May 8, 2008 The Healing Power of Music: Cindy Bullens

HEALING THE GRIEVING HEART
The Healing Power of Music
Hosts:  Dr. Gloria Horsley and Dr. Heidi Horsley
With guest:  Cindy Bullens
May 8, 2008
G: Hello, I’m Dr. Gloria Horsley with my co-host
H: Dr. Heidi Horsley.
G: Each week Heidi and I welcome you to Healing the Grieving Heart, a show of hope and conversation with those who’ve suffered the loss of a loved one and for healthcare professionals who work in this most difficult field.  As always the message has been others have been there before you and made it.  You can too.  You need not walk alone.  If you’re listening to our live Internet show on Thursday, you can call in to Heidi, me and talk to our guest at our show at 1 866-472-5792, with questions or comments regarding the losses in your life.  These shows are archived on our blog, www.thegriefblog.com, as well as www.compassionatefriends.org websites, and they are brought to you by the Open to Hope Foundation.  All shows can be downloaded on iTunes and transcripts can be accessed on the grief blog.  Good morning, Heidi.
H: Good morning, mom.
G: Well, we’ve got Mother’s Day coming up on Sunday and before we get to our guest, Cindy Bullens, who we are so honored to have on.  She’s a wonderful singer.  But first we’re going to go to one email from Debbie, and Debbie says that her husband died right before Christmas Day and she says she hurts so bad, and I’m hurting so badly, and she says that my daughter’s hurting and Mother’s and Father’s day are not going to be good this year.  Very tough email, Debbie.  You know Mother’s and Father’s Day, particularly Mother’s Day coming up on Sunday, is a difficult time for a lot of people.  And after Scott died, it wasn’t one of my favorite days because there’s so much expectations of mothers and if we had taken better care of our children, this wouldn’t have happened, and you had a spouse die and it’s a difficult time for you and how is your daughter going to celebrate Mother’s Day this year?  Very very difficult.
H: And as a child, I’ve got to say – and I mean I’m not a child, but I’m your child – we want to honor mothers and we want to have – although it will be sad.  It’ll be kind of bittersweet because we – even though after Scott died, it was a hard time but I still wanted to take time in the day and do some positive things and honor you and you are a wonderful mother and I’ve got to say, I don’t agree with the statement of “if I had been a better mother, Scott wouldn’t have died, kids wouldn’t have died.”  I think that we’re great mothers and things happen in life and we can’t keep our kids under glass or locked in their rooms.  We have to let them go out in the world and it’s not because we’re not wonderful mothers.  And you were a wonderful mother.  You still are.
G: Oh, thank you, Heidi.  That’s a very nice Mother’s Day gift right there.  Well, I would say to you mothers out there, my best advice to you is mother yourself this year.  Take care of yourself.  As Heidi said, your children want to celebrate or we have those folks out there who are parents without children this Mother’s Day.  Take care of yourself.  If you’ve lost a spouse or whatever, compartmentalize.  Have only a short time where you spend it on Mother’s Day.  You can even go to a movie.  Go for a walk.  Have a bubble bath.  Take care of yourself.  Give yourself a gift this Mother’s Day.
H: I agree, and I also want to add one more thing.  I would celebrate and think for a moment about the fact that when your children were here on earth, you were a wonderful parent to them.  You are a wonderful mother and take comfort in knowing that.
G: That’s a great thought, Heidi.  Well, we are on to our poetry contest.  It was really a wonderful contest.  Heidi’s going to tell you about our second poetry winner, the name of the poem, and she’s going to read it, and then we’ll be on to our guest, Cindy Bullens.
H: Okay, great.  Thanks, mom.  The name of the person that wrote the poem is Blanche White-Toole and she says in the email:  Thank you so much.  It is very comforting hearing this today that I have gotten second place.  My daughter died very tragically eight years ago and we were back in court this week.  So this is consoling and exciting news after a week of memories and emotions being triggered once again.  And her poem is really beautiful, and it’s called “If I Could Touch the Rainbow.”
If I Could Touch the Rainbow
by Blanche White-Toole

