May 31, 2007: A Mother’s Journey Through Grief - Beth Page

MAY 31, 2007 - A MOTHER’S JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF:  BETH PAGE.  Beth Page is the owner of Dakota Winds, a family owned business that originated from grief and grew because of hope. From their own experience with loss, Beth and her husband have designed some special gifts which celebrate the lasting memories of a lost loved one.  Their inspiration was their four year old son, Dakota, who died after a two year battle with cancer.  Through Dakota Winds, Beth shares her story and plant seeds of hope for brighter tomorrows into the hearts of others who are grieving.  http://www.dakotawinds.org/ <http://www.dakotawinds.org/> 

Beth Page:  It’s normal to second-guess yourself.

Beth Page:  I think that it’s a matter of time and it’s a matter of just going through the grief and the acceptance that no matter what I did, I think this was going to happen.  And we all do it differently.  My husband, his guilt was various things.  It took him about eight years to overcome his feeling of guilt of what did I not do or what could I have done differently that Dakota would have lived?

Beth Page:  One of the most supportive things for me and for my husband was talking to other parents who had been through the experience.  Now I will admit when he was first diagnosed, I didn’t want to talk to anyone whose child had died.  I only wanted to hear the success stories, but it is those parents that I met through his treatments for two-and-a-half years that made me get through what I’ve been through because I knew that they had walked that same walk.  They understood without my asking a question whether it was the tears or the crying or the anger, the depression.  They knew exactly what I was going through and they are the ones who helped me get through. 

Beth Page:  She never knew Dakota but when someone asks her how many brothers she has or does she have any brothers or sisters, she always says two.  She always mentions Dakota who lives in heaven and Dylan who teases her incessantly.  But yes, she knows Dakota as well as any of us as far as because we have pictures of him.  We talk about him, and, of course, we have Dakota Winds in his memory.

Beth Page:  The wind chimes came from when Dakota died, Alan wanted Dylan to remember Dakota because he was only two at the time and so he just went out and he found a wind chime and he told Dylan, if you want to talk with Dakota, just ring the chimes and when they ring, that’s Dakota talking to you.  And they sat by our door and every time Alan goes in and out of the house, he rings the chimes, and when Dakota died, the winds just blew tremendously and so we had the chimes were ringing constantly, and at his memorial service, a big twister came up and some people actually thought we were having a tornado or something and left, and we just know it was that great soul.  It was Dakota.  So it all fit in together and for years we just gave wind chimes to folks and we finally decided a couple of years ago to design our own which has the sunflower because we planted sunflower seeds at Dakota’s, what we call his celebration, because we wanted to celebrate his life instead of just mourn his death.  And with each wind chime and with each bear, you get a packet of sunflower seeds to show that life does continue on and to hopefully give hope to everyone as they go through this.

Alan Page:  Well, one thing I want to say about the wind chimes is what I really like about it is it’s a kind of spontaneous thing that what you miss when you lose someone close to you is that spontaneous when they’re walking through or running through the house or you hear them all of a sudden.  And that’s what the wind does.  You’re not thinking about them and then you hear the chime bring them to you.  It’s a spontaneous feeling.  It’s a great feeling.

Alan Page:  Talking about dealing with grief and dealing with guilt and all those fun things.  The one thing that helped me when I was feeling really guilty and feeling bad was just to talk to Dakota and see what he’d say to me.  If Dakota was here he’d say, Dad, it’s not your fault, because you blame yourself for a lot of things. 

Alan Page:  Well, dads grieve a lot different than mothers or women and men are totally different.  We get more angry.  Definitely get angry.  I held onto that anger for a long time even though you know you didn’t see it in me that much but it was in there and it took a long time for it to finally get it out and for me to let it go.

Alan Page:  And luckily we were able to keep him at home and be able to hold him and everything.  And that made it very special too.  But anybody that loses anybody always.  I don’t know how anybody cannot feel some type of guilt but I think the best thing is to put yourself in your child’s place or whoever have passed away and let them talk to you because they wouldn’t want you to feel that way. 

Alan Page:  When it first happened, I used to write to him and I used to write my thoughts down and that always helps.  It always helps to get it out some way.  And you know you can’t find very many people that you can talk to.  Especially men.  Nobody wants to hear about your lost child, but you can bring up their memory.  One of the best things you can say to a grieving parent or anybody.  You hear everything.  People say he’s with God now and all these other things.  All that does is make you angrier.  He’s in a better place.  That makes you angry.  The best thing to do is to ask them about that child.  If you didn’t know him, say what was he like?  What was his personality like?  Just let that person talk and listen.  And that’s what you need to do.  You need to let people talk because they don’t want to forget their child.  I shaved my head when Dakota went through bone marrow, and I still shave it today.  And every now and then, people will say why shave your head?  And I get to bring up Dakota.  It’s a way of keeping his memory alive right there.

Beth Page:  Several times he said that he would never be five and that he would never go to school or ride a school bus, and he died exactly one week before he would have turned five.  And that also kind of gives me a sense of peace in thinking he knew in some way and that this was again, it was meant to be his life.  A short life, but it was meant to be his life and then we have to go on and make something out of that short life so that we can have some meaning and purpose behind it.