’m still sad, in the book I talk about the grieving process.  There’s the beginning, the middle, and the rest of your life.

Candace Lightner:  Giving Sorrow Words: How to Cope with Grief and Get on with your Life.  I found after I left MADD that I was really grieving hard and I thought, my God, it’s been five-and-a-half years, and I went to a wonderful therapist who was incredibly helpful, and I did realize at the time that I had put the painful part of grieving on hold as much as possible mainly because it’s so painful.  Nobody wants to do it.  So that’s why I wrote the book was to talk about what grieving is all about and it really is the beginning, the middle, and the rest of your life, and it’s how you incorporate it.

Candace Lightner:  I think it sets up an unrealistic expectation if you feel that you’ve got to forgive.  There’s enough going on with grief as it is.  So just do what comes naturally unless it’s harmful to someone else or yourself.

Candace Lightner:  Ignorance is bliss, especially when you want to start an organization.  I think the reason it was so successful and I was able to do it is because I didn’t know any better.  It was the need to save another life and not let this happen again and save my other children and work through the anger because I truly did have a lot of anger.  And it worked.  It was a difficult thing to do.  I get calls all the time from people wanting to start organizations.  The first thing I say is first, look around and see if there isn’t something out there similar to what you want to do.  See if you can’t work with them.  And if you really decide you can’t and want to start something, be prepared to put your life on hold, your family on hold, and starve to death because that’s almost what I did.

Candace Lightner:  Ken Druck was going to be facilitating some of the Columbine parents after the tragedy and asked me if I would co-facilitate with him, and I agreed to do it.  Well, this was some years ago, and Ken is very good about still remaining in his grief and being able to relate to that with people who are fresh into their grief.  I’m not.  I’ve moved so far beyond it.  So we both did this for two days and it was really interesting because I was cracking jokes, and I said tell me funny stories about your kids and going on and doing whatever, and at the end of the session, he went around the room and asked people what they thought, and they looked at him and they said, you’re where we are now, and pointed to me and said, she’s where we want to be.  She gives us hope.  And that wasn’t my intent.  I was just being me.  So you can’t tell people fresh into grief time heals all wounds.  There is hope.  You’ll get beyond this.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  Because you’re too grief stricken to understand that.  You’re in too much pain.  It’s like 10,000 pounds are sitting on your chest.  The only thing I can do is to say look to others who have been there and see how they are.

Candace Lightner:  Sometimes working through the adjudication process helps when you see justice and hopefully there will be justice in this case.  And sometimes having your day in court helps.  At least I found that to be true of most of the victims that I worked with unless in fact they don’t get justice and then it’s just the opposite.  If you’re really concerned about your husband, I would recommend that you both get into therapy.  I’ve had mothers call me before who thought their husbands were going to kill the driver and, as you know, if you see the movie, I tried to.  I actually went to look for my gun to kill the man who killed my daughter when I thought he was going to get off, so I can understand that kind of rage.  I would closely monitor him.  I would make sure there are no weapons in the home.  I’m being very practical here because I’ve seen this happen.  And then I would talk to him maybe about having some therapeutic help but I do think sometimes court can be helpful but just make sure that he’s aware of how he has to behave and that he will injure the case if he becomes violent or angry in the court process.  And he doesn’t want to do that.

Candace Lightner:  Mourn.  Grieve.  Do what you need to do.  Don’t worry about whether it’s normal or not as long as you’re not hurting yourself or someone else and you can still function barely.  Don’t try to put it off.  I know it’s painful.  Don’t worry about crying in front of other people and if you need help, ask for it.  Let people know you need help and let them know what you need.