If I could touch the rainbow
I’d pull it into view
And look beyond its colors
To get a glimpse of you
If I could touch the blue sky
I’d separate the clouds
And sit atop the big one
And shout your name out loud
If I could see you smiling
I’d know everything was fine
And I would be the first to tell
All those you left behind
But I can’t touch the rainbow
And I can’t touch the sky
But I can see you smiling
So for now, I’ll say goodbye
G: Oh, thank you so much, Blanche.  Wonderful.
H: Very very touching.
G: Well, Heidi, would you like to introduce our guest today?  I think it’s interesting that we’re reading our poetry because Cindy Bullens’ music, the words are certainly poetry.
H: Absolutely, and I’d be honored to introduce her.  Our topic today is “The Healing Power of Music” and as my mom said, our guest is Cindy Bullens.  Cindy Bullens is a critically-acclaimed two-time Grammy nominee.  Her inspiring widely-acclaimed 1999 CD, “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth,” was written and recorded after the tragic death of her eleven-year-old daughter, Jessie.  Since its release, Cindy has touched thousands of people around the world with her inspired songs of love and loss, despair and hope.  Welcome to the show, Cindy.
C: Thank you very much.  It’s great to be here.
G: It’s great to have you on, Cindy, and we’ve just been reading about all your wonderful musical accomplishments.  Were you a musician before Jessie died?
C: Oh, gosh, yes.  I have been in the music business as a professional for about 35 years.  I started out, my first big break was singing backup with Elton John and went on to sing on the Grease movie soundtrack and have my own career.  Those two Grammy nominations are from the late 70s and early 80s.  Then I got married and had kids and kind of bowed out of the business for awhile so Jessie definitely brought me back as a recording artist and singer songwriter.
H: So after her death, it brought you back?
C: Yes, after her death.
H: Very interesting.
C: ”Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth” was written in the first two years after her death.  That album truly was written for me.  I didn’t wake up one day and say well, my daughter’s dead.  I’m going to write some songs about it.  I was really compelled to write those songs at different points during the first two years after her death.  The first year after her death, the first song I wrote was “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth” which is the title track, and that song emerged from me about four months after her death.  I had not picked up my guitar since she died up until that point.  I, of course, had no desire to live, let alone write a song or record a song.  I had no inspiration whatsoever.  Of course, I was devastated.
G: Now tell us about Jessie and what happened.
C: Jessie was diagnosed in December of 1995 at ten years old with fourth stage Hodgkin’s disease.  She died only three months later in March of 1996 from an infection just very suddenly.
G: Oh, my goodness.  So that was a huge surprise because they are treating Hodgkin’s successfully.
C: Right.  Although she was doing well in the first round of treatment and then it came back very strongly and she had a more severe treatment with chemo getting ready for a bone marrow transplant, which she never had, so it was a baffling turn of events for everyone including her doctors, but, so, yes, it was like she got diagnosed with cancer but then she got hit by a truck.  It was just out of the blue that she died.  But she was a redheaded spitfire.  Really truly a buoyant, just very active, very happy, child.  Never was bored for a minute in her life, and we knew right out of the box that she had something going that was beyond us because.
H: She was living her life to the fullest.
