Mourning - I Don’t Cry Because I’m Weak, I Cry Because I’m Strong

Crying is usually the first response to a death in the family.  I cried when the surgeon said our daughter was brain dead.  The events that followed — disconnecting life support, signing organ donor documents, making burial arrangements — made me sob.  But that was just the beginning of my sorrow.

Two days later my father-in-law died.  Several weeks after that my brother died and then my former son-in-law died.  Four loved ones had died within nine months and I cried a lot.  I worried about grocery shopping because I thought I would sob in the store.  And I did.  At first I was embarrassed by these outbursts, but embarrassment turned to acceptance after I learned about mourning.

Alan Wolfelt, PhD, writes about crying in his article, “Helping Dispel 5 Common Myths About Grief,” published on griefwords.com.  “Unfortunately, many people associate tears of grief with personal inadequacy and weakness,” he writes.  Even worse, crying can make us feel helpless.  The bottom line, according to Wolfelt, is that crying helps us feel better.

During the past year I’ve learned about the benefits of crying first-hand.  After a good cry, often wrenching sobs, I always had a sense of relief.  Some crying bouts were so exhausting I had to take a nap afterwards and that was okay.  I wasn’t sleeping well, anyway.

Crying acts as a personal pressure valve.  Russell Friedman and John W. James discuss crying in their grief-recovery.com article, “On Crying — Part 1.”  The authors think “crying acts as a short term energy relieving action, and relieves, temporarily, some of the emotional energy generated by loss.”  I agree with this view.  However, I think releasing the energy of grief is futile unless you learn from it.

Crying has helped me to move forward with life.  According to Jeffrey A. Kottler, author of ‘The Language of Tears,” crying can lead to constructive change.  “Crying experiences are critical incidents in our lives; they can take us deeper into despair, or with concerted effort lead us to new levels of personal transformation,” he writes.  I have allowed crying to lead me in new directions.  Though I don’t cry as often, I can still burst into tears without warning, and this doesn’t bother me.

I am focused on creating a new life for myself and my twin grandchildren.

Two weeks ago a truck pulled up in front of my deceased daughter’s house.  It came to collect everything in the house and transport these items to flood victims in Southeastern Minnesota.  Though the experience was a painful one, it was also a transforming one.  I described the loading process to my granddaughter and admitted, with tears streaming down my face, that I cried when the truck pulled away.

As she listened to the story my granddaughter almost cried herself.  She looked at me with a mixture of sadness and concern.  Did she think my tears were a sign of weakness?  I don’t know, but I know I am a strong person.  My tears come from love and that is a source of strength.

Copyright 2008 by Harriet Hodgson http://www.harriethodgson.com

Harriet Hodgson has been a freelance nonfiction writer for 29 years.  She is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists and the Association for Death Education and Counseling.  Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from http://www.amazon.com

You will find a review of the book on the American Hospice Foundation Web site (”School Corner” heading), and the Health Ministries Association Web site.  Please visit Harriet’s Web site and learn more about this busy author and grandmother.

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