C: Absolutely.  Absolutely.  And way before she ever got diagnosed or we knew what was going to happen, we used to just marvel at her ability to live every moment to the fullest, and she had some connection to something that certainly her father and I weren’t quite there yet, and she ran circles around her sister who was also a very strong person—her older sister, Reid, who is the love of my life.
G: Now, Reid was how old at the time?
C: Jessie died nine days before Reid’s 14th birthday.
G: And Jessie was 11.
C: Jessie had just turned 11 three weeks before that.  Jessie also died two days after my birthday and the last time I spoke to her was on my birthday.  So the birthday thing, and I’ve talked to a lot of bereaved parents, there’s a lot of very strange coincidences with the birthday thing.
G: Well, talk to us about “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth” because we’re going to be playing that after we come back from break.  I love your “there’s no rhythm in the rain” is an amazing line.  There’s no rhythm in the rain.  There’s no magic in the moon.
C: That song as I just said a little earlier, emerged from my being.  I am a professional songwriter.  I’ve written songs for other people.  I’ve been doing it my whole life, but this song and the songs from this album, “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth,” came from a completely different place than anything before that I’ve done and anything after that I’ve done.
H: So you had the need to express yourself.  You had to do it.
C: Exactly.  I had to do it.  And I didn’t want to do it, I might add.  It was with resistance.  When I wrote the song “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth,” I had this spark of – I didn’t call it hope at the time, although there’s hope in every single song of those ten songs.  There is hope in those songs.  But I didn’t have hope at four months after Jesssie’s death, but there was a spark of something that stirred inside me when I wrote that song.  Now mind you, I am a professional singer and songwriter, and I was horrified that I had just written a song about the death of my own daughter, and then I thought
G: Did you feel any shame with that?
C: Yeah, it was a little bit of that, and then I thought right away, wait a minute, if I was a painter, I’d be painting about my grief.  If I was a poet, I’d be writing about my grief.  So I reconciled it almost immediately, but it was a very strange feeling to have done that.  But the song was the most perfect song I had written at that time and it did emerge from the depths of my being and totally and truly inspired by my grief and my love and my soul which every single song on there is.
G: Well, on that note, we’re going to go to break and when we get back from break, you’re going to have the opportunity to hear Cindy sing “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth.”  I’m your host, Dr. Gloria Horsley, with my co-host, Dr. Heidi Horsley.  You can reach us through our blog, www.thegriefblog.com, and through our Foundation, the Open to Hope Foundation.  These shows can be downloaded on Itunes and they are also archived on both of our sites.  Stay tuned for more.
We promised when we went to break that we are going to hear “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth.”  What are your favorite parts of this?
C: You’d better read what you can because it’s about Jessie.  Every single part of it is my favorite.
G: There’s one place where it’s really kind of amazing – there’s no rhythm in the rain.  There’s no magic in the moon.  There’s no power in this pain till somewhere between Heaven and Earth I can find you again.  Really wonderful.  All right.  If we can get our studio to play that, that would be great.
Somewhere Between Heaven & Earth
by Cindy Bullens

I curse the night
I watched you slip away
Wouldn’t have done no good
To beg you to stay

You were here beside me
But now you’re gone
I’m just trying hard
To carry on

But there’s no rhythm in the rain
There’s no magic in the moon
There’s no power in this pain
Til somewhere between Heaven and Earth
I can find you again

Hearts are broken
And dreams are lost
But I made a promise to love
At any cost

Little did I know
The price was so high
Losing forever
In the blink of an eye

There’s no rhythm in the rain
There’s no wishes in the stars
there’s no power in this pain
Til somewhere between Heaven and Earth
I can hold you again

If I could one more time
Feel your hand in mine
Hear your voice call my name
And whisper sweet good night

Then there’d be rhythm in the rain
There’d be magic in the moon
No such thing as love in vain
And somewhere between Heaven and Earth
You’d be with me again

And I could see you again
And I could hold you again, my baby
Somewhere between Heaven and Earth….
I will see you again
G: Wow.  How do we follow up with that.
H: Yeah, that is really powerful.  Very emotional.
C: Yes.  Thank you.  Thank you.  For me as well.
G: I was going to say.  Is it easier to listen to your music or sing it?
C: You know, it’s very interesting with these songs because of how and why they came.  It’s not like they’re my songs.  It’s like they live on their own.  They are their own entity and they came through me at some point so when I hear them and even when I sing them, I listen to the words in a different way than I would another song that wasn’t about Jessie.  They affect me still very deeply.  It’s been twelve years since Jessie’s death now and when I think back to the fact that I wrote those songs in the first two years after her death, I can’t believe it.  I just can’t believe it.
G: Now how did they come to you?  Did you dream about them or think about them or what happened?
C: No, the word that I use was I was struck with them.  That song was written four months after Jessie’s death and I thought, okay.  I’ve written a song about her and it was very powerful for me and that was it.  I didn’t have a thought about doing anything else and three months later, I wrote another song called “In Better Hands,” and I thought, “Oh, I’ve written two songs.  Okay.”  And three months after that, I wrote a song called “A Thousand Shades of Gray,” and I thought, Oh, I’ve written three songs now that I’ve been struck with about my grief, about my love and that horrible loss but my struggle with all the stuff that we go through as bereaved parents and with that loss.
H: Well, Cindy, you know what I find interesting.  I know that you are somehow writing about your own experience but in a sense you are almost a vehicle for all the mothers in the world.
C: This is the gift that Jessie has given me because since the release of that album, which will be nine years in September.  No, it’s nine years now because before it came out internationally, I had it as a benefit album but in April of 1999.  It’ll be ten years next year.  Anyway, yeah.  It was just an incredible experience to do this record.
G: And how can people get a hold of your CD?  How can they find out more about you?
C: They can go on to my website, which is www.cindybullens.com, and you can click on the CD Baby.  Just go on to my album.  It’s very clear on my site.  Click on to albums and you can buy it right from CD Baby or if you want it signed, you can buy it directly from me, but then you have to email me, which is all on my site as well.
G: I have a signed one from Rosemary.
C: Yeah, Rosemary Smith, my dear dear friend.
G: And by the way, I want to talk about that after break.  After break, we’re going to hear another one of Cindy’s songs and I wanted to have her talk abut it before we go to break.  It’s “As Long as You Love (Scarlet Wings(.”  And you have a beautiful picture.  By the way, when you get the CD album, you get all the wonderful lyrics and a wonderful picture.  Are those your two daughters?
C: Yes.  Reid and Jessie.  Reid is my older daughter who was almost 14 when Jessie died.  This was the hardest song for me to write, and it took the longest time because it’s so powerful.  I was trying to record it myself, and it just didn’t work.  I couldn’t sing the chorus without crying, and so I thought oh, well, maybe Reid will sing it, my daughter.  So Reid was 16 at the time and we went into the studio and she sang the choruses to this song which is Jessie’s voice speaking back to me in the song and it’s just incredibly powerful.
G: How did you even record it?  Didn’t it just shake you?
C: It did.  Every song shook me.  That’s a whole ‘nother hour or two of talking about how I got through doing that and how I sing them live, but it was very difficult to keep the true emotion of these songs and yet have them be professional in their sound because obviously, as any bereaved parent knows and anyone who’s suffered a great loss, your emotions are there.  They’re just there, especially in the first few years.  They’re so raw.  And so it was very difficult for me to sing these songs.
G: Okay, so when we come back from break, we’re going to hear Cindy Bullens, and she’s going to sing “As As Long as You Love (Scarlet Wings(.”  We’re going to play a recording.  I’m your host, Dr. Gloria Horsley, with my co-host, Dr. Heidi Horsley.  If you want to get in touch with us, you can do it through www.thegriefblog.com.  All these shows are archived on that site so you’ll be able to download them and listen to them and tell your friends about them.  Stay tuned for more.
It’s great to be back on the show.  Before we play Cindy’s song, “As Long as You Love Scarlet Wings,” I wanted to have her talk about how it got produced and who helped her with it.  Who’s singing on these?
C: It was an incredible experience because as I said, I did this record.  I had no record company at the time and I was recording this record for me, not for the public.  I had no idea that anyone else was going to hear this but it kind of gave me something to do.  And because I’ve been in the business for so long and I have many friends in this business who are much more well-known than I am, they came out and helped me.  For example, on “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth,” the song that your audience just heard, Bryan Adams, the great Bryan Adams, sang the harmony on that song.  And on another song, Bonnie Raitt sang the harmony.  And on another one, Beth Nielsen Chapman, who lost her husband, who’s a good friend of mine and is a wonderful singer-songwriter.  Lucinda Williams is on this.  Rodney Crowell is on this.  It’s just unbelievable.  And the musicians who played which you may not know their names, and I won’t name them all, did this.  Engineers, everybody, studios did this because they knew what I needed to do for myself.  It was just an incredible thing.
G: And we were talking during break about how hard it is to get the word out about grieving and recovery and the process and the trip.  People don’t want to hear it out in the world.  It’s too painful.
C: It’s true, and I was saying to you at the break, I’m a loud person.  I’m there.  When I walk in the room, I’m pretty present and Jessie was the same way, by the way.  You always knew.  She had the red hair, though, which made her even more visible.  But when Jessie died, on the day that Jessie died, I turned to my husband, Dan, her father, and I said, I am not going to be silent about her death.  And I didn’t know what that meant at the time.  I had no idea.  I certainly didn’t say, hey, I’m going to write an album and get it out there.  I didn’t know.  I only knew that there was no way that I was not going to talk about my child who existed on this earth and who deserved to be known for who she was.
G: That’s great.  Well talk about your workshop before we go to the song so people know what’s available if they want to do something in their community.
C: And thank you very much for mentioning that.  I do and have done for the past ten years really a variety of venues.  My workshop is “Grieving Out Loud, Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth,” and I have done it for whether it’s just a local Compassionate Friends group or I’ve done it for medical schools.  I’ve been to Penn State University, Florida State University, Dartmouth Medical School.  I’ve done everything from colleges to the Pediatric Oncology Nurse’s Association to the Palliative Care Physician’s National Association.  So everything in between, whether you’re a private group who wants to have me come and talk and mostly my talk really centers around the music.  And it depends on the venue, of course.  If I’m doing a medical school, I do talk about Jessie’s disease and what our family experience was along with the music, but it’s based on the CD, “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth,” and Jessie’s story, and our family story around Jessie’s life and death, and for me, even though I said before on one of our breaks that I do civilian gigs, obviously I am a singer-songwriter.  I am a recording artist, so I go around the world singing and playing professionally.
H: And telling your story through your songs.
G: How has your music changed?  Even on your public gigs.  Has Jessie’s death changed the way you approach those?
C: Absolutely.  Jessie’s death has changed every cell of my being.  Inside, outside, everything.  So everything I do today has been affected by Jessie’s death.  Whether it’s acutely meaning how I think about something or whether it’s just spiritually or more generally.  Because the songs from “Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth” were written so purely – it’s just pure love that went into those songs.  Pure love.  Now when I write.  Actually, now it’s a little bit easier to write a regular rock-and-roll song or a regular song just about a love story or something else, but it took awhile to transition into that because those songs were so powerful.  But, yes, it has changed the way I look at everything.
G: I think we’ve got to play this one before our next break, and when we get back from our next break, we’re going to talk even more about how it’s changed you because the last song we’re going to play is very connected with that.  So now we’re going to hear “As Long as You Love (Scarlet Wings),” and I just wanted to read a couple of paragraphs from that.  As long as you love, you will see me in the stars.  As you look up at the stars, I will be there.  As long as you love, I will whisper in your ear.  Little whispers you will hear.  As long as you love.  As long as you love.  You are standing here beside me now.  As I watch the children play.  To those of us you left behind, you are never far away.
C: And my daughter Reid sings those choruses which I did not say.
G: Oh, amazing, and I read the two that she sings.
C: Right.  When she was sixteen, she did that duet with me so that’s very important to know.
G: All right.  If we can hear that.
As Long as You Love (Scarlet Wings)
by Cindy Bullens

Time has a different meaning now
Since you found your scarlet wings
Forever seems like yesterday
But only angels know these things

I can hear your voice sometimes at night
And it echoes through the day
When my soul cries out from missing you
I remember what you say

As long as you love
You will see me in the stars
As you look up at the stars
I will be there

As long as you love
I will whisper in your ear
Little whispers you will hear
As long as you love
As long as you love

You are standing here beside me now
As I watch the children play
To those of us you left behind
You are never far away

Even heaven cannot hold your heart
For no boundaries love allows
So little angel spread those scarlet wings
As you whisper to me now

As long as you love
You will feel me in the sun
In the warming of the sun
I will be there

As long as you love
You will understand the rain
You must bless the falling rain
As long as you love

As long as you love
You will see me in the stars
As you look up at the stars
I will be there
As long as you love
G: Wow, again, how do you top that one?  That’s really wonderful, Cindy.
H: And it’s such a wonderful tribute to her sister that Reid sung that.  I was wondering, do you still perform that together?
C: Well, we don’t.  We do.  We have.  Let’s put it that way.  When she agrees to do it.  It’s very difficult for her to do that song, but we have on occasion done it for special tributes and so on and so forth, and when I’m performing, she lives in Maine, and I live in Maine, and when I’m performing somewhere where she is – she’s now married with a one-year-old, then I ask her to come and sing with me, and it’s up to her.  Sometimes she says, yes; and sometimes she says, no.  But, yes, it’s a very powerful experience when we do sing together.  Very powerful.
G: That’s great that you’re able to share that together.  Well, tell me, we’re going to go to break in a minute but I am so intrigued with the next song we’re going to hear from you, which is “Better Than I’ve Ever Been.”  Heidi and I are always amazed with what our audience – the people that we have on the show go on to do later on, but we always remind our audience out there that early on, we didn’t really.  It’s amazing you wrote those songs early on, but it’s a difficult process.
C: It is a difficult process and that song, “Better Than I’ve Ever Been,” which is a song that many people – I’ve gotten a lot of response about – first of all, it was one of the last songs written in the two years that it took me to write all ten songs so it was toward the two-year mark, but it was my wish for myself.  I certainly at that point wasn’t thinking oh, my life is going to be – and let me just say this.  It’s not about being happier than I’ve ever been.  It’s about being a better person than I’ve ever been.  More compassionate.  More giving.  More aware.  More awake in my life, and that’s what that song is about, and I will say that it’s been my marker in the last twelve years or ten years since I’ve written it and I do believe that one day at a time, I am becoming a better person than I’ve ever been.
H: So when you first wrote it, it was your wish.
C: Exactly.
H: But then you got to a point later on – you were saying during break, at what, the ten-year mark or something where you felt like your life was more in line with your song?
C: A shift?  Yes.  It’s been twelve years.  This last March it was twelve years since Jessie’s death, and really only in the past year, year-and-a-half, I have felt a very profound shift.
G: Let’s talk about that when we come back from break and then when we go out of the show, so stay on for the whole thing if you want to hear “Better Than Ever.”  We’re going to thank Cindy for being on the show and then close out with “Better Than Ever.”  This is our final break, and I’m your host, Dr. Gloria Horsley, with my co-host, Dr. Heidi Horsley.  These shows are archived on www.thegriefblog.com as well as the Open to Hope Foundation website.  Please stay tuned for more.
Well, we’re going to be closing up the show with a segment, “Better Than I’ve Ever Been,” and I just wanted to read a little part of it.  It says, I laugh louder, cry harder, take less time to make up my mind.  I think smarter, go slower.  I know what I want and what I don’t.  I’ll be better than I’ve ever been.  Maybe I’ll be better than I’ve ever been.  I love that.  I like the idea, I laugh louder.  I cry harder.  I take less time to make up my mind.  I think what one of the things you lose, my thought is you lose fear.
C: Yes, exactly.  What is there to be afraid of when the worst thing that could ever happen has happened?
G: Right, and you make it, and that’s it.  Well, because we’re going to hear that song, I want to thank you now, Cindy, so much for being on the show.
C: Thank you very much.  I really appreciate it.  And I want to say to the newly-bereaved that this song was my wish for myself at two years after Jessie’s death.  So it doesn’t happen that quickly often so.  But thank you so much for having me on the show.
H: Thank you for giving people hope through your music.
C: Thank you so much.  I am honored.
G: Really amazing.  I wanted to say next week, Dr. William Worden is going to be on the show.  He’s a real leader in the field of grief and loss and I hope you’ll tell all your friends and tune in and remember, visit www.thegriefblog.com, and remember, this is a great show to download on Itunes.  We’ll be on next week and we’re going to close with “Better Than I’ve Ever Been.”
Better Than I’ve Ever Been
by Cindy Bullens

There’s been a lot of things said about me
Since that awful day
I’m not the person that I used to be
and that I’ll never be the same
That’s true-no doubt
But I know more now what life is about
And I
I laugh louder
Cry harder
I take less time to make up my mind and I
Think smarter
Go slower
I know what I want
And what I don’t
And I’ll be better than I’ve ever been
Maybe I’ll be better than I’ve ever been

If someone told me 20 years ago
That this would be my life
I’d lose the greatest gift that love can show
I’d have said no I won’t survive

Don’t count me out
Sometimes I’m stronger than I’ve ever felt
And I
I laugh louder
Cry harder
I take less time to make up my mind and I
Think smarter
Go slower
I know what I want
And I what I don’t
And I’ll be better than I’ve ever been
Maybe I’ll be better than I’ve ever been

There’s a curious freedom
Rising up from the dark
Some kind of strength I’ve never had

Though I’d trade it in a second
Just to have you back
I’ve gotta try to make some good out of the bad.

So I laugh louder
Cry harder
I take less time to make up my mind and I
Think smarter
Dig deeper
I know what I want
And I what I don’t
And I’ll be better than I’ve ever been
Maybe I’ll be better than I’ve ever been